David Woods Bartley Part II: The Practical Pieces of Suicide Prevention and More
SHOW NOTES SUMMARY:
**This episode is Part II – Listen to Part I HERE*
David is a mental health speaker, educator and holds certifications in Mental Health First Aid for adults and youth, SafeTALK (Suicide Awareness for Everyone), and the suicide prevention technique known as QPR (Question, Persuade, Refer), which he mentions in this episode.
In Part I, David shared his story around a day like no other – the day he was going to end his life jumping off of the Foresthill Bridge in California, the 4th highest bridge at 730 feet. A passerby followed their intuition and called 9-1-1 and, his life was saved that day. But, that was only the beginning of his lifelong battle with clinical depression.
As he describes it, David found his way from “mental hellness to mental wellness.” Through his experience of owning and operating a non-adoption animal sanctuary where he and his then-wife took in animals that were sick, lame, or old – he relates his life through stories of working with the animals and what they taught him over the years.
- In Part II, David shares some practical advice for loved ones who witness someone suffering from suicidal ideation and depression and two thoughts: what I call myths of suicide prevention.
- We talk about the role forgiveness played in his life and road to mental wellness and how he’s found his way from self-loathing to self-love (which, for him, has been an ongoing challenge).
- Through the storytelling, he helps the topic of depression, suicidal ideation, and mental health overall be more relatable and helps others to see those struggling with more compassion.
Some of my favorite “Wisdom-Drops” from David in both episodes:
- “People don’t die of mental illness,’ David says, ‘they die from hopelessness.”
- “Connection creates hope. And, hope saves lives.”
- “Sometimes, what hurts the most cannot be seen. And sometimes, what helps the most is easy to do.”
- “Four words that changed my life [as said by my psychiatrist]: It’s not your fault.”
- “If people don’t feel connected, the door stays shut.”
- “Without mental health, there is no health.”
- “Hope awakens harmony.”
Resources from both episodes:
- David Woods Bartley TEDx Talk: How Connection Saved My Life
- Krista Tippett – TEDx Talk on Compassion
- Johann Hari – TEDx Talk: Everything You Know About Addiction is Wrong
- Dr. Rachel Naomi Remen, author – Kitchen Table Wisdom
- Dr. Paul Quinnett & the Q.P.R. (Question, Persuade, Refer) Technique
- Grief Recovery Method
Connect with David:
Victoria Volk 00:08
Hey there. Before we get into this week’s episode, I just want to give a reminder that this is part two. Part One went live last week, the full interviews with David Woods Bartley, He is an educator in suicide prevention, and shares his story through his own experience in this week’s episode, where he talks about how you can’t drag someone from mental health illness to wellness but gives practical tips about what you can do. He also talks about how suicide isn’t the most preventable, preventable death, kind of the myths around that. And some other things you mentioned as well, but we also dig into forgiveness and the role that it played in his life. And he also shares this beautiful quote that I want to share with you right now. It’s by Dr. Drew Ramsey, a psychiatrist and he said, someone you see today, your smile, your question, your love could save them. Trust me, they told me it did. This is a very info packed episode as well as part one, I hope you listen to them both. If you want to reach out to David, you can find him on his website at davidwoodsbartley.com. I’ll also put David’s contact information in the show notes as well as all the resources mentioned in this episode, and the last one, enjoy. And thanks for listening. You know, one of the saddest things for me is to witness people who don’t see their own magnificence. don’t even see their own potential. And I think the status thing, I’m getting emotional, the status thing about it is that so many lives are snuffed out that who knows what they could have been? Yeah. And I think of especially kids. You know, when I reached out to you it was, we learned of a suicide in my area of a ninth grader. And, and I was actually the day that I emailed you.
David Woods Bartley 03:01
Really?
Victoria Volk 03:01
Yes. The day that I emailed you, after I emailed you, I heard of that I learned of that suicide, and it just makes me incredibly sad. How do you help someone see their own magnificence in their own potential?
