Pain is inevitable suffering is optional

Pain is inevitable: suffering is optional. – Haruki Murakami

The above quote is an old Buddhist saying. I’ve found it applicable to my life many times over; that’s especially true before grief recovery.

The hurts of life are inevitable. Each of us will find ourselves in situations that challenge our beliefs, values, or something happens where someone (or something) is taken from us. As we say in grief recovery, we’re taught how to acquire things (or people) but not what to do when we lose them.

No one enjoys affliction, discomfort, brokenness, physical pain, or emotional heartache. We weather many seasons throughout our lives, and it’s never enjoyable to be in the thick of the difficulties life presents to us.

What is the difference between pain and suffering? Do you believe there is one?

Suffering is different because it involves resistance to pain and usually involves attachments to outcomes. In grief recovery, grief is described as the loss of hopes, dreams, and expectations, and anything we wish would’ve been (or could be) different, better, or more. With that description, you can see where many of us have attachments to outcomes.

Pain is a part of life, but it doesn’t have to rule your life. Suffering, however, is not a part of life, and we (more often than not), do it to ourselves. For example, let’s say we’re having a conversation, and I kick you in the shin. That would be painful, right? A couple of weeks later, you find yourself thinking about that and wondering why on earth I did that to you and may find yourself hurt all over again or even getting angry at the thought. The more you think about it, the more upset you get. Heck, I may as well be standing beside you and continually kicking you in the shin all over again. You find yourself ruminating in the story of what happened in the past in an event where you can’t change what happened but where you now can change how you feel about it. Choosing to ruminate and be angry and upset and replaying the story in your mind is causing unnecessary suffering to yourself.

We are all guilty of this. I know I am – even as recent as this past week. This is life, my friends. But, having the awareness around situations like this is where we then have a choice. Grief makes us feel like we don’t have a choice. But we always do. It’s important to experience all of the emotions that come up for us and not stuff or distract ourselves from what’s going on. However, it’s very empowering to know you’ve chosen a more self-serving path for yourself that honors how you’re feeling but yet, doesn’t prevent you from fully living in the moment. Allowing this unnecessary suffering robs us of living in the moment.

Perhaps I needed to write this blog post today to remind myself of this today. In fact, I know I did. I do feel so much better about a situation that is what it is. And, causing myself to stew and ruminate isn’t serving anyone. In fact, it’s left me feeling like I’ve been going a bit crazy lately; unable to focus or concentrate, loss of productivity, emotional rollercoaster of emotions, and yes – unnecessary suffering. It ends today. Today, I’m choosing to take the high road, to be true to who I am and in integrity for the compassionate and honest person I know I am. I will no longer allow that to be compromised by the situation. It is up to me to choose differently for me (and those who live with me, let’s be honest). At the end of my life, will I look back at this situation and think, “Gee, I sure wish I would’ve stewed about that for another year” or, “Well, I’m sure glad I took that blip in time and made it so much more important than it was.” Nope. It won’t matter then, so it shouldn’t carry that much weight on my heart now, either.

This brings me to my point with the phrase my husband brought up jokingly, “Time heals all wounds.” He knows this is a myth of grief because he’s married to a grief recovery specialist. In truth, time only passes. It’s the action we take within time that matters. Today, I am choosing to take a different action – of letting go of the suffering. It is not serving me. And, it certainly does not serve you, either.

much love, victoria

Pin It on Pinterest

Share This
Skip to content