Crystal Partney | Finding Hope After the Loss of Her Sister By Suicide

 

SHOW NOTES SUMMARY:

Crystal shares the impact of losing her sister by suicide and the process of working through the grief that led her to start not one but two businesses in honor of her sister.

What you will learn, though, through Crystal’s episode, is that the loss of her sister was not the first. It was actually one of three within a short period of time. And, if there’s one thing that I’ve learned through the work that I do and conversations for this podcast, it’s that grief isn’t a one-and-done experience. We often have many losses or grief-causing experiences that all blend into one another. And, there are ripples of each and every loss. We touch on this, too, in this episode, including how Crystal talked to her then three-year-old about the death of her aunt.

Through Scattering Hope and Owl and Thistle, Crystal reaches both those who have lost a loved one by suicide and those who feel disempowered or at a loss to help those struggling with depression and/or suicidal ideation.

Through her work, Crystal has brought panels of experts, including myself, to share on topics that embody a variety of areas of mental health.

If you wish to reach out to someone struggling that you care about, check out Owl and Thistle. And, if you are wanting to learn how to navigate this kind of loss, check out Scattering Hope.

RESOURCES:


CONNECT WITH CRYSTAL:

Victoria Volk  00:00
Thank you for tuning in to grieving voices. Today my guest is Crystal Partney, and she will be sharing the loss of her sister. And thank you so much for being here, Crystal.

Crystal Partney  00:14
Thanks for having me, it’s an honor. Thank you.

Victoria Volk  00:18
Yeah. So, tell us a little bit about yourself before we dive deep.

Crystal Partney  00:24
Sure, so I am the founder and CEO of two companies, the first one being scattering hope. And the second one being Owl and thistle. So, owl, as in the bird, woohoo. And Alan thistle focuses on prevention of suicide. And scattering hope helps families heal after losing a loved one to suicide.

Victoria Volk  00:49
Awesome. And so, I guess we can assume that you lost your sister to suicide? Correct? That’s kind of what led to your work that you do now? Yes, let’s start there. Tell us about your sister Gina.

Crystal Partney  01:04
So, in 2019, the day before my 32nd birthday, my mother called me. And I could tell she was upset. I didn’t know what was going on. But you could just hear in her voice. And she immediately said what’s wrong. And then she proceeded to tell me that my sister Gina had taken her life that morning. And as a family, we were completely devastated at this loss. And that was tragedy of losing my sister. And the, as you can imagine, the birthday that I would have the next day was not the most joyful birthday. And it was something that I had to really adjust and adapt to as time would go on. But I also realized in that moment that things would never be the same. And that my heart was really was grieving. And at this loss, and unfortunately, there was just a lot of things happening in my life. At the time, I was literally getting ready to graduate for my bachelor’s degree to receive my bachelor’s degree within a month after my sister had taken her life. And so I was just right in the thick of things. And I told myself over and over again, Chris will just graduate, it doesn’t matter about the grades just graduate. And so I did, thankfully. And I told myself after graduation, that I would give myself a year to really sort of process what has just happened. And also because I was so busy with with just focusing on graduating, and the buisiness of my senior year and finishing up, I also wanted to just take a breath, because up until that point, I felt like it had all been kind of a blur and I wasn’t able to fully process my emotions as they were coming. And so after graduating, I just told myself, okay, like I was very fortunate, I didn’t have to rush out and try to find a job in my field that I had just graduated in. I had a very steady job. And, and so that was a blessing. And I took that year off and I said okay, I’m just going to begin the healing process, whatever that looks like. And yeah, that’s just a little bit my heart behind why I’ve started and why I started the healing process, and a little bit about that day.

Victoria Volk  03:55
So was Alan Thistle, the first just that you started.

