Grief, Grieving Voices Podcast, Podcast, season 5, solo episode |
SHOW NOTES SUMMARY:
Grief isn’t merely an emotion; it’s a profound energy that demands reflection and immersion into our deepest feelings. But too often, our intellect and ego stand as gatekeepers, preventing the deep emotional healing we desperately need.
In this week’s solo episode, I speak of the body as a compass through loss. Grief tells us when to pause and feel deeply if only we stay grounded enough to heed its guidance. Neglected grief is insidious—it can manifest into physical ailments or emotional turmoil.
Key Points Discussed:
- Grief’s Energetics: I compare grief to a body of water that overwhelms us and emphasizes the importance of allowing ourselves to feel deeply rather than intellectualizing our emotions.
- Physical and Emotional Connection: Our bodies and emotions have a visceral understanding of loss.
- The Impact of Unprocessed Trauma: How past traumas, like sexual abuse or physical violence, can lead us to dissociate from painful experiences and how this affects our present life choices.
- The Opportunity for Growth Through Grief: While it might be hard to hear, especially during times of suffering, there is potential for growth through processing our grief effectively.
- Searching for Episodes by Loss Type: I encouraged my listeners to explore previous episodes categorized by types of loss, such as widowhood or parental loss, via the blog’s search function.
- Rituals and Recovery Methods: I highlighted the importance of rituals and community support in grieving processes and suggested engaging in my “Do Grief Differently” program as a way forward.
- Unleashing Painful Emotions: I shared my own transformative experience where acknowledging all forms of grief led me to release intense emotions that had been pent up inside.
If you’ve ever felt lost in your grieving process or know someone who does—remember my voice echoing softly amidst the noise: “Healing is possible. Your emotions are valid. And most importantly—you’re never alone on this journey toward reclaiming your heart after loss.”
RESOURCES:
_______
NEED HELP?
- National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 1-800-273-8255
- Crisis Text Line provides free, 24/7 support via text message. Text HOME to 741741 to connect with a trained Crisis Counselor
If you are struggling with grief due to any of the 40+ losses, free resources are available HERE.
CONNECT WITH VICTORIA:
Embracing Grief as a Natural Process
I understand that grief carries a profound energy – one that requires us to pause, reflect deeply, and immerse ourselves fully into our emotions. She argues convincingly that this force has tangible effects on both body and mind; thus, processing it isn’t just beneficial but necessary for healing.
Our intellect and ego can sometimes act as barriers preventing us from experiencing the rawness of our feelings during the grieving process. This resistance can halt emotional healing at its core. By acknowledging this challenge openly on her podcast, Victoria invites listeners to let go of mental blocks and embrace their vulnerability.
The Body: A Compass Through Mourning
One key insight that I share with you is viewing the body not just as a vessel but also as a guide through the labyrinth of loss. Staying grounded allows individuals to navigate their journey more intuitively by truly feeling each emotion without shying away or intellectualizing them.
Unaddressed grief doesn’t simply fade away; it often manifests itself through physical ailments or emotional disturbances. However, when acknowledged and processed properly – something that I advocates strongly for – healing becomes attainable. We can then remember those we’ve lost without being incapacitated by sorrow.
Do Grief Differently: A Program for Healing
To aid grievers along this path, I offer the program Do Grief Differently which equips participants with tools designed not only for immediate relief but long-term application throughout life’s many challenges involving loss. This approach acknowledges two critical points: first, that sadness may linger even after healing occurs; secondly, understanding how past traumas influence current behaviors is crucial in moving forward constructively.
Broadens the scope beyond death-related grief by addressing other forms such as abandonment issues or financial losses—demonstrating empathy towards all who suffer regardless of circumstance while encouraging listeners to find solace in episodes most pertinent to their unique experiences.
My comprehensive resource extends further via blog posts where I delve deeper into topics discussed on air—a testament to her commitment towards providing accessible support no matter where someone might be on their grieving journey.
Confronting Unresolved Pain Head-on
Allowing unresolved pain from festering beneath life’s surface—it can lead to ongoing physical discomforts or emotional turmoil if left unchecked.
Rituals play an essential role here; they offer structure within chaos—a sentiment echoed across various cultures worldwide—and provide opportunities for expression during times when words fail us.
By facing pain directly rather than avoiding it (a central theme), people gain empowerment over their circumstances instead of remaining ensnared by unprocessed emotions—which ultimately leads toward clarity and peace.
An Invitation Towards Self-Care & Engagement
As each episode concludes with heartfelt advice urging self-care practices especially concerning physical health impacts due to unprocessed emotions—listeners are encouraged not only listen passively but actively engage themselves within community discussions around shared experiences fostering collective growth outwards together alongside fellow grievers seeking similar paths toward wellness.