David Woods Bartley 03:17
It’s, it’s really hard. I mean, one of the things that I tell people is, and here’s the question I get, it’s a variation of what you just asked me, Victoria is, I have somebody that I love, and they, they they’re not willing to help. And I say, here’s the thing, you cannot drag somebody from illness to wellness, you can you can take them, you can force him to go to a doctor’s appointment and stand over him to happen take meds, but it’s not gonna work. I mean, there’s no longevity. And so I think to go back, and in the midst of somebody’s pain, it’s the initial step before we go solution oriented. And that’s our, our loving intent or altruistic motivation. I think first, it’s to create the space to understand the depth of despair that they feel. And again, that may sound counterintuitive. But until we clear that out a little bit way, a little way, there’s no way they can see them like that we have to park the clouds a little bit. And the only way I think we can do that is to allow them to express and then the follow up if we can do that. The follow up is in what are the circumstances what’s going on in which you feel good by what’s happening? And then they’re gonna say, well, for me, it was working with the animals and I’m like, wow, what, what’s it like? Like, can you tell me a story? Can you do anything? And you say, Okay, well, you know, with Joshua, what was it like in that moment? When you held Joshua at this man gave him to you? It’s almost indescribable. I said, you know, do you think what did you have to do with that? I mean, how did you participate? I mean, I guess you didn’t have to take that dog. Right? Yeah. So, one of the things that might below psychiatrists, Dr. C has suggested because I still have these negative cognitions. And they come on a regular basis, not my beloved in my former wife, amazing. My beloved summers amazing. Summer is particularly interested; she hates to see me suffer. And so, what she’ll do is she’ll say, okay, honey, I want you to write down the top five, negative cognitions, that you’re having worthless, not gonna be a good dad, whatever they are. So, say, okay, she listens in this profound way. And then she’ll say, Okay, I hear you. Alright, I think she’ll say, well, I saw you do this, right? And then didn’t you do this, and then you took a short outline what she’s confronting the negative cognitions with just factual statements. And it’s incredibly effective. It is unbelievable. And I keep all them because the negative cognitions will come back. So, I bring that into an answer here that I think one it’s important, just like with summer, what summer does is, let’s first we need to express what is what’s the negativity that’s holding us down right now. And then, to change the conversation to potentially allow somebody to just catch a glimpse of a different perspective, just a little bit of a glimpse. And then maybe explore it a little bit better, or just a little bit more to say, what, okay, here’s what I saw. You know, what do you think about that, you know, there was one that like, I’m never going to be, I’m not going to be a good enough provider and everything else. And so someone says, Well, I think right now you pay for our cell phones, right? Yeah, I do. And then you pay for this right now. And then the other month, you paid for our electric bill and these other things, he says, you know, for me, that’s indication of somebody providing for a family, it is so incredibly effective at changing and really taking dismantling those negative cognitions doesn’t mean that negative cognitions are going to come back. But in that moment, the relief is almost indescribable.
Victoria Volk 07:04
Giving you proof of the opposite being true.
David Woods Bartley 07:07
Exactly. And we can’t do that alone. It’s impossible. I can’t I don’t think we can. You know, we need solitude, but solitude to choice, isolation is not. And so, we need to have time to meditate to contemplate whatever. But we also need the help of other people and for as 57 years old, as middle-aged man, like it’s okay to ask for help. But it’s impossible to become well, it’s impossible to resolve grief, in my opinion, alone. I don’t think he can do it.
David Woods Bartley 07:40
I can’t be mentally healthy alone. It’s impossible.
Victoria Volk 07:43
The healing community for sure.
David Woods Bartley 07:48
Exactly. And hopefully I think, you know, the juxtaposition in terms of the anks in the despair that’s going on now, that is hallmarked by isolation. More and more than I realize, okay, really the only answer to this the simple answers is be connected. You know, you got to be.
Victoria Volk 08:05
On the national news that no, no the other night. I don’t know if you saw it, but they showed it was like a before and after picture of elderly in, in long term care facilities. And it was, it was just, I mean, just Google it. It was on NBC News. But the before and after of a matter of just like, with COVID the I couldn’t even believe the pictures. It was like two different people like one in particular I’m thinking of her face was full. She had you know, color and her cheeks and was smiling. And the next one, it’s like, she was on her side her cheeks sunken in, she was on her deathbed. And isolation is taking so many people too soon.
David Woods Bartley 08:55
Wow. This is you know, I think the monster is licking his chops. And this is exactly what he wants. This is a it’s exactly so we had a one of the horses that came to the sanctuary of his horse named big cloud, he was this beautiful village, smaller Quarter Horse jetblack. He had grade in the face. It’s beautiful. And well, what has happened was some I’ve used this word liberally person had entice big cloud into a trailer, probably with some sweet gray writing, taking them away from where it was, and so big clouds but I think I’ll go for a ride or whatever. Well, this person moves him out Victoria to this desolate place brings takes the cloud out of the trailer and then drives away leaves there to die. And I think that that’s you know, it’s interesting. It’s a paradox that I know a lot of people, a lot of people I’ve heard it’s not uncommon to hear from people who suffer from schizophrenia and hearing voices that at the beginning, the voices are, they’re friendly, they’re supportive, they’re causing depression at the beginning. There is a certain familiarity and comfort around it. It’s kind of It’s weird. be heard. And so I mentioned that because I think that that’s the sweet grain that these maladies entice us into this vehicle. But ultimately, they transport us to isolation and leave us to not. Now in big clouds case, by the grace of life, a ranger in his non regular route discovered this horse, likewise, this horse here and he came to live with us and lived an amazing life fell in love with Dolly. Dolly was this older white Arabian, oh my god, he was so smitten. And you know what’s interesting about that, so they were always together, Dolly Dodd. And Deanna in her brilliance, she allowed big cloud to just stay on this week, the render, we couldn’t do anything with her body for like four days. So, she was covering everything else. Victoria, big cloud stayed with her the entire time never left. And when the rendering truck came to take her body where we had DNS, and we need to let cloud be here, and so he saw her body be taken away. And then he stayed in the pasture for a while. And then at one point after time, he went back to the other pasture and stood at the gate saying, you know, I’m ready to rejoin her. So, it was solid at the sanctuary so many different times in which animals so openly revealed and expressed and then ultimately resolved their grief that they didn’t, they didn’t try to avoid it. Just like okay, we’re gonna delve into it head on. And I think in that regard, they were very mentally well, and you know, it’s funny because looking back now, DNI had established a whole person care system for the animals because we cook for him, we have practitioners come to their body was taken care of their psychological being was was supported in a safe environment. And then they were connected. They had a foundation, albeit a spiritual certainty about what was going on. And so, I think that model, if we transpose it, or transfer it to as an example for human wellness, that’s it.
