Grieving Voices Guest, Grieving Voices Podcast, LGBTQ+, Mental Health, Podcast, Suicide |
SHOW NOTES SUMMARY:
This week on Grieving Voices is a mental health discussion with Lisa Sugarman – a multifaceted advocate who has overcome personal tragedies to make an impact. As a suicide loss survivor and crisis counselor, her insights are invaluable during Mental Health Awareness Month.
Lisa’s journey is one marked by unexpected turns. From being a content creator in the parenting space to confronting the harsh realities of mental illness following revelations about her father’s death, she exemplifies resilience and strength. Her story highlights how secrets can shape our lives and the importance of community support in healing from grief.
Key Takeaways:
- The power of listening over advising when it comes to parenting teens.
- Balancing work-life as an entrepreneur involves recognizing limits and practicing self-care.
- The transformative experience gained through crisis counseling at The Trevor Project.
- The connection between unresolved pain and suicide.
- Community is a crucial element for those dealing with mental health issues or contemplating suicide.
Lisa reminds us that connection is vital and perhaps lifesaving for those struggling silently. This episode encourages open conversations around mental health while providing solace and understanding for those touched by suicide loss.
As a proud member of the LGBTQ+ community and as a crisis counselor with The Trevor Project, Lisa passionately advocates for providing hope to young people facing crises.
Through sharing her own experiences with vulnerability and resilience, she reminds us all that transparency can aid in coping with grief. Self-care strategies are vital for navigating these tough times effectively.
RESOURCES:
CONNECT:
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NEED HELP?
- National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 1-800-273-8255
- Crisis Text Line provides free, 24/7 support via text message. Text HOME to 741741 to connect with a trained Crisis Counselor
If you are struggling with grief due to any of the 40+ losses, free resources are available HERE.
CONNECT WITH VICTORIA:
In today’s blog post, we’re going to explore the profound insights shared by Lisa Sugarman on this week’s episode of “Grieving Voices.” As part of Mental Health Awareness Month, it is crucial that we amplify voices like Lisa’s – voices that have turned personal tragedy into a beacon of hope for others.
The Unseen Battle
Lisa’s journey wasn’t always centered around mental health advocacy. Originally focusing her writing on parenting advice, she was thrust onto this path after experiencing suicide loss within her family. Losing her father at ten years old left a mark on Lisa; however, it wasn’t until 35 years later that she discovered his death was by suicide. This revelation not only brought clarity but also propelled her towards helping others navigate through similar pain.
Listening as an Act of Love
One key message from our conversation with Lisa resonates particularly strong: when raising teens—or dealing with anyone who might be struggling—it’s more important to listen than to lecture. Creating spaces where open dialogue can flourish without judgment is essential in fostering trust and understanding between parents and children or any two individuals for that matter.
Self-Care Isn’t Selfish
As someone who balances parenthood and professional life herself, Lisa underscores self-care as foundational to effective parenting and productivity. It isn’t selfish; rather it allows us to recharge so we can be present for those we care about most.
The Power of Secrets Revealed
The discovery about her father’s cause of death strengthened the bond between Lisa and her mother while highlighting how complex grief could become when shrouded in secrecy during times when mental health discussions were taboo.
Pain Shared Is Pain Divided
Lisa emphasizes that while each case is individualized, extreme pain seems to be a common thread leading people toward considering suicide. She advocates strongly for community support systems as critical safety nets for those battling suicidal thoughts—reminding us all that love alone may not always suffice in preventing such tragedies but connection can make a significant difference.
Addressing Suicide Directly
Discussing suicidal thoughts openly can prevent these dark considerations from growing unchecked in isolation. Asking someone directly if they’re contemplating self-harm opens up lines of communication which are often vital lifelines themselves.
For example, organizations like The Trevor Project provide crucial support networks specifically tailored towards LGBTQ youth—a group close to Lisa’s heart due both to personal losses tied to suicide within this community and identifying as LGBTQ+ herself.
Embracing Vulnerability Through Transparency
Throughout our talk with Lisa Sugarman, one thing became crystal clear—the power inherent in sharing your story transparently cannot be overstated. Not only does it serve therapeutic purposes for yourself but also helps guide others through their healing processes.
Moreover, resilience grows from vulnerability; allowing oneself time and space to heal fosters strength over time.
Lisa encourages everyone—to reach out proactively within their communities because sometimes those suffering wear no visible signs.
And finally—always prioritize maintaining your well-being so you remain capable enough to offer meaningful support where needed.
To conclude our discussion:
*Seek Therapy Early**: Don’t wait until you feel overwhelmed before seeking help.
*Offer Specific Help**: When supporting someone grieving or struggling mentally – specific offers tend better than vague ones.
*Remember Children Aren’t Therapists**: Parents should avoid burdening kids with roles beyond their emotional maturity level.
If you want further insight into navigating grief or wish simply connect with like-minded individuals advocating mental health awareness—you’ll find solace under the guidance offered by experts like [Lisa Sugarman](http://lisashugarman.com/). Her books provide practical wisdom while being laced throughout with heartfelt empathy born out experiences many will relate too intimately yet rarely discuss openly.
Thank you once again for tuning into “Grieving Voices” — together let us continue making conversations around grief less taboo so healing becomes accessible universally!
