Takeaways & Reflections | Finding Purpose & Turning the Page
SHOW NOTES SUMMARY:
We often find our purpose through our pain. Or are lead to our purpose through our pain. Either way, there’s often a strong, deep desire to find meaning through the terrible life experiences we’ve gone through.
I’m no exception to that, and many of my guests aren’t either. Darren created AfterCloud, a “life-tech” app for capturing life’s most precious moments and memories to make it both easy to do so, and in the process, create a legacy. It’s also used in music therapy and has a lot of potential for many different types of scenarios. I could even see it being used by someone who wishes to document their rehabilitation process and journey after a tragic accident. They can then share their thoughts, feelings, etc., with whomever they choose.
My other guest, Arielle, has found her work in Hospice care to be enriched and deepened by her life experience with grief and loss.
Both guests, including myself, have found a way to turn the page on our grief. When we stop putting one foot in front of the other, that’s when we get stuck on the page. We find ourselves ruminating in the story of what happened when we avoid digging into how it made us feel at the time. Furthermore, not delivering the communications to those who have hurt us, only further roots our grief more deeply into our hearts.
The beautiful thing about grief recovery is that it enables grievers to turn the page, address all of those emotions, and deliver those communications without ever speaking to the other person. And, if the person has died, it’s still possible! And, to me, that’s the amazing gift of grief recovery – it’s a means, framework, and evidence-based program for turning the page.
RESOURCES:
- Ep. 49 | Darren Evans (MyAfterCloud.com/AfterCloud app)
- Ep. 50 | Arielle Arbushites
- FDA Approved Alzheimer’s Drug Info
- From The Unleashed Heart Blog | Grief is Grief
- From The Unleashed Heart Blog | Grief & Unhelpful Labels
So today is Episode 51. And it’s takeaways and reflections of Episode 49 with Darren Evans which was lost and legacy and Episode 50 with Arielle Arbushites widowed by suicide at 29, and three times not a mother. So first, let me get into Episode 49 with Deron Evans, we talked a lot about his app called after cloud that he had developed with the inspiration of his son and from their experience of his mother in law and his son’s grandmother. Slowly declining from actually not slowly it was quite, it was a more rapid decline because she had Lewy Body Alzheimer’s. And in preparation for today’s episode, I actually well, and I think it’s very timely because just in the last couple days here on the news, it is now June 8 2021. This episode will air in a few days. But the FDA just recently approved. It’s called aduhelm. And it’s also known as adieu botching this totally ADO Canyon Mab. I don’t know who can pronounce these drugs anyway, half the time. Anyway, they just recently the FDA just recently approved this. And it’s the first of its kind treatment since 2003. And it’s the first therapy that actually targets the fundamental path though physiology of the disease, which affects 6.2 million people in the US which I was really shocked when I read that number because I’m like, that’s a really high number of people with this debilitating disease. It just takes so much from families and individuals. And I’m going to link the article where I found that information in the show notes, so you can check that out if you like.
A Life Enriching App – After Cloud App
But coming back to Darren Darren’s episode and his after cloud app. I mean, it’s really being it’s being used in the music arts like music therapy, he said he had mentioned in his in that episode, if you haven’t listened to it, he mentioned music therapists using this with their patients to capture these moments that wouldn’t be captured otherwise, so the family can see the benefits that this therapy music therapy is the impact it’s having in their loved ones lives. But his story of how this was born, I think in touch all of us, it’s applicable to all of us because we all love and we all lose someone eventually who passes and what a beautiful way to capture memories and letters. You can send messages. You can pre plan messages to be sent on birthdays and anniversaries and you can really help to create a memory bank, a scrapbook for family in essence, a digital scrapbook. You can even capture in the person’s words and in their voice. What do they want to experience at the end of their life, you know, if they’re getting closer to that time, especially, you know, terminal patients. So you have it in their words there. It’s their voice sharing, though, you know if you can have that conversation, but first, you have to be able to have that conversation, right. And I could probably do a whole episode just on having the difficult conversation.
