Betsy Smith | The Bulldog Advocate & Caregiver
SHOW NOTES SUMMARY:
According to Johns Hopkins, 240,000 medical error deaths occur every year. Betsy learned that when it comes to the healthcare system and being a caregiver, becoming informed and a fierce advocate is the only option.
Betsy learned real-life experience about medical advocacy while her husband survived prostate cancer, only to be diagnosed with bone marrow cancer five years later. Four years after his bone marrow cancer diagnosis, he passed away.
Within six months of his passing, she went against the advice generally given to widows not to make any big decisions the first year and sold her home and moved. But her move wasn’t to start over or escape; rather, she was moving toward support and people who knew her. In her words, she moved to where her “colonoscopy friends” were.
Once she was surrounded by everything familiar, the loss of her husband hit hard, and she sought weekly support from a grief therapist. Through that support, she navigated the devastating loss of her husband, Jack.
What followed was a strong desire to write a book that could offer support to other caregivers navigating the healthcare system. Through her writing, she shares with others the lessons she learned, caregiver tips, and practical advice for becoming the best advocate you can be for your loved one.
Not everyone is assertive or forward in their approach to situations. And Betsy learned that southern charm and politeness don’t move others to action. She has made it her mission to help others find their own inner bulldog. Because, when it comes to those you love, or yourself, there will never be anyone who cares more than you.
RESOURCES:
- Book | The Patient Advocacy Handbook: Empowering You to Boldly Navigate the Healthcare System
- The Grief Recovery Institute Grief Index Study
- Empathy App | The Cost of Dying Report
CONNECT:
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NEED HELP?
- National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 1-800-273-8255
- Crisis Text Line provides free, 24/7 support via text message. Text HOME to 741741 to connect with a trained Crisis Counselor
If you are struggling with grief due to any of the 40+ losses, free resources are available HERE.
Are you enjoying the podcast? Check out my bi-weekly newsletter, The Unleashed Letters.
CONNECT WITH VICTORIA:
Victoria Volk 0:00
Thank you for tuning in to grieving voices. Today, my guest is E L. Betsy Smith. And she’s going to be sharing her grieving voice today on the podcast. And I’m so happy to have you here. Thank you so much for being my guest today.
Betsy Smith 0:17
Thank you. I appreciate the invitation Victoria, and I am a recent widow read not so recent four years ago, my, my husband was diagnosed with bone marrow cancer in 2014. And he died in 2018. And we were in North Carolina at the time. And as a widow, one of the first things they tell you is don’t make any major decisions. For the first year. Well, I had sold a house bought a house moved within six months. So and it was exactly the right thing for me wouldn’t be the right thing for everybody. So during my husband’s illness, I realized that there were a lot of people that were very intimidated by the health care system, and the professionals. And it became my passion and my purpose, to spread the word about advocacy, as well as caregiving. My first career was with a huge community college, in Pensacola, Florida. I was the dean, I was a provost, I was the vice president, then I opened my own consulting business. And my business is the overlying theme is is advocacy. The leaders that advocate patient advocacy, of course, and self advocacy are women in the workforce.
Victoria Volk 1:43
So it’s almost as if that you were built for this work?
Betsy Smith 1:47
Yes, I think I can remember, I think or maybe it’s family folklore. When my mother brought my baby sister home, she’s five years younger than me. And my memory says My mother said to me, Betsy, you’re the big sister. And you’ve got to take care of Molly now. And I took that very seriously. My five year younger sister thinks I was just bossy. But that’s not true. I was sort of advocate.
Victoria Volk 2:13
So did you have a lot of grief experiences in your childhood that prepared you for this experience that you’ve had in the last four years?
Betsy Smith 2:22
I did not, of course, people lived and died in my family, aunts and uncles and grandparents. And my mother and father were my mother was in her late 60s. My father was 83 when he died. So I went through two divorces. But that’s not really grief. That’s kind of annoying. Yes.
Victoria Volk 2:43
I’m curious why you think that’s not grief? Or, or how it how you view it as not being grief for you. Because even in less than loving relationships, or loving relationships, there’s conflict there, right? And so grief isn’t necessarily sadness, or depression or about loss of a loving relationship. It can be anger and frustration and disappointment and all of those other you know, grief is so much more than that. So I’m, I’m personally curious, your view of that, and how those divorces work grief.
