Larry Indiviglia | Choice and Chance
SHOW NOTES SUMMARY:
Grief makes grievers feel like they don’t have choices. And, it can also be difficult to bring yourself to take a chance on something or someone. In this episode, I explore choice and chance with Larry.
Larry shares his stories of loss, focusing on a short-term love that touched his heart and life deeply, leaving a lasting impact. He shares the wisdom that came from that love experience with Gayle in his book, 126 Days, 11 Minutes: Our Love Story .
“I wrote this story as a tribute to Gayle’s extraordinary courage and embrace of life. I encourage all of the Gayles and Larrys out there who may be afraid to love to reconsider. Life is meant to be lived and loved in the now, not in the yesterdays or tomorrows.”
Also through this episode, he shares other lessons he’s taken from his other losses, which include a tragic car accident that killed his aunt and older sister, leaving him as the sole survivor when he was 21.
We all can feel hope for the future, knowing that every one of us has been given the gift of the ability to choose. After listening to today’s episode, reflect on the choices you’ve made that made the most impact. Perhaps there are even defining moments that changed the trajectory of your life, too?
RESOURCES/CONNECT:
Victoria Volk 00:00
Thank you for tuning in to grieving voices. Today my guest is Larry Indiviglia. He is a retired Naval Reserve Officer. He holds a master’s in corporate fitness administration and an MBA from the University of San Diego. Currently Larry is president of and sites for life Incorporated, a fitness professional presenter and author as well as a business and life coach for the Todd Durkin mastermind program. He also is the author of the book, 126 days, 11 minutes, our love story, to honor the life of Gail in their love they had for each other. And that’s what he is on to speak about today. Welcome, Larry.
Larry Indiviglia 00:44
Victoria, a pleasure to be here. And thanks for all the great things you’re doing with your programming. And I’m really excited to have a great conversation today and provide some value to your many listeners. So really looking forward to connecting you.
Victoria Volk 01:01
Thank you. So, let’s dive in. So yeah, what brings you to grieving voices.
Larry Indiviglia 01:10
Over a year ago, I met a woman, her name was Gail. She basically changed my life. And I had a relationship with her. And she transitioned four months after I met her, I know I’m throwing a lot of things out, but because of her, that’s why we’re here today. Because of her life, the powerful choices she she made and the relationship I had with her. It provided an inspiration to write about the four-month relationship I had with Gail to talk about the transition process. And it also to get me through the grieving process. The writing was kind of a catharsis, but mostly to be here today to honor a live that certainly richly deserved honoring and that really has helped me continue to move forward. And I’m still probably in a grieving period in a sense because it hasn’t even been a year yet. And that’s really what is the story behind the reason that I’m on here talking with you today.
Victoria Volk 02:17
So, tell us about Gale.
Larry Indiviglia 02:21
Gale, you know the the backstory to 126 days 11 minutes our love story is to actively aging seniors who meet online in their 60s. Yes, and their 60s. Okay, I was 64, Gail was 68, Gail had been married three times before Gail had been single. for over five and a half years I had been divorced and single for almost nine years. And maybe against all odds Victoria and for everyone listening, we were captivated by each other. And I say against a loss because she had stage four breast cancer and had been fighting it for four plus years. However, you know, we both Gail and I made the choice to live in the today. Not in the yesterday’s or the tomorrow’s and that’s how our relationship was was built. And in so doing, we discovered a lot about each other. Gail was a professional photographer for 33 years. She did nature she did animals she did. She did models, she did dance, she was an Argentine Tango dancer, she was a ballet dancer, she lived a very rich life, colorful life. She was very artistic. She’s also very mystic. she happened to be a Virgo Earth maiden. And she had a great connection with nature. Sometimes you will say art imitates life or life imitates art, she would always say nature is life. And she had a very strong connection to nature. But like many, you know, like Al Victoria is she was to it that she was diagnosed in October of 2015 with stage four breast cancer, you know whether it’s out of nowhere or whatever it is, but she got the diagnosis. And then that changed her life. She had to survive, she had to find out how to battle cancer. And she chose a lot of different ways to do that. She’s it’s traditional chemotherapy, she had a single message to me. She had radiation, a lot of treatments and then she also went into alternative methods to to keep her immune system very high. So perhaps the cancer wouldn’t spread. And so she was very active. She was a very soft, artistic, very intuitive woman. She was also steely, strong, she was determined, determined to beat her cancer, and continue to live she felt her earthly existence. was something she was not over with yet. Hale had a higher, not a nontraditional sense of who God was higher level of consciousness view. So, she felt life in the womb, life on Earth, and then a higher level of consciousness once you transition, but she wasn’t quite ready to leave Earth yet. And there was so many great things about Gail, the biggest thing, she made a very powerful choice to continue to love and live live, even with cancer, and that’s really the reason I met her. Sometimes you think about choice and chance in life, Victoria, is something by chance, was it a chance meeting online? Well, Gail and I both made the choice to go online to find love again. And and fortunately for me, I was able to connect with her. And even with some of her challenges, it didn’t matter. I was so captivated by her courage, her truth or honesty, that there was something more I had to discover about this woman and, and I did in the 126 days and 11 minutes that I knew her.