Victoria Volk 12:07
Learn from nature, right?
David Woods Bartley 12:10
Oh, man, I mean, even talk about some working on a book. It’s funny. just laugh at the title. It came from life didn’t come from me. So, book is they pooped, we scooped unexpected wisdom picked up, sank in an animal sanctuary.
Victoria Volk 12:28
Sounds like a movie.
David Woods Bartley 12:31
These are there’s all these different stories.
Victoria Volk 12:35
There is though, is there a movie based on a true story of a man that opened an an animal sanctuary?
David Woods Bartley 12:42
No, no, yeah, there’s I think there’s a couple one is think didn’t mess, Matt Damon played in the one.
Victoria Volk 12:50
Here we opened an animal sanctuary, I think that was leaving the title.
David Woods Bartley 12:56
There’s some amazing people who are doing great work and sanctuaries, all over the, you know, the granddaddy of them all his best friends in Utah, they have somewhere close to 3000 animals. There’s another one in New Hampshire called rolling dog, which is incredible. They take special needs animals. There’s a great place in Southern California called gentle barn. There’s an organization that used to be in California in New York, called Farm Sanctuary. So and then, especially in the dog, world, dog and horse in particular, there there is hundreds upon hundreds of small independent rescue organizations that come to be because of an individual’s love for a particular role. I guarantee there’s a havanese rescue, certainly our Boston Terrier rescues and everything. And these people work, basically with no money. And they, they’re tireless because they want to help this these beings that means so much to him. So a lot of our animals came from different frontline rescue organizations, when they had an animal that was almost impossible to adopt, because we didn’t know adoption. So, they would give us the old ones and the sick ones. And so, there are great people out there doing amazing work.
Victoria Volk 14:11
How did you move beyond that grief of losing that thing that was so important to the sanctuary? I mean, and your spouse? I mean, at the time, too, I mean, you lost everything.
David Woods Bartley 14:24
Oh, it was. Yeah, I’m still processing it. I still. And you know, it’s interesting, Victoria, it’s, you know, again, our timing, I just realized this at the moment I in particular, and I’m sure there’s some part of the COVID thing I also think in an ongoing commitment. The one thing I’ll give myself credit for is to be incredibly consistent on self care. that some of the other things have been processed and moved away and so like you had talked about there’s there’s some, I mean, we all I shared with you we had 90 animals dying 20 years I mean, it was so busy, sometimes an animal would die. In the morning, and then another new one would come in the afternoon because there was so few places for the type of animals in that state would come. And so, right, it’s just finishing last couple months, like the grief around the sanctuary in the loss to say, tan. And so I try to remember, grief has arrived, not to annihilate me, but to support me, to allow me to cry a lot. I write different stories, when I tell these stories about the animals, I still have shame around the fact that I lost everything. And that is dangerous, because then that can, the monster can grab ahold of that. So I would love to say that I have processed all my grief, but there are some parts, you know, I may continue to grieve for maybe the rest of my life. And you know, I don’t say that in a debilitating way. It’s just, it’s really, you know, to have something in which I thought was going to be the rest of my life to have it be taken away. It’s That’s hard. Yeah, really, really difficult. But thankfully, I don’t, I don’t endeavor I, I am working my way through with a lot of people now like in with you, that I get to have this beautiful relationship with you, somebody I can talk specifically about grief work.
Victoria Volk 16:26
Well, and I don’t think we necessarily ever arrive unless we become the monks. You know, I think we’re always going to be processing and peeling back the layers and kind of really learning how to unlearn a lot of the unhelpful and hurtful things that we put in our backpacks. You know, growing up as children, because actually, this circles back to a point that I actually wanted to bring up is that when trauma doesn’t have to be molestation, right, sexual abuse, anything like that, and I want to circle back to that, because one of the very first losses children often have is a pet loss. Right? So, coming back to like, you know, Animal Sanctuary and things like that, that can be traumatic for a child. And pet loss and miscarriage are two of the most minimize losses. And so, what is a parent’s first instinct when the child loses a pet? was okay, Johnny, we’ll get another one. Right, David, let’s just go to the pet store, we can get another one. Not really acknowledging and let the child process and share how they their feelings of losing the first pet that they felt connection to. Right, right. Let’s just replace it. So that’s the very first lesson most of us receive as children about how to process grief. We don’t process it, we just replace it with something else. Right? Something else to make us feel better, right?