Episode Transcription:
Victoria Volk: Hello. Hello. Good morning. Good afternoon or good evening. Whatever time it is you’re listening to this solo episode. Thank you for being here. And I was not sure what I wanted to talk about for this solo episode, but then I had a song come into my head from Lotto. Which I did look it up, how to say it right. And it is Lotto. Lotto. She’s a female rapper here in the United States. Anyway, she has a song called Big Energy and that song came into my mind and I thought what else has Big Energy Grief. Grief. That’s big energy. So that’s what I wanna talk about today is the big energy that is grief. And the energetics of it specifically, grief asks us, to become quiet and stop. Stop. To stop. Stop the movement. Stop the mind unraveling to just stop and dive into the depths. Of our souls. And it’s our intellect that usually tries to not usually, it does. Our intellect is what lifts us out of that grip of grief the deep wound of grief, I think before we’re ready, before we allow ourselves to be immersed. In that deep ocean, whatever you wanna call it. However, it’s like this body of water that feels like you’re drowning. You feel like you’re being swallowed up. Our bodies and our emotions have a visceral understanding of death and loss. We know that we can no longer touch or see those who have passed, yet we can still feel the embrace of a lost lover or hear the laughter of a child who has died, our bodies miss limbs that we have lost. And our bodies remember that pain. Our bodies and our emotions experience the reality of injury of loss of separation or even death every day. These two elements body our body and our emotions. No grief. Which means they can act as our guide. If we can stay grounded to our bodies and stop ourselves from flying off into some spiritual or intellectual distraction in response to grief. And as a result, we would we would be able to receive the c the healing that grief can offer us. We just don’t allow ourselves to go to that depth to allow our bodies to feel fully and let those emotions pass through us, move through us, let the body rid itself of the emotional pain you know, that twinge that you feel, that heartache, that heaviness in your chest, when we think about either the suffering that someone else inflicted on us, because grief isn’t just about death. I’ve said that so many times on this podcast. If you’ve never heard another episode before. There’s four plus years of content there for you to check out. I advise you to check out the first ten episodes, which actually might be ten to fifteen episodes, twelve, something like that. That really dive into grief itself and give you some background information and kind of lay a foundation of what the next episodes and the years that follow really lean on. Our bodies know how to process. It’s our ego. It’s our intellect. Our logic. Our analysis paralysis is what gets in the way, is what stunts our growth through grief. I’ll call it that. We have an opportunity to grow from our grief, despite our grief. No one wants to hear that grief is a growth opportunity, nobody. If someone would have told me that after my dad died, had I not been eight years old, granted. But even as a young adult, when I was still in the throes of grief really because my early twenties were kind of a shit show. So if someone would have told me, what I just said, I would have dismissed it. I probably would have been, like, your freaking crazy and it’s bullshit is what I probably would have said. Nobody asks, for that test. Nobody asks to be in that group of people who are suffering in their grief. And there is many of you out there listening to this right now who are suffering in your grief. And I just implore you that if you have never let yourself ask deeper questions about the loss you’ve experienced? Maybe it’s abandonment, maybe it’s loss of safety or security, financial loss, divorce, estrangement, There are so many scenarios I’ve shared with guests throughout the years. Driving the issue home, that grief is not just about death. I think we’ve established that by now. As you listen to the stories that people have shared throughout the years, And if you’re unsure, like, which episodes are for you, you can go to my website, actually, and there is a search box on the right side. If you click on one of the episodes of on the pod of the podcast on my blog, on the right hand panel, on the side, the right side, there is a you can search by categories. There’s widowhood. There’s parent loss, divorce, there’s everything is broken out by category. So if you wanna find an episode that maybe relates more to your situation. There’s a way to search for that on my on my blog, so I encourage you to check that out. Because there is four plus years of episodes. And if you’re not finding something that you’re resonating with or that you’ve or you’re wondering, like, where can I is there an episode about this topic? Reach out to me. I will send you a direct link. I will find it. I want you to see yourself in the people’s stories. And that’s why I try to represent all types of loss on this podcast. Just reach out to me if there’s an episode that you’re wondering if I cover a specific topic. That being said, regardless of the loss, regardless of your experience. There is a way forward. But we have to allow ourselves to feel it. Truly feel it. Feel that big, big, grief energy. Maybe like me. You were traumatized as a child. Maybe you’re a victim of sexual trauma like myself. Where over the years, you may be have maybe use painful events or scary movies. To further hone in your skills of disassociating, of disconnecting from your body. And whenever grievous situations occurred, boom, you shit out of your body, you just disassociate, completely disassociate, unable to feel. And I think so many people who have experienced trauma in that way, sexual trauma, physical abuse, just find yourself going somewhere else in your mind. Letting your mind take you somewhere else is the best way I can describe it. And I think then the response can be then to put yourself unconsciously, I don’t think it’s conscious. I think, unconsciously put yourself in the way of situations that help you to further disassociate to further not feel. And the only way to not allow those past experiences to continue to influence your present day and your future is to go back in time and to look at those things. And that’s what so many people have told me