Crystal Partney  04:00
Now actually, ironically enough, it was scattering help and it didn’t really set in until golly, I would say at least a year’s time almost a year’s time had gone by since my sister’s passing and we were coming up on the the one-year anniversary of her of her death and I kept you know having throughout that years timespan, I kept having this prompting on my heart. And that was to help other families that are going through a similar journey. And I kind of was like okay, this is this is a little bit strange. Like what am I doing, and I just really graduated in in health care administration and I’m so proud that I graduated and I and I finally you know have I had this accomplishment that I had worked so hard for so long and so it really kind of took me off guard a little bit that that this prompting kind of wouldn’t go away. It just kept coming back in. And I have no doubt it was my sister saying crystal, I want you to help other families that are going through a similar situation. And thus I started my company scattering hope so tanzer, your question, yes, scattered hope was actually first and then as I was mapping that out and deciding, like, Okay, this is how I want to do this, then I also got another prompting no data from my sister saying, I want you to also focus on prevention, because it’s one thing to, to help that mindset or heal. And you know, after such a tragedy as this, but it’s an entirely different approach and an entirely different feeling, if you are also going to focus on prevention. And we do that without the soul in such a loving way, that’s not a shameful way. That’s not guilt ridden. Because very often times people are struggling behind closed doors, and they’re not vocal about it, at least I should say, majority of the people that are suffering behind closed doors, they’re not vocal, and wanting to end their life. And they’re not vocal in, in just saying and sharing their vulnerability about the simple truth that they’re struggling. And they don’t know where to turn to, they feel very alone. And so that’s, that’s my approach with Allen thistle is, we do that in such a loving way in such a graceful way. That’s not shameful. That’s not guilt ridden. And it’s just ultimately, it’s a way for you to be able to tell the people in your life, how much that you love them, and how much they matter, and how much you appreciate them.

Victoria Volk  06:59
So, what does that look like in your business then? Like, if I come to the website, and I know someone’s struggling, or I personally am struggling? What does that look like? What does that service look like?

Crystal Partney  07:12
Yeah, so we offer several different options. We offer a subscription box that that someone can receive for every quarter or every month, depending on how often you would want the box. And then also, we offer a subscription, or excuse me, we offer a membership site, as well, where we have monthly discussions, and we have guest speakers. And we just have the conversation, I think that became very, very transparent and very apparent that I needed to begin the conversation around such a sensitive topic of suicide, and let people know that they’re not alone. Because as I began that process, I very quickly discovered that I wasn’t alone when I’ve when I lost my sister to suicide. But I also got people reaching out to me and being vulnerable and saying, Hey, I’m so glad that you’re doing what you’re doing that you’re focusing on prevention. And you know, I’ve never told anybody this, but I actually have attempted suicide when I was younger, or just having the courage to share their story with me and being vulnerable and saying, Hey, you know, I was struggling. And this is so needed right now. And and that’s the the path that both companies follow. So both companies follow subscription box model as well as a membership site.

Victoria Volk  08:49
It sounds wonderful. And we’ll link a link to where they can find that. Show Notes. Going back to your sister’s story in that loss for you. What were some I mean, were there not warning signs? Did you feel like did you have a sense that she was struggling, but you didn’t know how to? What was the experience before you? I’m sure, obviously it was a shock when you found out but no, and then you kind of reflect and you look back? What were the things that stuck out to you as you reflected back on the relationship leading up to that decision she made?

Crystal Partney  09:25
Yeah, well, it’s such a beautiful question. And there were absolutely warning signs. And in fact, on the website, Alan Thisle, there is a download that you can get that shares the warning signs to to look out for if someone is struggling. And I just wanted to mention that right now. But there were absolutely warning signs. My sister was kind of the opposite. You know how most people are struggling behind closed doors. They don’t want anybody to know that they are struggling and in contemplating suicide that My sister was the opposite, she was very vocal and saying, she would have a bad day. And then she would be very vocal and saying, well, I’m just going to end my life. And my family was very proactive in getting her help and seeking out a trained professional in this manner. And unfortunately, my sister didn’t open up, she didn’t allude to the difficulties that she was facing, and the struggles that she was having to this professional. And we, we, of course, as a family were very, like, aware of her struggles and, and that’s why we were so adamant on her seeking out a professional and, and it got to the point where, you know, she was on medication. But when, after she passed, we very quickly realized that she stopped taking the medication that was prescribed for her. And she was also very vocal towards the end about not wanting to you know, pay for, for services, not wanting to pay for counseling, sessions, because let’s be honest, it’s not covered by most insurances, because it would be considered an elective and, and she just simply said, flat out, I don’t want to go because I don’t want to pay. And I think towards the end, it’s there were definitely warning signs. And we had thought she had turned a corner towards the end of her life that we were hopeful that okay, this whatever medication she has been on is working. And she is, you know, she stopped seeing the the counselor, but she’s taking the medication, so everything must be going good and weird, really believed as a family that she was turning a corner and, and she was starting to see hope again. But unfortunately, as we discovered that she stopped taking her medication, and she stopped going to counseling and, and then as I said, she was alluding to the fact that she just didn’t want to go, and she didn’t want to pay for the services anymore. She didn’t think there were help, if that was helping

