Brianne Davis | Secrets, Sex & Love Addiction
SHOW NOTES SUMMARY:
Actress, Podcaster, and Author, Brianne Davis shares, for the first time, about the loss of who she once was.
Brianne has come to terms, with the help of therapy and the 12-step program for sex and love addiction, to understand the depths and impact of being sexually abused as a child. And, how that experience, along with early exposure to what she believed love was impacted her well into adulthood.
She would find herself choosing a profession where she could blend into the roles of another person within a script, which was fitting since she was struggling in her own skin.
Follow along Brianne’s journey of awareness to wholeness as went through a 9-month men detox, and later as she wrote her book, Secret Life of a Hollywood Sex & Love Addict: A Novel.
Today, Brianne shares her full and complete heart that no longer looks to the outside world for validation and comfort, through supporting others who wish to share their secrets on her podcast, Secret Life.
Connect with Brianne: Website | Instagram
Resources:
- Sex & Love Addicts Anonymous
- Book | Secret Life of a Hollywood Sex & Love Addict: A Novel
- Podcast | Secret Life
Victoria Volk 00:56
Welcome to grieving voices. Today my guest is Brianne Davis and we are going to be talking about all things addiction. Yeah, not sexy like grief, like we were talking about before we have done but definitely topics that are worthy of discussion. So, thank you so much for being here to share your story.
Brianne Davis 01:22
Oh, thank you for having me. I’m really excited to be on with you today.
Victoria Volk 01:26
You come from Hollywood? So, let’s start there. What brings you to grieving voices to share your story?
Brianne Davis 01:33
Well, when I heard about your podcast, you know, being from Hollywood, it’s all like, you know, fantasy, like everything’s pretty and filtered and sexy and exciting. And then to come and talk about the grief. And I’ve had a lot of grief in my life. And I’ve had a lot of amazing things happen in my life. But the one thing I’ve grieved the most with, specially with my addiction and Hollywood being a sex and love addict, the last 11 years of recovery is the loss and the grief of my old self of my past life. And I haven’t really talked about that. That process of losing who you used to be and becoming a new person with anybody ever before. So that’s why I wanted to come on and speak with you today.
Victoria Volk 02:30
So how would you say that you identified yourself as all those years before versus today?
Brianne Davis 02:37
I think the easiest way to explain it if you don’t understand addiction as I was a shell of a person, that I was never fully home, I think I lost myself very young, at the age of six. When I had molestation and a trauma, I think a part of me disconnected from myself. And then when I hit about 12 years old, it was the first time I cheated on a boyfriend, and like kissed another guy and my entire body, like disconnected from myself. And I almost remember like floating outside of myself and going Oh, that is the best high in the world. It’s the secret. It’s like exciting. And that is what I think the final cut from my core self. So from 12 until 27 I was an active sex and love addict. And I was always playing a role. I was always looking for outside things to fix me and my addiction mainly was people.
Victoria Volk 03:51
Because you didn’t understand how to give yourself the love that you needed, right? I don’t want to put words in your mouth but,
Brianne Davis 03:58
Yeah,
Victoria Volk 03:59
I don’t want to put words in your mouth but,
Brianne Davis 04:01
No, that’s beautifully said. I mean, I think that’s what people don’t understand about this addiction or any addiction really underneath. You know the drugs, the alcohol, the shopping, the eating, the gambling, the sex, whatever it is whatever ism you decide to use, and I believe everyone has a little ism where they don’t want to feel their feelings. But it’s the same thing. It’s fear of abandonment, fear of intimacy, fear of not being enough, no self worth, like low self esteem, no self love. And I didn’t realize now 11 years later in my recovery, that this is the first time in my life that I truly love myself where I can look in the mirror and love who’s looking back at me. But I have to tell you until probably a decade when I got my 10 years, I still miss the old me like there was parts I still miss
Victoria Volk 05:00
I’m gonna say a phrase to you and I want to, I want to get a feeling for I want to see how you feel about it. Trauma is what happens and grief is what’s left.