over the years is, I don’t need to dredge up the past. The past is in the past, but my friend, the past is your present. And your future until it is healed. And I say that word healed And I almost don’t even like saying it myself because it feels like it’s the weight of it is I don’t know. I feel like the word healing has become cheapened in a way. It’s like this elusive word that I don’t know. I feel like it’s lost. It’s meaning over time. But true healing in the form of when you think about that person, when you find yourself in a in a place where you remembering something from the past that it’s not taking you back in time to the pain You’re not feeling that in your body as you once did. It’s not influencing your decisions in the present. Or what you decide to do in the future. Those are I think those are unconscious processes that you don’t connect the dots at what you’re doing, why you make the decisions you make, why you move forward the way you do is because of the experiences of the past. And so when we acknowledge, that those things are influencing us when we learn new tools in recognizing and connecting the dots from our past to our present and to our future, That’s empowering. It’s empowering. If you don’t crave your losses, the people who have died or who have inflicted suffering upon you in some way, either get erased from your consciousness as if they weren’t important or they hang around in your psyche as if you’re being haunted. This is the pain. This is the suffering. Do you recognize these things in your life right now. Ask yourself these two questions. What must be mourned? What must be released completely? Ask yourself these internal questions. And I want to make a distinction between being caught in grief because you’ve, like, fallen into this another world ocean. And being caught in grief because your grieving process has not yet completed itself. Is most of us are rushed through our public grief and left to do our real grieving on our own. Without ritual, without ceremony, or without community. And in many cases, this the trapped grief is really just unfinished grief. If your grief is stuck in the body simply because it is unfinished, then walking yourself through a ritual practice for grief will help. Oh, going through grief recovery with me will help. It’ll also teach you a lot by the way and connect a lot of dots for you. But grieving takes its own time and it won’t leave you until you give your grief reference. So many people who I’ve talked to myself included, this will be my testament that once I honored and looked at all of the grief that I’ve experienced in my life, I was finally able to thank it. I was able to let it leave my body, the anger, the grief, The resentment, so so many emotions flooded out of me. Like, it was like the floodgates had opened. It was like the dam broke. I didn’t know if I could cry anymore tears. And if it’s been a long time since you’ve cried, you probably have a dam of tears just waiting to be unleashed as well. And it takes big, big energy to hold that in. And what is that doing to your body? That big, big energy needs to go somewhere? Are you putting it into alcohol? Are you putting it into other substance use? Are you putting it into people who you pour into, but don’t fill your cup, putting it into people pleasing, putting it into putting all that energy into seeking some sort of validation from others. What are you putting your big big grief energy into if it’s not into your into yourself? And into your healing. It’s going somewhere, or it’s destroying you from the inside. You have diabetes? Are you suffering with obesity? Do you have heart issues? The list goes on and on, migraines, fibromyalgia, this insidious body affecting thing that is idiopathic. They don’t have a clue what causes fibromyalgia. I would say it’s grief. I would say it’s unprocessed trauma. All over body pain. Tingling, sometimes numbness, like pins and needles. Aikiness. Just overall aikiness. I was tested for showrooms, I was tested for RA, so many tests. They didn’t come right out and say I had fiber mildly, but Looking back in hindsight, I’m surprised they didn’t. Inflammation in the body. Is stress in the body? And where is that stress coming from? Yes, we have environmental stress. Yes, we have physical stress, grief is stress, trauma is stress. Our bodies hold onto that. Our logic, and our ego, and our minds hold onto that as a protective blanket of sorts. Thinking we’re protecting ourselves. When really we’re causing our own suffering. I think that’s the perfect way to end this episode. Just think about where you’re putting the big, big energy that is grief. Where are you putting that energy? Where is it being stored in your body? How is it manifesting in your life? What do you need to let go of and release? What needs to be honored in your past? These are the deeper questions. And when you ask the deeper questions, my friend, you get the deeper answers. And if you are needing support in doing that, a little hand holding, you know where to find me. Until next time, remember, when you unleash your heart, you unleash your life. Much love.
Educational, Grieving Voices Podcast, Podcast, solo episode |
National Grief Awareness Week | 10 Tips for Grieving Hearts to Nurture Hope During the Holidays
SHOW NOTES SUMMARY:
In this episode, we’re continuing the grief education in honor of National Grief Awareness Week on December 2nd-8th. Last week, I shared facts, staggering statistics, and insights about grief, many of which surprised me!
So many people will be going into this Christmas missing a loved one or wishing a relationship would be different, better, or more. The holidays often bring up a lot of emotions. And sitting with all of the big feelings without self-awareness, tools, and support only exacerbates those emotions.
Today, I share ten tips for grieving hearts to nurture hope during the holidays—many of which I’ve shared in the past. However, sometimes you need to hear it differently or another time when you’re ready to really hear it. Maybe today will be when the information will land differently in your heart.
RESOURCES:
_______
NEED HELP?
- National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 1-800-273-8255
- Crisis Text Line provides free, 24/7 support via text message. Text HOME to 741741 to connect with a trained Crisis Counselor
If you are struggling with grief due to any of the 40+ losses, free resources are available HERE.