Victoria Volk  12:35
I think it’s so hard for someone who is in that headspace to really consider the impact of their choices. Because it’s really difficult when you’re and I mean, I’ve had outs of depression. But you know, the clinical depression or be diagnosed with depression really needs to be, you know, consistently on medication, I imagine that it would be very difficult to see the effect that you have on others, and how your choices and decisions impact the family. So I’m glad that you kind of address both aspects and both sides of that. So when it comes to your loss experience, and at the time, I know you said that you were going through college, you’re about to graduate. But you also have a family, correct?

Crystal Partney  13:30
I do. Yeah.

Victoria Volk  13:33
So, you get a lot of balls in the air, not just school, but husband and kids, right?

Crystal Partney  13:40
Yes, yes. I have a daughter. Yep. She was three at the time. And it was hard. It was hard for me to be honest. I didn’t want to tell her. I didn’t want to tell her that her and Gina had passed away. And that was a extremely difficult conversation. But I’ll I’ll share it with you if you don’t mind. Yeah, please. The as I mentioned earlier, my sister passed away the day before my birthday. And my daughter who was three at the time, she had just turned three in January. So her birthday is actually coming up. And she noticed that I was I was crying like a loss. And she didn’t understand why because I kept wrestling with the idea. Do I tell her if I tell her? What details? Do I tell her? Do I be transparent? Or and also do I be transparent but how do you tell a three year old about how do you talk to your three year old about suicide? How do you how do you talk to them about something so tragic is this in a way that she would understand? but also just understanding that she is three and she’s not going To understand as much as say, like one of my nieces or nephews who are older, they’re teenagers. And so there is a delicate balance there. But I was, you know, in the bathroom and my little girl came up to me and she just said, Mommy, why, fine? And I said, well, and I decided I was like, Okay, I have to tell her, I can’t like, I can’t just not tell her. So I did. I said, Well, Honey, I’m sad. And she goes, why are you so sad? And I said, Well, I’m sad, because your aunt Gina has has died, you’re at Gina’s passed away. And she looked at me and she said, Mommy, why? And I was completely transparent and said, You know what, honey? I don’t know. I don’t know why she passed away. But I do know that she was really sad. And, and she got kind of quiet. And then, you know, she started to smile. And I was like, smiling. I don’t understand. Why are you smiling? I just told you that. Your aunt has passed away your ass died. What? Why are you smiling? And I asked her, I said, Hi, my wife smiley. As she goes, Mommy, does that mean that she’s with Grandpa? And Grandpa Lany is my dad. I said, Yeah, she says grandpa Lany. And she goes, Okay, and she runs out the bathroom.

Crystal Partney  16:33
It was that quick. And that seven. And I remember that moment, so vividly in my mind, and I always will. But it took a moment that was so difficult for me and turned it on its head and made it realize that it was going to be okay, that if I could just take the approach as my three-year-old did, and know that she’s in good hands, she’s in good company. And even though I’m sad, even though I missed her, not a day goes by where I don’t miss my sister. It’s gonna be okay. That she’s safe. The sadness that she felt in this life is gone. And she’s happy. And she’s just, she’s in good company. And so that just, it warmed my heart. And it really took me off guard, because, you know, like I said, she was just like, Okay, and then rush rushes out. And so it just, it really did warm my heart. And it made me kind of take a step back and say, okay, that’ll be okay.