Brianne Davis 05:09
Totally, totally. I mean, when trauma happens to you, a part of you is taken away. And you are constantly mourning what was taken away from you, without your consent or without, we have no control over this life. And we want to believe that we do and unfortunately, when you realize you have no control, or you’re trying to get it, you’re always reaching for something to control. And that leaves grief because, you know, that is what’s left.
Victoria Volk 05:42
So, what has been the most helpful to you in finding the awareness of where all of that stemming from where the addiction stemmed from?
Brianne Davis 05:53
Well, like it took a really long time, and I’ll just give a little backstory of my process of getting into the program. And going through that because I didn’t know 11 years ago, I just felt, and I say this a lot I just felt like I was broken. And that I didn’t have that gene that could fully be intimate or fully connect to another human being I just thought I was like I was just missing I never wanted to get married I never wanted to have kids. I just kind of wanted to be this Enigma like you never knew what you’re gonna get. And that to me was so enticing and that’s what I really missed that like Miss mystery of myself of the fake self. I like to call it the attic self and the real self so the attic self, there’s this mystery, there’s this untouchable, you can never cry, I have secrets, you can never quite know me. And when I got into the program, I there’s these 40 questions if you think you’re, you know, struggling with addiction, or especially sex and love addiction, you can go online, and there’s these self diagnose question questionnaire and slot and you can fill it out. And I got my number was out of control. It was 38 out of 40. And I walked into the rooms on a Wednesday night and deep in the valley of Los Angeles. And I was with probably like 30 to 40 other people completely different from me. And I was listening to them. And I just started crying. And I didn’t cry because I was sad, I cried because for the first time in my life, I wasn’t broken. And I wasn’t alone in my struggles. And that was the really process of me digging deep and seeing why I did the things I did. And this took eight, nine years of therapy going twice a week. On top of working the steps, the 12 steps which took me almost 10 years, nine years to complete. And really digging my therapist used to tell me you have to dig through this shit, like internally to get to your gold. So whenever I was crying or going through withdrawal, I just kept telling myself you’re digging through this shit to get to your gold. So that process of looking back at the trauma because I didn’t remember the molestation. I’m looking back at you know, not having the tools to see what a healthy relationship is looking back at all the masks I put on to be another person to to be a false me and then putting my career which I become another person looking at like, why did I pick this career, there’s so much rejection. There’s so much abandonment, you’re used pretty much what you look like on the outside your product. And my therapist told me you pick the worst career for your addiction. And so the first year of my sobriety, I didn’t work, I couldn’t walk into a room and be a person when I wasn’t even a person. And I had to go through nine months of terrible withdraw crawling on the floor crying, the grief of shedding that false skin I was wearing my entire life. And that was the worst pain I can I don’t wish it on anyone. And when I got through with it at nine months, I literally woke up nine months and it lifted like this with pain lifted this grief. And I had this one moment before that happened where I sat in my bed and tears were falling down my face and my mouth was open. And it was like a snake of grief was coming up and I couldn’t close my mouth. I was like just bawling. And I looked at the clock and 45 minutes had passed when I finally stopped crying. So after that grieving process and shedding the skin, then I had to learn how to function and this new person and now I have so much peace and serenity, and I don’t look outside of myself to fill me anymore.
Victoria Volk 10:06
So, it does fill you up nowadays.
Brianne Davis 10:10
Well, I mean, doing this being on people’s podcast, having my podcast secret life telling, letting other people tell their secrets, every time I do an interview, the connection between me and another person and being transparent and vulnerable and authentic and not having any secrets has given me so much joy that I I was such if you knew me before I was such a selfish egotistical seeking, it was all about me and what you could do for me, and now being of service and at about other people, especially when they come on my show. That that just literally, I just it’s the best feeling in the whole world. And then my son, of course, I’m I’m married, I’m married to the same man I was with before the program, we’ve just celebrated 16 years together. But he doesn’t fill me here’s what the amazing thing is, he doesn’t fill me he doesn’t give me my self worth. He complements me, we’re partners, he brings out the best in me, he raises me up. And I say this a lot. And some people get angry. And I’ve gotten some messages, especially from husbands. But I say if my husband left me today, I would be okay. I’d be sad, devastated. I would, you know, losing someone you love is devastating. But he doesn’t complete me.
