complexity of losing a parent

 

Losing a parent is a complex experience. You may feel shock, anger or frustration, or a combination of all three. Other common experiences include feeling guilty if you weren’t there for their death or a sense of the current situation not feeling like a reality. 

As a child and even when you become an adult, you expect to have your parents around for many years to come. You believe that they’re going to be there, watching over you, providing you with their help and support until you’re well into adulthood yourself. But that’s not how it always works out. Many people lose parents early as I did (age 8). 

Therefore, in this post, we take a look at some of the things that you can do after you lose a parent (from an adult perspective) and why the experience is so complex. 

Do What You Need To Do To Take Care Of Your Wellbeing

Grief can have a profound physiological effect on the body. That’s because it puts you into a state of shock and can often happen without any warning. Even if you have forewarning, there is nothing that finalizes a loss like that person’s death. Even though you may know it’s coming, the finality of it often doesn’t hit until after the loved one passes. You may feel as though the person is already gone, depending on the circumstances (such as in the case of terminal illness or dementia). However, again, it’s not until the loved one passes where the finality hits. 

Before the passing of the loved one, there are plenty of distractions, too. Doctor visits, daily tasks of caregiving and support, and logistical and practical things people need to be taken care of while they’re alive. Before a loved one passes, these familiar patterns of behavior suddenly change with death, and this alone can put people into an emotional tailspin. Suddenly, the need to be needed is no longer there. For some, this may come as a huge relief. However, it’s still a change in a familiar pattern of behavior. For others, it’s the sudden awareness of time and this desire to fill that space of time starts to creep in, so what do many grievers do? They find a way to keep busy. And, far too often, that is the unhelpful advice others will give, too. “Just stay busy and, you’ll be fine – eventually.” So, so unhelpful to a griever.

Therefore it’s at times like these that you need to ensure that you’re looking after yourself better than you usually would. Getting enough sleep, for instance, is critical. If you struggle with sleep normally because of work, you may request bereavement leave or a change in your duties. I’ve had several podcast guests share in this sentiment, too, to take the necessary time off. You will not be as productive, anyway. When we break a leg, we go to the doctor and take the necessary time off from work to heal. Why do we not do this with our hearts? Gotchya there, didn’t I? It’s absolutely true! Our hearts need time to mend, just like any broken body part would. Granted, there is no timeline to grief, and it can feel like a luxury to have time off. For some people, that’s simply not an option. That being said, what are your options? You may need to get creative, but sometimes just changing how you work can benefit your emotional health significantly. Maybe grief will help you to realize that the environment in which you’re working is toxic and that it’s time to find something else more nurturing to your spirit.

Grief is a clarifier, and it awakens the dormancy of other hurts in our hearts. Use the awareness that it brings to make positive changes forward for your well-being. 

Another area you’ll want to tend to is ensuring that you prioritize your nutrition and cooking, even if you don’t feel like eating. Healthy foods are one of the best ways to get on the road to recovery. Clearly, aim for moderation in all things, and avoid alcohol use as dependency on it long-term can harm you. As I’ve shared before, alcohol and food can easily become STERBS (short-term energy relieving behaviors) that we resort to when all we want is to feel better. These things don’t make us feel better after, though. They only pile on the guilt and shame. 

Share Memories

Telling stories about the loved parent that you’ve lost can actually aid you in your bereavement. Talking to grandchildren about your parents’ lives, for instance, allows you to appreciate their life and stops you from bottling it all up.

I recall a story that broke my heart. This person was an adult whose parent had recently died. The person expressed how upset it made them when their child brought up the grandparent (this person’s parent) and how they would, essentially, shut the child down from talking about their beloved grandpa. This absolutely broke my heart.

Young children know how to grieve. Heck, they express every emotion there is, don’t they? However, as we age, it is the adults in our lives (and unhelpful and hurtful) messages in society that perpetuate this belief that we are to not share our feelings and are to grieve alone. Therefore, emotionally stifled children become emotionally stifled adults. And, these beliefs about how to grieve are then passed on to the next generation.

Do you see why this is important to understand and why I am so passionate about educating about grief? Our future generations rely on us getting this through our heads and doing better than the generation before us.

So please, as much as it hurts you, put your adult ego aside, and please allow children the time and space to express themselves. Have the conversations about how you miss your loved one – together. Cry – together. Grieve – together. You are teaching a valuable lesson that they will carry with them well into adulthood.

I was not given that opportunity, like so many children aren’t. As an adult, expressing yourself and sharing memories is the fastest (and healthiest) way to feeling better. And, it’s so important to choose your listening ears wisely, too.

Do Something To Remember Them

You can also pay your respects by creating a tribute memorial for a loved one. This could be anything, from planting their favorite flowers in your backyard to creating a home shrine. You could also explore financial options, such as donating to their favorite charity. 

Take Time To Forgive

Before you roll your eyes, read on…💛

Some people are angry with their parents. So, emotionally, their death can be even more complex. You feel various emotions, some of which make you feel dreadful about yourself and who you are as a human being. Trust me; I get it. 

Life doesn’t always provide us with answers to all our questions. But that’s okay – you can accept the mystery. Therefore, you can forgive your parents, even if you don’t understand why they acted in the way that they did at times. 

The beautiful thing about grief recovery is it allows you to address those moments in time you can’t seem to let go of and forgive. Those times that pull you back in time, and you feel the pain and hurt all over again like it was yesterday. These moments are impacting you daily, whether you realize it or not. How you are coping (or not) impacts your life, whether you care to admit it or not.

Forgiveness isn’t for them; it’s for you. It’s not about condoning or forgetting; it’s about no longer swallowing the resentment, which is a poison you’re holding onto in your body.

Forgiveness is about emotional freedom from the pain that you will no longer let those things hurt you anymore.

Allow Comfort

Lastly, you’re allowed to let other people comfort you and take over some of the responsibilities of your life for a time. Completely isolating yourself doesn’t do much to help, and it would likely make matters worse.

This is so hard for so many people who were raised as people-pleasers. You know who you are, the ones who take care of everything without a word needing to be said. You’re the one who gives until they’re blue in the face and, deep down, resentful for it. You want to be cared for but simply were never taught how to be because, again, you maybe had to grow up fast as a child. There wasn’t any coddling or nurturing in your life, so you found your resilience, self-sufficiency, and resourcefulness instead. You likely had a lot of responsibility as a child, too.

You don’t know how to be cared for and, I get you. I do. So, rather than feeling the pressure of delegating, start with YOU. What does your heart need today? A walk in nature? A soak in the tub? Or a good belly laugh? Nurture your heart with the simple pleasures of life and feel gratitude in those moments. Then, as you go, assess what you can let go of, delegate, and ask for help.

If you have children and are a stay-at-home/work-at-home parent, you may want to put them into childcare for a while or see if you can do a child swap with a friend – it’s a win-win! Or you could temporarily hire household help to assist with the chores. Find some way to build in support. 

We often don’t know what we need until someone throws it in our lap. So, if you’re reading this and know of someone on the grief struggle bus right now, steal some of these ideas or read this post on learning how to support a grieving friend or listen to the podcast where my guests share tips just like this!

much love, victoria

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