Victoria Volk 06:11
Sounds like a very fascinating woman. So, I gather that she taught you to live in the present and to love unconditionally no matter what. Is that a correct?
Larry Indiviglia 06:24
Unconditional love was was a is a word that comes up when you think about it. And Gail gave it a bigger context for me. So, we think of unconditional love, no judgments, no expectations, no conditions by which you love somebody. And Gail said to me, it was early on in the relationship, Victoria, that when I talked about it in the book, is, you know, Larry, you can’t unconditionally love somebody. If you don’t unconditionally love yourself. First powerful statement, and I do believe it. You know, through my life’s journey, I had done personal work, after my divorce, there’s a lot of things I spent time doing personal work, so that I could accept and respect myself as I was, you know, because sometimes a failed marriage, things don’t work out in life, you can really kind of beat yourself up about it. So I did some personal work, and I did accept myself and I did unconditionally love myself. And I do feel that was a big part of the reason I was really able to unconditionally love Gail as well. And one other thing too, in the unconditional love is I was diagnosed with stage one colorectal cancer. Ironically, the same month Gail was diagnosed in 2015. I did not fortunately have to go through what she went through. Not at all, I had one surgery. But the point is, I understood what a diagnosis means when you get that diagnosis, whatever stage and somebody tells you, you have cancer, okay, and then you so I had empathy enabled to relate to her on that level. But Gail was also truth. She always stood in her truth and her convictions, she never compromised those even all the way to the end to her transition. She felt if you compromised your truth of what you were about, you’re compromising your life. And that was always a bright light that she shed. You know, during her lifetime here on Earth, everything she touched everything she said, and everything she did, was about being truthful to herself and to other people. So that that was something truth, honesty, unconditional love was part of what she was about, and what our relationship was about.
Victoria Volk 08:51
One thing that sticks out to my mind and what you just share it as and thank you for sharing. First of all, the one thing that came to my mind was that first of all, we can’t give to others what we can’t give to ourselves, right? And also, it’s so important that we live in integrity with ourselves. And when we don’t live in integrity with ourselves, our beliefs, or our convictions or what we need or, you know, our desires in life. I think that I mean, that’s grief, we experienced grief as a result. And that trickles into every area of our life, or employment or relationships with our children or our spouse, other people, how we relate to others. How we show up in the world, really. So, it seems to me that I mean because I totally get and understand why you two would have been drawn to each other you to her because if you had done that personal development work, I think we kind of draw them to us, what we need in the right time.
Larry Indiviglia 10:00
Yeah, you do. You know, its interesting being being a life coach and business coach for fitness professionals for about 13 years now, Victoria, you hit on something very important. Maybe it gets back to choice. I had mentioned Gail made a powerful choice to seek love again, even though she had the cancer and a single mastectomy and things in her particular physical arena weren’t like they used to be she was an absolutely beautiful woman. Cancer had taken some of that off. I mean, she had been through a lot. But I think when it comes down to integrity is, you know, when you look at each year, and my coaching work, we’d like to theme a year, what’s your theme for the new year? Is it happiness? Or is it discipline, whatever it happens to be. And my theme, and my, maybe it’s in my subconscious. When I met Gail, it wasn’t conscious, I will say this, looking back on it. My theme for 2020 and I met Gail on January 2020. So, a little over a year ago, was do something significant. Okay, that can mean a lot of things that was giving me a wide berth, okay, do something significant in 2020. If somebody said, Larry, your significant do or action would be to meet somebody who’s battling stage four cancer, in this case, a woman to love her have a relationship with her, she would transition four months later, and then you would write a book about the experience, I would have said, I don’t think so. However, now I have time, I’ve had some time Victorian, and it didn’t dawn on me till about november of December, at the end of 2020. When I look back on my notes for what the year was about, and for all of us with COVID, it was a crazy year, I look back at my theme. And you know what? This was significant. Okay, and I didn’t do it consciously. You’re to your point, when you put something in, and it gets into your subconscious, you attract someone or some thing that that will, perhaps make that intention come true. The universe brings you together. And I believe that, and I believe gal on her side, said, I am a woman, I am not waiting, I have been battling this cancer. I am who I am, I can find somebody I can love again, I am not going to stop trying. I’m doing it. And she attracted somebody, it turned out to be her last stage of life, we did not know that. I don’t think she knew that. I think she felt she was still going to beat it. However, the universe brings you together. And it comes down to choice and intentional. And again, standing in your integrity to I think is all part of that.