Victoria Volk 11:34
There is so much in that, that I resonate with and relate to. I was molested to as a child, my life kind of, you know, I went stopped relationships and sex and grief recovery. We call them sturms, the short-term energy relieving behaviors and I resorted to alcohol and all these things. And I’m one-year sober last November and so gradually, yes. Congratulations to you as well. I feel like there’s so much similarity stories and here’s the thing, like, you don’t have to be in Hollywood, you can be in rural America, you can everybody puts their pants on the same way.
Brianne Davis 12:16
Yep, we all die. We all die in the ground. We’re all the same. We’re, you know, I agree.
Victoria Volk 12:23
Yeah. And we experience life in its ups and downs. And, you know, the sorrow and the joy. And one thing you said that I want to come back to also is that I tell my husband, and I love that you said that. And I almost knew what you were going to say because I’ve said the same thing to my husband. It’s like, I don’t need you. But I want you. Yeah, that’s the difference. Yeah. So, I love that you brought that up. And, and I feel like if there’s people out there that feel like they need ask yourself, why do you need whatever it is? Why do you need alcohol? Why do you need a relationship or a man or a female in your life, or you know, whatever it is. So, thank you for bringing that up.
Brianne Davis 13:12
Yeah, because you don’t need anybody. Once you start filling yourself with your own love. Like you honestly, this is the work that no one can take away from me. Any job I get person that comes in my life, you know, money, all of that can be stripped away. But I still have this core thing that I will go to the grave with an eye, it’s mine and no one else’s. And that is something I never had before. You know, if you gave me a job, it was everything. If a man was in my life, it was everything. If I got like, nice clothes, it was everything our car, you know, and it’s just this is something you can do for yourself. That’s just for you.
Victoria Volk 14:00
I almost think of it like you’re Mr. Rogers. Except Mr. Rogers, you know, he changed a sweater. It’s like you just put on a different sweater when you’re looking at the outside world to like, Well, what do I want to be today? Or who do I want to be today? And who’s around me? And who’s going to influence which jacket I put on? You know?
Brianne Davis 14:20
Yeah, that makes sense.
Victoria Volk 14:22
So yeah, it’s finding yourself who you were before everything happened?
Brianne Davis 14:28
Yeah.
Victoria Volk 14:29
And that’s the thing with addiction to Would you agree that it’s when people are struggling with addiction, it’s no one really asks, well, what happened to you?
Brianne Davis 14:41
Because I feel like if you do the work, you get to that but most of the time an addict acting out doesn’t even know why they’re doing the things you do. So, the first thing is you have to strip it away. Like for me This is just if you’re listening out there, this is just my experience, you can take it or leave it, throw it out, take it with a grain of salt. But for me, like I had to strip everything away, I got rid of all my guy friends, I wouldn’t talk text or email any man whatsoever. If a waiter walked up to me, I would not make eye contact because I realized I was raping their energy. Even just a stranger, even just a guy, friend, I would use them in some way to get fulfilled, even if nothing romantic was happening. So I really just took away all male attention, everything you could think of and just stripped it down and said, like, I can do that if I do this, I only have to do it once. And then you bring it back in your life after you look at the why after you dig deep and see, why is this pattern keep playing out in my life? Why do I keep doing the same thing over and over again with different people? But the first thing you have to do is get rid of your ism, or you’re never going to figure it out, you’re never going to fully grieve, you’re never going to go through that withdrawal. And I did an interview the other day, where this doctor, I’m not gonna mention names. He was talking about a lot of addicts go and like run triathlons or take up, you know, like hiking or extreme mountain climbing something extreme because you have to when you take something away like an addiction, you have to put something in its place. So you don’t have to fully feel your withdraw. This is what he said. And I was thinking No, dude, you I didn’t argue with him. It wasn’t my show. But I was thinking like, No, you need to go through withdrawal, because you’re just substituting so you have everything, to then see the Y to then grieve the Y, and then get on the other side of it and rebuild yourself.
