It Takes a Village
We’ve all heard the saying: “It takes a village to raise a family.” I want to add: “It takes a village to heal.” We can try all our might to heal alone, but that road is far more lonely, frustrating, and longer than it needs to be.
One of the myths of grief is to grieve alone. We are told, from a young age: if you want to cry, go to your room. In other words – grieve alone. It’s the idea that we are to have a stiff upper lip and there’s something to be sorry about for crying in front of others. I used to apologize when I got emotional in front of others because I hated the feeling that someone else was made to feel uncomfortable at my expense. Or, it was something to also be embarrassed about. I imagine men feel the latter more strongly than women, because, heaven forbid a man cries in public, right?
Our society doesn’t know what to do with grief – our own, much less the grief of others. But, I can tell you, there is a reason therapists still have a job. There’s a reason there are social workers. There’s a reason schools are mandated to have school counselors. And yet, here we are – having made no more progress in the pursuit of joy and inner-peace when it comes to the many losses we experience in our lives than where we were 3 generations ago. Because influenced learning continues. It’s also why the cycle of abuse in families generally continues. We learn from our parents and our parents learned from their parents and so forth.
So today – it takes a village to come to this understanding. And, it takes a village to heal, too. We start within ourselves, yes, but we can’t do it alone either. We need support, guidance, and a heart with ears. We need to be able to feel heard without judgment, criticism and analyzing.
The last three days have been filled with interesting conversations around grief, several that occurred very spontaneously, too. And, the one thing that occurred to me is busy-ness blocks healing. One of the other myths of grief to keep busy. Growing up, we’re taught that if you just keep busy and keep doing and going and going that it will somehow magically take our pain away. But, it never goes away, does it? We simply overlay it with the band-aid of busy.
Our busy-ness hinders healing for others, too. For example, when you ask someone how they’re doing and they reply with, what you know, is not going to be a simple I’m fine but rather a story about their disheartened state, you suddenly may regret you even asked. Because in your busy-ness you were hoping for a short answer. In fact, you were expecting it, right? So, you’re taken down the rabbit hole of someone else’s unfortunate day and all you’ve got running through your head is your to-do list, the meeting you’re supposed to be at, or maybe how you regret you even asked in the first place.
We’ve all been there – no guilt, no shame needed. But, let’s just bring this to our awareness for a moment. And, I challenge you, that – unless you’re really willing to be present for that person and give them your heart space for them to share, do yourself, and them a favor, and give a simple hello and smile instead.
Time heals all wounds, right? Wrong. It’s action taken within time that matters and we don’t take the action necessary – for ourselves or others, to nurture healing either. We don’t seek a village for support because of shame or guilt, and we are hesitant to offer our time to others, too out of fear, I believe, too.
There is so much more to this and I’ve barely scratched the surface. But, I hope it’s helped bring some awareness.
To healing – yours and mine,
P.S. Did this post resonate with you? I’d love to hear your thoughts in the comments! Know someone who would enjoy this? Use the easy-peasy share buttons! Thank you for reading! xx