dead dad club

T-L: Vietnam, T-R: Already in Stage IV Cancer, Middle-L: Diagnosed at Stage IV Colon cancer; I was going to “fix” my dad, Bottom-L: Combing my dad’s hair for church, Bottom-R: My dad’s last birthday with 8 months to live

It didn’t hit me until I saw the words that felt like a punch in the gut…

#deaddadclub

A few days ago, I started a blog post that was going to dig a bit deeper into inspiration and what it means to me. However, I was on Instagram and I saw the hashtag #deaddadclub within a post talking about this woman’s loss and upcoming Father’s Day. I realized, at that moment, that I had never allowed myself to honor my father on father’s day. I also hadn’t felt so pierced in the heart by three words.

I’m in a club of many members. I know this. But I think what I’ve longed for is connecting with others, who, like myself, lost their father’s during childhood. I have come to know that there has been a connection I’ve longed for all my life and have been missing. What we lack in childhood, we continually search for in adulthood, don’t you think?

Old Wounds

While I shared first (as we always do as facilitators of the Grief Recovery Method) in my Grief Recovery Group, I felt a deep sorrow well up within me when I began to share about my uncle’s passing in 2017. I share more about the relationship in my book, but the gist of it is is that, when my father passed away, there no longer was contact with father’s side of the family – including my uncle. However, 30 years later, when I learned my uncle was diagnosed with a brain tumor, I made the decision to go see him. That visit and the several that followed were life-changing. And, I do believe, that experience is what ultimately led me to The Grief Recovery Institute because I realized I was not okay. And, it is no coincidence to me that I wrote my book when I did, as it was in the editing phase when I learned of his cancer diagnoses.

Being in the presence of my uncle felt like I was in the presence of my dad. The sad inner-child in me came to the surface and I had no idea what to do with those feelings. For the past two years since my uncle’s passing, although life has given me little to complain about, I  had been feeling like I was not living with purpose. And, I also felt like I was still looking for meaning in my suffering.  I spent the past two years STERB’ing (participating in short-term energy relieving behaviors) by working, serving my family/others, and doing my best to create something that could help others and (to me) failed to do so. The universe was telling me “Not yet, you’re not ready. You have inner-work to do first.” The death of my uncle was a reminder that I had a lot of healing to do and the experience I had at my group the other night – is another.

Moving Beyond Grief

We are always a work-in-progress; this is the evolution of our hearts, spirit, and our lives. The Grief Recovery Method has opened my heart in the most unexpected ways. It has also brought me the awareness I only wish I had received in my early 20’s.

As I walk with others in their grief, I am also continually walking through mine. It is a shared experience and grief is the one thing that unites us all because we all experience it. I am beyond thankful that I now have the tools to process what I’m feeling and the village around me to do so, too.

This will be the first year I am allowing myself to honor my dad for Father’s Day and I’m going to do something different. I have something in mind but we’ll see…I will definitely share an update. There has always been one date that has stuck in my mind when I’ve thought about my dad: March 31st, 1987 – the day he died; not his birthday (a year and a day before my mom’s – July 30th, 1942), and certainly not Father’s Day. I think it’s a good time to change that and begin to celebrate the 8 short years I did get to have him in my life. His death may have changed the trajectory of my life, but it will no longer keep me the stuck 8-year-old in my heart; that – I can change.

2019 has already been a big year for me. My goal is to make 2019 a big year for many, many other grieving hearts as well. 

Are you ready to feel empowered by your grief, rather than isolated, hurting, and fearful because of it? Let’s turn 2019 around for you, too. Sign up for my newsletter below and be kept up to date on future informational talks on grief, upcoming group announcements, and weekly inspiration & nudges about grief and personal growth from my heart to yours – straight to your inbox every Wednesday. <3 It’s never too soon and it’s never too late to begin to heal. I can attest to that!

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