pregnancy infant loss awareness

October brings to mind pumpkin spice latte, fall colors, and National Breast Cancer Awareness Month. Also, October is also not just about breast cancer awareness, but it is also National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness month, which was established in 1988 by former President Ronald Reagan.

At the time, Reagan said: “When a child loses their parent, they are called an orphan. When a spouse loses her or his partner, they are called a widow or widower. When parents lose a child, there isn’t a word to describe them. This month recognizes the loss, so many parents experience across the United States and around the world. It is also meant to inform and provide resources for parents who have lost children due to miscarriage, ectopic pregnancy, molar pregnancy, stillbirths, congenital disabilities, SIDS, and other causes.” Also, October 15th is World Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day.

The number of people who face this loss is staggering!  The American College of Pediatricians noted the statistics from the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services earlier this year:

  • 1,000,000 pregnancies end with the loss of a baby through miscarriage or stillbirth each year (nearly 1 in 4).
  • 24,000 infants die each year in infancy.

Each of these deaths creates multiple grievers.  It is not just the parents who are impacted; the grandparents, siblings of that child, other family members grieve the loss as well and close family friends.

The American College of Pediatricians points out that this silent suffering can continue for years or even decades. Anyone who does grief recovery work would also agree with that statement. All too often, grievers receive little or no support to help them deal with this emotional pain. Considering miscarriage is one of the most minimized losses, it’s understandable there would be a whole lot of silent grievers out there.

The Emotionally Painful Things People Say

Friends and other family members may think that they are supportive, but all too often, the things that they say come off as intellectual comments rather than emotionally sensitive ones.

Typical, unhelpful comments include:

  • You can always have another child
  • At least it happened early
  • God needed another angel in Heaven
  • Next time will be better
  • At least you have other children
  • I know how you feel
  • Grief just takes time

Ask any parent who has lost a child if any of these comments made them feel better.  Most, if not all, will answer with a resounding “NO!”  No child is “replaceable,” so the idea that they might have another child does little or nothing to relieve the pain of losing this one!

People never intentionally mean to say hurtful things to grievers!  Very few of us have been educated as to “the right thing to say” in this situation or any other grief causing event. Furthermore, others that are worried about saying “the wrong thing” often say nothing at all.  The absence of acknowledgment can leave these grievers feeling that their deep emotional loss isn’t important or painful.

Time Heals Nothing

People often say that “Grief just takes time.”  It would be wonderful if this were the case or that there was a time table to grief.  Unfortunately, this is not true; time does nothing but pass. Over time, a griever becomes accustomed to carrying around that emotional pain deep inside. Grievers “silently suffer,” because no one is there to offer an effective way to deal with it! It’s action taken within time that matters most! While there may be a number of “support groups” in your community or online, many of them support you in expressing your pain. However, few offer few, if any, assistance in helping you to take effective action to move out from under the cloud it has cast over your life. If you are, however, looking to connect with those who’ve “gone before you;” navigating a similar and devastating loss such as miscarriage or an infant, click here to find support, if you’re not finding it in your community.

How You Can Take Action to Move Forward 

In addition to the link provided above, if you are suffering the pain of having lost a child, check to see if there is a Grief Recovery Method Support Group in your area.  Unlike most other support groups, this program offers a truly effective action plan for emotional recovery.  It is not about forgetting your loss, which you will never do, but instead teaching you the necessary tools to deal with the pain in your heart!

John W. James, a Vietnam veteran and creator of this program, lost his first son within days of his birth and struggled with his grief after that loss.  Rather than just giving in to that pain and carrying it with him for the rest of his life, he searched until he found a recovery solution that worked.  He discovered a way to say “goodbye” to the dreams and expectations he had for the life of his child, without letting go of the joy these dreams had brought to his heart.

The Best Thing You Can Say 

In any grief situation, perhaps the best thing to say is: “I cannot begin to imagine how you are feeling. I’m here to listen if you would like to talk about it.”  If you experienced a similar situation, you might add how you remember what it felt like to you, but that you wish to understand just what it is that they are feeling. After that, listen without analysis, criticism, or judgment. Realize that there is nothing that you can say that will “fix” the situation and make it better!

Reach out to anyone you know who has suffered such a loss and let them know that you are thinking about them and care! That’s the simplest way you can be supportive!

On a personal note, I’ve never experienced a loss such as these and I cannot even wrap my head around what these losses feel like. We are never supposed to out-live our children, regardless of how long they’re heart was beating. A beating heart is a human being with a soul and it hurts when the opportunity to watch their soul be fully expressed is lost. Not to mention, all of the hopes, dreams, and expectations, too. My heart goes out to you if you’re reading this and you’ve experienced a loss such as these. Never lose hope of recovery – it is possible. John James is living proof; he has created a gift that keeps on giving – for himself and for the world.

*This post is adapted from The Grief Recovery Institute blog.

much love, victoria

P.S. Are you interested in learning more about the grief recovery programs I facilitate? Email me at victoria [at] theunleashedheart [dot] com. Do you want to be the first to know of the next group starting? Sign up for my newsletter that’s filled with content not shared anywhere else. News, Grief Recovery related info, and insider [personal] info is shared with my fellow hurting heart tribe first! Newsletters go out each Wednesday, so click here to join me >>>  Or, perhaps you prefer one-on-one? We could start one-on-one as soon as you’re ready if you’re local to me! Get in touch for more info.

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