destined for miseryDestined for Misery?

I initially had this post titled: “Is Healing Possible?” But, that felt too predictable given my occupation as a Grief Recovery Method Specialist®. So, I wanted the title to feel more poignant of what we often feel in our grief – miserable. I thought I was destined to feel miserable for the rest of my life. I lacked direction, abused alcohol, lacked emotional control and tact, felt like I was on a rollercoaster ride I couldn’t get off of, and it took every ounce of my energy to focus and concentrate. I was also a “rage-y” mom, unfortunately for my kids.

Do you feel as though you are destined for misery? This post is for you. 💛

I recently read a LinkedIn post that prompted me to share my two cents, which has also inspired this week’s blog post.

This is the beautiful thing about perspective; we all have a point-of-view we bring to the table, and it’s formed through experience. And because all of us uniquely experience life, every perspective contributes to every conversation, even conversations about grief.

The post’s author talked about how, as someone who counsels the bereaved, she has stopped using words and phrases like heal, recover, move on, move forward, or thrive.

I did agree with a lot of what she wrote. However, a bigger part of me feels like it’s important for all grievers to feel like there’s hope. If you don’t have hope, what do you have to hold onto that gets you up and moving the next day?

The opposite of hope is hopelessness and, that’s a slippery slope that I personally know, too. When dark thoughts start to enter the mind, it becomes harder to crawl out of that dark hole.

Additionally, I believe by not using the language of possibility, then what language is left?

Is it important to sit in our feelings to process and work through them? Absolutely! Do I personally want to stay there? Absolutely not. Do I want the clients I work with to stay in that dark place either? No. Taking action moves people forward.

Moving forward is an action.

Thriving is an action.

Recovering is an action.

Healing is an action.

And, my friends, there is hope when you’re taking action.

So, you will always see me use these words because they’re important in the language of grief that grievers see that there’s a path forward. There is a way out of the misery, pain, and emotional and physical dis-ease grief causes.

How Do You Want To Feel?

Is grief normal and natural? Yes. Everything about it is normal and natural. 

Do you want the experiences that grief often brings to be your “new normal,” or do you want to feel empowered and stand emotionally confident in your grief experience?

The shortest line in the Bible is two words: Jesus wept. It’s normal and natural to weep. But, do you want to be a sea of tears on the floor because you’re holding on to the pain of what you cannot change? 

There is no timeline to grief. It’s one of the myths of grief, actually. So yes, be a pile of tears on the floor; however, ask yourself if that’s where you want to stay for the rest of your life, and you’d say “No!” When the time is right for you to pick yourself up off the floor, you will. But, the pain will remain unless you do the deep work to address it.

The quickest way to get out of our own heads is to serve others. That’s an action, too. Healing is a by-product of being of service to others. Moving forward and thriving are, too.

These are a few ways that come to mind to frame these words to mean something more than what a griever should aspire to do.

I write it that way: ...what a griever should aspire to do...because the only real “supposed to” in grief is to take care of oneself, whatever that looks like for the individual.

Ask any grieve how they want to feel, and not a single one will go on and on about…

How much joy their emotional pain brings them.

How they can’t get enough of their pain and can’t wait to see how non-amazing they feel the next day, even though they may care less if they wake up to greet the sun.

We Are All Grievers

People don’t find pleasure in grief. And, if you deny that you’re a griever, think again! I don’t know a single human who doesn’t grieve something – who doesn’t have particular emotional responses to something someone did, said, or something that happened yesterday, 5 years ago, 30 years ago, or a situation that’s been negatively impacting them.

If you’ve moved, changed careers, never had a dream come true, missed an opportunity, didn’t take a chance, experienced divorce, death of a loved one, a decline in health, have chronic pain, pet loss, Covid, child loss, miscarriage – oh my gosh, do I need to go on?


And, there’s no such thing as a half-griever; we all grieve at 100%.

Now that I’ve driven that point home and clarified who is a griever, do you see how language matters?

If I told you that you would forever feel the pain you do today about your deceased loved one as you did yesterday and the year before, I would be the last person you’d want to work with, right?

But what if I spoke to what’s possible for your life, potential, and your emotional state and mindset regardless of what happened to you? You would probably be skeptical, but it sure gives you more hope doesn’t it?

When you don’t know something exists that can transform the lives of grievers in seven or eight weeks, you don’t know that it’s honestly possible. If you don’t know about an evidence-based program that walks a griever, regardless of their loss, through a structured and supported process that guides them through their own healing experience, you don’t know it’s possible to heal, recover, move on, move forward, and thrive. And, that is exactly what I felt well up in me and needed to be shared as I read that LinkedIn post.

As you read this today, I guarantee you that your unprocessed emotions are hindering you somehow. If you would be completely honest with yourself for just a moment, ask yourself this: What am I trying to forget?  The answer to that question holds a clue to what is emotionally stagnant in your heart. And, I promise you, you are bringing that emotional energy to everything you do and every interaction you have. And the more experiences you’re trying to forget, the greater the impact it’s having on you because grief is cumulative and it’s cumulatively negative. If that question doesn’t resonate, try this one on: What am I struggling with?

So, my friend…There is hope if you are ready to heal, recover, move on, move forward, and thrive. Entertain the possibility that it’s possible. Read the stories of thousands upon thousands who have gone through The Grief Recovery Method, the only evidence-based program of its kind. It is also the only grief support program to receive such a distinction. It wouldn’t have made it over 40 years if it didn’t work.

The Grief Recovery Method changed my life. And, without a doubt in my mind, I know it can change yours by allowing you to live in the present moment, start a new relationship with someone you’re grieving or who was less than loving, or heal a traumatic experience. I have applied this method to many areas of my life. It has helped me address my relationship with money, alcohol, inner-child, and countless relationships in my life with those living and deceased. It had helped me heal trauma from sexual abuse as a child, the death of my father when I was a child, and do the inner-work to have positive relationships with otherwise challenging people in my life.

Never let anyone tell you something is impossible, including healing, recovery, moving on, moving forward, or thriving. 💛

Are you ready to go from surviving your grief to thriving alongside your grief? The difference is, the sadness is love with nowhere to go. Emotional pain is poison you take, all the while, wishing something would change. And, my friend, you do have the power to change your life experience. All it takes is an open and willing heart.

If your heart is open and willing, I am here for you and invite you to contact me. 💛

much love, victoria


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