Victoria Volk  17:49
Beautiful story. Thank you for sharing that. Thank you for sharing about your sister. I just want to say that children are like, especially three is honest, be honest about their feelings. And I commend you as your mother being honest about yours. Because I think that is the first lesson that children learn about grief is how to a level of honesty that we have about our feelings. And so, she really reflected that back to you, but gave you insight. Like you said, I’m a four-year-old, the innocence the maybe that was a message for you to write. I mean, there’s a gift in that message that she shared with you. I had goosebumps when you said that. She said that. What a beautiful little girl. Wow. Yeah. Thank you. So, what has your grief taught you?

Crystal Partney  18:51
It’s taught me so many things. And just as I just shared that it’s going to be okay. And even though you’re sad and you you’ve missed them, like Not a day goes by where you don’t miss them, like your heart yearns for them. But I’ll share another example. This was so in 2013 I lost my nephew. He was 39 weeks gestation. And my brother and his wife, they are worse we’re struggling to have another baby and they were able to get pregnant and so she you know, as I was struggling with with multiple miscarriages all throughout, you know, her time getting pregnant, and there was no there was no warning signs with with well it just happened. And so that happened in January, and she hasn’t been 13. And then my dad passed away unexpectedly in April of that year, and then I also lost my best friend in December of that year. So, I kind of a joke. And in, in all seriousness, I’ve nicknamed that the year of hell for me, because it was just back-to-back to back. And all of those were completely unexpected in my life. And these relationships, were extremely important to me, especially my dad, and my best friend, and I didn’t get a chance to meet well, but I know that he is an amazing person. And, and after having experienced that I was at, I believe it was the Christmas or around Christmas time, because I had lost my best friend before Christmas of that year. And I remember just feeling so bogged down, and just like, I was angry, I was so mad. And I remember just, you know, screaming out and just kind of yelling and saying, you should be here right now. Like, you should be here right? Now, why are you here. And I immediately got this soft whisper. And I have no doubt that it was my dad, and probably my best friend. But they said, Chris over here, or here, we are just not in the form that you want us to be in. And I said, You’re right. You’re right. You’re just not in the form that I want you to be in, I don’t want you to be here physically, and you’re not. But and again, I got this just gentle, like warmth on my heart that said, we’re here, we’re not missing anything, for just not in the form that you want us to be in, you can’t see us that we’re here. We’re not going anywhere. So, I just wanted to share that with your listeners that if you find yourself in this really sort of dark place in this sort of, like we just had the holidays. And a lot of times the holidays are the most difficult part of the year, because you’re surrounded by family. And obviously this year, this past year looked vastly different than any other holiday but but maybe this is the first time without your loved one. Maybe this was the first holiday that you experienced without them. And I just want to encourage you and and let you know that they are there. They’re just not in the form that you want them to be. But don’t mistake for one second, that they are not with you that they are not experiencing life with you. I always joke with my sister, I said, we used to call her Jean. And I said, Jamie, you’re welcome to hang out with me. But I’m kind of boring. And you know, but you’re more than welcome Nick, you know, just kind of hang out and, you know, observe. But I do have to give that caveat that I’m not the most exciting person. But that’s okay. That’s, you know, that’s one of the reasons and one of the things that she loves about me.

Victoria Volk  23:18
Thank you for sharing. I think it is a good reminder, I think because when we lose loved ones, we often forget that we can talk to them, and still talk to them. And I think people struggle with that, too, I feel depending on the circumstances of their eighth life, before death knocks on their door or after. I think that shapes also to how we feel about that or talking to those who love of the party. I actually just had a conversation with a 21-year-old that I very similar losses as myself and also in the same ages. And I just shared with her that you’re either safe, which is very strong. And then their spirituality which I feel is maybe goes deeper and is more of a connection. As not a belief or a feeling. It’s more like a feeling. And it’s a connection that you feel like you know, is there. And I think that really determines if you’ll feel open to talking. I think that helps. I mean even if you don’t believe that even just voicing what you’re what’s on your heart. Think of it like a prayer out loud or think of it like just sharing your heart with the air. You know you don’t even have to share it up especially if you don’t have a safe person to talk to Grievers unknowingly and unintentionally and I say we’re all Grievers because we all agree something. We’ve all agreed something. So when I say Grievers, it’s even if you don’t identify yourself as a group, you’re still agree with my book. It’s my belief that we say hurtful, we say hurtful and harmful things. I’m intentionally, especially if we haven’t, you know, we haven’t processed our own stuff.