Victoria Volk 13:13
Can you speak a little bit to because when you you talk about transitioning, and I think especially in our society that’s kind of has this death aversion? You don’t think about or talk about death as a transition, especially, well and more so with terminal illness, but can you speak to that a little bit more? Like what she wanted that to be? And what, you know, the tension that she put into that?
Larry Indiviglia 13:43
yes, I will. And there’s a couple of things. And it’s a very insightful question, Victoria, because I do think it is important to your listeners to all of us. It doesn’t have to be cancer, it could be another type of disease, or it could be you’re, you’re forced into a transition stage of your life for something that’s uncontrollable, but the fact is, you’re facing it. So, what does one do? Gail had more time to think about it. Once her cancer came back it metastasized to her brain. And advanced breast cancer can do that it goes to the bones, the lung, and a lot of times the brain in any case, um, she did not want to die in excruciating pain. I don’t think any of us do. Okay. And she was looking for a place once we had to take her back into the hospital, there was no more she could they could do for her. There was no more operations. There was no more chemo, there was no more radiation. Okay. So, then you have to decide where are you going to transition some people will use the word die. I mean, look, Gail use transition. So, she had to find a place that was going to work for her so she had a chemo port, where you would put in the chemo drugs in her chest, they open vein. And she wanted to be able to get palliative really pain medication. Okay, in the port. That’s not done everywhere. That’s not done in a home setting, by the way, it can be. But a lot of hospices situations at home, they don’t inject into that port, they’ll give you through the mouth or whatever. And with COVID, there was a lot of potential maybe limitations as to what the care would be in a residential home. Gail felt she would be better if possible to be in an inpatient hospice. I talked about it in the book, how that all came about, okay, and she was adamant that that’s what she needed. And fortunately, we were able to get her into a four bed hospice home, here in San Diego, run by sharp hospice homes Foundation, Parkview hospice outstanding place. And so she didn’t die and transition in physical pain. However, during the time, they gave her two weeks to live after the final diagnosis, Gail lived an additional 44 days in hospice. And she had to find peace before she felt she could transition to a higher level of consciousness and finding peace, mental peace, emotional peace, you could be physically cared for. And she was. And I remember I asked her one day, maybe it was day 12 or 13 of her stay. And I did visit her every day through through the COVID. Fortunately, I didn’t get sick. Um, and she and I said, Gail, you know, how can I help you find peace or provide you peace? And she says, Larry, Larry, you can’t, I have to do that on my own. And because the COVID spiritual counselors couldn’t come in, and she didn’t want to talk to him on the phone. So, she was trying to find her peace through those 44 days before she transitioned finally. And, and I believe that the care she was given, I did what I could do, and I share that in the book I share every day in the book during that transition period, Victoria 126 days, 11 minutes, 126 days, there was nine weeks of joy, and fun and frolic before her cancer came back then there’s 63 days where it wasn’t good, it was deeper. But during those days, I do share things I did bringing in music into her room, she had a garden view, things that she was still able to touch real life until she couldn’t see any more talk anymore because of the brain cancer. But it was a process for her. She had tears she did not want to transition yet she did. But at some point, she went through, and she found peace. Day 114 I shared in the book, very, very close friend of mine told me Larry, find your own peace about the situation first. So then when you go and visit gal, you will be peaceful, that will help her find her peace more readily. And that was an interesting comment. And it was a comment by a guy Colonel Hank Donegan, who had been a 30-year Marine, he saw a lot of a lot of depth over his career. And he said you have to find your own peace in the midst of adversity and chaos, or in this case, Gale dying. So those are some of the things I could speak to about transitioning and, and I do believe, if you’re not in gruesome, horrible physical pain, you might be able to process that on deeper levels.
Victoria Volk 18:59
Have you seen the Netflix docu series, surviving death?
Larry Indiviglia 19:05
No, I have not.
Victoria Volk 19:06
There is an episode, it’s a six-part series, but there is an episode on end-of-life experiences. And it’s based on the research of Dr. Chris Kerr from Buffalo hospice and I recently interviewed him on my podcast and he talked about these end of life experiences and he has a book called Death is but a dream which is coming out with another he’s coming out with that’s actually going to be out another docu series but by that name in April, but I’m I’m just curious if she ever spoke to you about any end of life experiences any visions or dreams that she was having of, you know, loved ones that maybe were coming to her?