But I just think that this app is applicable to so many aspects of our lives, to capture the joy and the sorrow, right? everything in between, like Darren says, it’s a life tech app. And, you know, a part of his branding in his messaging for it is, it’s her voice I miss the most, I wish I could hear her again, I wish I could hear her one more time. And isn’t that what we often say to ourselves, after we lose someone, like, I wish I could just hear his voice one more time or her voice, I would give anything, right? And like he said, If you capture it, now, it’s there for future generations, we have it for the future. You can leave that legacy for your loved ones. I personally have downloaded the app, I did present it to a family member who, you know, I think there’s some skepticism, I think, for some people with putting information out there on the web, or in an app or anything like that. So I do sympathize, and recognize that for some people, that’s not a very comfortable thing to do. And, you know, perhaps I can bring Darren back in, or what I can do a blog post follow up, and, and he can share some of those things. Those objections or those concerns that people might have about that part, you know, putting all of your stuff, you know, into an app. I can see where that would be a real concern for some people.
But I think just like anything, you have to weigh the benefits with the cost. And, you know, what is someone going to do with someone’s singing happy birthday? You know, what is someone going to do with a picture of you and your loved one? on vacation? You know, you can choose to put in at what you want, it doesn’t have to be, you know, you’re not putting in your social security number or anything like that, you know, so there are different apps for that, actually. I have a guest coming up that shares an app that’s specifically for planning for disasters, and like, if something happened to you so and that is a valid question that I’m hoping to, you know, share with you all as well. But with after cloud, it really is just a life tech app, just like many of the apps that we already use, we always have to put in our information for that. And, you know, for many of the apps that we use, we have to include or date of birth, and some even it’s kind of freakish, right? When you when you’re scrolling on Instagram, or whatever, and all of a sudden, you start seeing ads for something that you like, download it in the App Store. And it’s like, wait, wait a minute, what someone watching me, you know, or even having a conversation with, you know, texting with someone, and all of a sudden you start seeing ads, I really do live in an incredible technology advanced time. I can’t even imagine what it will be like years from now. But it comes with responsibility, right? And I know that there are people wanting to create good quality, safe apps and other things that people can access that benefit their lives and enrich their lives. And Darren, and the after cloud app is no different. It’s a life enriching app, maybe as well, instead of just a life tech app.
Mental Health to Emotional Health
There was another point in the conversation where Darren talked about this idea that you know, when you go around the band, and in the UK where he lives back when growing up and things he would hear this term like going around the band, he said that would be equivalent to going to the psychiatric hospital. And it’s worth mentioning and noting in this episode because I don’t know that the shame or the stigma that existed, then or maybe still does when maybe people still say around the band in the UK, I’m not sure. But I do believe that this shame or stigma still exists today, in the US and all over the world. And I think that’s it’s wonderful that mental health has become a topic of discussion, a huge topic of discussion in light of COVID-19. And this idea of mental health, you know, what if we actually called it emotional health? Because that’s really what it comes down to? Doesn’t it? Like, met like, emotionally, we can have breakdowns and breakthroughs, right? but and all of that the grief and the sorrow and the joy and the pleasure, like all of it exists and in the same time and all of that embodies emotional health. So why do we call it mental health? Because we cannot heal. When we’re stuck in our heads. It is the mental aspect of healing. That is keeping us stuck. That is keeping so many people stuck. You cannot heal the heart with the head.
So why do we continue to call it mental health? How about emotional health? And maybe that’s the next blog post I write or, you know, my next stick I get on my next soapbox, I suppose, which I have been speaking up more about that, you know, let’s call it emotional health. Because I think just the word mental. Is I don’t know, it just carries the shame with it. I think too, like people will use the term mental, like, he’s gone mental or she’s mental. Or I feel mental. Like, I feel like I’ve just, you know, I feel like you’re crazy and grief. You do? You feel like you’re going crazy. And, you know, if someone said to you, how’s your mental health? How are you doing mentally? Like? Doesn’t that feel different than if you were to say? Well, how was your heart? And how are you doing emotionally? It feels different, doesn’t it? When I say the two and compare the two. And it’s going to because one feels supported? And one the person may feel more seen and heard. And the other? If I say how’s your mental health? How was how was your mind? How was your mental state? I would feel judgment. I would feel criticism, I would feel analysis. These are all the things that grievers don’t want to feel.
