Social media can be an excellent tool to reconnect with family and friends, as well as stay connected and nurture new relationships, too. However, there is also a less favorable side to social media. We all know there is cyber-bullying that is an issue not only for teens but also for adults. But, have you ever considered the harmful things people say to others who are grieving – maybe things you have spoken to others grieving?
I believe people are well-intentioned. However, even well-intentioned people can do some emotional damage to an already hurting heart. In fact, 85% of the things people say to the widowed, for example, are not helpful. Furthermore, there can be remarks made in response to someone sharing about their grief online that tell the person how they should be over their grief [by now], how they should be presently handling it, or maybe even go as far as to tell the person to stop sharing their emotional pain online. I am going to call this for what it is – grief shaming. Instead of body shaming people, grievers become victims of grief shaming: the critical, analytical, and judgmental responses to sharing their emotional pain.
This term came to me during a conversation with my mentor in grief recovery. I had not heard this term before and, in the process of writing this blog post, I googled it and alas, I can’t say it’s not an original idea. I read several blog posts by grievers who have felt grief-shamed themselves. This topic is not something new that I haven’t already blogged about, but I think it’s essential to bring to light the emotional damage unhelpful comments can do. It ultimately boils down to the fact that society has no idea what to do or say in response to grief.
When John James started The Grief Recovery Institute, he chose the name “Grief Recovery,” despite being told by many, that people will not want to talk about grief. And that is why he chose the phrase “Grief Recovery.” The narrative around grief needed to change then (in the late ’70s), and it still needs to change – unfortunately.
What I find with grief recovery, is when you begin to give yourself compassion (and recovery), it opens your heart up more fully to the pain of others. Grief recovery isn’t only about healing; it’s an education, too. And, I think we all would agree that we all could use more knowledge when it comes to grief.
Unhelpful Things Said to Grievers
Back to grief shaming, which, to me, is the feeling the griever has after sharing their emotional pain, and others share remarks that are criticizing, judging, and analyzing of what the griever shared.
I’ve said it before, but grief involves healing a broken heart, not a broken brain. The more often people attempt to fix widows and widowers, for example (or any griever), with intellectual comments and advice – the more isolated they feel. They might even start to think something is wrong with them because they are still grieving.
Here are 11 things not to say to a widow or widower:
- Be grateful for the time you were married.
- You’re still young. You can always remarry.
- You must stay strong for your children.
- Don’t feel bad, your husband is no longer in pain (if he died of an illness).
- Your wife wouldn’t want you to be sad. She’d want you to celebrate her life.
- Everything happens for a reason.
- This might be a good time for you to get a new pet or take up a new hobby.
- Make sure you donate all your husbands’ stuff to charity. You don’t need any reminders of him.
- Make sure you don’t throw away any of your wife’s stuff. You will regret it.
- It just takes time.
- I know what you’re going through (then start talking about your own loss).
Online (or in person) remarks like these are not helpful because, although they may be intellectually valid, they’re not addressing the feelings of the heart. Therefore, they’re doing more damage than good. The griever may be left feeling shame or embarrassment for sharing in the first place when all they are trying to do is process what they’re feeling.
I’ll say this until I’m blue in the face: we don’t know what to do with our feelings when it comes to grief. Expressing them, in the only way we know or are familiar with, is what we resort to instead. And when a griever hears judgment, analyzation, or criticism, they end up grieving in isolation. So tell me, is it any wonder our obesity rate is what it is? That alcohol/drug addiction is an epidemic? The debt individuals accrue also continually increased over time. Of course, this is due to many reasons, however, on average in 2019, people are spending just as much of their income on paying down current debt as they are on accruing new debt for clothes and trips, according to a Nationwide study. Essentially, Americans are paying billions, overall, in interest and are continually in debt. In grief recovery, these modes of distraction (food, alcohol, drugs, shopping, workaholism, gambling, etc.) in our lives are called STERBS (short-term energy relieving behaviors), and I could do a whole post on this topic as well. But, I digress; back to grief shaming yet again.