CONNECT WITH VICTORIA:
Victoria Volk: Hello. Hello. I hope this podcast today finds you well. And if not, if you’re struggling, with the holidays coming up, then this episode is for you. Last week, I shared that it was National Grief Awareness Week between December second through the eighth. And in honor of National Grief Awareness Week, I am concluding with a second episode in the two-part series. This time I’m talking about grief during the holidays and last week was facts, stats, and grief in the workplace, which probably affects the majority of us. A lot of interesting statistics and facts were shared in that episode, I will link to it in the show notes if you’re interested in listening.
Victoria Volk: But today, let’s talk about the holidays. Because they’re fast approaching. And I know there are some people out there who this is the first time after a loss of a loved one going to into the Christmas season without that person, and it can be very challenging. While there are other critical dates and times that affect grieving people, it’s the holiday season. That is one of the biggest stimulus to provoked memories and feelings about important people in our lives who have died or who are no longer present at holiday celebrations and rituals. And it could be from divorce or other arrangements. Again, I’ve said it like a thousand times, grief is not just about death, my friends.
Victoria Volk: So the holidays are supposed to be a happy time. But let’s be honest, you know, many of us are grieving this time of year. And not just about the death, divorce, or job loss, everyone has issues. So let’s discuss hopes, dreams, and expectations, changes and choices, my friends.
Victoria Volk: I have heard it said that expectations are planned disappointments, or an expectation is just a disappointment that hasn’t happened yet. And expectations are at an all time high during the holidays. We have a lot of expectations about who coming together for the holidays? Will it be what will it be like? What will we do? There are just a lot of uncertainties. Will everybody be happy? Will we get along? What if the food doesn’t turn out? Or what if it just doesn’t taste right? Or what if your sewer, like, backs up and you lose water? Like, that didn’t happen to us during the holidays, but it happened during my son’s graduation. Had a household of people. You can’t plan for that stuff. Right? But you have these high hopes and high expectations that like for me, just became a disappointment. Right? But many hopes, dreams, and expectations are wrapped up in the holidays.
Victoria Volk: It’s important to remember that losing or letting go of a hope, dream, or expectation can be a loss too. Times have changed. Little kids aren’t playing with the matchbox cars on the floor anymore. Everybody’s sitting on the couch looking at their phones. I’ve actually I mean, I’ve caught I’ve caught myself too, but I’ve taken stock like when all the families together, like how many people in the room are sitting on their phones. Right? This is the time that we live in it’s a fact of life, but a lot of people listening to this are experiencing a change in traditions and plans.
Victoria Volk: And one definition of grief is the natural, it is the natural and normal response to change or loss. The change in familiar patterns, habits, or traditions. As I said, if this is your first Christmas, without a loved one, I’m sure you’ve already given this a lot of thought. There’s going to be a lot of change. Change is a significant cause of grief. We just don’t call it that. We don’t articulate it or think about it that way, which is why it’s so hard to deal with some of these changes and expectations that aren’t being met.
Victoria Volk: First of all, we don’t even think about it as a grieving situation. We don’t articulate it to ourselves do we even share it with somebody else? How can they even understand or disappointment? Something that disappoints me might not even be a big deal to somebody else, but this is a thing, like, then what you have people doing sometimes is they’re minimizing what you’re experiencing or minimizing what you’re trying to share. And it can hurt you greatly into someone else it’s not a big deal, but sometimes we just need to learn to be a listening ear and be supportive. And even if it doesn’t seem like a big deal to us, we just try and be the support. Right? That’s one thing you can do this holiday season.
Victoria Volk: The good news is, though, is that and this is why I talk about a lot too, is we have choices. Grievers just don’t think they have any options. They’re just the victim.
They’re stuck with whatever is it going to happen and it won’t be good enough, but that’s not true. What is true is that we can’t change what has happened. We may not have a lot of influence or power to change what will be but we can choose how we respond to those changes and how we respond to those losses.
Victoria Volk: I want you to take some time to figure out and identify all of the changes that you may be experiencing during the holidays, but do it during these pre-holiday days. As we time is quickly passing by, just take stock, kind of play play it out to the end. Right? Like, think about the holidays coming up and the different rituals and traditions and things that you used to do with your loved one. Think about all of those different changes, everything that will be different this time around, and then choose to not sit and be the victim. Reframe how you will see these next several days and weeks as you go through the holidays.
Victoria Volk: And here’s some advice if you want to take it. First of all, try to have fewer expectations. Put your hands up and ride the roller coaster without expecting what the ride will be actually be like.
Victoria Volk: And secondly, reframe how you see things. You get to choose how you make what the holidays happen. You can’t change what’s happened in the past and can’t change what will happen in the future, but you can change. You can change. You can also choose how you respond to what’s happening today. Do you want to be saddened and gloomy during the holidays? Who would? I don’t. The principles and actions of the grief recovery method, which is what I facilitate through my program Do Grief Differently are dedicated to helping people discover and complete what was left emotionally unfinished by a death, divorce, or other loss. In the interest of helping both grieving people and the friends and family near them, I thought I’d share holiday tips that give some basic, practical, and emotionally helpful guidance.