Betsy Smith 3:23
I would not have said that if I hadn’t just lived through the death of that’s different in divorce. somebody chooses. And it may not be you but somebody makes the choice. And, and I’ve always been a bit. I was a child of the 60s have always been very independent. And yes, the two divorces were game changers. Absolutely. But compared to grieving over the death of the spouse, it for me pales in comparison.
Victoria Volk 4:07
I totally Yeah, I totally get where you’re coming from I for people listening, you know, because the premise of my message in what I share with people is that grief isn’t just about loss. No, you’re right. It’s a lot of things. Now, there’s I mean, you can have even moving right when your husband passed away and then having to move and loss of the neighbors you had and the co workers and colleagues and things.
Betsy Smith 4:33
Right, right. And I relocated back to Pensacola, Florida, where we live for 20 years before we moved up to North Carolina, so I came back to a loving environment. I came back to France who’ve known me for 30 years. I came back to a place I knew well. And that we had some wonderful time, Stan,
Victoria Volk 4:58
Do you think subcon Interestingly, it was to seek out support, and maybe security and safety in your environment. Yeah
Betsy Smith 4:58
It absolutely was. And as I jokingly say, I have colonoscopy friends down here. I have friends, I can call up and say, have a colonoscopy scheduled next week. Can you drive me and spin for hours with me?
Victoria Volk 5:22
I have one of those Fred’s. I have to have one every five years. So I yeah, I totally get you so. Well, I’m curious about that, too, did you you obviously must have had a scare of some sort when it comes to polyps or something.
Betsy Smith 5:41
My My father died of colon cancer when he was 83. Okay. And because of that history, as I got closer to 83, they shortened the time of colonoscopy. He’s never had a bad report. I mean, a polyp or two, but I’ve never had any bad reports. or scary reports.
Victoria Volk 6:00
My father passed away at 44.
Victoria Volk 6:04
Oh, my colon cancer. Yeah, I
Victoria Volk 6:06
Had goodness. I had a polyp removed when I was 33, 32. Yeah. 32. I think so. Yeah. Probably five years since then. So yeah. So with your, how long were you married to your husband? When you found out that you are when he was diagnosed? How long had you been married?
Betsy Smith 6:27
We totally were together. 22 years. We were married 14. So we’ve been married about 11 years when he was diagnosed?
Victoria Volk 6:40
Did he have a family history? Or was it just tiny? Okay,
Betsy Smith 6:44
His mother was a heavy smoker. She got lung cancer. And long before me, he and I met late in life, his father died of some form of cancer. And Jack had already survived prostate cancer, had had radiation and came through that fine. And then five years later.
Victoria Volk 7:10
So you’ve actually had previous experience with the health care system. Before his second diagnosis? Yeah.
Betsy Smith 7:17
And Victoria. In my tenure at the community college, I was Provost of the health related campus. And we had nursing and we had physical therapy assisting and we had dental assisting, and we had radiology. So and I was sent out there. But not because I have a health background, I was sent out there, because I am a community builder. And the President wanted that campus to become more of the community. And, you know, I used to take hospital CEOs to lunch and ask him for a million dollars for a new medical building on the campus so that those five years gave me lots of information about healthcare and doctors and CEOs and how they think and how that whole system works. Now, that’s been 20 years ago. So things have changed significantly.
Victoria Volk 8:14
What was the one thing or maybe a few things that you disliked or that you thought could be better or that prompted you really to write your book, and to be become this advocate for healthcare?
Betsy Smith 8:30
According to Johns Hopkins, there are 240,000 medical error deaths a year, the first incident that happened that made me realize my husband was in a clinical trial. We were at the hospital every day. Fortunately, it wasn’t very far away from us and North Carolina. And one day, they said we’re going to do to test today, we’re going to do one appear on this floor. And then when we finish in exactly 30 minutes, they have to start a second one down on the second floor. And the nurse said, you check out I’ll take him down there. So I checked it out. And it took about 30 minutes and I went down to the appropriate writing waiting room and looked around. Now we’re at 30 minutes. And there was Jack in a wheelchair in a corner. asleep and I shriek Why is my husband still out here? And a tech came out? He said, Can I help you? And I said yes. He was supposed to bed, whatever it was started five minutes ago. And why isn’t he in there? And the tech said we didn’t know he was here. And that’s when I realized I couldn’t trust the health care system to take care of my husband.
