Takeaways & Reflections | Resiliency vs Self-Reliance

 

SHOW NOTES SUMMARY:

Through childhood grief and trauma, we are greatly shaped and influenced by the experiences we go through well into adulthood.

I reflect on Nicky’s episode, where he shares what life was like growing up as a child of artificial insemination and growing up in an LGBTQ home. We talked a lot about personal growth and how growing up surrounded by diversity helped him be accepting of all people.

Sandi’s episode brought up how child sexual trauma can bring about intangible losses such as loss of trust, safety, and trust. Not to mention, a loss of faith.  Together, we also share how Grief Recovery helped both of us address what was emotionally incomplete, as well as explain why our childhood experiences impact our future.

Resources:

Thank you for tuning in to Episode 33, takeaways and reflections resiliency versus self reliance. After conducting more than 20 podcast interviews, many of which have not yet gone live, I’ve connected a few dots. Every guest has had in common the one thing they held on to and that’s hope. In Episode 31 Niki Scorpio shared his grieving voice of what it was like to be an artificial insemination child. He was then raised in an LGBTQ home with his mom and his mom, his partner, his biological father ended up dying of AIDS. Although he didn’t go into that aspect of his story in depth, I can place myself in his shoes. And imagine the confusion that must have added to his already present pain, and how conflicting, those feelings were. The conflicting feelings we feel within the context of relationships as grief. We can love and care about someone. However, if they continually betray our trust, don’t respect our boundaries or manipulative. What we’re left with are the feelings that are opposite of love and care. We may feel betrayal, anger, and resentment. Nikki could have easily felt all these things, not saying he did but the choice others make, particularly in a parental situation directly impact the children. I can say that I wasn’t happy about the decisions that were made after my dad passed. However, as children, we don’t have a choice but to go with the punches.

We find a resiliency and self reliance because we’re forced we’re forced to as children, not because we choose it. Nikki rolled with the punches of his childhood as he grew up in a predominantly poor area of Berkeley, California. His mom worked many jobs, including a school teacher, which love and light to all the fantastic teachers out there! To get them out of that area and into a better neighborhood. Diversity was something Nikki brought up that I gathered was very influential for him from different cuisine, personalities and the things his mom shared about other cultures, and the people they met where they lived, he learned acceptance of all different backgrounds. Perhaps growing up a non traditional way and realizing this as a teenager, helped pave the way and shape his beliefs around diversity as an adult. Nikki has a very open and accepting aura and presence about him, which I appreciated. So much. So I even suggested he looked into becoming a grief recovery specialist. It’s a profession that isn’t for everyone. However, I just got a certain vibe that his pain helps him bring compassion and empathy to others.

The Helping Children with Loss Program

And perhaps I also feel this way because it’s very obvious to me how underserved the LGBTQ community is too. I can also be more comfortable asking for help from someone who has lived a similar experience. That being said as an empath, and empathy being my number one strength and Gallup testing, which I’ll reference in the show notes. If you’re not sure what that is, I’m more than open to working with anyone regardless of their loss. I feel more than comfortable with holding space for and listening to and working with people from all walks of life. Considering they’re more than 40 plus losses, you likely don’t have just one to work through either. That being said I have a soft spot for veterans as I’m a veteran with a family history of veterans. And because I’m big into prevention, the helping children with Loss Program is near and dear to my heart. This program is available in a group format online as well. It’s a four week program where we meet one evening per week, and it is for the adult caregivers and caretakers of children. This program applies to daycare providers, headstart programs, parents, foster parents, adoption agencies, parents adopting school counselors and more.

If you’re interested in learning more about the helping children with Loss Program, there will be a link in the show notes to connect with me. Or you may email me at [email protected]. And the episode Nick mentioned the unlearning he had to go through. As an adult, he began to put together the pieces of his childhood anger. He tied it back to the bullying, the upheaval of having to move to a new school and neighborhood. Despite it being for the best, and realizing that other kids were figuring out his home life different from theirs. Next voice around cancel culture diversity for balance, and curiosity made me feel like he was speaking my language. There has been a massive shift over the past year, we’re seeing how people are exercising their right to share their voice, through movements such as Black Lives Matter. Me too, and with LGBTQ rights as well. In the process, however, there is this cancel culture happening to regardless of the movement or who is up for election, I agree with Nikki that diversity is vital in maintaining a balance.