Crystal Partney  25:29
Yeah.

Victoria Volk  25:33
You know, so were there any things that people said to you too during that time that I’m well meaning, but didn’t really come off that way? If your heart received it differently?

Crystal Partney  25:45
Yeah, Oh, absolutely. I’m not exempt. I’m not exempt. And, you know, I think, having experienced a tragedy like this, specifically to suicide, I really believe that people just don’t know what to say. And so oftentimes, like you said, their heart is in a good place. But they are often you know, kind of speak out of turn or, or say something that they, they normally probably wouldn’t say, because they are trying to be helpful. They’re trying to show how much they love you. And, and absolutely, I had several times, like going back to my might have conversations that I was like, why in the heck did you say that, but, but ultimately, what I had to the conclusion that I had to come to for myself was crystal, they’re just trying to help you. They’re just trying to help you. And they just don’t know how. And so tell them, tell them how. And it could be something as simple as I need you to. I had a friend. She was very close to my sister, actually, ironically enough. And she, she, you know, she let me know, she’s like, Crystal, what can I do for you? And my initial reaction was, Nope, can’t do anything. I’m just gonna, you know, I’m gonna wonder woman. I mean, I’m like, No, I’m good. And then it, you know, again, because I’m in tune with, with my spirituality, because it’s such a driving force in my life. I felt this this warmth come over me that’s prompting St. Krystal, no, don’t, not this time. Tell her what you need. And so I did, I said, You know what, it would be really great. If I didn’t have to make breakfast, that I have to make breakfast for the next three days, and I could just grab something like yogurt or fruit, or both, whatever it is, and I didn’t have to make breakfast for my for my little girl, then that would be amazing. And so she’s like, Okay, done, consider it. And so she did, she went out, she got this huge, like, like, gift basket, essentially, of like fruit, and like chocolate milk and yogurt and just like, piled it all in there. And she dropped it off at my house. And she just said here. And I just said, Thank you so much. Like, this is exactly what I did. And, and, yeah, there’s, there’s just being, you know, vocal and just sharing. And I know, oftentimes I can speak from my own experience that, then you just want to hold it all in. And it’s, it’s always gonna come out sideways, when you finally let it out. I just well, and but I would give the advice that has, if anybody’s lost anybody that they love, whether it’s suicide or other health complications, whatever it is to just allow yourself grace, and allow grace for others as well. That they’re just trying to help and they just want to, to do what they think is right at the time. And and just give yourself grace. I mean, give them grace to because they’re gonna say stuff that, you know, like, why in the heck did you say that? I get above all of our fabulous vocabulary. You chose that, really, but just take it a step back and saying, you know what, there’s just right now.

Victoria Volk  29:38
That’s the motivation behind my podcast why I started it is for the education piece, but also, obviously for people to share their stories. But I think through story we learn and so that’s and to bring home I want to go back a little bit to Loss of your father, because I’m curious how you believe that that impacted your sister. And is that, when that happened is that when you noticed a change in your sister, was she younger than you? Was she older than you?