Victoria Volk 9:56
And what was the experience like throughout those four years?
Betsy Smith 10:00
We had some good experiences and we had some horrible experiences. At one time when he was in the hospital, his name tag, got switched with another person’s name tag on the blood vial.
Victoria Volk 10:14
Oh, my
Betsy Smith 10:16
Thank God, the nurse that was checking his count at six o’clock in the morning realized something was very wrong. And she went screaming down the hall in hospital. And then there were seven people in the room, the phlebotomy department and vice president of quality control. And they assured me that they had found the problem that it would never happen again. And I wrote a memo, I wrote several members to the hospital CEO. But this one started as a former provost of a health related campus for over five years. I understand mistakes happen. But this is unacceptable. Another time, we were 1000s of miles away from North Carolina, which we should not have been but we work because he wanted to get and he was hospitalized. And I wanted to get him back in North Carolina. And so I started a tirade to get him released. And one hospitalist told me, I’ll release him to go back to North Carolina by ambulance. And I said, you have got to be kidding me. We’re not putting this man in an ambulance for 27 hours to get him back to North Carolina. And in the back of my mind, I knew if anything happened, they would stop and he would be admitted to another hospital. And a week later, the same hospitals came in I said, I’m gonna release them to fly commercially. I said, No. What do you think and he can hardly walk. His immune system he has now now we’re not getting on a commercial flight. And then I live to see the hospital CEO. And the hospital paid to add Jack Lear jet flown in a Learjet ambulance back to North Carolina. Those are big things. And Victoria, I know not everybody has my personality. Not everybody grew up in Texas. Not everybody was provost of a health related campus. But I wrote the book, to let family members and friends understand. You’re not powerless. ask the hard questions. If you don’t understand what the doctor is telling you. Ask them to use language you can understand. Don’t be afraid to ask for a second opinion. Keep up with the meds that they’re being given, and doctors and nurses and everybody else in the healthcare system and human beings. And we make mistakes, and they get tired. And they’re overworked. And they have lots of patients. We have one.
Victoria Volk 12:54
Yeah, I think we give a lot of power away, especially as the family. Like you said, we it’s almost as if I think what happens in that and tell me if you think I’m wrong or share your input as well. But I’ve had personal experiences, as recent data’s towards the end of this last year where my son was in and out of the hospital for something that’s really rare. And one physician saying one thing, and everyone else is saying something different. And here’s me like, kind of being the Bulldog, right? Yes, exactly. And annoying the piss out of everybody around me, I’m sure of it. But you know, he’s my son, right? Yeah, I’m gonna be his advocate. So but what happens is it I think just like as we medicalize dying, you know, if someone is on hospice, or someone is, has cancer, but they’re in the hospital, not on hospice, which is tirely different situation male, completely different dynamic. Please get on hospice, if you can. Yeah, that’s, that’s what I would say. We just leave the whole process to people we think and believe no better, who know that individual better than we do. Right. So what are your insights, say? A few things that you would like to share with listeners to keep in mind if they have a loved one who is has a terminal illness?
Betsy Smith 14:29
Or even a just a long term illness? Correct? Yes. And one is, always have somebody with your patient, always take note, copious note. And if you can’t have somebody with you who can or ask the doctor if you can record it, that that would happen, but you could. I asked projects medical records every day he was in the hospital so that I can film. I just, I don’t know why I thought that was important. But I felt that was important. Because he was in and out of hospitals so much for such a long time. I got I, we both of us got to know the custodians, the food service people, the student nurses, the residents. Because those relationships make you part of that family. And they know things other people might not. And when he was in the hospital for three weeks, and I’ve valet park for three weeks, the valets and I became buddies. And when he died, and I went downstairs to get my car, and of course they could tell it had happened in this one young man said, may I pray with you? It still brings tears to my eyes. But that meant a lot to me. A Grief therapist asked me shortly after Jack died, was I afraid when he was sick? And I said, No, I was pissed. And she said, pissed, it was at him. I was just pissed. Now I can see that’s how I was manifesting my grief. I just kept hammering, just kept camera and just kept hammering. And until I got relocated, and it really hit me that I went to a grief therapist weekly, to sort through that and, and grief is interesting. I perceive it as yes, they say it’s like a wave of give you I can viscerally feel layers lifted from me, not always at the same place at the same time, but I could feel it off my shoulders for months. And I just felt lighter and lighter and more willing to go on. And eager to write this book to share with others to as, as my grief therapist said, I don’t know what this looks like. But your new work is advocacy.