Victoria Volk 17:00
100% agree, because actually, that’s one of the myths of grief, replace the loss.
Brianne Davis 17:06
Right, you can’t.
Victoria Volk 17:08
Oh, yeah. There’s many, many, many, many, many therapists out there that are not versed in grief, like grief itself, in all the ways that we learn as children and how that influences our behavior as adults. So, let me ask you this, when you were a child, and I know you said you didn’t recall the molestation until much later as an adult, is that correct?
Brianne Davis 17:32
Yeah.
Victoria Volk 17:33
But as a child, how, how was grief was grief something and you said you had a lot of other loss. So how was grief talked about when you were a child? Or was it at all?
Brianne Davis 17:45
No, no, it wasn’t at all. And I talked about it. I have a book coming out. It’s called secret life of a Hollywood sex and love addict. And I really go into the moment I realized the molestation and I all I remember from it was like laying back in leaves. Like, I was fall time and I’m from Georgia, so a lot of leaves and all that. And I remember looking up at the sky, and like just seeing like the leaves fall. And that’s all I can remember from that moment. And when that came out of me, when I realized it was my therapist, I just it was like a guttural reaction. I it was like a beast was coming out of me letting it go. And doing that, I realized how much grief I was holding from my childhood that I never had words to go to. Another secret and I’ve come out with it recently is that I am dyslexic and I have ADHD. And I talked about this moment with my mother when I was four years old, trying to learn the alphabet and doing flashcards. And this, I was looking at her trying to help me and she was bawling her eyes out. And I never understood why I thought something like I was stupid and she was frustrated with me or she didn’t you know, like I don’t as a child if someone’s just crying and not explaining and not saying Mama’s just worried about you Mama’s wanting to help you and I don’t know how, you know, like putting words to it, talking about her grief with you know, the difficulty of helping a child learn which as I have a three year old now I understand it now and doing the work on it. But that was never talked about and that I carried that just until recently until I started writing the book because I my husband was like you need to write you need to write and I’m like, I’m not a writer. I’m dyslexic, like, I have I have ADHD, like I I switch words sometimes and He was like, come on, nope, you don’t have to tell anybody. And the book came out of me. The first draft came out in 45 days. And it was like, and I talked about that moment, and I and I really dig deep. And I realized my Well, my parents didn’t have a great marriage. They never talked about it, you know, they fought a lot. I’m not, they would say these things. And nobody ever talked about why or apologize for fighting in front. So, there was so much grief and loss in my family that nobody ever talked about. And I’ve been carrying it my whole life.
Victoria Volk 20:35
We do, because it’s it’s a photographic emotional memory. And I don’t know if you’ve ever read trauma, the body keeps the score.
Brianne Davis 20:44
I have read bits and pieces of that. Yeah.
Victoria Volk 20:48
It’s a tough read. It’s hard to read.
Brianne Davis 20:49
Yeah
Victoria Volk 20:50
I haven’t gotten through it myself but,
Brianne Davis 20:52
oh my god, there’s so many of those books that you start to read. And they recommend, and you can literally get through a page of it. And then I want to like throw it against the wall.
Victoria Volk 21:01
It’s really difficult to read. First, thank you for sharing all of that. Is that a common and you’re not the first actress that I’ve heard that he was dyslexic and chose to be an actress? Is that something that is common and not really talked about? And that because with acting, you can kind of live? Right?