Larry Indiviglia 19:57
A great question. She did not, her elderly mother was able to visit her. Although she couldn’t visit her too often because of COVID. Her younger brother was able to visit her. Not too often because of COVID. You know, there was some restrictions, but they did get a chance to, to visit her. She did have a younger brother who died tragically at age 15. And her dad had already passed away So, but she didn’t answer your question directly. She didn’t. She didn’t share with me any end of life and like, hey, I could picture this in my life. Now she did. She did talk to me, before hospice, about dreams she had, who were in the dreams, sometimes former lovers, she was dancing she had, she had contributed gave me poems which I share a few of them in the book. So, they was just processed when she was living. She was experiencing a lot of things. She also had a medical intuitive Victoria, who she would consult with about her care programs, and her overall well being and things. And she was also very, into astrology. And she had a mystical side to her. So, but in hospice to answer the question directly here, in context, she didn’t share that she was seeing something, although she talked to me, Hey, this is my get married again. for the fourth time to you, this is what I think it’ll look like and where it’ll be. She would ask me questions, but she hadn’t gone to the other side yet. And she wasn’t giving me any coming attractions. sounds horrible there. But you know what I’m saying about what she was saying. She She would being an Argentine Tango dancer, she often talked about a dream where she would be dancing with somebody but couldn’t see his face. It was a faceless dancer. And would that face with that? After her transition? Would that person, man become a face? I don’t know. But she would say that a lot of times.
Victoria Volk 22:23
I just, I was, it’s my own curiosity. Since I yeah,
Larry Indiviglia 22:27
Valid question. You know, and she could have been having those dreams? In fairness. What let’s just back up one, because I think it’s a great question. You know, Gail, I think it was about 12 days, she couldn’t talk because the cancer of the brain after a while you lose your ability to speak. And then her sight went. So, if she did, if she was dreaming, let’s say those last 10 days, she couldn’t tell me. She couldn’t tell me. So perhaps and I don’t know that I’ll have to read this book here and also educate myself a little bit, if that’s what happens sometimes with people is if she had that she couldn’t share it been taught.
Victoria Volk 23:10
Yeah, but actually, to your point, when you said about dreams prior. People can have dreams up to six months before and visions and things, so you know, everybody’s different. But it’s like, the way you described during you said the word metaphysical. And that’s really what came to my mind when you were first describing her as someone like that, who would probably be very open to the messages that would be coming to her. As she’s, as her body is slowly starting to depart, you know, so
Larry Indiviglia 23:43
yeah, she had her looked at in the process at some point, maybe after about a week, she was crying a lot because I think the reality was, she knew where she was, you know, this was her last stop here on earth. And that’s an overwhelm, you know, you have overwhelming feelings at times. And, and, you know, so she did shed tears in that process. Some days, more than others. I speak about him in the book and context. I felt what I shared in the book each day has a theme, the highlight, or the meaning of that day, which was most meaningful, that was most appropriate in context of what Gail was going through. So yeah.
Victoria Volk 24:41
Can you share a little bit too about the experience because it was during 2020 and was during COVID. What impact did that have on? I mean, you kind of spoke to it a little bit about her care and things but I mean, were you able to have a celebration of life?
Larry Indiviglia 25:01
Yeah, you know, it’s interesting January, I remember the weekend specifically I shared in the book, we went to a resort here in San Diego. And when we were having breakfast, this was, I think, like March 1, the very end of February. I’d met Gail in January. So, this was the end of February, I had known her for about eight weeks. And we noticed a couple, two different couples walking on the street with masks on. And Gail looked at me, she goes, what is this? What is this about? I said, oh, that virus having you heard this COVID virus, and supposedly, it spread, you know, through through coughing and sneezing and things. And I said, a mask could help prevent that. Because boy, we’re vibing I just, I haven’t really dialed into that, Larry. But I remember that there was March 1, of course, two and a half weeks later. So, two weeks later, we shut down, that’s when the whole country shut down. So, January and February, we lived as normal as we possibly could, you know, going out doing things and, and etc. And then when Gail got sick again, and the cancer started coming back, it took about 10 days before we realize the whole process and got her back into the hospital, then COVID was very restrictive, because of visitation, what you had to do to get in there. And that was in the regular hospital. And then also in hospice. I was I was actually lucky because if she was in a nursing home or something, whatever a larger facility, they were shut down, they weren’t letting anybody. So, I had to go through, take my temperature, disinfectant, the whole thing. And you know, and the interesting thing about it, the spiritual counselors were not able to be on site, it was only a four-bed hospice. When Gail was there, her joining roommates if I can say roommates, or fellow people who had transitioning per six weeks day, or 44 days day, there’s probably about 30 people who transitioned because, you know, everybody’s in different stage of at the end. And, but COVID, I had to just go to her room, I couldn’t go to the common area, I couldn’t talk any other family members. Um, so it was like you had to be present in the room. So COVID I’m not saying if COVID wasn’t there, I would have been out in the living room, not in Gail’s room trying to connect with her. But when I was there, Victoria, I was there, I had to be in her room other than using the restroom. That was it, that’s the only place you can be. So COVID um, there was limits on on visitation, there was limits on calling people coming down. And, you know, Gail started, she couldn’t hear. So, there was a lot of things in that room, where was just myself and Gail, and COVID. Her family members I mentioned earlier, couldn’t visit her as much because of some of the restrictions. And her mother was very older and, and you know, so it got to the point where COVID actually helped me be present with gal, and maybe to notice things and do things. And I submit perhaps I wouldn’t have done because I had to be there. I had to be present with her. And then Okay, she’s transitioning. So, what are the important things to do? So anyway, in the COVID picture, I think that also was the reason Gail chose to try to get into that inpatient hospice because she didn’t want to die at my place. And she didn’t want to die at her mother’s home. And that was the reason that I don’t want to say we ended up but that we chose and were able to get accepted to that hospice home. So COVID really had, you know, those types of impacts pro and con, I should say.