Helpful things to say to a widow or widower instead:
1. What happened?
- Ask what happened then listen to their reply. The most loving thing you can do for widows and widowers, who want and need to be listened to is do just that without judgment, comparison, or trying to fix them.
2. I don’t know what to say.
- It’s okay, to tell the truth, if you don’t know what to say. Your honesty allows the widowed to know you are a safe person to talk to because they’ll know you aren’t trying to fix them.
3. I can’t imagine how you feel.
- No two relationships are the same because they are comprised of two different people. So even if you’ve had a spouse die, you could never know exactly how another widow or widower feels. At best, only you know how you felt when your loss occurred. Comparing losses is never helpful when offering advice or suggestions.
4. It breaks my heart to hear of your loss.
- Following up with a fond memory of the person who died expresses how their loved one touched your life.
5. An emoji of a sad face or tears.
- An emoji expressing your feelings is a far more positive response to their pain rather than telling them they shouldn’t feel bad.
Regardless of the griever or the type of loss they’ve endured, the most helpful things you could say are likely not what your impulse tells you to say. So, I caution you when replying to a griever sharing online (or in person). Instead, dig into your heart, not your head, and approach the situation as if you’re holding the griever’s heart in your hands. Utilize the suggestions above and change them up to reflect their loss. It may be even helpful, too, to imagine them as a child. Because often, adults say things to other adults that they would never say to a child. And you know what, aren’t we all holding our inner-child in our hearts? We carry all of our losses with us from childhood into adulthood. Therefore, we are all grievers. It’s just some are willing to admit it – to others, when the most compassionate thing they could do, for themselves, is to admit it – to themselves.
Another Thing to Keep in Mind
While you may have found great assistance in your faith, at times of personal loss, do not assume this is the best way to assist others. Grievers, especially those dealing with an emotional loss caused by death, might still find themselves in emotional pain while still being secure in their relationship to their faith. They may even have conflicting feelings when it comes to their faith as well, primarily if religion/faith was used against them in past loss experience. Their relationship to their emotions and their faith are two different things! Many Christians often forget that the shortest sentence in the Bible is, “Jesus wept.” It’s only reasonable that mere mortals might cry as well, even if their beliefs are strong.
More on faith – it is my opinion that the Bible does not tell us the how in recovering from grief. Our faith can undoubtedly help us through the darkest of days, but when thoughts of your loved one come to mind, and fond memories turn painful, recovery has not occurred, my friend. You may have convinced yourself you are, however, when another significant emotional loss occurs later and stacks on top of the ones before it, you will be taken back to that old, familiar pain you experienced before. The past hurt and pain will rise again to the surface. Revisit the section above where I talk about STERBS. Our minds concoct all kinds of ways to distract ourselves from our hearts. I’ve only begun to scratch the surface of the topic, too, and could do an entire post on this alone (which I eventually will).
A Final Note
As you’ve been reading this, you may believe you’ve been doing just fine with your grief. But something in my writing is perhaps needling at you, pressing a button on your heart that makes you squirm in your seat. Perhaps you even want to email me and tell me I’ve got it all wrong. I get that. What we resist persists, fellow hurting heart. I know you because I was you – and still am you in some ways because recovery is an ongoing process.
I am a work-in-progress. You are a work-in-progress. Healing is a work-in-progress, too. However, recovery is only in-progress once we can admit to ourselves that we need it. Tell the truth about yourself – to yourself. Start there. And when you’re ready, you know where to find me.
P.S. Do you want to be better equipped to help others in their grief? Click HERE to receive 61 Tips in doing so in The Guide for Loss. It’s FREE! You’ll also receive a love note from me every Wednesday – and it’s more often than not, content not shared anywhere else. 😉
P.P.S. Note: Portions of this post are adapted from The Grief Recovery Method blog.