David Woods Bartley 17:55
I agree. 100%. And I think not to shame myself, and I can without it being an excuse. I think how busy DNI were, I mean, on the one hand, you could say, well, didn’t you do that? Didn’t you just replace them? And say no, I mean, I think was different. And I think one of the things you know, both Deanna and I would agree, the sanctuary became too big. And you know, we should have topped Captain at a certain amount. Maybe there would have been spaces in our, in our life at that point to be able to process loss. And every animal that that transition did so in an incredibly dignified, beautiful manner, it was there was a ceremony and this beautiful accord, and they were, I used to tell the animals, okay, here’s your job, you know, your job is to be adored. That’s it. That’s all you got to do. And so they were cared for and loved in ways that were extraordinary and passed in their own time. And just the remnants of it, you know, remain on me. It’s, it is it is hard, but I know grief is not here to beat me up. No grief in you and I talked about this, it’s, it sounds almost weird, but grief is my friend.
Victoria Volk 19:08
It’s my teacher. It’s been my teacher.
David Woods Bartley 19:11
Yeah, it’s, you know, and then you know, grief of losing my father grief of losing my innocence, all these different things that, you know, there’s so many aspects of grief and like trauma is trauma and grief is grief. It’s all individualized, it’s personal. It doesn’t something that doesn’t traumatize me Can traumatize you. Doesn’t, you know why? And so we need to just be accepting and there’s no timetable for healing of trauma, or healing of grief. Take as long as you need.
Victoria Volk 19:35
Time just passes. It’s the action you take in time that matters.
David Woods Bartley 19:41
You know, what, between the two dashes in terms of dates, time we live in a time.
Victoria Volk 19:47
Is there anything else? I mean, I feel like this was such a very, very deep good conversation.
David Woods Bartley 19:55
Oh, I just I’m so blessed that we’ve connected.
Victoria Volk 19:59
I feel like there needs to be too Like a part two or something?
David Woods Bartley 20:02
I have a lot more stores there is this saying I would highly recommend Johanns TED Talk is. And he tells the story, this goes back the whole thing of connection that this was a scientific study that we’ve all heard of it that, you know, they put a rat in a cage and there was a bottle of cocaine laced water and regular water rat always went to the cocaine loweswater killed himself, like, Oh, my God, that’s what humans are doing. Somebody came along later and said, Hold on, rats are very social, you’ve isolated this being. So they recreated the experiment. And so they made like rat topia, there were other rats that were hills, there were tunnels, there was food, and there was water, and the same two bottles, didn’t drink cocaine, didn’t really make sense because they were connected. They’re part of a tribe. So you know, we, especially around grief, as somebody takes what we would consider in our, in my ignorance, what’s taking me too long, not so much now, but it’s taking you too long to get over. This. Doesn’t matter how long it takes, it’s okay. But if we, if they feel misunderstood, they’re going to retreat. And then they’re going to fall back into the caustic arms of the monster. And there’s where be like, it’s kind of like big cars going into that. That horse trailer. There’s a certain bizarre enticement, and nobody understands me. But this feeling of despair, if nothing else is familiar. And there’s a certain comfort because I know what it feels like I can hang out here because nobody understands. But people think I’m being stupid people. People don’t understand that I can’t get out of bed, because depression is literally weighing me down. Why am I crying? I can’t do my job, or whatever it is why? Why did I want to kill myself? Why have I attempted suicide? Not my case. But why am I cutting? Why? Why have I attempted suicide more than one? Whatever it is, because we don’t understand when people when we feel misunderstood, we’re going to retreat, we’re going to retract. And if we get too far down into that hole, it’s like that beautiful ninth grader. There’s no coming back? No one. I don’t know. They say, I don’t know if I agree with this, per se. You know, they say that suicide is the most preventable form of death? No, you know, I think I think the problem I have with that is there’s one way that that comes out is that it’s all our responsibility to save one another. And that’s how I think that’s true. I mean, there are certain people that are gonna die from suicide. It’s just That’s a fact. It’s just the way that it is. And I’m not being cavalier about that. But that that’s just the way that it is you cannot drag somebody to wellness, there needs to be a responsibility on the person. I’m not saying it’s easy. But I think, to suggest it’s the most preventable form of death. What that also would say is that the that it’s a person is capable of completely resolving trauma and grief and everything else. And I think sometimes it’s just, I think it’s too much. It’s just too much. And I say it to just to add in, I think what’s important is an aspect of realism. Because I think if we don’t, and we lose somebody to suicide, I think we feel like we fail. And then we feel misunderstood. So I think it’s, you know, I’m contrarian to some of the things that are said in regards to it. The other. The other thing that comes up, which I don’t agree with, is this whole notion that we those of us who are contemplating and then attempt suicide, really what we should do, we need to know what the impact is going to be in other people. And I’m like, okay, that’s illogical, because in that moment that I was going to kill myself, I honestly believe that Deanna and the sanctuary, and everybody would be far better off. So, you’re asking me to consider something that’s completely arbitrary to how I feel in the moment. I’m not saying that that’s not important. But I think if we try to have that be like, as a missionary statement, like, Okay, well, we’re gonna add suicide as if people realized in that moment that it was the ripple effect would be devastating. Okay. That doesn’t work.
