hurtful things people say to grievers

As grievers, our hearts are soft and ever-changing through the motions day-to-day. For comparison purposes, think back to childhood and the hours of fun you had with play-doh; molding, creating and shaping it to make something new to express what you’re thinking/feeling.

Our grieving hearts can also be like clay, soft at the start, only to harden over time. And, this is what happens to, I believe, most of us grievers as time goes on. It’s also why time heals all wounds is a myth that needs to die in conversation. Time does nothing but pass. It’s the action we take in time that creates lasting change.

People say, what they think, are thoughtful, insightful things to grievers. Grievers themselves who’ve never likely processed their grief are sharing from a place of pain themselves. So, why do the things grievers say to other grievers come off as hurtful and unhelpful?

Below are some examples of typical phrases grievers say to other grievers and why these phrases are unhelpful and often hurtful.

“At least he/she is in a better place…” —- First of all, to someone whose grieving the loss of a loved one, they’re sad their loved one isn’t here on earth with them. That would be the better place. In the event of long-term suffering, this may feel true of the griever, but we should never assume that’s how they’re feeling.

“I know how you feel…” —- Impossible. Every loss is different because every relationship is different. It is impossible to know how someone is feeling, and it is unhelpful and hurtful to assume otherwise. Two sisters who experience the death of their mother, despite experiencing the same loss, they’re thoughts and feelings about the loss will be completely different. Each of them experienced a mother-daughter relationship that was unique to them. Similarly, if two people, unrelated, experience a similar loss, although they can relate to each other, their losses will still be individually unique.

“You’re young; you can try/find love again [referring to miscarriage, death of a spouse/significant other]…” —- Saying this is a complete disregard for the emotional weight of what’s been lost. A child, regardless of gestation, is a child to that mother. One never knows the challenges someone faces, too, in conceiving. Also, one never knows if this is a first miscarriage or one of several. Again, it is assuming a story that is ultimately hurtful in this situation. Such is true, too, when it comes to the death of a spouse/significant other when young, To that person, they’ve lost the love of their life. The last thing they’re thinking about is finding love again.

It’s been a year; shouldn’t you be over it by now? —- As I mentioned previously, time does nothing but pass. Whether the loss occurred one or ten years ago, there’s no standard of time by which someone will grieve. March 31st will mark thirty-three years my dad has been gone. The sadness still exists. My children don’t know their grandfather. And, I haven’t had my dad to call on Father’s Day all these years. However, unlike many years prior, today, when I think of my dad, I think about him as my angel. And, I’m no longer emotionally weighed down or feel blame in my heart for how losing him changed my life. Grief Recovery gave me the process and knowledge I needed to process that loss (and every other relationship that has been emotionally incomplete).

These are some of the most common examples of unhelpful and hurtful things we say (as grievers ourselves) to other grievers. I am expressing that these are hurtful/harmful things grievers say to other grievers because I believe we all grieve at 100%. We all grieve something or someone. You may not feel you are a griever, but eventually, you will have another loss that brings all the losses before to the surface.

So, what should you say instead? If you find yourself in a position where you’re tempted to say one of the things above, instead, simply ask how you can help or support them, offer a hug, or, express how you’re there for them whenever they need. It need not be complicated or wordy – these are one of those instances where sometimes, less is truly more.

xx victoria

P.S. In case you missed it, this is my birthday week! This week only, receive $41 off the One-on-One, 7-week grief recovery program, and 60-minute Distant/In-Person Reiki sessions are $41. Reiki sessions and One-on-One spots are limited, and this promotion only goes through this Sunday! Purchase Reiki sessions now, use them later! Reserve a One-on-One spot now; coordinate with me for a time that works best for you! Do you have any questions? Email me at victoria [at] theunleashedheart [dot] com. xx

Pin It on Pinterest

Share This
Skip to content