Takeaways & Reflections | Grief Shared is Grief Diminished
SHOW NOTES SUMMARY:
This week, I share a bit of my heavy heart as I share my reflections around sharing our grieving voices – including my own.
This podcast has enabled me to be a heart for ears for many guests, including Emma G. and Anne. However, this week’s episode is also inspired by my grief in real-time.
Since 11/14, life has been day-to-day, not knowing what the future will hold for our son. As of this episode going live, he is in the hospital (for the second time after initially being admitted) with an infection after having a traumatic blunt force injury to his abdomen while bench-pressing. He’s fortunate. And, if he’s even luckier, he won’t need surgery; however, that would take a miracle. His pancreas is sliced with a little more than 30% good pancreas left. He has a stent in place to ensure the good side of his pancreas is draining. He also has a drainage port in the middle of his abdomen to drain the pancreatic juices excreted from the sliced-off portion of his pancreas. Right now, we are in a wait-and-see phase, with surgery likely down the road.
When life decides to…well, life – so much of our routines and day-to-day lives are upended. Grief is the end of or a change in a familiar pattern of behavior. Because of this, we experience grief as a result.
Think about all of the changes to our behaviors and activities Covid-19 has brought. Changes outside of our lives that contribute to our day, still are changes. Add in a family unit crisis or health struggle, and all of those little creature comforts that are changed add to the grief one may feel due to heavier life issues. And not to mention the fear that rears its ugly head.
No matter what you’re going through today, I hope you have a heart with ears. May we share our grief with one another so the load becomes lighter because grief shared is grief diminished.
RESOURCES:
Thank you for tuning in to grieving voices. I’m your host Victoria Volk. And this is the takeaways and reflections on episode 73 with Emma G Rose, his name is Nikki, and episode 74 with Ann Jacobs, a follow up to a previous recording that we did several months back just to see how she’s doing and checking in and I will continue to do those episodes within as long as I have this podcast. And as long as she’s willing to share her story of in her progress of where she’s at.
Talk About Your Grief
So today, this is going to be a very quick episode. Because as I’m recording this, my son is in the hospital with a very serious injury. And the next three weeks will determine if he requires surgery or not. And it’s a very risky surgery because it’s his pancreas. He had had a weightlifting accident 185-pound weight bench bar came down on his abdomen, and which compressed his pancreas into his spine. And his spine severed his pancreas in half. So, it’s a very serious injury. He’s doing well right now he’s got a dream put in. And we’re hoping that with that, the inflammation and fluid that’s draining and everything else combined, that he will, you know that inflammation, everything going down that it will hopefully begin to heal itself. That is the miracle that we need. Because surgery is very risky. And it also opens up a lot of other possible complications. So, if we don’t have to cut open his abdomen, that would be ideal. The thought that came to my mind when I was, I mean this was quickly I’m recording this before I get back on the road, actually to go back to the hospital where he’s at, which is about three and a half hours away came home to spend a little time with our daughters and take care of some things here. But I just thought I needed to record something real quick, obviously, because I needed an episode for next week.
But the message I want to share today is grief shared as grief diminished. And I had a tsunami of grief hit me yesterday. And this is grief I’ve never experienced and it’s so difficult when it’s your child going through something that you feel so helpless. And I commend all those parents out there who endure this feeling for weeks or months or even maybe even years on end. This is a very different kind of grief. Grief. I never, I can’t even when I describe his incident, I can’t even believe I’m describing what happened. It’s so rare. It’s just so rare. And I joke with a friend of mine, how I just seem to be a magnet for odd duck things. And I’ve said this for a couple years, just odd duck situations. And this really this one takes the cake, this is really an odd duck situation. And but the miracle is that he will heal. And in my message grief shared his grief diminished is really the whole idea behind this podcast because I bring people on my show who really just want to share their story, who want to be heard, and their feelings validated. And to know that there is an army of people who understand grief and are really just looking for a heart with ears. And I’ve been that for many people and its what lights me up. So maybe you’re my heart with ears today.
Fear of Losing Someone
It was my honor to be Emma’s heart with ears, as she shared her story of her cousin Nikki who took his own life and the impact that he had on her life and continues too. And I think we don’t really recognize the impact that people really have in our lives until something tragic happens until we’re faced with life without that person, the “what could have been”, which is I agonized over that for a couple days, because had that bar landed anywhere else it could have killed him. Instantly his heart, if it would have landed on his chest, his throat, I mean, but that’s agonizing. That’s torturing yourself. And so, I’ve quickly redirected those thoughts because he is here. And he is still got a sense of humor at times and sarcastic, and reminding me that I can be overbearing, and in making sure that he’s comfortable, not been shy about telling us he needs a space. I can’t imagine what he feels he’s been through something very traumatic. And it’s hard. It’s really hard. It’s hard to love and feel helpless, and it’s hard to love when you lose someone, I guess what comes to mind for Emma, what she shared and what many of others have shared is that it just that whole idea about loss itself is that we are taught how to acquire things, but we’re not taught what to do when we lose them. And yesterday, when this tsunami of grief hit me, for anyone today, who maybe experienced a loss of someone they love, we aren’t taught what to do when when we do, but that was what Grief Recovery is the gift of Grief Recovery for me. It is the way to address what is emotionally incomplete. I am reminded that there are many things that probably I thought that I have not shared with my son, you know, positive things, you know, and here I sit, and I have this ability to share now what’s on my heart. And so, we all do, we all have that ability to do that. I don’t know, we’re afraid of how it will be received, or or something I’m not sure but and has been a huge inspiration to me. I just can’t imagine 17 years with with cancer roaring through your body, and she is a warrior. And it’s a very beautiful episode, that one I recorded with her. I really hope you listen to the first one, listen to the follow up. She is an inspiration. Her story is one of tenacity and grace that she’s had to learn to give herself and others. We all plan our lives. And we have our planners, and we plan for the week ahead, or the month ahead, or vacation six months from now, or nine months from now, or what we want to launch next year, or in six months or whatever that timeframe is and can you imagine planning your life in quarters at a time, two to three months at a time because that’s what she has to do. She gets a PET scan, and if it’s good, she can plan for two to three months because before her next PET scan it might be different. And this walking on eggshells feeling, is holding your breath feeling of just not knowing. I’m just reminded of how I feel. I will proceed these next three weeks. And in some fashion, I’ll be holding my breath praying for a miracle and holding my breath. I wish I could dive into more on each episode. But my mental capacity isn’t quite there.
But I think the main message I wanted to share today is that grief shared as grief diminished. And like Emma shared is that when she reaches out to people, if they’re ready in our open, they’ll reach back. And I’ve had so many people reach out and I’ve been on a mission to give as much prayers to my son as possible. And so that’s why I’m recording and sharing this because I want more prayers for my son, more healing vibes for my son. And so just please imagine his pancreas just coming together as it should.
Thank you for being my heart with ears today. And reach out to someone so that maybe they reached back. And if you’re grieving, share your grief with someone because grief shared his grief diminished. If you’re listening to this, please send your positive vibes and healing to my son, his name is Xavier. Thank you for listening. Remember, when you unleash your heart, you unleash your life. Much love my friend.