Victoria Volk: So there’s ten tips. The first five relate primarily to the death of someone important to you. And that person might have been a loved one or may have been what we call a less than loved one, but you will probably still be affected by their absence. And the second set of five tips relates either to the death of a spouse or to divorce. And we’re not comparing those experiences just suggesting that the tips can be helpful in either situation.
Victoria Volk: So here are five tips for the holidays, if you’re grieving the death of someone important to you. Don’t isolate yourself. It’s normal and natural to feel lost and alone, but don’t isolate. This is one of the mess of grief. Right? Grieve alone. Even if you have to force yourself to be with people and participate in normal activities, just do it. If someone asks you to go out and do something, go and tell people, you know what, keep asking. Even if I say no this time, you just keep asking. One of these times, I will say yes.
Victoria Volk: Tip two: Don’t misuse food or alcohol to cover up or push down your feelings. As children, when we were sad about something, we were often told, don’t feel bad, have a cookie, you’ll feel better, and cookies don’t make the child feel better, it makes the child feel different, and the real cause of this sadness is not addressed. When we get older, alcohol and drugs are used for the same wrong reasons to mask feelings of sadness.
Victoria Volk: Tip number three: Talk about your feelings, but don’t expect a quick fix. It’s essential to have someone you trust to talk to about your memories and the feelings they in evoke. Ask your friend to just listen to you and try not to fix you. You’re sad. You’re not broken. You just need to be heard.
Victoria Volk: Tip number four: While it’s important to talk about your feelings don’t dwell on them. Telling the same sad story over and over is not helpful. In fact, it can establish and cement a relationship to your pain. It’s better just to make a simple statement of how you feel in the moment. For example, say, I just had a sad feeling of missing him or her. You’ve likely heard me say, referring to support groups, support groups can be amazing for connection and meeting new people and it’s getting you out of the house. Right? And I’m saying, don’t grieve alone, so you go to support group. Great. But here’s the thing about support groups is if it’s the type of support group where it’s a repetition of the same stories over and over and over and nothing is moving you forward. You don’t feel like it’s getting you forward or moving in your life. It’s not, helping you grow and not that you have to grow through grief. I think I should do an episode on that, but if you let your grief be a part of you and you integrate it in a way that you give it the time and space and you feel it and you’re sitting with it and working through it by doing the work, which we do and Do Grief Differently. That’s different. That’s taking action. And this is what you don’t have in a lot of support groups. There is no action. So it’s just a lot of the same story and that doesn’t help you move forward in your life. If that’s what you’re desiring to do, I think there’s a time and space and a phase for support groups and things, but definitely use your own discernment, but that’s just kind of why that I wanted to say about support groups in this episode.
Victoria Volk: Tip number five: This time doesn’t heal. Actions do. Speaking of actions. Right? The myth that time heals a broken heart is just that. It’s a myth. Time can’t heal a broken heart anymore than air can jump into a flat tire. Time just goes by. It is the action you take within time that can help you feel better.
Victoria Volk: Speaking of feeling better, before we get into the next five tips, I just want to share a little bit about the new sponsor to my podcast, Magic Mind. I’ve been using their two-ounce shot for not quite the last thirty days. I think I have maybe four bottles left. And what I’ve noticed the onset after a few days is this calm that almost is new to me. It’s when I’m feeling like I have a lot on my to do list. If you just read my recent newsletter, it was all about checking lists, making lists and checking them off and all this and that about lists, but because we make all kinds of lists. But I love a good list, but at the same time, all the lists can become overwhelming and when getting close to the holiday season and whatever is going on in your life, it is a list that can help keep you organized, but it can also feel overwhelming, right? When we keep adding stuff to the list. Well, magic mind might be the thing that can help you as it’s helped me check things off the list.
Victoria Volk: And it like I said, it’s just kind of helped me notice this calm that has come over me when I’m using it. When I take that two-ounce shot in the morning with my coffee, it’s not a replacement for coffee, although it can be. You can drink it alongside your coffee. I take my get my first cup in, and then I take the shot, and I go about my day, and it helps you get into a flow state. It helps for me, it’s helped call me. I don’t know. It’s like I find my focus. A lot easier to get certain tasks done. And I’ve just really it actually tastes good too, but I’ve actually just really liked using it. And they’re actually gonna be launching in January in all of the Sprouts markets.
Victoria Volk: But for you listening to this, you can actually get fifty-six percent off your first subscription plus another twenty percent off your one-time purchase the first purchase, excuse me, with my discount code, “grieving voices”. So if you go to magicmind.com slash grieving voices and use the coupon code, “grieving voices” altogether, all caps, you will receive an additional twenty percent off your first purchase. And I just say try it and see what you think. Give it a good a week for sure of using it every day. They say after three days, you will notice a difference, but and I did. But after five days, I think it is, you kind of get more of the benefits because there’s neurotropics in it, adaptogens, matcha green tea, plus twelve other magical ingredients. And I like how the founder James Baeshara has says in his video about it. He says, athletes have gatorade, and creatives now have catorade. And I love that because as a creator, we can have a million things, like a million tabs open in our brain a day. Not to mention all of the family stuff and things that go on in our lives such as grief.