Victoria Volk 29:13
So, you have yet to have the celebration of life like you haven’t gotten to do that?
Larry Indiviglia 29:17
Celebration of life happened in November. So, she wanted a very small one. She gave me a list of only about a dozen people. And I honored that and her. She was cremated and her ashes were spread on a nature trail here in San Diego, and one of her professional colleagues who she knew through her photography business for many years. She wanted part of her ashes spread on a beach in Malibu Malibu where she did so many photo shoots. So, he did that. I gave him some of the assets, so he did that. And then we had celebration of life. And everybody got a pile of ashes. And here in San Diego, one of her favorite spots. So that was her wishes. We did it in november november 1. Actually, we did it on do de los Muertos, as it turns out, is that spiritual day of that the Mexican culture celebrates the people who’ve passed and already died, the souls who have risen, so to speak. So, we did do that. And it I waited a little bit longer because the COVID risen, and to get that, to get that that kind of completed, that was something that had to be done. So, I honored her wishes.
Victoria Volk 30:44
Well, and what a blessing that you became in her life. Because, you know, had you not taken and made that choice right to go online dating and had you not met her, you know, her mother wouldn’t have been able to help her and be there for her in a way that she probably would have wanted to. And way Gail would have wanted her to be because of her older age and COVID. And, you know.
Larry Indiviglia 31:12
Yeah, Victoria, you make a nice point here. There’s nothing heroic I did, what I did was, I had some empathy. And I learned more from Gail about life and love that I think she learned from me. But her life made a difference. And all of us want to be able to transition. I don’t know if I want to say on my own terms, but with some dignity and with some control. And I felt I was able to help her do that. Okay. And she was able to go on, at least to terms that she had control over. And, you know, she had told me stories. When I sat down with her, I had a great conversation on the phone with her, she was very honest. She said, Larry, here’s the deal, I have stage four cancer, I have a single mastectomy. If any of this stuff is gonna freak you out. I’m just telling you now. And I was so kept, I was so captivated by her honesty, I definitely wanted to meet her. So, we met the next night. You know, when I met her, she had told me, she said, you know, Larry, a couple dates I’ve been on, you know, some guys have gotten up and said, you know, this isn’t for me, and, you know, with $50 on the table, and I’ll see you. And that’s probably the extreme. But I, society now easier to get up and leave? Well, there’s not anything in this for me. I wasn’t looking for this, in this dating relationship. However, it’s riskier not to risk. Because the life experiences that you miss out on can be profound. And I did not miss this one, Victoria, because it’s like, what’s life about experiences that we have and want to have, some are controllable, some are not. Those experiences encourage us and sometimes make us grow. And because of that growth, we can then contribute more to others. So, I look at my relationship with Gail. It was a loving, profound experience, mentally, physically, emotionally and spiritually. It forced me to grow as a man in a lot of ways. And then now and it’s not just because of a book, but because of the experience and the growth I had, I was able to write something and realize that there were profound lessons here from this beautiful woman. And I believe so profound that I would like to share those with others, so that the gales and Larry’s out there, Victoria afraid to love because of somebody struggling. It doesn’t have to be cancer. It doesn’t have to be life and death. You may want to take that chance. Because you can experience Mutt a profound love experience that you would never have before I had somebody reach out to me. She was dating for three months. She came down with stage four lymphoma. Her boyfriend at the time visited her in the hospital. And she said you’re off the hook. You don’t have to go through me with this. Don’t you know we’ve only known each other three months? Well, he doubled down he asked her to merrier while she was enough, and they’re still married today. So, some of these things in life. If you go against the conventional societal norms, you may find something real special that you never would have experienced before.