Brianne Davis 21:24
No, people think that you can bear you can know, any television. Any movies you do cannot live unless it’s specifically like a Judd Apatow movie. They allow adlib certain directors at it. But usually when things are greenlit like, especially television shows and comedies, it’s word for word you have to remember, literally, they’ll stop you and say you forgot they Ayane. So, when I started acting, I didn’t talk about being dyslexic. My team didn’t know I was dyslexic. So, I would get an audition and it would be the next day. And I’d be and it’s just so you guys know, an audition is like nine pages. It’s not just like one or two pages, it’s nine pages. And if you’re dyslexic like me, you usually have to memorize it, because acting like a person looking down at lines and looking back up. It’s really hard for me, so I like to memorize it. So I really, you know, it took a while but I got the muscle where I could pick it up quickly. And then you know, the next day, I’ll forget it. But not many actresses are an actor’s I know Tom Cruise’s. There’s not there’s just like a handful of us. But it’s still very embarrassing. I mean, if you look at my scripts, if there’s certain last names that aren’t normal last names, I have to have someone tell me how to say it. And then I phonetically write it a different way because my brain sees it differently. So on all my scripts and everything, everything is crossed out and, and spelled differently and stuff. And I used to be really embarrassed about it, especially if I’d go and work with a director and he would look at my sides and it looks like a child did it. But I’m to the point now where I’m like, I don’t care. As long as I do my job, then who really cares, but it took a long time to get there for me.
Victoria Volk 23:24
And how, where did the confidence come from within you to even pursue that then?
Brianne Davis 23:31
I came from a mother which she is like no holds bar, workaholic. She’s like almost fearless. She was the breadwinner of the house. So, the the mom I came from, if you can imagine she was like a New York City. ballbuster. And, you know, with all her flaws, one of the things she instilled in me is like determination. So, if someone told me no, I would like find a way to make it a yes. And I think that’s what I got from my mom the willingness to keep going against all odds.
Victoria Volk 24:13
It’s amazing, because look how it transformed your life. But how much? And how much of that though, does it? When you look back then is it does it feel like almost a double-edged sword because did Hollywood kind of perpetuate then this addiction as well?
Brianne Davis 24:32
Yeah, that’s a question I love. I mean, I came to Hollywood with the addiction already. I’m not going to say it. But I will say I think at a very young age, I watched a bunch of movies and things I was too young. My parents like to watch Shakespeare movies, things that were way out of my I shouldn’t watch like my first movie I remember seeing was Romeo and Juliet. And I saw Michael whites by It’s the 1976 or 67, there’s my dyslexia, I can’t remember what year it was filmed. But I saw Michael White’s butt out at like six years old. And I remember thinking, Oh my God, that’s a nice ass like that was my thought. And then the next moment, I remember his thinking, Oh, that’s what true love looks like you meet in two days, and you’re willing, both of you are willing to die for each other, like, somebody’s got to drink poison, somebody’s got to stab themselves for it to mean true love. So I connected true love with death, or someone’s willing to die. And then I SAS. And definitely Hollywood has amplified that. I mean, going and, and shooting shows like six or Lucifer are True Blood, especially if there’s a love scene. When you walk on set, you have to automatically assume the position that that’s my husband, that’s my boyfriend. That’s the person I’m interested in, in the script. And I’m not a method actor. But when I get on set, I transform into the person. And then as soon as they say, cut, I break out of it. And I think for me, doing that, I also wore that. That girl thing where it’s like, I’m one of the boys, I can hang with you guys and talk about inappropriate stuff. And I just let it roll off my back. And I’m a cool chick. And really, underneath, I’m a scared little girl that was taken advantage of as a young age, you know, grew into my looks at, you know, 11 older men started hitting on me, you know, I didn’t on this, this was just genetics, it doesn’t mean anything about me. But when you’re a young girl and going into Hollywood, and then you’re getting that attention, it definitely it can warp your sense of what is right and what is wrong, and what is appropriate. And what’s inappropriate. So, I feel like Hollywood amplified it. But here’s the good thing. I was never in the Hollywood scene, I didn’t go after a man that were rich and powerful, because I wanted to have the power and control, so I didn’t get sucked into the Hollywood world, which I’m really grateful for. But I definitely made a lot of damage in my wake. And I had to make a lot of amends and I’m still making living amends to people.