Right?
Victoria Volk: And so if there is anything that can help as we’re going through the grievance process or just as we’re navigating life, you know, this is just another kind of tool in our toolbox that we can use to help our brains function more optimally. And if that’s something you’re looking for, then I again checkout magicmind.com/grievingvoices for twenty percent off your subscription.
Victoria Volk: Alright. Back to the list in the next five tips. And so here’s five tips if you are grieving the death of a spouse or have experienced divorce. Tip number one: Just because you feel lonely doesn’t mean you’re ready to start dating. Don’t start dating while your heart is still broken or you will guarantee that the next relationship will fail. Being ready to date is a function of the actions you take within time to repair your heart. This is valid whether you’re dealing with a death or a divorce.
Victoria Volk: Tip number two: Don’t get too busy. Avoid hyperactivity. This is one of the myths of grief too, keeping busy. Be careful not to get too busy. Being super active just distracts you. It doesn’t help you deal with your broken heart. And you know what? There can be a lot of healthy. You’re deemed healthy distractions too. Just, let’s say, you’re an ultra-marathoner. That takes a lot of time. It takes a lot of determination and a lot of time commitment. And if you’re doing that has a distraction, from your feelings and for what’s happening in your life or the stressors of life. It’s a healthy coping mechanism for stress, of course, but if you’re not doing things in other aspects of your life to address your emotional well-being, then it could just possibly be a coping mechanism, a sterb, a short-term energy-relieving behavior. And it can become something that you become addicted to for that reason.
Victoria Volk: Tip number three: Maintain your normal routines. Adapting to the changes in your life following the death or a divorce is an enormous adjustment. You are learning how to move from being with someone to being alone, and it’s never a good idea to add a host of other changes while you’re trying to adapt to so much disruption in your life.
Victoria Volk: And tip number five: Go through the pain not under it, not over it, and not around it. It’s very tempting to try to avoid the pain associated with a broken heart, but it’s also a very bad idea. Whenever you skirt the pain, you’re also pushing it down which is only temporary. It will always come back to haunt you.
Victoria Volk: And tip number five: Find effective guidance or you will sabotage your future. While the grief of a broken heart is the normal reaction to the death of your spouse or to the end of a romantic relationship, it’s very helpful to find effective tools to help you discover and complete everything that was left emotionally unfinished otherwise, you will drag your emotional baggage into the next relationship and ruin it before it even starts.
Victoria Volk: There’s your five tips for each different type of loss, and a lot of these really just reiterate the six myths of grief. Don’t feel bad, grieve alone, replace the loss, be strong, keep busy, and time heals all wounds. For most people, the first holiday season after the death or a divorce is the most painful, but that’s not true for everyone. And for many, the second, third, and subsequent years are very painful. And since time doesn’t heal emotional wounds, as I’ve just said, people often report feeling says years go by. No matter when your loss occurred, it’s most important that you become aware that recovery is possible and to learn which actions will help you create some momentum and movement in your life. And when I say momentum and movement, it’s just progress. It’s getting back out into the world, integrating the experiences that you’ve had through the grief, through the years, however long it’s been and reframing, it’s a lot of reframing.
Victoria Volk: And often it takes support to help you shift your perspective to to modify your beliefs about grief, to shift how you feel about certain aspects of your relationship that you could you can’t go back and change. But again, you can change how you respond today. Because really the relationship continues whether the person has died or whether you’re divorced, there’s some sort of emotional continuation. Right? And so you can hold on to anger and bitterness and resentment and or the pain of the loss itself and the sadness and maybe even the hurt, even the most loving relationships, people hurt us you can hold on to all of that or you can recover from the pain. And when I say recover because a lot of people in the grief space have a lot of opinions about the word recover and the word heal. But when I say recover, it is recovering from the pain so that when you have these holidays coming up, you’re not taking back to that like this heart-wrenching pain that takes you down for weeks or days or even months on end into this, depression that you can’t find your way out of. It’s possible. Recovery is possible. And this is why I like the word recovery because it gives people hope. Because when people don’t have hope, that’s a slippery slope.
Victoria Volk: And I’m in the business of hope, so I like the word recovery. I’m gonna continue to use the word recovery. And because I know it’s possible. I know it’s possible. It happened for me. It’s happened to countless clients of mine and the thousands of people. I don’t even know how many people have gone through grief recovery. But it’s changed people’s lives, transformed people’s lives. One of the she’s marketing. She’s a trainer and things with the grief recovery institute. She was on my podcast early on. Her name is Sandy Derby. I’m gonna link to her up in the show notes because, I mean, she was addicted. She had a meth addiction. She was in an abusive relationship. And she was on a fast track to a really self-destructive life. She had a lot of trauma from her father and other family members, satanic ritualistic abuse. I mean, she went through the gamut of trauma and pain and suffering in her life and grief recovery, my friend, changed her life. And she is in the whole business just like me. And this is this is why I’m so passionate about this work.