But this is often how society makes Grievers feel criticized, analyzed and judged. And so this is where words matter. Words matter. I think we should just get rid of mental health. We should hashtag emotional health. That’s my new hashtag. Really, I mean, think about it, right? And I think especially in early dementia, when it’s unknown, what is going on with someone that especially if they’re younger, because you just don’t expect these symptoms, you don’t expect those things you don’t expect Alzheimers in younger people, but it happens. It’s you know, it does, it happens. And you know, to the outside world, it could look like they’re going kind of mental. They’re kind of lose it and it’s a debilitating disease. It’s debilitating. And it robs people of everything. Everything. And the thing is, is they know what’s happening. They’re very aware of what’s happening. Especially early on, right? And so I just think especially in the arena of Alzheimer’s, early onset Alzheimer’s late onset, it doesn’t matter when those early symptoms start to show up. It can be helpful to take a step back and look at the behaviors like what are they doing? Are these repetitive? Is it? Here’s the thing, again, they know what’s happening. So no one’s more frustrated than they are right? So you don’t have to be captain obvious. But because that makes them feel shamed, right? that makes them feel like something is wrong with them, which there is, but there’s a medical reason. And so it’s, I imagine, it probably takes years and years for someone to be diagnosed. Because for so long, we just, oh, it’s part of aging, you’re just getting forgetful. I’m like, in my early 40s, I can tell you that I forget a lot of things.
And it’s often though, when I have so much going on, at the same time, my energy and my attention is diverted in so many different directions. It’s not any wonder that I become forgetful. This is different, you know, this is different. And, yeah, I think if you start putting the cereal in the fridge time and time again and forgetting where you live, there’s maybe something more there to explore, you know, but it’s a wonderful thing that there is this new advancement in this drug that can hopefully bring some hope to people. Because I really think that with such a disease like Alzheimer’s, that is so debilitating and can drag on for years and years and years, to be given a little sliver of hope that me would mean so much to people. So if you are wanting to capture your loved ones moments and your own and create your own legacy in a digital way, check out myaftercloud.com. And I will definitely be putting that in the show notes as well.
Grievers Don’t Need New Terms
Up next, the episode for takeaways and reflections is Episode 50. Again with Arielle, and there’s a phrase that she mentioned several times in her episode, and I want to bring some clarification to it and just maybe describe and explain it a little bit more. But she mentioned disenfranchised grief, which actually was a term that was coined in the 1980s by Professor Dr. Kenneth Boca, or dhoka dhoka. I think it is I can’t read my own writing. But talk in relation to a divorced woman whose ex husband had died. And I think she was a student of his or something. I want to bring up again how the grief recovery Institute defines grief and as the loss of hopes, dreams and expectations, and anything we wish that would have been or could be different, better or more. And so when we talk about disenfranchised grief, it’s usually related to a death that others may not see as emotionally significant or like a breakup of a marriage or relationship or friendship. And it can relate to our emotional response to a change in someone we may have never even met. It might be the loss of a pet, a home or a job. It can even relate to abuse or a personal assault on your body. The list of things we might grieve are endless. And rather than creating a new term to describe these things that can be emotionally impactful. It would be far better if we simply expanded that establish mindset about what grief really is.
Grievers don’t need new terms. They just need to be recognized as people dealing with loss of any kind, plain and simple. New terms don’t help people move through a grieving experience. And if anything trying to apply different terms only adds to the confusion and conflicting feelings a grievers already experiencing and at best, this terminology only provides a label to define the problem, but does nothing to solve it. So when I hear terms like disenfranchised grief, so when I hear terms like disenfranchised grief, I just want to scream. It’s grief. That’s all it is at the end of the day. It’s grief. It doesn’t need any other buzzwords or phrases or terms or anything of the like is like I’ve mentioned it does nothing to solve what’s really going on. And that’s my take on the whole thing actually it’s my the grief recovery Institute take on disenfranchised grief and other terms about actually have a blog post talking about these different terms. And I will link to it in the show notes. Because I really think it’s important that we call it for what it is. And it’s just four letters. It’s all we need. We don’t need anything else. Because it’s all these terms and everything that’s really keeping people stuck, I think too.