Victoria Volk 17:20
So what would you say? changed? How you change like the version 2.0 of you, versus who you were before? You think this has softened you a little?
Betsy Smith 17:35
No? No? No. As a matter of fact, I have a dear friend who’s also a coach like I am and she said, I perceive you lead from your head, not your heart. I said my heart’s worn out. Out, I’ll get back to that. But some people would, what every human being reacts differently to every single thing that happens. So what we can do is tell our story through our lens through our filter and, and start the conversation. get the conversation started.
Victoria Volk 18:14
You know, even though people I mean from what you shared this tough exterior, right? This, you know, Bulldog mentality, like just getting in there and getting to work. Do you feel like this grief though, has cracked you open? In a way that nothing else in your life had?
Betsy Smith 18:37
Absolutely. Absolutely.
Victoria Volk 18:41
Do you feel like you see yourself differently, and others maybe differently with this lens, maybe a lens of compassion,
Betsy Smith 18:53
Compassion, empathy. One of my purposes is to give family members and friends the courage and confidence to be that advocate. And your idea of courage and confidence is probably different than my idea of courage and confidence. I have a story in in the book from a retired hospice chaplain, a female retired hospice chaplain. And we were swapping stories and I’m telling her how I did this and how I did that. And she was telling me how she gently and persuaded people to do this and that and it was a great conversation because that worked for her. And I tried that. I’m a southern girl. I know how to be nice, but there comes a time when nice isn’t working. So you get insistent. You get passionate. You get assertive, and sometimes across the line over into aggression. serve. And I love your term Bulldog. That that’s what an advocate is. Whether you’re advocating for a political policy, whether you’re advocating to get a new neighborhood built a new park bill, it, you got to stay with it. Stay with it. It’s not not for the faint of heart.
Victoria Volk 20:22
I think that’s with anything in life that we’re passionate about, right? To be a bulldog to pursue it with a bulldog mentality. You know, for me, grief is, isn’t just about loss. And that’s a big part of my message. It’s, I want people to see themselves in the stories that people share. And understand that you don’t, someone doesn’t have to die for you to experience all the feelings that come along with grief.
Betsy Smith 20:48
I have a just that just brought to mind another experience I had, I worked for the same man at a community college for almost 20 years. And he got liver cancer, and he died in six months. I competed for the presidency of the college, against another internal candidate, there are only the two of us. And the six foot 255 year old white boy that used to play football at Florida, got the presidency. And immediately started taking pieces of my job away from me. That was a time Victoria when when I was hit with grief as well. Because I loved working at that college. I love doing what I did. I was really well respected and to be treated. It wasn’t forthcoming with it. It was like I was on a three year revolving contract. When I got my contract it was for two years. And I went up to his office and said, Tom, what’s this about? You said, Well, did we talk about this? No, we didn’t talk about this. So I handled that grief by requesting that the board by F my contract, so that I could leave and get out from under him because it wasn’t good for me. It wasn’t good for him. It wasn’t good for the students. And they did that. And then that’s when I started my coaching business.
Victoria Volk 22:29
And I’m glad you went there. Because toxic work environments is a real thing. And especially for women, I think in industries or in careers that are generally male dominated, or masculine ly dominated. Can you share a few tips for those who may feel marginalized or discounted, or, you know, almost like they’re pushed out?
Betsy Smith 22:57
I, in the last couple of years have created what I call bet seats, rules. And I didn’t sit down to write them, I’ll send you a copy. I didn’t sit down to write them. It’s just that every day something would come to me at that time. I was going to the gym three days a week and working with a trainer and I’d say I came up with a new rule. And they’d say, Oh, yeah, yes. So the first rule is for women in the workforce you get to choose. You get to choose whether you say you get to choose whether you ask for the race, you get to choose if you want to go the second one is stop apologize. Because as long as you are apologizing people will make you responsible for the mistake. And as you know, women are the worst about I’m sorry to interrupt you, but do you have a minute. I know this may sound silly, but and so stop apologizing. Another one is sit at the table. Another one is when you introduce yourself stand up and speak up. So they’re just little snip, snippets of things I’ve learned over the years building my career. I learned to play golf, because I got tired of being left out when the boys would go play golf. And I wasn’t very good at it but had a good time. And they were okay with it as well.
