reclaim your power

Today’s post has been brewing for a while, based on some conversations I’ve been having with others as of late.

Have you ever given any thought to the idea that within difficult relationships, how much power you’re giving to that person when you find yourself having a highly charged emotional reaction in response to feeling wronged or hurt by that person?

That’s a lot of power you’re putting in that other person’s hands, don’t you think? That you’ve handed over so much control of your heart and mind to them on a silver platter?

Or, flip it around, how about the power you have over the other person? Do you relish in it? Do you seek it? If so, in what ways? Why do you feel that control is necessary for you to have? Is it a “get them before they get me” mindset?

Sometimes, it’s a different perspective that helps us flip something in our heart and mind to realize that, wow, this is power I don’t want or need or, shifting ownership of the other person’s thoughts and feelings.

You do not need to take ownership of other people’s thoughts and feelings – those are the responsibility of the other person and frankly, are none of your business. If someone could read your mind and hear your every thought, you wouldn’t like that very much, would you? I know I’d be quite uncomfortable with it. But, hey – imagine it though, for a second. If we all walked around with bubbles above our heads that displayed what we were thinking. Wow! Seriously…you’d never have to guess what someone thought of you or you’d maybe have more compassion or empathy for that person when you see they’re sad but are treating you badly.

We use stories to make sense of the world around us and to process our inner-world. But, what story are you telling yourself when it comes to those relationships with those who’ve wronged or hurt you? That’s the power you’re handing over, do you see that? There is always an emotional energy exchange in relationships. The question is, what part are you going to own? You can only take ownership of your thoughts, your feelings, and your reaction.

Reclaim your power in relationships by creating boundaries of what is yours and what is theirs – to own in the relationship. Like we tell our kids all the time when they’re fighting with each other and say “You make me so mad!” No, my dear, no one can make you mad, you make yourself mad.” They hate hearing it every time. But, it’s the truth. We need to take ownership of our feelings. Rather than saying “you” say “I.” I am so mad. There – that’s more honest, isn’t it? That’s telling the truth – about yourself, right?

This is one of the many gifts of grief recovery I’ve been given. We aren’t taught this stuff in school. Our parents likely don’t teach this stuff to us either because they grew up walking around pointing fingers and blame, too. This is generational learning I’ve talked about in previous blog posts and it’s an epidemic.

Take back your power. And, in doing so, you’re sending it back to the person whose likely been giving it to you, too.

If we are peaceful, if we are happy, we can smile and blossom like a flower, and everyone in our family, in our society, will benefit from our peace. – Thich Nhat Hanh

much love, victoria

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