In this post, I shared what forgiveness is and what it isn’t. And, in that post, I also share what I’ve learned about forgiveness, as well as what not to do with forgiveness.

In this post, I’d like to share a deep-dive method I’ve learned in navigating forgiveness. Before we move on, however, if you haven’t completed the exercise I mentioned at the end of that post, I’m including the following info again, for your convenience.

Give some thought to both positive and negative events/unhappy memories of a relationship with someone you’ve found it difficult to forgive. This person can be living, deceased, and any relationship you wish would be or could have been different, better, or more in some way. It is, however, best to start with the closest relationship. For example, in my case, it is the relationship with my mother because she raised me.

Next, map these events in chronological order as best you can on a straight-line timeline, starting with your very first memory with that person regardless of it being positive or negative. For some relationships, it could be the first time you met that person. Keep going, writing the positive events above the line and the negative events below the line and ending with the current year. Also, maybe it was a misunderstanding or memorable event – keep those times in your relationship in mind, too, to add to your timeline. Ultimately, it’s the feelings you had when these things occurred that we’re wanting to dig deeper into.

Some examples are a new dress, a punishment, a vacation, abuse, a tender moment that’s stuck with you. Even with an abusive relationship, if there are positive memories (or actions like paying rent), those must be acknowledged as well. Be as honest with this as you possibly can. Every relationship is made up of good and bad and right and wrong; acknowledge both to express the true picture of the relationship.

When I did this exercise, I had to sit back and let it all sink in a bit. When you see all the things you’re holding on to in your heart, it’s eye-opening. You realize how much toxicity exists within your body. Not all events were below the line, however. I also felt more appreciation in other ways, too, for events written above the line.

The next step is to translate the relationship graph into three categories: apologies, forgiveness, or significant emotional statements. Above-the-line events are usually apologies or significant emotional statements. Some negative events may fall into two categories, too, if there is appreciation but also a negative emotion tied to the event.

When it comes to apologies, you may owe an apology for something you did or did not do. You may not have communicated something before the relationship came to an end. Regardless, this is your perception of your actions or inactions.

A Side Note on Apologies

When you feel like a victim, apologizing comes extra hard to do. I can speak for myself when I say that I had developed a lifelong relationship with my pain and acted like a victim for many years. I didn’t realize this was a problem until I experienced a mid-life unraveling (crisis) and looked inward for the first time.

No matter how insignificant it may seem, apologizing for even the slightest transgression is the only way you can complete your pain to move on from it.

Forgiveness: An Inside Job

The next category is forgiveness, which is the acceptance that there will not be a different or better yesterday. It is the action of giving up resentment held against another person. You would also never want to forgive someone face-to-face, as doing so will likely be met with defensiveness. Always keep in mind: forgiveness is an inside job. I have been a witness to this and it’s just not pretty. Don’t add insult to injury – this is inner work for you and you alone.

Things Left Unsaid

The last category is significant emotional statements. These are neither apologies nor something that calls for forgiveness. We tend to hold on to unsaid things that make a situation feel incomplete for us. A few examples would be: I love you, I hated you, I was ashamed of you, thank you for the sacrifices you made for me, etc.. This category includes all the things left unsaid or things we wish we had said or done (or hadn’t said or done).

Repeat the above for every relationship that’s caused you suffering and you’ll experience many a-ha moments and, my hope, healing as well.

I created a little guide to go along with this post. Enter your name and email and you’ll receive an immediate download. You’ll also receive The Unleashed Letters, which hits inboxes every Wednesday.

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