Victoria Volk 24:37
Yeah, I think it’s just exposing yourself to those different situations and experiences that just really help make you be a little bit maybe a more well rounded in those environments to to when it comes to time to speak up for yourself. Yeah. And so was that something that was emulated for you as you grew up?
Betsy Smith 24:59
Well, I lived in Texas when Ann Richards was the governor and and was at least to say, a tuffeau. Cookie. This is not a political statement. But she used to refer to George W as shrub. Because they were both in politics and Texas at the same time. She was a front runner. I mean, she made history. Not everybody didn’t like that history, but that’s okay with me. I learned. I can’t remember when that. And one of my rules is Why do you care what anybody thinks about you?
Victoria Volk 25:34
Was your mother. That type of person though was your mother, someone that spoke up for herself and asserted herself when she had to?
Betsy Smith 25:41
She did now. My mother was 411 I think she weighed 120 pounds when I was born. Square jawed German just like me. And you’re right, she she stood up for what she believed in, never worked outside the home a day in her life. So I give that caveat, because she didn’t have a lot to lose. I was five years older than my sister. So by the time my sister got in high school, I was Gone was the day of miniskirts. My sister and two of her friends went to high school with their mini skirts. And the principal sent him home. And my mother was the only one home so they went to our house. And my mother dressed those three girls in my old prom dresses, that were what we used to call T. Ling that was between your knee and your ankle, took him back to the high school, marched him up to the principal’s office, looked at the principal and said, Nobody tells my girls how to dress go to class girls. And they did. Now, I tell that story. And some people are horrified because it was so disrespectful. Other people say she was a feisty little a woman was she here she was especially when it came to her kids.
Victoria Volk 27:09
Yeah, I think of people like generally, this might be a generalization. But often people who are advocates are like social workers. And, you know, the Bulldogs of our culture? are in those types of roles. Are those often the people that you that are drawn to you, or what type of people are generally drawn to your consulting.
Betsy Smith 27:32
99% of the clients that I have, or the groups that I run are either executive and professional women or business women? And I have a speech that I start with that says, Do you know why women don’t get the races? They don’t ask?
Victoria Volk 27:51
Probably true. Yeah, I think that has a lot to do with self worth, right? Like not feeling you’re worthy.
Betsy Smith 28:00
Or that they’ll know I’m doing a good job, they’ll recognize it. No. And they may recognize it. And until you ask for extra compensation, they will never think about giving it to you. I had a I had a mentor group in North Carolina before young, professional women who worked in the pharmaceutical companies. And one of them wanted a promotion to a position that had become vacant. So we coached her on how to do that, you know, get all your success points together. Is this the right time in your company’s financial history to ask for it? is are they what’s going on in your company? So we got all that. And then I said to her, are you ready to walk? And she’s wondering, well, when you ask for this promotion, are you ready to walk? And that’s what Sheryl Sandberg wrote in Lean in. You got to be ready to walk. So this young woman goes to her boss and says, I’d like this promotion, here’s what I’ve done your spot I can contribute. And he said, Let me think about it. Of course, he was back the next day and he said, I’ll change your title and let you go ahead and take the job. But let’s wait six months to see about the money. She had another job three weeks later because she was already getting ready to walk.
Victoria Volk 29:35
I’m glad the conversation went here because it’s something that hasn’t been talked about on this podcast yet. You know, this type of grief that many women in these environments experience and you know, it has ripple effects right because if we are forced, forced but you know, we want to stay true to ourselves. It may require change and that with that change comes, you know, new bosses, new colleagues, you know, you might have to move. And so all of our choices, right have ripple effects and consequences and things. I do want to circle back to your husband, though, because that really is the heart of what we were initially talking about. And what is the what would you share with people who have someone who is going through a similar situation? And and I know you like the the tangible, not the tangible, but the practical things that you’ve already shared? But like, what is the hardest thing you think that is for people to navigate in the healthcare system?