Crystal Partney  30:15
So, she’s my, she’s my oldest girl in the family. So, she’s the oldest girl in the family. And so, I’m the youngest of eight. So, I come from my family. Wow. And that was it. It’s very similar to my sister. But when we lost our dad, it was kind of it was complete shock, like, it was very sudden. But quite honestly, for anybody that knew my dad, my dad would not have wanted it any other way. Like his nightmare was to be like, stuck someplace, having like, he said, like every day, if not, very often, his nightmare for him, would be for his children to take care of him, to have to take care of him. And why he had kind of this, this impression that we didn’t want to take care of him when he got older, I don’t know. But I think that has to stem with his experience with taking care of his own, taking care of his own father. And so, he just wanted so badly to not have that experience for us. And so, it was really this, this kind of, you know, this gift of love, but, but like I said, it, knowing my dad, he wouldn’t have wanted to, you know, pro long, bad health or anything like that. So it really was a blessing in disguise for him, that he passed away suddenly as he did. But absolutely, it had a tremendous effect on on my family as a whole. And especially my sister Gina, she, towards the end of her life she and looking back, I was like, oh, okay, now I can see that because she was vocal and saying, I wish she knew my dad. And for those of you that didn’t know, my dad, he was an amazing person. And, you know, these are some of the characteristics. These are some of his his quirks that I just miss about him. And so looking back at this, and that was Kali, that was I want to say at least three, maybe a little bit longer timespan before her path before her passing, when she when she expressed those feelings of missing my dad, or missing our dad. And so yeah, it just it absolutely had a tremendous effect on us as a family and it still does. They’re still you know, moments where I wake up, and I’m like, I’m gonna call dad and I can, it’s just in a different way and a different form. And like I had already shared, he’s here, he’s experiencing life with me, just not in the way that I want him to be. So, I just want to emphasize that point, because I know that some of your listeners may feel lost some of your, your listeners may feel like, gosh, I just feel so alone, and to just remember that they’re here.

Victoria Volk  33:39
So, throughout your grief experience, what has given you the most joy, and hope?

Crystal Partney  33:47
Oh, golly, I’m looking at my looking at my daughter. In that moment, I already shared telling her about her aunt Gina, passing away. And I didn’t realize this, but at the time, I was setting the bar for her. So that whenever she experiences a tragedy, she’s going to look back at this moment in time and say, Well, how did mom handle it? Because that’s how I should handle this. And notice I said when not if she experiences a tragedy, and that has brought me a lot of peace and a lot of joy. Just also see how she’s handling the loss of my sister. And just the other day she goes, Mommy, that’s her aunt Gina died. And it was the funeral home that we had my sister’s private family viewing. And I and I didn’t want to take her but I decided okay, she needs to connect the dots. I didn’t want this to be something that became this, this experience of me showing her or me telling her I actually wanted her to see and connect the dots in her in her mind. And yes, she’s three and but now that she’s going to be turning five, she’s connecting those dots. And she’s saying, hey, that’s right Gina passed away and, and she’s really just bringing me so much joy and so much hope throughout this whole journey that whenever I’m having just a down day, I look at her and I go, your body, your mind why, like, you’re the whole reason why I’m doing what I’m doing. And if I can be a light, and a service to other people, through my experience, and to share my story of hope, then I mean, what better? What better purpose there than that?

Victoria Volk  35:58
I want to come back to to the conversation that you had with your daughter, and the thoughts you have like, what do I say? How do I talk, you know, because I think there’s a lot of fear that people have, when there is a death in the family, and what they should do and what they feel is right, I’m going to start by saying you do need to do what was right for you? But I’m going to speak from the aspect of grief recovery specialists and that children understand far more than we give them credit for. And their honesty will tell you what they understand if you allow them to communicate. And I’ve heard stories of parents who almost shush their children around a specific loss, because it’s painful for them. It’s too painful for them to talk about. But they don’t understand the damage that’s doing to the child, by not being able to talk about it. What they’re learning in that situation two is that we don’t talk about it. And that’s sets them up for life, and how they process and deal with and address grief, and how they treat others in their grief as well. So that is a huge passion of mine, educational piece around this. You know and help in grief recovery, too. We have a facilitator method is helping children with loss program. And it is online for a group. And that’s a four-week program. So, I just want to mention that if you find yourself in a situation and you’re not sure how to help a child process their grief, the next one program that I’m very passionate about because I’m a child Craver, myself. And that’s the thing, you know, I was eight and people just didn’t think that I need them to talk about anything. Children can seem like they’re okay. They can act like they’re dealing with it. But there might be other behaviors that you don’t connect to the grief. So, if they’re having angry outbursts, if they’re not sleeping well at night, if they’re coming into your room, you think, well, they just had a bad dream. I mean, they’re wetting the bed. If a behavior changes, that’s a Mark, Mark change and familiar pattern of behavior. That’s what grief is. It’s a change in or a familiar pattern of behavior. And so those are just some things I wanted to bring up. I thought you handled it beautifully. And you were honest about yourself, therefore, your child reflected back to you honestly, with her giggles and, you know, no, she’s in a better she’s in a good place. She’s in good company, right? I don’t want to say a better place because that’s one of the things that people may say, Well, they’re in a better place. No, they should be in this place with me. That’s how gravers feel they always want their loved one with them. So don’t say that. Yeah. Yeah. Don’t say that. They’re in a better place. Don’t say that. They say at first, yes, they say at first, again. Are they being strong for you? You know, because Grievers do that reverse will dismiss their own feelings to make other people comfortable. So, you really have to follow the lead of the Graber and in how you direct the conversation, but let them lead the conversation. You don’t need to say or do anything. You just need to listen. I think that’s that’s my biggest message on almost every episode is just listen. Yeah, nothing else you need to do. Let the griever be. Was there something you want?