Victoria Volk: So whether this is your first year of being without a loved one or it’s your tenth. I don’t care. It’s never too soon. It’s never too late. Reach out for help. Make twenty twenty-four the year of you. Alright. I’m gonna put those resources in the show notes. And if you have any questions about Do Grief Differently or anything else that I’ve said, and if you wanna join the conversation, please do so on social media. I’m @theunleashedheart on Instagram, that’s typically my favorite social media place to hang out. I’m not on there a lot, but I will read messages if I get them, so I encourage you to reach out or send me an email, [email protected]. And if you found this episode helpful, I hope you share it with someone you know or love. Who could benefit from these tips and come back to it anytime. I mean, the podcast is here. This is a free resource. Do this for you. It’s a labor of love and have many blessings for this upcoming season. My heart goes all out to all of you grievers. I know you. I wanna say I am you, but I grieve differently now. It’s not like it used to be for sure. I feel like we’re all lifelong grievers. I mean, there’s always something. There’s always something that life is gonna throw at us. Always. But we can build an emotional resilience and empower ourselves with new tools and new knowledge and a new belief about what we are capable of. A new belief about what it means to grieve in a healthy way. That’s where we can change, and that’s where we have choice. So remember, when you unleash your heart, you unleash your life, my friend. Much love.
Grieving Voices Podcast, Podcast, solo episode |
What It’s Like Working With Me
SHOW NOTES SUMMARY:
In today’s episode, you will learn what I bring to the table when choosing to work with me. I use aspects of my YouMap® to illustrate what’s in it for you as a client and more.
Today, there are far more options for grief support than were available five, ten years ago, and beyond. There are several training programs online that one can take to work with grievers, hang up their virtual shingles, and work with clients in exchange for money. However, not all grief coaches have done their own deep dive into their past losses and trauma, making it challenging to know who to trust, where to look, or where to start.
By the end of today’s episode, you will learn the specific skill set I bring to my work with clients and why it matters. Being the only certified grief specialist (who continues to apply the tools and framework I share with clients) and YouMap® coach worldwide does have its perks. Want to learn what they are? Check out this episode!
If you’d like to learn more about YouMap® and Do Grief Differently™️, check out the links below. Click HERE to schedule a no-obligation, free consultation!
I will not tell you how you should feel because you already know. – Me
RESOURCES:
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NEED HELP?
- National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 1-800-273-8255
- Crisis Text Line provides free, 24/7 support via text message. Text HOME to 741741 to connect with a trained Crisis Counselor
If you are struggling with grief due to any of the 40+ losses, free resources are available HERE.
Are you enjoying the podcast? Check out my bi-weekly newsletter, The Unleashed Letters.
CONNECT WITH VICTORIA:
Victoria Volk: Hey. Hey. Hey. Thank you for tuning in. It’s another episode of grieving voices, and this is actually episode one five o. And today, I’m doing something a little different that I’ve not done yet on the podcast, and that is to talk a little bit about what it’s like working with me. And I’m going to start with some Youmap stuff. And if you’re not familiar with Youmap, check out the show notes because I have a link to my website where it has more information on what I’m talking about. So I’m just gonna give a very brief overview of what my Youmap is in this episode, but I do have another episode I’m planning to put out in the coming weeks which is all about the importance of knowing yourself because if there’s anything I’ve learned through my own Youmap and working with other clients and their Youmap is that the more you know yourself, the less you look to others to tell you who you are and I am sure listening to this. You have plenty of people who have told you who you are in your lifetime and the grief that that’s probably caused you. So be on the lookout for that episode coming up.
Victoria Volk: However, today, what it’s like working with me. Let’s start there. So I’m gonna start out actually with my number one strength and which is found by going through the Clifton Strengthfinder, which is a part of the Youmap, that is one of the assessments. And the Youmap actually is just for a brief overview, is a holistic assessment profile and framework that is a foundation of self-awareness for endless personal and professional use. And the framework is based on four key pillars of view. So the first being your strengths. And this is the “How”. This is what we prioritize. It’s either our relationship building, influencing others, getting results or thinking. Strength explain how we work.
Victoria Volk: Our values is pillar two, and this explains why we work. So values explain our why based on what’s most important to us.
Victoria Volk: Pillar three is all about skills. It’s what we like doing. What skills are we motivated to spend our time using?
Victoria Volk: And the fourth pillar is personality. It explains our interests, who we are. Who are we? Are we a blend of the doer, the thinker, the creator, the helper, the persuader, or the organizer? And so all of these together combined create what is called the Youmap. And the Youmap radically reduces the time it takes me to get to know my clients who go through my program, which includes the Youmap and Do Grief Differently, the twelve-week one on one program.