Confusion and Fear

There is so much injustice in the world and so much sorrow in the news. Must we add to it by squashing the opinions or thoughts of others? I am passionate about grief education. I do have opinions about things shared online about grief that is in truth more harmful than helpful. However, it’s not my place to cancel anyone else opinions out. And I hope to receive the same respect. I may not be your cup of tea and that’s okay. And you may not be ready to do the deep inner work either. And likewise, that is okay. However it is Oh, it always brings sadness to my heart. When I hear that because I know how long I needlessly suffered. I did that to myself. No one else did that to me. And that’s where we all should consider flipping the script. Like my friend Nikki did and my dear friend supporter and mentor Sandy Derby did as well. Sandy shared her traumatic experience of sexual abuse by her father, followed by satanic ritualistic sexual abuse by her uncle, a pastor and his friend, also a pastor. Can you even imagine the confusion and fear you would grow up within that situation? It’s heartbreaking and horrifying. No child should ever have to go through sexual abuse of any nature, much less at the hands of someone who is supposed to be your protector, and also by other family and clergy who use that power, not in the name of God but against him.

The wounds and scarring that Sandy had to unpack our where she and I connected. You see, I had my grief and trauma to deal with and together we were a heart with yours for one another. She was my partner when I got certified in the method as I went through the method myself. She was there for advanced training. Also working through her stuff to going through the process yourself is a requirement to become a specialist. There’s no ifs, ands or buts about it. The greatest lesson I have learned throughout the past seven years of my healing journey is that we heal only to the depths we are ready and willing to go. And as I’ve been willing to go deeper, the healing has also become more transformative and life changing. We get from point A to point B and healing when we’re open to doing the work, fulfillment, joy, an overall happiness will not be yours until as a griever you understand this disk group take time. Yes, absolutely. How much of your life are you willing to put on the backburner though? Moving on is not a disservice to your loved one. Moving on is not dishonoring their memory. Moving on is also not about more stuffing and avoidance. Moving on is about real recovery from the emotions that leave you incomplete and stuck in the past.

As Sandy said in her episode, you can’t run from the past. You can’t run from who you are. The past is always right there with you until you address it. It wasn’t until Sandy had a life altering literal come to Jesus moment. She shared God had spoken to her. She had become a daily meth user for three and a half years. A terrifying domestic situation was the catapult for that God moment that resulted in a transformation story you will have to hear for yourself. Sandy also talks about praying as in grieving. Neither prayer nor God alone can rid us of all of our sorrow. We are co creators with God and we choose with our free will to either move our feet or lie in bed and give up. The point in healing isn’t to dig up the past. There’s nothing to dig up. Like Sandy said in her Episode The past is always there, we can’t run from it. So you can’t dig something up that’s always been there. Guaranteed the feelings you have of being emotionally incomplete with the relationship show up in other areas of your life. Our external lives are a reflection of our internal experience. The more healing one does internally the more joy and fulfillment one experiences in the external or physical reality.

I know this to be true for myself, and I believe Sandy and Nikki would both agree. I’ve said this before, and I’ll repeat it. Grief is cumulative, and it’s cumulatively negative. Likewise, healing is cumulative, and it’s cumulatively positive. And anything that we do to nurture our spirit healing and overall wellness is a step in a positive direction to whole self living. No one wants to live a subpar life. And the power lies in every one of us to take our life by the horns. However, taking our life by the horns is challenging when the past keeps showing up in a cyclical pattern that blocks progress. I can speak to my experience and how grief changed over the years, and how it showed up in my life. I want to read the caption to a post I shared on social media that shares my experience with how grief changed through the decades. It reads, grief looks like difficulty making decisions, impulsive decisions, and ability to get out of bed. difficulty sleeping, risky behavior, frequent doctoring, trust issues, chronic illness, isolation, loss of faith, I’m fine, and addiction. There are no stages of grief. That’s misinformation. I believe there are phases of it instead in terms of how our lives reflect where we’re at or in our grief.

How Grief Changed Over Time

Grief in my teen years looked a lot like this anger. bringing alcohol, trust issues, lack of deep connection with others, isolation problems with food where I would teeter totter between making myself throw up to eating very little irritable bowel syndrome diagnosis, difficulty getting out of bed, school tardiness, to name a few. Grief for my young adult years book like unhealthy codependency relationships, angry outbursts, lack of self control, alcohol abuse, work tardiness, multiple speeding tickets and fender benders, affection seeking lack of depth, depth and connection with myself and others. In decision approval seeking no faith, life and spiritual practice. I felt like my life was destined for disaster, but I didn’t know how to jump off the train wreck. I sought help which didn’t help. And I lacked someone holding me accountable for my actions and calling me out on my shit. Grief in my 30s manifested very differently. 30 years post the death of my dad. I was doctoring a lot for fibromyalgia like symptoms was dealing with hair loss, bowel issues. I even had colon polyps removed at the age of 32. And migraines, difficulty sleeping, financial issues, self worth issues, menstrual issues, scary postpartum symptoms.