Victoria Volk 35:04
I just got chill bumps because I absolutely agree. One single yes can change the trajectory of our entire lives. Right?
Larry Indiviglia 35:12
Yeah, you know, Victoria I, I don’t normally get too emotional on these things. But, you know, Gail’s life made a difference. And I saw the courage when I sat down with her that dinner. And you know, she had kind of like puffy eyes from some chemo. And it but she didn’t try to hide anything. You know, it was who she was. And, and, you know, I, you know, of course, you know, sometimes the male ego takes over, I sat down there at that dinner, and I shared in the book, I remember she looked at me, she goes, Oh, God, you’re so much more handsome than the pictures online. You know, it’s funny, but it was sincere. You know, I think it was, but but it was I was very, very, there was just, I was captivated. That’s the best word and really wanted to discover more about her. And, and, you know, the reason we’re sitting here today talking about her is is because the courage she showed and, and like I said, I think there’s a lot of gals out there that have to have second thoughts about putting themselves out there again, as difficult as it can be. It’s never too late to fall in love. And, you know, I believe that there’s somebody out there for all of us, right? That’s right.
Victoria Volk 36:35
I have the belief to that really challenging times, brings out the compassion within ourselves, but also helps us kind of disarm that as false. Basically, we don’t have to lie. Like you don’t have to. No one likes to be lied to first of all, but to just be honest, and tell the truth about how you’re feeling. I think that that becomes easier when you’re faced with something like Gail did, or, you know, like the terminal because she had had it and then it came back, correct? Like she thought it was gone.
Larry Indiviglia 37:10
Yeah, it was, they had it at big. They had her cancer at bay, you know, she had been through the real rough part of it, where she had to get the discectomy and it moved to her lungs. chemo, was able to get most of it out. But then it moved to her neck, and then she had to have neck surgery. And then after neck surgery, she had a good time without it, but then it moved her her brain initially. So, she had radiation for the brain. And that went into remission. So, she, you know, she was always trying to keep ahead of the game as it moved within her body. But at some point, they were able to arrest it. And also, to her credit, she was on a very strict nutrition plan, a totally clean, a very strong supplementation plan, exercise, plenty of sleep, Ph water. I mean, she did everything and research so many things. And she felt if she can get a holistic healer to work in conjunction a little bit closer with a traditional met what messed up Western medical physician that she thought she could beat it, but it was so hard to find there’s a lot of dead ends because of insurance and things. But yeah, yeah, absolutely.
Victoria Volk 38:29
So, you spoke a lot about shared different ways that you know what Gail taught you and what that experience taught you. But also, to that wasn’t your first grief experience. You mentioned divorce and had you had any grieving experiences prior to that?
Larry Indiviglia 38:48
I did. And you know, maybe one loss or the previous losses prepare you in life for the next now. I don’t want to be maudlin here or pessimistic or fatalistic where, hey, something traumatic happens. And that means it’s going to be a series of them throughout your life. If any of us haven’t experienced any loss through trauma, accident, death, cancer, whatever it is awesome. Okay. Many of us have though, okay. And I think most of us have on some level, specifically with cancer, too. You know, at a very young age, very young. I was driving a car I was 21 years old. In fact, it was the day after I graduated the Naval Academy. I was taking my older sister who was 28 at the time, I was 21. And my aunt, my father’s sister to the airport. We didn’t make it. They died. I didn’t. Okay, so at 21 years old, that’s that’s a big loss. Okay. And that one, you know, I had to do some personal work. ralphing there’s some things I had to process through the years about that. And, and get through that, so that you can move forward in your life, especially at 21. I was so young, but I did get through it. And that was 44 years ago, okay. And my faith, I happen to be Christian, I have faith that Okay, that was part of life’s plan. And that’s it, and you just have to be able to move forward. So, I found that that loss was a big one. And sadly, years later, not to put a list of losses here, my brother took his own life when he was 53 years old. And that was a big loss that was that was, that was a heavy burden, when when Joe took his own life, and each law I find, will give you the opportunity to respond and perhaps do something you would not have done. And you might not even think about it. It might give you the courage to move forward, do things in a different way, go to graduate school, get married, do some travel, do some philanthropy, whatever the case may be it it and my journey, it has provided me the array and because of the loss of the circumstances around it, to do something I would not have done would I have written 126 is 11 minutes as a fictional story. Probably not Victoria, probably not. Although somebody may read it. And it’s got elements of a novel in it, but everything in it is true. So, to your point, losses in life, do make you stronger, do give you an experience with the grief experience, and all of them are different. And I find that on my journey, responding and doing something that you perhaps would not have done can be a result. And I will say a positive result is it to honor a death situation can be or it could be giving back to a community that maybe you became aware of, because you came down with a disease or whatever it happens to be that you now want to get back to, but that’s some of my thoughts on that.