Victoria Volk 27:29
And I’m, I imagine that a lot of shame, period, a lot of shame.
Brianne Davis 27:34
Yeah, I mean, for a long time, but the beautiful thing about walking through that grief, walking through that pain is then the shame is lifted, because that that’s not who I actually am. That’s something I did and I’m not proud of and I take there’s something about taking ownership of it and say I did wrong. And I promise never to do that again. And actually, walking that path, the shame, like lifts, and I, I it’s not attached to me anymore.
Victoria Volk 28:06
I feel like too, I think shame is something that perpetuates addiction kind of keeps people in addiction.
Brianne Davis 28:14
It’s that shame cycle, man. It’s like a coat, like you said, you just do the action or the drink or whatever, then you put on the shame coat. And then you start all over again, it’s like round a round circle.
Victoria Volk 28:27
Like to how you said, when you’re when you were writing your book, the process of writing your book, it was very obviously it was very therapeutic for you. And a lot of stuff came up and I wrote a book to and that had the same experience. I had the exact same, like, stuff came up that stuff. And I think it’s the power and writing and the power of writing our story. And people can do this at home, you don’t have to write for the intention of writing a book or for anyone else to read. You can just write your story.
Brianne Davis 28:57
Yeah, I mean, journaling is the best thing ever. And I did that I had notebooks and notebooks and notebooks full of those journals. And then I just throw them away because I didn’t want to look at them ever again. But yeah, for writing. I didn’t even know I was writing the book. I took this writing course for a book, and I was doing it as a memoir and it just transformed in this other thing and became you know, a fiction or Roma club fiction. I named her Roxanne after the police song. You know, she’s like, She’s like a model of me. But the beautiful thing is I started having dreams of her experiences and like it took bits and pieces of other people I know, and I made this whole other person that walks her first year of recovery and a lot of my story I would say about 60% 70 60% is my story and the other is like fictional or someone else’s story. And all the characters names are changed. You’ll never know who they are. You’ll never know which stories matter. I know what’s not. But when I was writing chapter five, six and seven I don’t know for you, but those were torture It was about like the why the main character D her main character defects, the one that was like tormenting her all that stuff I don’t know if you wrote about that but every time I had to rewrite chapter five, six and seven I just wanted to throw it over against the wall and give up I was like, oh, it literally felt like this. You know, did that happen for you?
Victoria Volk 30:35
Mine’s more of a memoir.
Brianne Davis 30:37
Oh yeah.
Victoria Volk 30:38
Yeah, I’m more of a nonfiction person but I look forward actually what I would love to read your book.
Brianne Davis 30:44
Oh my god, I would love it. I can send it to you. It comes out February 12 on Amazon Barnes and Nobles everywhere, but mine was a memoir, but I just switched it I felt like I for one I won’t get sued. Because there’s famous people in it and I don’t want anybody to ever know who I’m talking about even though you can try to guess. But yeah, it’s I decided to it’s it’s like a memoir and a self help book because I realized my first year of recovery I had I created these other 10 rules to live by and Roxanne uses those 10 rules and explains Yeah, and I just found myself like when I was writing it I realized every book I read while going through that first year was so educational and it was almost like daunting every time I did step work or read like love attic from pa melody and all these sex addict books and I wanted to write a book where like a normie or someone that’s not an addict can read it be entertained but also get the lessons and understand an addict and a sex and love addict and their their mental addict mind that just you know is out of our control.
Victoria Volk 32:04
I actually have to tell you this to my our when our first daughter was born, I have three kids so no middle ones four and a girl. I wanted to name her Roxanne, my husband said absolutely not. Every time I’d say her name, I think of that fleece song.