Victoria Volk 24:07
You wouldn’t be having that conversation, if you know.
David Woods Bartley 24:15
It helps me now. When summer my sweetheart will sit with me. And if I have a suicidal thought, and we’ll talk about what would be the impact, there’s a likelihood is negligible at this point, but I still have a thought, and someone will say, what would the impact be like on grace, like, Okay, I get it, like now, I understand. But I wouldn’t have understood that nine years ago. You have to arrive at this point of understanding and so I just think, you know, as we as we endeavor to overcome these maladies, we have to approach it differently. And I think there’s a lot of good messages which if you look at what we can do for a suicidal friend is first talk to him. You know, and that’s why question persuade, refer, just question the person, persuade them to stay alive and then refer them to get Help it CPR for mental health, your new are completely capable of doing that now. And it’s leveraging, ultimately understanding to create connection. That’s it. And then you escort them, you journey with them, you companion with them to, to somebody who can offer professional support. Our job is not to save people. That’s not what we’re supposed to do. Our actions ultimately may, but if we go into that, with that our intent, we’re going to screw it up.
Victoria Volk 25:29
Two things I want to bring up before we close our conversation. In grief recovery, we try to get people to understand that they don’t need to take 100% responsibility for themselves or their lives, they only need to take 1% responsibility, or at least just 1% responsibility. So my next question for you then is what role did forgiveness play for you? Not only of yourself, but for others in your turning your life around.
David Woods Bartley 26:04
That’s such a great life quote. Yeah, that’s, I mean, the most difficult has been Of course, to forgive myself, which I still have a hard time. And there’s where the negative cognition sitting with my beloved. Yeah, I mean, there were some folks especially at the end, that I think the ending could have been really different in terms of how the sanctuary ended. And it’s interesting if you Google, my name, like the second thing that comes up is this person who was a board member accused us of fraud at the end, which ultimately, there was none. And then if you read through the whole article, it was like how many 10s of 1000s of dollars that we gave and everything else but I mean, just so I forgiven that person, you know, to to you know, I remember hearing somebody say that, when you if I were to hold anger with somebody, in fact, what I’ve done is really I’ve I’ve connected myself with them energetically. And so the forgiveness is probably more beneficial for me than for them and then I think maybe probably one of the worst things I could do is if I ever saw this person again is to say well I forgive you Well, they may not think they’ve done anything that needs to be forgiven. And so the forgiveness is about me and it’s, it’s better and I’m getting better and better and better and the more that I’m able to do it, it’s it helps so I think I have forgiven and I’ve taken responsibility I’ve endeavored to make amends to my former beloved and our neighbors and in the things in the slight errors that I thought that I’ve made and to express my grief and sorrow that things didn’t end differently so I feel like I’ve done the best that I could do to make amends to take responsibility and there’s still some remnants so and so anytime I have a thought of unforgiveness for others I try to process that and in order to be fully transparent I still have a really difficult time forgiving myself tar I think actually I should have done this different I should have done this differently and there’s you know, thank God because of the extraordinary soul I have as a partner and then the other one that I had to the other person who just helped me to look at Okay, you know what? Yes, mistakes happen you know, there’s somebody a dear friend of mine was given a talk and talked about this whole thing forgiveness and she said well maybe look at it this way if it happened again, would you do the same thing? like wow, no, I wouldn’t I would have done a whole bunch of stuff to at the core would still be taken care of zero but there would be a whole bunch of stuff that she says okay, then you learn from it. You know, ultimately, you got to give yourself a break, at least for me.
Victoria Volk 28:44
So that ties in to my neck, next question or point or thing you want to ask you so in grief and when you feel like that when you have that shame and things like that we have this self self loathing. So, what does self love the opposite of self loathing? What does self love look like to you now?