The Term “Disenfranchised Grief”
Circling back to my conversation with Arielle disenfranchised grief came up because of her personal experience of losing her spouse at the age of 29 to suicide and she had that experience of feeling it was disenfranchised grief, because, you know, it’s often minimized, especially in the case of suicide. It at one point in the interview with her she mentioned something about, you know, did you people would say, did you notice anything? Like they would say, did you notice anything but what she heard was, what they might as well have said instead was didn’t you notice anything almost like, well, I must have done, you know, to internalize, and I can imagine how that would feel like I must, then I must feel like I did something wrong, right? because I didn’t notice anything, I got, implying that I should have noticed something, right? Like, it’s implying that I was wrong in some way, like, I did something wrong in not noticing. So I totally heard that loud and clear. And I think that can be the experience for many people.
And when it comes to suicide, unfortunately for her, she worked in the space of hospice and end of life and things like that. And so the people that work in that space, have that level of compassion, because they, you know, they see death and work around death on a regular basis. And she did say that was a very good environment for her to be in as she was navigating that loss. But also, later, when she ended up having three miscarriages, all very different miscarriages, too, I highly recommend listening to the episode because she really does explain how different each loss of those babies were, and the different impact they had. And we talked a lot to also about how women who are experiencing and even couples, even even the significant other who are going through that type of loss, how there needs to be more compassion brought to that experience. You know, like she mentioned in the episode, you go to pay your copay, and you just had to, you know, deliver a baby that was not going to be going home with you, right? And, but then you got to go to the front desk and pay your copay, and there’s all these women with their big bellies, and happy and you know, there just needs to be more compassion and maybe a different method of care for someone who is just experienced a loss, maybe for the second, third, fourth time. Because grief is cumulative and it’s cumulatively negative, and every single loss stacks up on each other.
Blogging and Writing
And what really, she talked about what really got her through, was starting to write in when she lost her husband. That’s what she started a blog a week later, and she blogged for every day for 365 days. And she still continues to write. And it’s really been a therapeutic way for her to work through what she had been feeling. And also, more importantly to I think, are equally important is to communicate to her family and loved ones, what she was going through and what she needed, and what how others could support her. And because if you think about it, it’s a lot easier to write that out on a blog and say, Hey, read this. And you’ll know where I’m at, rather than having to repeat yourself over and over and over. Just one place that you can point people to. Yeah, that’s where you pour your heart out. And I’m not saying y’all have to start a blog. I’m a writer too. And so that resonates with me, that’s kind of what I did too. And, but it is very therapeutic. And maybe it’s not writing a blog, maybe it’s, you know, that’s why you see a lot of people too that turn to Facebook, and different groups like that to share and open up and all of those things. And that can be great.
But what’s different about social media and that dynamic is just like in when you’re at the grocery store, just like when you go into the post office, you’re gonna run into people who aren’t prepared to hear what you have to say, who maybe don’t want to hear what you have to say, who maybe hear what you have to say, but then say the wrong thing or don’t know what to say. And so they say something hurtful or harmful. Ultimately, you have to find what works for you, what feels good to you. And you know, when there are harmful things that can make you feel better, but aren’t very good for you either. And that’s those are sterbs short term energy relieving behaviors, which I’ve mentioned, in an episode. I have a whole episode devoted sterbs. But blogging and writing was a healthy outlet for her.
There’s Privilege in Finding Things – Find That Resources
And I want to bring up to and this is the point that she brought up and I want to highlight also because there are people listening who may not have access, he may not have internet, he may not have access to resources and poor people, or organizations, or certain books or whatever it may be. I mean, there’s privilege in finding things. And in being able to find things that help you heal. And obviously, as a master social worker, Arielle had the tools and the access and the education for things that would help her emotionally and feel supported when she was going through those losses. And for those that don’t have that education backing, you have to look for it, you have to find it elsewhere. And I know I did. I had hired a life coach at one point. And again, there’s privilege and even saying that, right? So I think there is an especially to coming back to emotional health. It’s trying to create access, and means for people to learn, and grow and educate themselves. This is, I mean, even just this podcast is my way of sharing and giving back for free. I give it freely. I bring people on the podcast who have, you know, some terrible experiences in their lives who have turned their lives around to bring hope to other people.