I literally thought I was going crazy. I felt out of my mind, and like my body was waging war against me. Grief in my 40s was where everything changed. My 39th birthday was the start of a turning point. enough was enough. It was a final straw loss the month before my birthday that brought up all of the loss and trauma that occurred before it. I chose to follow my intuition towards something to help me put the past to rest. And so far, I’ve experienced more breakthroughs, growth, spiritual awakening, life purpose and alignment in my life than ever before. There are different types of Grievers out there, that long haulers like me, which aren’t Not to be confused or compared to COVID suffers, and some may have found themselves experiencing the loss of someone close for the first time. The key distinction between the two those that many long haul are great long haul Grievers don’t believe they’ve had grief playing a role in their lives. If you’ve experienced loss and trauma as a kid, I assure you, you have grief that’s followed you into adulthood. That is unless you received helpful mental health support and intervention early on when the experience took place. For many like myself, that doesn’t happen. When you hear that, how is your grief changed over time? How has it transformed and how it shows up in manifestation? Physically and externally.

Addiction & Shame

We have a lot of unlearning to do as adults, as Nicky’s and Sandy’s episodes both beautifully illustrate. The big question is, are you ready to unlearn? And if not, how much time is too much to pass? When it comes to whole body health and wellness, we need to address the physical and mental body in the spiritual and emotional body as well. Addressing only the physical aspect will find you repeating the same behaviors that first led to the physical issues like body image or chronic illness in the first place. Likewise, if we only manage the mental without digging into the emotional. Logic will win over the heart every time. It’s likely why you keep saying no to programs like grief recovery, that could be the transformative answer you’ve been searching for too. I was a certified grief recovery methods specialist in March 2019. In November of that same year, I gave it up cold turkey by utilizing grief recovery tools and working on the relationship I had with alcohol. People who know me may rebuke that and say, well, you weren’t an alcoholic. I would have agreed with that before grief recovery. However, after grief recovery, I know that it was an addiction like anything else.

I was a binge drinker that didn’t know when to stop. That was always an issue for me. I also used alcohol to feel comfortable in my own skin. I didn’t feel like who I was was enough. I needed to be the happy go lucky fun friend that people enjoyed being around. However, what I became was obnoxious, the opposite of who I am. I am sure I was fun too. But I spent many many days paying for it. Alcohol always made me feel very ill no matter what I drink, and I would need a good two days to recover from a weekend bender. I carried a lot of shame to my kids saw me many times hung over more times than I care to count on days where parenting felt overwhelming, including weekdays, it wasn’t unusual that I would drink a bottle of wine before supper. When I would grill I would have a couple of drinks and a buzz going. But by the time we sat down to eat, and I also drove more times than I should have while intoxicated. Something I had to face head on in my shame as well. Because I didn’t only go alone, there are many times I drove drunk with my kids in the vehicle. And I hit all of this very well. Shame is a massive driver for continual harmful behavior that we inflict on ourselves. The mom wine culture that perpetuates this idea that women or parents need alcohol to cope with life is a disastrous message to send. I used to be in that click too.

Fortunately, I didn’t have to learn the most horrifying impact and lesson of my decisions. So if you’re listening to this an alcohol is how you’re coping. Ask yourself what I asked myself. Why do I think I need booze to feel blank? insert whatever word resonates with you. If you’re saying to yourself, you don’t need it, then the next question to ask yourself is then why don’t I eliminate it from my life?. Or perhaps stick to the commitment of one and done. My journal through these questions in thought a lot about the message around alcohol that I want my kids to receive because growing up in small town, rural America, there isn’t much to do. I grew up in this area too. And that’s what kids did. Back when I was growing up and they still do they go to parties. Now I’m not naive to the fact my kids will never drink or even try it. But by having the conversation and setting an example, I’m doing my part and holding up my end of the bargain of what I signed up for when I chose to become a parent and that is to lead by example. This realisation was not an easy thing for me to come to. And again, I had to work on that relationship to alcohol because it truly is a relationship. Grief recovery helped me transform it and rid me of the shame, guilt and beliefs I carried about myself as a mom, woman, friend and spouse because of alcohol. No matter the vise in your life, whether it be anger, meth, alcohol, we all have them.

much love, victoria

P.S. I hope this episode sheds light on just how much unlearning you may have to do. Whatever healing modality keeps nudging at you. I hope that you’re open to being led resiliency and self reliance that so many child Grievers are equipped with, or no reason to not seek help. Your greatness awaits on the other side of your pain. Trust me. And until next time, when you unleash your heart, you unleash your life. Much love.

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