Q&A | Why Am I Struggling More With My Spouse’s Death Than My Parents’ Death?
SHOW NOTES SUMMARY:
In this first Q&A episode, Ruth asks why she’s struggling more with her spouse’s death than the death of her parents.
In my response, I share a perspective you may find helpful when considering your losses.
Whether you’ve been married for five, fifteen, or forty years, or your parents died when you were young or in your fifties, death may finalize the physical relationship; however, the emotional relationship carries on.
I’d love to answer your question on the podcast. Submit your Q to my email at [email protected] with “Q for Grieving Voices” in the subject line. I will only use your first name — or no name if you prefer!
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First Episode of the Q&A Podcast Episode
This is my first episode of the Q&A format. And I’m in the background working on some interviews with upcoming guests regarding the new format, which is featuring guests who have started, organizations, foundations, nonprofits, not-for-profits, things on a grander scale, maybe even had a law passed all of this in response to their grief or loss experience. So I’m excited for those conversations to be shared coming up. But today, again, is a q&a.
A Question From Ruth
And this is a question coming from a listener named Ruth from El Paso, Texas. And she asks, “My mother, father, and husband all died within three months of each other. I miss them so much. But why am I having such a hard time dealing with the loss of my husband than that of my parents, I cry every day about him, not my parents is this normal?”
Victoria’s Answer
So we never compare losses. And it’s very common to hear people report that the death of their spouse affected them emotionally, more, or for a much longer time than their parents is death. Now, there is a kind of logic to that. And even though emotions can’t be measured in logical or rational terms, in long-term marital relationships, you’ve chosen to be with your partner every day, sometimes for many years, perhaps 40,50, 60, or more. And the effect of that amount of time with another person is almost like joining two people together. And when one of them dies, it can literally feel like losing a piece of your body. Now on the other hand, as we get older, we also have very long-term relationships with our living parents, which are as many years as we’ve been alive. If you’re 60, you have a 60-year relationship with your 85-year-old mother. However, there’s usually a major difference between your relationship with a parent and the one with your spouse. Most of us move away from home after high school or college and go off to build our careers and our families. So even though we may have a 60-year relationship with a parent, we usually only lived with them for the first 18 to 22 years of our lives. Whereas with spouses we’ve spent nearly every day for 10,15, or 40 years with that person, and the bond even with a spouse we may have bickered with for much of the time, is incredibly strong.
It may seem obvious, but it still has to be said that the nature of marriage differs from the relationships between parents and children. Even when marriage doesn’t last many decades, the nature and intensity of marital relationships are different intense than other relationships and can produce overwhelming emotions of grief when one partner dies. None of that is said to diminish or minimize the amount of love and other feelings we have for our parents. It’s normal to cry every day over the death of a spouse. This response to loss usually stops for most people after a few weeks or months. The problem is that there is no set time that would apply to everyone as to how long daily crying should last. If this is something that concerns you, you may be stuck in your grief. And I would suggest taking Grief Recovery actions in regard to all three relationships. And as you do so, the crying will diminish and fond memories will not turn painful.
This may also explain for many of you why it’s so difficult to feel joy, even when you are experiencing what would typically be a joyful experience. If you’re being reminded of your loved one in those moments of joy, then the pain of the loss floods in suddenly you feel guilty for feeling joy and are likely pulled back to a past memory which may or may not have been painful. This happens too when we are filled with guilt, remorse, or regret around the relationship. Perhaps this is where the term complicated grief and I use that in air quotes comes from. It’s not complicated. It’s just grief. The label isn’t helpful and I think it sets people up for losing hope are also comparing their losses to those of others, possibly even minimizing the loss of others.
Have you caught yourself saying well at least you have your parents, or well, at least you didn’t lose everyone you love within three months?
Well, at least at least if you allow yourself to be open to new knowledge around grief, which is the foundation of my one-on-one program, Do Grief Differently and group programs, you will see that it is possible to move forward in your life even after the losses of the three most influential relationships in your life.
P.S. Did you find this episode helpful? Please leave a review. It shows me that you want to hear more episodes like this one. And if you’re interested in participating in a Grief Recovery Group I love to walk a maximum of eight hurting hearts through their incredibly powerful, evidence-based program that transformed not only my life and heart but also of countless others. My client Angela shared this with me recently. “For the first time, I’m feeling more free to be me than I’ve ever felt.” My friends, that is the perfect testimonial in a nutshell for this program. If you have a question, please email it to me at [email protected] and put “Q” for grieving voices in the subject line and I will answer it on the show anonymously if you prefer.