Brianne Davis 32:21
Because I could not think of her name. I could not I was like; I don’t know who this character’s name is. And the song came on and I was like, oh higher power. Thank you for giving me her name. And I tried to get the the rights to like write the song lyrics to describe it. And of course, it’s too expensive. So, I just wrote in the book I was like, sorry, it’s too expensive for the lyrics but it’s about you know, being slutty and wearing that dress and prostituting yourself or something like that I write so yeah, I love that your husband’s like no.
Victoria Volk 32:57
And I picture too I don’t even know like in the video but is Roxanne or redhead? Because I picture when I hear Roxanne I think of redhead.
Brianne Davis 33:06
Oh, sorry, all the redheads out there. No, I don’t know I haven’t seen that video. I was just on the radio. So I didn’t see that. I haven’t seen the video in a long time. So, I can’t remember but
Victoria Volk 33:20
but the vision of Roxanne in your book is she described as a redhead?
Brianne Davis 33:23
No, here you want to see the book cover? I just got for
Victoria Volk 33:29
Oh, blonde. Okay, well, it’s fitting. Yeah.
Brianne Davis 33:33
But the thing is, she could be anybody. And that’s what I say. And I say, You know that I could. She could be your mom, your sister, your, your friend, your cousin? like this could be anybody. And yeah, I made her blonde, obviously. Because I’m blonde. But um, yeah, she could be anybody. I mean, honestly, these stories are so universal. I’ve had a lot of people read them and a lot of people in my program and they were like, yep, yep. So I’m really proud of it. And I hope people enjoy it. And I hope they see you know, like, there is a way out of our crazy ness. Even if you’re not a full blown sex and love addict, if you’re in a bad relationship, if you’re with an unavailable person, there is a way out You do not have to be in something that doesn’t make you a good person. And that’s what I say when people walk in the room. If your relationships your friends, your family, your partner, whoever. If people in your life bring drama, and don’t show up for you, then there’s a problem.
Victoria Volk 34:39
Yeah, our environment is a is a reflection of our internal environment and a mirror for us that probably there’s something we need to work on within ourselves. One more I have one more question. So, what has your grief taught you?
Brianne Davis 34:56
Okay, first thing and this took real long-time people, but grief can actually be your best friend. Grief can show you that there are some growing you need to do there some transformation that needs to be taken taken. There’s some loss that needs to be let go of. And I didn’t realize that when shedding my old skin and shedding my old persona, that, yes, I will miss that person. Yes, there was something titillating to life. What is that word? There’s something amazing. Yes, thank you about living that existence. But I had to walk through that grief. And doing that has brought me so much peace and serenity and able to process grief without holding it in how I used to, because holding in grief, and trauma and shame and secrets and all the other things. That’s what causes disease, that’s what causes, you know, you to make bad decisions. And if I didn’t allow myself to feel that pain and that loss, then I would have never learned that and I would be on my deathbed alone, you know, not truly intimate with anybody not truly connected to another soul, and most importantly, not truly connected to myself.
Victoria Volk 36:25
So let me ask you, then. So, your husband, so he came into the picture before you went through the program stuff? So first of all, how did that relationship come about? And then secondly, do you feel like the inner work that you have done? Is what helped? probably helped him grow alongside you? Like, did he start doing his own inner work and things too, because, you know, it’s like, there’s this paradox, right? When we start growing and evolving, sometimes either people that love us and care about us, either they’re gonna come along for the ride, or they’re not. And obviously, your husband did. So how did that? What was that like for you?