Victoria Volk 42:45
Did the loss of Gail bring up any unresolved feelings of grief that you may have needed to address?
Larry Indiviglia 42:55
It was different. I don’t know if it brought up any past wounds, so to speak. But I will say this, the losses you have and then I hadn’t lost a soul mate or a lover, etc before. So, it was a different kind of loss. Then maybe the human the human nature and us, at least for me, it’s like oh boy, you know, it’s not like death follows me. That’s not it. But if you do go to the to the place, and you say, well, she was such a marvelous woman, I would have really liked to spend more time with her. And now, I don’t have that opportunity anymore. So that sadness is there. It almost becomes and in talking about it now, it almost becomes a little surreal sometimes. Victoria, when I look back on it and say, did this really happen? You know, but it hasn’t really brought back to a great extent at all. Any, any past losses to any type of that’s causing any, any pain or anything like that.
Victoria Volk 44:12
I want to, I’m curious, because did anyone say anything to you that was hurtful? Regarding, you know, it was a four-months relationship?
Larry Indiviglia 44:26
yeah.
Victoria Volk 44:27
You know, because people can be insensitive and say things that was only four-months, imagine 40 years or you know, things like that, because that does happen.
Larry Indiviglia 44:37
Yeah.
Victoria Volk 44:38
Did anyone say anything to you? Just and I asked this because I think it’s important that people understand how these things impact people and like how words in cut like a knife.
Larry Indiviglia 44:50
Oh, yeah.
Victoria Volk 44:51
So, I’m curious if anyone said anything like that was hurtful or harmful in that way?
Larry Indiviglia 44:56
No, I did have a question. Would you have done it over again. Um, if you knew how it ended, I said, well, that’s really an unfair question because, you know, we lived into today I, I didn’t know how it was going to end. You know, did did I think I was going to outlive Gail? Probably, okay? But every case is different. We don’t know. You know, I mean, odds odds would say Gail was not going to live to 80 or 85. But, you know, one never knows. And I didn’t look at it that way. Nobody has ever said, you know, what, why did you write this book? Or, you know, you only knew her for four months. And, you know, because sometimes there’s so many beautiful stories out there Victorian, I know, you see them of people’s life journeys. And now that they’re grieving, loss of a child, loss of a husband, whatever it happens to be, you know, certainly I am not the only one. And, you know, the the people typically, who have left and transitioned, those are the people that are the inspiration, not necessarily me, there’s nothing heroic about this. Was this significant? Yeah, as I shared earlier, I think it was significant. But But I haven’t, I’ve been lucky, I’ve had the people who reached out to me, during the time, I was going through this were supportive. And people afterwards that, especially after I was working on the book, and released the book, were very supportive for them, for the most part, and I hadn’t experienced any. I had one comment, I think it might have been in in once the book came out, you know, I’ve lost three immediate family members, and why should I read your book or, you know, words to that effect, but that person’s grieving? You know, it’s like, I get it, you know, and, and it’s not, it’s certainly not a comparison game here. And boy, hopefully, but I could see some people who were in depth, you would probably know better than I know could react why. Yeah.
Victoria Volk 47:13
Yeah. And that’s one of the things we talked about in grief recovery is that there’s no hierarchy hierarchy of loss. I want to kind of circle back to that question, would you do it over again, because it’s really kind of a sad, sad thing to ask, if you really think about it, like, what is this? You know, you got to think about what that person’s feeling like inside to ask that because it’s like, you can ask that about anything. Like, you don’t know how long you’re going to be married to somebody. It’s like, I don’t even know the statistic currently. But you know, for a long time, it was 50% of marriage ends in divorce. Well, would you do it over again? I mean, how many people? Yeah, you know, it’s like, would you have children? If you knew one of them was going to die? Well, of course, you would still have that. You know what I mean? So, I think yeah, I think it’s a very sad question. Ask somebody. I’m sad for that person who asked you that, put it that way. Just to circle back to what you shared about the opportunities that we miss out on. That’s what I think back to I that person asking that questions.