Crystal Partney  40:01
I was I, yeah, I agree 100% with all that you said, and, and again, you know, even when going circling back to what you had just said about, like, oh, they’re in a better place. And even though that, I find that I’m not alone, and that can be a little bit triggering for me. But again, it goes back to grace, and saying, I, maybe they don’t know what maybe they don’t know what I’m experiencing, maybe they haven’t lost a loved one to suicide, or maybe they haven’t lost a loved one yet. But ironically enough, when I was talking to my uncle, he said, kind of a little bit jokingly, but in a serious sort of tone. He said, Crystal, because we were talking about my dad, and he said, you know, no one gets out of your life. And I was like, yeah, as hard as that, for me to hear that it’s true. And so it, it just kind of again, just was like how you’re right, and just allowing people just grace, you know, they say that in a very loving way. Like, I know that, I know that someone, that’s what’s that has said that to me in the past. They do it in a loving way. And they’re just trying to help and what better way than to say like, Okay, this is what I need you to do, and, and be transparent, and say, You know what, I know you guys are trying to help. But I’d really appreciate it if you don’t say XYZ. take those out of your vocabulary, because those are really triggering for me. And I just don’t want to hear it right now. So do me a favor, and just don’t say those, because that’s true. And I guarantee you they will, if they even have a little bit of love for you, which I know that their love is off the charts. But they will respect that, and they will listen.

Victoria Volk  42:06
Anything else you’d like to share?

Crystal Partney  42:10
I just wanted to kind of circle back to what you were saying earlier about, about me telling my daughter and everything. And I think there’s just a lot of ways to approach death in general and how you approach it, and how you, you know, mention it to different age, age groups, age brackets. And so as I mentioned earlier, I’m going to talk to my three year old about her, her n passing away, and a completely different light in a completely different tone than I would my nephew or nieces that are older and in their teenage years. So but ultimately, it it comes down to, you know, telling the truth, but doing it in a very loving way. And not in a fearful way, I would say. And that’s just based on my own experience that, you know, suicide is an extremely difficult conversation to have with someone, especially, you know, at a younger age like my daughter was, and so I really wrestled with the idea of do I tell her do I tell the truth, but I felt really strong in my approach and how I alluded to the fact that she was extremely sad. And I obviously am not going to go into details about her passing. But I am, I would say that I’m prepared for as those conversations come into play, as she gets older over time.

Victoria Volk  43:53
Exactly, yeah.

Crystal Partney  43:57
But it’s important, it’s important that you have the conversation and that you be as as delicate and and truthful around it as best you can. That’s, that’s most age appropriate. And so, I kind of like I said, I set, I set the example and I set that bar for future conversations and that was extremely important to me.

Victoria Volk  44:22
The conversation will evolve over time as she gets older and she inquires and she learns more and, and you know, someone in the family might say something, and she might overhear it and what was that about? You know? Yeah, so as her curiosity comes to you with the probing questions. That’s the thing like as she gets older, the conversation will change and evolve as she gets older and it’s just taking into consideration and also to I think maturity of the individual child is a huge factor as well. I think that really needs to be something to consider, regardless of the age They might not be, I’m not sure. 10-year-old or you know, so that is something to consider as well. But yeah, thank you for bringing that up again. Where can people find you if they’d like to reach out to you and learn more about boxes and membership?

Crystal Partney  45:21
Sure, well, you can find either one of my companies at scatteringhelp.com, as well as owlandthistle.com. And inside the website, you’ll find links to social media and all of that fun stuff.