Brianne Davis 37:08
Well, the beautiful thing, and I have to say, my higher power God universe picked a man before that was already in a 12-step program. He has been in a he just celebrated 32 years of recovery. So, I picked somebody that understood what addiction was. And I think that’s the blessing of something bigger than me picking him. And I just remember, we had this moment where our mentor died. It was before I went into the program, our mentor died. And I thought I was over the cheating, the intrigue, the flirting when him and I started dating, and because he’s like, the best person I’ve ever met, I loved him as much as I could love somebody. And if we weren’t together, I’d want to be his friends, like I really cared about him. So, when our mentor died, I found myself two days later on location in another city, about to blow up our relationship completely bolt, blow it up. And I remember sitting in my hotel room going, I thought I was done with this, like, something is wrong with me, it can’t be every other guy. It can’t be that the butterflies go away, like something’s really wrong with me. And reaching out to the therapist doing the work, walking into sex and love Addicts Anonymous. And growing that first year of recovery, going through withdrawal for the nine months, starting my step work, turning it over finding a God, all of that my husband, and I didn’t have sex for a year. Oh, he was my boyfriend at the time. But we didn’t have sex for a year. And we both taught a conversation that sounded something like this. Like, if I have to get healthy and it breaks up our relationship, then that was that’s what has to get done. If we don’t work out, that’s what has to get done. And we were both willing to let go of each other, for me to get healthy. And in the process of finding myself grieving and him not being able because we live together him not being able to like comfort me if I’m crying, we had a rule. If I was crying, he could not come and talk to me or comfort me. I had to go through it myself. And I think us honoring those boundaries and understanding that this was bigger than him and I that he and he’d worked his program and I worked my program and luckily, we both grew but grew closer and it’s brought us so much. You know we celebrated our 16 years together our we got married on on our 10 year anniversary and it’s just been I’m just so grateful to have him as a partner.
Victoria Volk 39:58
It’s beautiful. I love that.
Brianne Davis 39:59
Thank you.
Victoria Volk 40:01
Congratulations for all of you go through what you grow through. What’s that quote? I don’t remember what it is. It’s something about how we grow through what? I cannot think of it. Oh my gosh, edit that out.
Brianne Davis 40:18
It’s okay. We can add it.
Victoria Volk 40:20
Yeah, no, I just, it’s a beautiful story of self sacrifice and for the higher good of both people. And I think that when you are confident and secure within yourself, were willing to set your ego aside.
Brianne Davis 40:41
Yeah, definitely.
Victoria Volk 40:44
Yeah. Is there anything else that you would like to share?
Brianne Davis 40:48
Yeah, I just want to say to anybody that’s listening. If you identified with anything I say, and you need help, please reach out to me, you can DM me? on Instagram, I try to answer everybody’s DMS it’s at the Brianne Davis, I can point you in the right direction, I can help you find meetings, that you do not have to do this alone. If you know you’re struggling with another addiction I or grieving a loss or suicide attempts. On my podcast, secret life, we talk about that a lot. There is help out there. And the first thing I always like to say is talk to somebody, talk to somebody you trust, you know, just say, I feel this way, I’m going through this pain because you are not alone. There’s so many people around the world feeling the exact same way. And I think that if we all band together and talk about it, then it takes the stigma away and we start healing and helping ourselves get through that pain, that trauma, that grief, that shame that secrets, whatever. So yeah, I just you know, get help at talk to a therapist, get to a program. There is so much help out there.
Victoria Volk 41:59
And be open to it be open to receiving I think that’s so hard too is when you feel like when you have self worth is issues, it’s really difficult to receive an ask, especially if you’ve been burned before, like you asked for help. And then it’s not the help. That was probably the right thing at the time. I think when when the teacher student is ready, the teacher appears totally agree grief recovery to its we as a society, we grew up learning to grieve alone. And the society does not know how to talk about grief. And, you know, be a heart with yours for people. So that’s why we grief alone.
Brianne Davis 42:36
Yeah, it’s probably too painful sometimes even for me, when you don’t know how to help someone that’s grieving. You then pull back and instead of opening up and leaning into like, I’m here, I don’t know how to help you. But I’m here if you need to talk if you need to be quiet, if you just need to cry, and I think just showing up that way can help so many others.
Victoria Volk 43:02
Absolutely. I think we’ll end on that.
Brianne Davis 43:03
Great.
Victoria Volk 43:04
Thank you so much for being here. I will put all of the things you mentioned in the show notes when you reach out to Brianne and her book and all of that. And remember, when you unleash your heart, you unleash your life. Much love.