Victoria Volk: And I included this, the Youmap program because it was actually, to me, what was missing in the grief work I was doing with clients. And so for me personally to learn my Youmap was life-affirming. My number one strength is empathy. And empathy is a relationship-building theme. And according to Youmap, it is how we’d define it. You can sense the emotions of others, feel what they are feeling, see the world through their eyes. You hear unvoiced questions, anticipate their needs. For this reason, others are drawn to you. So the thing about empathy and all strengths for that matter, there’s thirty two strengths in the Clifton Strengthsfinder, but they all have, like, healthy or productive descriptor words, but then there’s also unhealthy or barrier descriptor words. And so if I’m using my empathy well, my strength of empathy. I create trust. It brings healing. I know just what to say or do. I can customize my approach to others. But if I’m overusing empathy, I can appear to be soft, or as a child, a crybaby, I can be moody. And seem overly involved, which actually was a problem for me many years ago. I would overuse empathy and it would be to my dutch treatment because I was always there for other people and yet it seemed like when I needed someone there, for me, emotionally, people were unavailable, and I had some resentment around that. And maybe listening to this, you can relate to that. When you have the strength of empathy, people are drawn to you because you’re like the counselor in their back pocket. However, if without boundaries, without knowing yourself, this, you can see where this would create some issues for your life, which it did for me. So that’s the empathy strength.
Victoria Volk: The other relationship-building strength that I bring in working with my clients is connectedness. And that’s how I build relationships with my clients is through connectedness because I’m able to connect the dots of what they’re sharing with me. And the definition for connectedness is having faith in the links between all things. Like, we are all connected. You believe there are a few coincidences and that almost every event has a reason. You are a bridge builder among people who share differences. And so healthy descriptors of the connectedness theme would be spiritual. Doesn’t sweat the small stuff, has strong faith, always looking at the big picture, helps others see purpose. And an overuse of connectedness would come off as being passive or naive or too idealistic or wishy-washy, which I’ve been accused of being naive in the past.
Victoria Volk: And so you can see where these are just two strengths I’m talking about that are my strengths. But, you know, these are just two. Right? But we have five in our Yoump that we that combine to create strength assessment piece of the Youmap. Okay? But there’s thirty two that you can have and there’s different combinations. And I can’t remember the exact statistics. I mean, one in like a billion people have the same top five strengths as you if you’re listening to this. So we literally are snowflakes people. So anyway, using empathy and connectedness, this is how I build the relationships with my clients.
Victoria Volk: My other three strengths are input, intellection, and strategic, which are all thinking strengths. And so using those three, that’s how I absorb and analyze information to inform better decisions. Now for my clients, that means asking inquisitive and curious questions. Sometimes probing questions. To facilitate deeper reflection of my clients. And again, I’ll get more into the strengths and values and skills and personality in that future episode.
Victoria Volk: But today, I wanna tell you why this matters in working with me. I am not going to tell you how you should feel because you already know. But I will be able to feel into and sense how you feel, again, with my strength of empathy and connectedness often by your body language alone, or your tone. It’s those nuances of communication that I picked up personally as a child that became a necessity in an environment of chaos, and heartbreak, and extreme highs and lows of emotions that were exhibited by those around me. Also, I will challenge you. To see your experiences and yourself differently. This will naturally unfold to in the work that we do together. However, you’ll feel supported in the process. For some people, I may be the very first person who truly listens and hears you, and allows you to be a safe space – to be open and honest. As I briefly mentioned, through my strength of connectedness. I help clients connect the dots and patterns of the past to the present. And it’s one of my superpowers in grief coaching. But these themes emerge to me and often clients have aha moments and revelations that even surprised them. And also, I’m laid back and easygoing, but I hold my clients accountable to themselves in a loving way. I’m all in with my clients and I expect them to be also that for themselves. I know I’m not the grief coach for everyone and each person has to discern that for themselves. But that’s also hard to do when you don’t know yourself, which is greatly affected by grief and overwhelming emotion. It’s really hard to know what you need or where to start. If you value honesty, growth, inner harmony, compassion, authenticity, and curiosity, I’d say we’re a good fit to work together.
Victoria Volk: If you felt unsafe to express your emotions honestly most of your life, I’d again say we’re a good fit. And if you’ve felt misunderstood most of your life, then I’d say you’d get a lot more than grief coaching in working with me because I am the only certified grief specialist and Youmap coach in the world. So if that hasn’t convinced you yet, I highly encourage you to schedule a free consultation with me. I will put a link in the show notes if you are interested and diving deeper into your past and healing and grief and understanding yourself and knowing yourself better and where you need boundaries and where you’ve never had them and all of that goodness and more. And in a specific time frame in working with me, twelve weeks, I can guarantee that from week one to week twelve, you will have softened your heart and transformed your life. And I say you because that is the truth. You are doing the work. I am just holding space. I am the facilitator. And if you feel that I am a good fit for you, then I encourage you to reach out and learn more. And in the meantime, remember, when you unleash your heart, you unleash your life. Much love.