I don’t take sponsorships. This podcast doesn’t pay me in monetary but I get so much back from it emotionally and just feeling fulfilled. And I just really enjoy it. And I like connecting with people one on one and hearing their stories and sharing their stories, and creating the graphics and writing, you know, the show notes and I do all of that. I pour my heart and soul into this because I really feel the message is important. And many people have a cellphone, most people have a cellphone. That’s the one thing a lot of people have. And so if you have a cellphone, you have access to podcasts, right? And there are so many podcasts out there, there’s so much free education out there, it’s blows my mind. And that’s another incredible thing of the time we live in. And if you don’t have internet at home, you can go to your public library, you can access blog posts, you can listen to podcasts, I think probably to even at the library, there’s so many points of access, I think that people don’t consider as a way to educate and learn and grow and learn from others. So I think that, yes, access to emotional health resources is a problem. I do feel like maybe it just takes a little out of the box thinking to find those resources.
Or in maybe it’s a part of it is just educating people on where they can find those resources. So check out your local library. And I’m going to bring a podcast again because I know you’re listening to this but I didn’t start listening to podcast probably until within the past year and a half. And I’m kind of hooked although I do love crime. True Crime podcast crime junkie is one of my favorites. And but yes, there’s so much I mean you can look up any so many different topics, YouTube, I mean, yeah, the library of internet resources is abundant. So, and yes, not all resources are good, not all resources are probably helpful. But find something that resonates with you and find more of it. I think the information out there, sometimes we just need to get a little creative on on where we’re looking. That’s my rant on that.
When We Are Stuck On The Page
I do just want to share one thing that if you haven’t listened to our rails podcast episode yet, I’m just going to read this one portion of what she had said, we only see the moment that we’re in the page that we’re on. And I was really stuck there on those particular pages of grief for a long time, not understanding that the pages would flip. And at some point, I would be feeling differently. And this is what happens to so many grievers. We get stuck on the page, we can’t see a future ahead. It’s unknown. So it’s scary. We don’t know how we’re going to go on without that person. Or if it’s an less than loving relationship, we don’t know how to move on with that person. That can be grief, too. And we get stuck there. And actually, just this week, I had a client of mine share a talk about a group that they’re in and how, especially for men, it’s not particularly acceptable to share your emotions and share how you’re feeling and express yourself and talk about grief. And I just had to say, Well, those aren’t your people, you got to find your people, you got to find those that support you. But also to a shared, you know, we do get to a point, when we don’t feel like we have to share all of that stuff, like we used to, we get to a point where the emotion has been addressed.
So therefore we’re not, we don’t have that same emotional response, when we start talking and telling the story. That’s what healing is. That’s when you know, you’re healing, when you can talk about it. And you don’t end up a pile of mess on the floor. You can talk about it, and you don’t get pulled into the past and start crying and you know, getting emotional and feeling those same old familiar feelings that you were so used to feeling because you felt them day in and day out for so long. That’s what healing is, when you get to the point where that’s not the same reaction. That’s not the same pattern of behavior. That’s when you know you’ve been doing the work. And the only way you get past that the only way you can get through that. The only way that you can have a conversation in the future and not be pulled back into those same responses is by doing the work. That’s it, that’s you have to do the work. And that’s what grief recovery is grief recovery is addressing the grief, the four letter word that is given all kinds of labels, that is only thought to be just about death. But there’s so much more as long as we are treating people like they are in a mental health crisis. Or as long as we’re treating the mental health crisis, like a mental problem, like a logical problem, like a brain problem. We’re not going to see solutions. We’re not going to see progress.
And we’re not going to see people getting emotionally well. If this message today resonates with you, I don’t want you to lose hope. Don’t lose hope. Look to your community for resources, people that you know, for the support, find your people. Find what works for you, that help that can help you heal because your future depends on it. Even if you don’t have a master’s degree, or have developed a really amazing app, your life has purpose. And we often find our purpose in our pain, such as keep putting one foot in front of the other. Just keep Moving forward every day, little by little. Because just like grief is cumulative, and it’s cumulatively negative. So is healing. So everything that you’re doing, to move yourself forward, that’s cumulative, too, but in a good positive way. So keep doing those things. And remember, you always have this podcast to come back to.
P.S. There’s tons of other grief podcasts out there to inspire and to help you feel like you’re part of a community. Because grievers are everywhere. We’re everywhere because grief is everywhere. You just never know what the person walking by you on the street is going through. If you want to listen to more episode of grieving voices click here. Thank you for listening. And remember, when you unleash your heart, you unleash your life. Much love.