Betsy Smith 30:45
Well, I think the, the entire language of the healthcare system is foreign to us. And every drug has at least two or three names. At one time, Jack had a cardiologist, a pulmonologist, a endocrinologist, and they were all treating their disease. They weren’t treating the person. And the sooner you can understand that, the sooner you can say, okay, so how does that relate to this? Or if that happens, how’s it going to? How’s it going? How’s it going to affect his afib, or how’s it going to affect is, whatever, medical professionals, they read notes, they all have copious notes, I can’t imagine how they could read all of them, and remember all of them. And I suspect they don’t. But again, they’re human beings. And that’s why it’s important to have what an advocate by your side. And even in business, if you want to go up the corporate ladder, you want to find an advocate, you want to find a mentor, and you want to find a sponsor, and the advocate can tell your story. The mentor can help you develop a strategy, but the sponsor is the one who will get you into the right place at the right time. The sponsor is the one who works at the same company, who provide you the opportunity to get to know people at a different level.
Victoria Volk 32:29
The connector, a connector, yep. What is the one thing that your grief has taught you?
Betsy Smith 32:35
To be able to enjoy every second of every day. And to you don’t ever get over grief. You just by God lived through it. And even a couple of weeks ago, I was giving my speech and tears are just rolling down my cheeks. I haven’t cried in weeks. And you just never know. And, and I said to the people in the audience, it’s part of the process. I’ve never been a crier in my life. But when it happens, now I just wipe my eyes and say it’s part of the process. And early when you meet people after your husband dies, and they’ll say, hey, they’ll hug your neck and say how you doing and the tears will start and they’ll say, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to make you cry. You didn’t make me cry. I cry. It’s part of the process. Don’t worry about you know,
Victoria Volk 33:35
The tears. Were already in there. Right? Yes. Yeah, yeah. Love can bring that out. Right. And that’s a good thing. You know, when you feel love and support from others, it can. It’s a good thing. Absolutely. You can have this Bulldog mentality and this approach to life. But you also asked for help. And you searched for help. And I really want to highlight that because what do you think, was the catalyst for that? Because so many Grievers do grieve alone and think they need to do it alone.
Betsy Smith 34:10
I know and because I have a counseling degree, and I am a certified coach. I feel like if I have tonsillitis, I go to the doctor. If my heart hurts, I go to a counselor. So I don’t and I’m as you can tell, I’m an extrovert of the chart. So I don’t understand grieving alone. And of course, now, friends will say my nephew died and my sister’s really not getting over it well, and I’ll say Did she see a grief therapist? No, she doesn’t. She doesn’t want to and then I go into how it helped me. And just to have that safe place where you can say things you can’t say to anybody else. To have someone say you I don’t know what it looks like but work is the advocacy is your new work. It’s a different level of work
Victoria Volk 35:08
Well, and I think someone to have someone that can reflect back to you what you don’t see yourself is a part of a healthy part of the process.
Betsy Smith 35:17
Yeah. Yeah, absolutely. contacted a friend in North Carolina instead of writtens book. I’d like to be on your radio show. And her radio show is about business, small business. And she said, how does that fit in with business? So I did some research on the economic impact of caregiving on business. And the Will it very soon, people the age of 65 will be there will be more of us than there are people 45. And it’s affecting business. People, some people, some caregivers won’t tell their employer. I mean, they’re just running themselves ragged. And the typical caregiver is a 49 year old woman working full time and taking care of a parent or a child or, or somebody.
Victoria Volk 36:13
Or both, or sandwich generation. Exactly. Yeah, there is an economic cost to grief, empathy, the company empathy, they have an empathy, the empathy app, it’s called, they recently published a study. And I’ll put it in the show notes. It’s an ebook. And that has a lot of statistics and things. But also the Grief Recovery Institute, through which I am a certified Grief Recovery method specialist also did a study years ago on the economic impact of grief, and it’s, it is crazy. I can actually include that in the show notes as well. It’s the grief index study. And it truly is something that business corporate world, they don’t consider how unproductive people can be at when they’re grieving and how unsupportive their company really is to those grieving. I mean, they expect you within a week to be back and your typical self and performing at what how you were before. Yeah. And so you had your own business right at the time. And so what was that impact for you?
Betsy Smith 37:38
Oh, my business shut down. There was not enough of me to run a business and be by his side. I’m building it back now.
Victoria Volk 37:53
And there’s grief in that too, right? Exactly. Yes. Yeah. It’s never just one thing. It’s always grief just has ripples. We just do not understand that until we’re in the thick of it.