David Woods Bartley 29:05
That’s difficult too. So, I’m really good at working out and and yet, there’s almost no morning that I wake up Hey, ready to go workout? And yet I do my thing you know, and it’s so what I will oftentimes do is I’ll look in the mirror and say, you know what, you didn’t want to do it. And you did it. That’s really good. So I’ll I will look for ways small ways in which I can use the word stomach that’s maybe not much I can accept acknowledgement of myself like okay, you know, you’ve done a good job and so I think that’s at the feeling emotional level, in which I can look at myself sometimes literally, because I have a body dysmorphia thing i’m sure from being raped and some other stuff, but I just I don’t like to look at myself and I will endeavor to try to force Myself and then give myself some sort of affirmation, which is not, I think the best thing that I will say to myself, and it feels good to say, You know what? You’re good. Do you really, you’re really good. Do you really endeavouring. Yeah. And when I do, it feels really good. So it’s a work in progress. I wish, I really wish it wasn’t so hard. You know, I’ve battled myself for 50 some years, and I still do. It would be, you know, I have some momentary feeling experiences when I’m not when I’m not in opposition myself. And it’s God that feels good. You know, like, if my own worst enemy is myself, like, that person just didn’t show it that, that it’s, it’s tough. You know, I, I don’t know, if I’d have the same level of difficulty if I didn’t have this condition. And, and I was thinking to kind of serve all the way back. Would I have this condition without the trauma that I experienced? I don’t know. I mean, I would venture to say no, because my three brothers who I adore, they don’t have this. They don’t have the same father. They were older when my dad died, but they hadn’t suffered this other trauma. So, thank God that kind of meandering question modern answer was?
Victoria Volk 31:11
No, it’s, I think, I think we could probably talk for another two hours. I just want to share, there’s one book that I read not long ago. I don’t know if you’ve read it but breaking the habit of being yourself. Dr. Joe dispenza, just ties in with what we were just talking about. Because you said something, and that reminded me of the book title. And the other book I’m reading right now is love yourself, like your life depends on it? And I think it does. Yes. And I think that’s, I’m not quite halfway through it. But I think you’ll like that book, too. Just talking about self loathing to self love. And I think just sharing what I’ve shared, and you share what you shared, I just think that the the one truth that I feel now, for me, is true for me, I don’t know that we can give to others what we can’t give to ourselves.
David Woods Bartley 32:05
No, I agree. You know what, I totally agree. And so, you know, I feel no pressure. But I’m motivated to resolve this within myself, so I can give it to the kids and my beloved, and the world. But no, I agree. What’s theirs. I mean, use the G word just, just because it’ll put it in better context is a great minister, who has since made his transition, but a big influence. I love his talking. It said, God can only do for us what God can do through us. So, in other words, so yeah, it’s, you know, we can’t give away what we don’t have to possible. And there’s where, you know, I think this whole aspect of self care, if you say, well, you need to prioritize yourself can put yourself on a pedestal persona, you got to put other people first, okay, you know what, that’s doomed to failure. If your compass empty, if your tank is empty, you have nothing to give. So, if I have if I if my if I’m able to love myself, orlin put it this way. I’m gonna be able to love the kids and summer to the extension of myself. When I switch it like that, I’m like, Okay, all right, I got to make a change, because I want to love more precisely because makes me feel good. You know, I feel good. And if that’s selfish, so be it. But the better I feel, the more I’m able to be of service to other people. I get to read something. This is the other book. My grandfather’s blessing to check this out. By show off girl, frickin brilliant. I would love this would be on my this is on my bucket list now is to meet Dr. Rehman, she lives in Northern California, she must be hiding because I can’t find her. Anyway, this is so cool. She says the best definition of service I have come across is the single word belonging, service is the final healing of isolation and loneliness is the lived experience of belonging. So it’s all these things that we do in support of one another, ultimately, were the greatest benefactor. Because, you know, when we feel like I certainly feel the same way when we feel like we belong to something to somebody somewhere at some time in some place to all good, you know, or at least it makes it it’s culpable. if that’s a word, that’s a word, but yeah, it’s it’s the last day last year I’ll let you go because I could talk to you for hours. Hope awakens harmony, and here’s what so we had two puppies at the sanctuary. Most everybody else so we went one non rescue dog. Her name is crazy about Boston Terrier, so help with this brindle colored, gorgeous, cute, ridiculously wonderful pop, and so on. While we are waiting for hope to be weaned from her mom, Deanna went on the dreaded Petfinder, which is the best pet adoption site in the world. And she came to me and she says, you know, what do you think about this? And it was this picture of an eight, another eight week old Boston Terrier puppy, but jetblack with this very devilish smile. I’m like, why is this dog on Petfinder? We’ll come to find out she was 100% deaf. And I’m like, What in the hell of a deaf dog Well, I lost thankfully, I lost the argument and we got harmony. So we picked up help harmony on a Sunday help on a Monday. And so here’s what would happen I would come into the house and hope would come to greet me. And then she would turn around and she’d go wake up or sister harmony who couldn’t hear then she bring harmony so hope awakens harmony, and then be there and all hope and harmony wanted to do is just be with me, there was no demands that just wanted me to get on my hands and my knees and to cover me with kisses and affirmations and love and to say, Papa, come sit down on the, on the couch with us and let’s take a nap. And, and I think it’s the same thing in our life is that hope never comes alone. Hope always brings something with it. It can be patience and understand. I think it oftentimes is harmony, because inherent in harmony. When things are harmonious. Like there’s a certain aspect of certainty and reliability, like you know what, it’s all gonna be okay. And so whatever we can do, to step into the door, and to be welcomed by hope we can be guaranteed that hope is going to awaken something else most often. It’s going to be harmony.
