infertility and child abuse

I had an entirely different post planned for today (which has happened before). Coincidentally, the blog post I had planned was about tips for grieving children (that will now be shared next week).

One of my previous grief recovery group participants tagged me in a post on Facebook after I had started the other post, and I knew I needed to write about what she shared. In searching for the perfect image for this post, I discovered that not only this week is National Infertility Awareness Week, April is also National Child Abuse Prevention Month. How did I not know about these?

So, there I went, down a rabbit hole of attempting to find a Google calendar I could import into my calendar for days like these so, I didn’t miss special days/weeks/months like these again. Surprisingly, National Infertility Awareness Week (this week) isn’t mentioned! I did find that National Child Abuse Prevention Month listed on a few but not all. What the heck? I did not see National Infertility Week mentioned on a calendar anywhere, except when I went to find an image for it. Boggles my mind!

Anyway, I digress; onto today’s post.

national infertility awareness

My heart is heavy today; I’m not gonna lie. I’ve had days like this early on, with Covid-19, where I felt this wave of grief just hit me. Today is one of those days. I’m thinking about the woman who tagged me on her post. I’m thinking about how blessed I am that I don’t know what it’s like to struggle to bring a life into this world—blessed not to know the anguish of losing a life that I’ve carried. I should be blessed and grateful, and I am – and I am sorry, so so sorry to those who don’t feel like there is enough gratitude about this in the word. So, I feel like the least I can do is use this platform to bring awareness to infertility and the grief it brings, in a way I know about grief.

Infertility as a Grieving Experience

Infertility is one of those grief experiences that lurks in the dark corners of a desire-to-be mother’s heart (and of her partner as well – we can’t forget them, too). It’s often unheard or talked about openly. And, even in close circles, I imagine, it can feel like, once shared (if at all), it’s business as usual for the world all around. Every loss is different; however, to not know the heartbeat of another inside your womb, to not have the opportunity to experience the first kick, or to have these moments where you feel a connection unlike any other – only for that little life to be taken away. The thought of it breaks my heart.

National Infertility Awareness Week this week is a reminder for us all that womanhood can feel like one of the greatest blessings, and yet, a curse. If you are struggling with infertility or experienced the loss of the most precious gift a woman can receive (in my opinion), I hope you have support. I hope you have a heart with ears in your life, someone who will sit with you in your sadness, perhaps even share in it, too. Because I do believe this is one of those losses that women do shy themselves away from talking about, unfortunately.

The calendar maker-people of the world don’t think to mention it. 🙁

Grief is the loss of hopes, dreams, and expectations.

Grief is: anything we wish would have been different, better, or more.

It is safe to say that infertility (and miscarriage) fully encompass the definition of grief.

child abuse prevention month

Then, there are the precious children who come into this world full of innocence, only for some of them to be on the receiving end of someone else’s hurt. Hurt people hurt people. And, sometimes it’s the little people – whose voices are silenced, and where intimidation is used as a manipulation tactic for control, who end up hurt.

Isn’t it fitting? This month is child abuse prevention month, and it falls during a pandemic, where there’s already enough chaos to go around the world tenfold. Bring all of that chaos into a home that has already been experiencing struggle, hardship, abuse, addiction, etc…and the most vulnerable are the ones who suffer.

Grieving Children Become Grieving Adults

The grief we adults carry (and have carried for who knows how long), is amplified right now. It’s like the grief of the world is in a pressure cooker. Those of us with children, we owe it to our children (and their future) to get our emotional poop in a group. We all learned about cause and effect as kids. This principle applies to our actions and emotions, too. The cost of not facing our emotional dis-ease, is not only costing us our health but also negatively impacting the health and well-being of this world’s future.

Grief is not a disease. It is not a mental illness that needs to be “fixed.” Grief is a normal and natural response to changes in familiar patterns of behavior. And, it is possible to recover from what is emotionally incomplete. “Recovery” doesn’t mean you will forget or that you’ll no longer feel sad. Recovery is completion, allowing you to move forward in your life without being tied to the emotional pain that exists at the end of the relationship or within a grief-causing experience. You may feel that if you lose the pain, then what’s left, right? What happens when the story that I keep telling (that’s looping on repeat in my mind) goes away? That’s the fear of completion, and it is a valid fear. However, how about the fear of never feeling a connection to the person in their entirety again? Instead, only thinking about the person and feel pain? How about the fear of forever being stuck in the past? What if you never allow yourself to live fully in the present? Which fear holds more weight in your heart?

When you grow up with grief, as children of abuse do, and do not have the support a grieving child needs, you become an adult who’s never learned to grieve healthily. And, whatever you’ve learned about grief, you pass on to your children – and so, this cyclic pattern of learned behavior continues for generations and generations.

The Helping Children with Loss program is near and dear to my heart. And today, I think about all of the children who are victims of abuse, and it makes me incredibly sad – but also more determined in this work.

Breaking this cycle of not knowing how to talk about grief and address it starts with you – in your home and your heart.

I dedicate this post to the women who grieve for a child and, for the children grieving who feel unwanted. We need to stop looking away from grief and talk about it like we talk about the weather.

Grief is our world’s pandemic. And we need to stop looking away – from the pain within and around us.

much love, victoria

P.S. Are you interested in completing what is emotionally incomplete for you? Are you interested in learning new tools, education, and receive grief support that moves you forward in an action-based way? Seven weeks to emotional freedom from the past that binds you is possible. Click HERE if you’re interested in being the first to know about a new service available in May 2020. 

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