Betsy Smith 38:08
Yeah.
Victoria Volk 38:11
What has been the greatest help for you then as you’re rebuilding your life?
Betsy Smith 38:19
Book is making a difference in people’s lives. And that’s was my intention. My intention also, Victoria is to approach businesses and say it very probably you have this many people who are caregivers, and bring me in a couple times a month, get us together, and let me debrief them and work with them so they can regain their productivity. Or, let me work with people who are grieving. Although that’s, that’s not my specialty. Because I’ve been through it, I can at least have a conversation about it, and possibly refer. But you’re right. And I predict that eldercare just like maternity Lee, I think you’re gonna see I’m not gonna call it caregiving leave or elder care leave or something. To give give people the opportunity to go attend to that and know that their position is safe.
Victoria Volk 39:31
That’s a great tip. I actually, do you have another? Do you have a tip to share for caregivers? Like what is one thing that you would share with caregivers that you learned from your experience that maybe surprised you?
Betsy Smith 39:43
One thing is that I could give my husband shots in his stomach. That was a pretty big surprise to me, but you have to do it. I’m gonna give you tips and they are tips. Self care before care of others. Eat well On rest, exercise, talk to friends. Forgive yourself for not being superhuman. share with other people what you’re going through because they may learn from it. And they may have tips or advice for you. Now I have a dear friend down here who’s both our both our sister just died. And her husband has been in congestive heart failure for a long time. She’s very private, I would keep up with her. Because I had been through I had been where she was with a sick person, but she didn’t stay in touch with very many people. And it will be interesting, and I’ll be here to help her get back into whatever her new normal is going to be. The other thing is, maintain your sense of humor, which is sounds strange. But when we were in that little tiny town in the middle of Texas, his four adult children, me we would just get hysterical over dinner over nothing. But it was a bonding and fortunately, my husband’s family, my family shared that laughter is the best medicine My my, my mother’s mantra was you might as well laugh is cry. So fine, find something funny and allowing yourself to laugh. Laughing is like exercise for your innards.
Victoria Volk 41:41
That’s a great tip. Would you like to share about your husband, who he was? What you loved about him?
Betsy Smith 41:50
Is my sister said he’s the smartest person she ever met. And I said, Hello, I have a PhD. He was one. He was brilliant. Give him an Excel spreadsheet. He was a happy man. He found tennis very late in life. So he played tennis three times a week with people a third of his age. He loved being with me when I presented. And I have another book that I co authored 10 years ago, you’d go to the boot signs, and he’d take care of all the finances. unique sense of humor. We just hit it off. But we were late in life. I was almost 50. And he was almost 60 When we, as we say started hanging out together. So we came at love and marriage from a different perspective than than at 40 year old one.
Victoria Volk 42:49
Yeah, I think you kind of cut the BS at that point, right?
Betsy Smith 42:52
Yeah, exactly. There was not much dancing around. It was cut to the chase. Right? Yeah.
Victoria Volk 43:01
What was his name? Jack his name? Jack Jack Harkin. Thank you so much for sharing that. Is there anything else you’d like to share that you didn’t get to?
Betsy Smith 43:13
No? I’m good. We we had a very interesting conversation. But I enjoyed it very much.
Victoria Volk 43:20
Yeah, I think it went I think we covered a lot of good ground from,
Betsy Smith 43:24
Like you said we we kind of weaved around and intertwined and was very enjoyable for me. Thank you.
Victoria Volk 43:32
You’re welcome. Thank you for being here. And and where can people find you and the book?
Betsy Smith 43:38
The book is on Amazon 15 bucks. And then there is a Kindle edition as well on Amazon. And I do work with families and friends of people individually or in groups, not to teach them how to hit handle the Medicare papers. But just to talk about strategies for dealing with the healthcare system.
Victoria Volk 44:06
Do you do that online or in person?
Betsy Smith 44:08
Either way online, in person on the phone, however they need to reach out?
Victoria Volk 44:13
And where can people find you to learn more about that?
Betsy Smith 44:15
Look at betsysmith.com
Victoria Volk 44:18
All right, and I will put your information in the show notes. And thank you so much for being here today. I I am really glad a lot of the topics came up because like I said they haven’t been covered yet on the podcast and I really appreciate your time and sharing. Thank you for the invitation. All right. And remember, when you unleash your heart, you unleash your life. Much love.