Larry Indiviglia 48:24
I think connections in life, they’re not, none are random, I don’t believe in they’re just random. They’re all for a purpose, some last longer. Some lasts a very long time. Others don’t last as long. And but they’re all for a reason. They’re all for a purpose. And I think certainly, we all want to live to live a vibrant, long life, you know, with a high quality of life. That doesn’t always happen as we know; we don’t live in a perfect world. And certainly, all of us are imperfect. And sometimes we’re Dell tans that we never expected we would be down. But the period of time that I spent with Gail was the time that I was supposed to be and I firmly you know, believe that. What like I said it what I had hoped it would be longer than that. Certainly, yeah. But it was there for a reason and and I think we came into each other’s lives for a very powerful reason at the stage. I was in in the state shoot. Yeah.
Victoria Volk 49:40
So, throughout your experience and even the grief that came before it, what has given you the most joy What gives you the most joy and hope for the future?
Larry Indiviglia 49:54
Well, life is beautiful. And each day that we have is is certainly a gift and you hear that many circles, but it is. And to be able to have a continued choice on how we decide to live our life. That’s what’s really great. Because we could make that choice to meet to meet somebody, again online, we can make that choice to do philanthropic work, we can make a choice to shift careers, we can make a choice to, to retire, and not do anything if we chose to do that. The ability to choose is what I think, really, is really awesome in life. And the other thing is, is a very powerful lyric, it’s in the dedication page to the book, Gale used to sing to me from the song natureboy, which was sung by Nat King Cole, I think it was in the 50s, maybe early 60s. He didn’t write it, but Nat King Cole sung it, and the one lyric from natureboy was the greatest thing you’ll ever learn, is just to love and be loved, in return. And when you think about that, very simple lyric, but really powerful. And all of us have the ability to love. But we also have the ability to receive. And you know, you have to have both Victoria, right, and we have the ability to do both, we have the ability to give, and we have the ability to receive, and to those of us, I would say a lot of your listeners, I don’t know them are giving people, you’re a giving person. It’s easy to give gifts all the time, that’s super important. But we must pause and receive back because people want to give to us. So the ability in moving forward. And in the future. What I’m hopeful and joyful about is that very lyric right there. That’s the essence of life. Because I do lead, I do believe it leads to fulfillment. And it does make life a lot more joyful. When you experience both giving and receiving love. And I did that with Gail.
Victoria Volk 52:33
I love that. We do have two hands, right? One to give and one to receive.
Larry Indiviglia 52:38
We absolutely do.
Victoria Volk 52:40
I have to read this to you because I just I wrote this down prior to us recording. Oh, sure. It was just coincidental. So, I’m going to share it. Speak, think, and act from a place of love. This is a rule of life. There’s nothing you need to fear. I actually, I wrote, it will speak, think and act from a place of love. And then I added a rule that’s a rule for life. There’s nothing you need to fear.
Larry Indiviglia 53:08
Love could come in different forms, different at different junctures of your life when you expect it, or at least expect that. However, I’ll go back to choice. One of the lines I share on the very last last page of the book, actually, you know, each book I mentioned is titled all 126 days, and the last day is titled 11 minutes. There’s a reason for that. But in the lines to that last page, Gail says is life is life by choice or by chance. You think about it, the choices we do make, maybe they’re related, the choices you do make. give you a chance to experience something you would never have. I think Gail and I both did that we both made choices to love again. We both made choices to stay together. And that gave us a chance to experience something neither was would have had alone. Yeah, that that choice. And that chance when you think about life is an interesting relationship.
Victoria Volk 54:21
And I think that’s a perfect place to tie this up. Anything else you would like to share?
Larry Indiviglia 54:28
Um, if I could, you know, just tell people where to get the book, 126 days and 11 minutes, Our love story is available on amazon books in Kindle or paperback form. It’s a fast read. It’s gotten a lot of very nice five-star reviews. I’m very humbled by them all. So, the audio book will be available on Amazon’s audible channel.
Victoria Volk 54:53
And if people want to connect with you, where can they find you?
Larry Indiviglia 54:57
Yeah, email me directly. I’ll answer all of them. At [email protected] so that’s l i n d i v i g l I [email protected]. You could find me on LinkedIn at Larry Indiviglia. And you could find me on Facebook at Larry Indiviglia as well.
Victoria Volk 55:19
And I’ll put that information in the show notes.
Larry Indiviglia 55:22
Thank you, Victoria.
Victoria Volk 55:26
Thank you so much for being here. And for sharing your story and wisdom from your beloved Gail, and everything that you had to share.
Larry Indiviglia 55:36
Thank you, Victoria. Really enjoyed it. And I hope your listeners received something of value this morning. I think they did.
Victoria Volk 55:47
And remember, when you unleash your heart, you unleash your life. Much love