Victoria Volk 36:42
There’s another book title.
David Woods Bartley 36:43
I know. I know. Hope awakens harmony, I know. And harmony, she had the loudest bark. I mean, it was screeching. I don’t know cuz she couldn’t hear us. I mean, she was 100 people to just want to get her hearing check them like, Okay, let me show you. Let me scream at her. But the other thing is, hope has an aroma. Hope has a certain sense. So, in the times when say hope was with mom or something, and I would walk into the house and harmony was fast asleep hence the truth. The truth is deaf dogs get the best sleep in the house, that’s just so in those instances in which hope wasn’t there to Awakener I would walk up. And this is what happened every time. Sometimes it was instant. Sometimes it would take a minute, harmony, all of a sudden, Victoria, her head would swing I mean just pop up. Like all of a sudden she could hear and I yelled her name. Well, her said was so enhanced because of her deafness, you have to think and then out of the million different sense somehow she could distinguish mine. And what she would do is her head would pop up and then she would focus her eyes and she would see was me and she’d come running up me and dive literally put her head right in the middle of my chest and move back and forth and then take like little bites of my skin. Or like she was with this part me this, this being that meant more to her than anything in the world. And so she was awakened by the realm of hope. And again, I think that your we can be in this catatonic state of grief or mental illness or whatever it is. And that little essence of hope it has a very distinct aroma. It can awaken us from our slumber and ideally, you know, move us into a different place than if nothing else in the moment feels better.
Victoria Volk 38:41
So, do you think it’s part synchronicity, happenstance? And maybe a little bit of intuition as to what we find then that helps us awaken?
David Woods Bartley 38:54
Oh, absolutely. No, no, I absolutely. And I think it’s you know, there’s this great again, I don’t propose any sort of spirituality, I my own I’m radically inclusive of life, that there’s this great, and I think it’s an African proverb of prey and move your feet. So, in other words, I think we all are gifted with a sense of intuition, but then we it needs to be activated. So, serendipity, you and I, so we could have met, but never had this. So, there was the the universe gave us the gift the universe orchestrated things so that you and I could meet that system, what are we going to do with it? So, we spend this first two hours of our relationship being incredibly connected. So, I think it is but you can also do too much activity and not have enough kind of sacred consideration of what’s going on to it. So, my mother Suzanne used to always like to say she say, Honey, moderation is the key. So, mom was talking. It’s all about balance, you know, too much of anything too much. Sunshine burns. Yeah, yeah. No. So I agree with you. You said a beautiful and I think Ultimately, we know what’s in our best interest. We do. Sometimes, though, more often than not, we just need people heading down that road is too scary to do it alone. And like, I don’t need you to say anything, I just would you just please go with me? I think that this like, okay, and we can do that for one another, you know, we can drive with somebody to go to their doctor’s appointment, you know, hey, the first time you take a medication, how about I go to the pharmacy with? I may not want it but imagine somebody offering, like on the first day that you’re going to take medication? Like, would you like me to go with you to the pharmacy? We can pick that up together. And I think it is those simple acts just, they come with what I call the power of an unexpected gesture, because we don’t we don’t expect people to do those sorts of things.
Victoria Volk 40:45
So good.
David Woods Bartley 40:48
You’re so good.
Victoria Volk 40:50
Is there anything else that you would like to share?