Victoria Volk  45:41
and I’m not sure when exactly this episode will air right now it’s where mid January, but you know, you have a summit coming up? Would you like to share a little bit about that? Because I believe they’re going to have the recordings made available, correct?

Crystal Partney  45:57
Yes. So, the the summit will, will be March 8 through the 12th. And yeah, we’d love for you to join if you are interested. And we will just be having a conversation around how we can begin the conversation around suicide and, and what that looks like in our healing and how we can, we can heal from losing a loved one to suicide. And then we’ll also mention about how we can prevent this from happening to other people in our lives. And ultimately, just, it begins and stems back to the conversation that I began with that my whole heart and soul behind Alan thistle is to have the conversation and just let people know in our lives, that there are a lot, because at the end of the day, when people don’t feel that their love, and they don’t feel like they matter. those thoughts of suicide enter their mind, and they don’t leave, they will get louder and louder as time goes by. And I do not want that to be your fate, he not want that to be your outcome. You You are the author of your story. And let’s write something different. Let’s write something that’s more joyful, more hopeful, more purposeful, and inspiring to others.

Victoria Volk  47:28
I do want to mention one thing, too, because I’ve learned through grief recovery work. And also, through conversations that I’ve had with mental health professionals who work in suicide prevention, that probably one of the best questions you can ask someone who you think may be suicidal or having suicidal ideation, is asking them outright? Are you thinking about harming yourself or someone else? Because oftentimes, that’s a question that very few people will actually as. And the thing is, is most people in that situation, want to be asked that? Yes, absolutely. Oh, I just wanted to bring that up that don’t think that that’s going to be the thing that’s going to send them over the edge to actually complete suicide? Because regardless if you said it or not, they’ve been thinking about it.

Crystal Partney  48:25
They will be, you know, most people will be, they’re gonna be kind of caught off guard when you ask that question, especially if you lead with that question. Because here’s the thing, looking back at my own experience with my sister, I have was very vocal with her and getting the help that she needed. But there was a moment when I did I asked her, I said, Are you and so she said yes. And I think it just again, looking back in my own conversations with her, it completely kind of threw her off guard. And so, they’re naturally going to be open, and they’re going to respond yes or no. And because you’re leading with that question, because you love that, and there’s no shame in it. Like let’s, let’s do this together. We can, you know, get you some help. And here’s the thing, if this person doesn’t work with you, if this person was like, That’s all right, it’s okay. Go find someone that does. Go find somebody that you connect with on a personal level, and let’s just start to have the conversation and be bold, be bold about it, and but again, just having grace for them and having grace for yourself and is so so key.

Victoria Volk  50:00
My recent our blog post that’s coming out of mine soon is talking about shame. And I think shame has a huge role in people’s lives. And you know, it’s a heavy weight in the pits of our stomach and oftentimes weathers shame they’re wrong. I wear their shame. There’s grief. Yes. When there’s grief, there’s shame.

Crystal Partney  50:22
So yeah, this dual, what do you call it? The teeter totter.

Victoria Volk  50:29
Yeah. And so, that’s one thing too, is someone who’s possibly thinking about that probably has feelings of shame. It’s maybe linked to that blog post in the show notes as well. But okay, so you’re gonna have we have like a opt in for the summit where people can catch up at any time because this is 2021 now, January, March.

Crystal Partney  50:59
yes, I’m just wrapping up with with the with the finer details, like the opt in and all of that. And then as soon as I have that ready to go, I’ll send the link over so you can put that in the shownotes and let your people know.

Victoria Volk  51:15
Sounds great. Thank you so much, Crystal for sharing your story. I think there’s, there’s something in this episode for everybody, whether you’re experiencing a loss to suicide or otherwise, so thank you. Anything else?

Crystal Partney  51:33
Yeah, thank you so much for having me. It was it was a lot of fun, and it was a pleasure.

Victoria Volk  51:39
Well, grief isn’t fun. But I do hope that you know, the lighter stuff like what brings people, what brings you joy, maybe inspire some listeners and the work that you do. So, thank you again. And remember, when you unleash your heart, you unleash your life. Much love.

 

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