David Woods Bartley 40:54
Yeah, I mean, the bigger the thing is, I think you can handle one more story. I’ll try to review it. I just told this. I just told us for the first-time last night, I’ve written about it. So, here’s the truth. I think what happens is we see a circumstance that goes back to this whole thing that I think oftentimes we’re we don’t think we’re qualified or capable. But what if I told you that you can save a life just by sitting down? So, one of the Boston terriers that came to the sanctuary was Doug Murphy. And again, you had to fit into one of these four categories. And when Murphy arrived, I got this stunningly gorgeous. Guy along with everybody loved him, and I’m like, okay, someone like kind of slipped him in my radar. Like he had no special need at all. But not long after he got there. The first time he ate, he ate and ate and ate and then threw up everything. So, I thought, okay, maybe he’s a little nervous. Well, it happens the next day, same thing happens the next day, same thing like okay, well, something must be wrong. Take him to the vet, to the car. I mean, his vitals are good, and we don’t know nothing’s wrong. And so it keeps going on. Well, Deanna, just this amazing soul, every animal that came to the sanctuary became her baby. And so she’s like, okay, we’re gonna figure this out. And so, lo and behold, Deanna figures out that Murphy has this thing called mega esophagus. So, in other words, his esophagus is enlarged to the point where it doesn’t contract. It can’t do its job to take the food from the mouth and the throat down to the stomach. And absent that, a dog standing on all fours. So what happens is, he’ll die because he eats. It goes partway down the throat, but the esophagus doesn’t move it along. And so he doesn’t throw up. He regurgitates it looks the same, but it’s different. So dogs die from this. So Dee is like, Okay, well, that ain’t gonna happen on my watch. So she comes up with his brilliant solution, she watches Murphy, he and she knows the point the exact time when he’s eating enough. And but he, you know, is about to regurgitate. And so she scooped him up and propped him up, head and back against her chest. And she say, okay, but sit down. And then she’d give Murphy to me, just like you would imagine, like the crown jewels being passed over. And then I would sit there with Murph, his back against my chest, his head on my shoulder, his whiskers tickling my cheek, and a lot of times, we would just fall asleep in that position, just propping him up, life as gravity did the job of malfunctioning anatomy and brought the food down into the place where then if we sat there long enough, you can consume it. And Murphy always knew when the time was up, and she’s about 3030 minutes or so, and then he would jump down and play. And so that’s how his life was saved. Save a Life by sitting down. And I think the same thing that’s happening, be it great for anything else is we can have a seat and have a conversation with somebody, we can have a seat and have a meal, we can have a seat and watch a movie, we can have a seat and go visit them. In the psychiatric hospital. We can have a seat in our car and trance and go with them somewhere. We can all save lives just by sitting down. And so I think my final message is just that. Never underestimate kind of paraphrasing, but the great Maya Maya Angelou said, never underestimate what an individual’s small act of kindness continue to change your life. And in fact, I’ll end with this last thing, and I promised I will let you go. There was an amazing psychiatrist Dr. Drew Ramsey in New York means this one quote, in which he talks about the issue of suicide as a problem and a solution. One short paragraph, these are Dr. Ramsey’s words, not mine. Dr. Ramsey tells us, someone you see today is thinking about killing themselves. Your smile, your question your love could save them. Trust me. They told me at that. That’s impactful. He’s pretty cool. He’s brilliant guy.
Victoria Volk 44:53
Well, folks, if you don’t look at your dog, the same after today.
David Woods Bartley 45:00
She’s outside the door right now kind of whining.
Victoria Volk 45:04
Oh, no, really, I mean, it makes it memorable. Like the storytelling of all the stories that you’ve shared makes it memorable. It makes it relatable. It makes it impactful. That’s genius, by the way, and I just love how you’ve tied it into your message. Thank you so much.
David Woods Bartley 45:25
Well, yeah, and all credit to my former Beloved, and the great people and amazing animals. And you are so welcome. And again, I can never thank you enough for what you’re doing, to take this topic and have it be your passion and to be of selfless service to so many people, you’re a lot like, you may not be given the gift to know how many people that you save and unburden. But it’s a new age because you don’t just help that person, that person then helps somebody else and somebody else and somebody else.
Victoria Volk 45:55
It is my mission that we talk about grief, like we talk about the weather.
David Woods Bartley 46:01
Got it, and I say let’s make mental illness, a casserole disease. And someone comes home suffering from mental illness, let’s bring them a big good, just like we would any other instance.
Victoria Volk 46:13
I love that. I love that. So many quotes.
David Woods Bartley 46:20
Kind of goofy.
Victoria Volk 46:21
No, I love it. Okay, thank you. Thank you so much. Um, I’m gonna, I might do this in two parts, actually, this podcast episode.
David Woods Bartley 46:31
And please do, whatever I can do to serve you, or anybody else. You know, if somebody wants to talk, or whatever, want to hear a story, I’m here to serve my job.
Victoria Volk 46:40
I love it. Um, I’m actually going to put all the things that you mentioned in the show notes reference in the show notes. And thank you. Thank you for the work that you’re doing, for sharing your story for going first. It’s like I said, we never fully arrive. We shouldn’t be journey alone.
David Woods Bartley 47:03
No, no. Amen. Well, you are a delight and joy and I have a new lifelong parental. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you for your trusting conference. Thank you for choosing me.
Victoria Volk 47:15
My intuition.
David Woods Bartley 47:17
There you go. Nice. Gizmo for me.
Victoria Volk 47:21
Air hugs. Thank you so much. And everybody, I hope you enjoyed this episode. or two. I think I might do two I don’t know we’ll see. But if this was helpful to you, please share it with somebody you know, or love and share the love on Apple podcasts if you don’t leave a review for David’s fantastic words of wisdom. And remember, when you unleash your heart, you unleash your life. Much love.