Episode Transcription:
Victoria: Thank you for tuning in to this week’s episode of grieving voices. Today, I am happy to address a very important topic for mental health awareness month. I have Lisa Sugarman with me. She is an author, a nationally syndicated columnist, a three-time survivor of suicide loss, a mental health advocate, and a crisis counselor with the Trevor Project. She’s also a storyteller with the national alliance of mental illness and the host of the suicide survivor series on YouTube. Lisa writes an opinion column. We are who we are and is the author of “How to Raise Perfectly Imperfect Kids and Be Okay With It,” “Untied: Parent Anxiety.” And “Life, It Is What It Is.” All all of their available on Amazon, Barnes and Noble, and everywhere books are sold. Her work has appeared on health line, parenthood, grown, and flown. Today parents Thrive Global, The Washington Post, little things, and more content now. Lives and writes just north of Boston, and you can visit her online at lisa sugar mint dot com, which I will put a link to the show notes to your website and your books and all of your things. Just poking around on your website, you do have a very extensive mental health resource hub. Mine is quite modest compared to yours, and it is. It really is. I mean, if you have a few moments to check it out, I highly recommend you you do so, and you also have a lot of just quick, like, kind of cheat sheets, if you will Mhmm. On there as well. And is this the work that you always thought you’d be doing?
Lisa: One thousand percent, no. Nope. I never imagined myself doing this kind of work in this space as an advocate, as a counselor. I mean, everything that I’m doing right now has has come as much of a surprise to me. As I think it has to everybody who is close to me kind of, you know, in my immediate world, but it was just the most natural transition for me.
To fall into this space in light of just my story that I know you and I’ll talk quite a bit about. But my story and some some pretty powerful revelations in my life that have come out in the last decade. And just, I guess, my need to do something to make an impact in the mental health space.
Victoria: Ten years before, you found yourself in this space. What were you doing?
Lisa: So I’ve always been a writer. That that hasn’t changed. I’ve always created content and I’ve been many different types of writers. I’ve been a newspaper journalist. I’ve written for magazines. I’ve written for publishing companies, done lots of marketing and PR, and and that sort of thing. I’ve been a columnist for many years. I’ve written books. And so I I did all of that in the parenting space predominantly. It’s just the place I found myself in.
You know, I I my husband and I have to they’re now grown daughters almost twenty four and almost twenty seven. So we’ve kind of cycled through that whole parenting stage of life with little kids and college kids. And that’s what I was writing about. I mean, that was the space I was in. It was what I was doing day to day. I was writing about the work life balance, and I was a working mom, and my husband traveled a ton, and and it was really just about that family dynamic, and that’s where everything’s centered. And it was really I think it was really almost kind of an overnight gift about ten years ago that kind of brought me into the space. But I’m in that.
Victoria: We’ll put a pin in that piece
Lisa: if it’s a pin.
Victoria: I we will. I wanna rewind just for a moment because Mhmm. I just wanna touch on what you were sharing about, writing about parenthood and that was the space you were in and you wrote books about that, you know, how to raise perfectly and perfect kids and be okay with it. Can you share a little bit just because and you mentioned balance. So I just for mental health awareness month, Can you share a little bit about mental health raising teens?
Number one. And today, particularly as in hindsight with what you know now. And then also, there’s a two part question. For entrepreneurs listening, who have kids who are doing all the things. What has balance been for you?
Is there such a thing?
Lisa: Too per question. I guess there’s balance, but there’s like a precarious balance as far as I’m concerned. So the first the first question. I think that the best advice I could give or the best comment that I could make about being a parent of a team or, you know, a young adult child is keep your mouth shut. Keep your mouth shut in large part, not always.
At the right times if you can, and take a step back and do at least as much listening to your kids as you’re doing talking to your kids. When I kind of arrived in that place of understanding that they had as much to share with me as I had to share with them. It was kind of a game changer for me, if that makes sense. Like, I you’d as parents were just kind of hardwired to wanna talk to them and teach them and guide them and advise them and do all the things and and at the end of the day, that is what we’re supposed to be doing. But we’re also supposed to be allowing them to kind of do the same thing.
Like, we’re figuring out how to be parents when our kids are figuring out how to be humans. So there’s a whole bunch of figuring of things out that we all have to be, I think, a little gracious to each other when we’re in that position. So that’s what I would say, you know, to to a parent of a child in in that space and time is just spend as much time as you can listening to your kids than creating space for them to have those conversations because they have an awful lot to say. We just don’t think they do. The second part of your question is a little more complicated for the balancing part.
So, look, it’s like trial by fire, you know. I think that when you keep your own self care as kind of an anchor in your life, recognizing that you’re absolutely useless to yourself, your family, your extended your immediate failure extended family, your friends, your job, your useless, if you’re not okay inside. If your mental health and your physical health aren’t good, there is no balance. There’s no such thing as balance. I don’t think or I haven’t found.
And it’s only when the there’s harmony with those things and you give yourself again giving yourself grace. To do what you need to do. Take the time you need to take, you know, focus on what you need as a human being. And then obviously, of course, what your kids need, what your partner needs, what your family needs. I think the rest, I think the balance part comes a lot easier when you do that or when I’ve done that for sure.
Victoria: And I think for myself personally, it’s like recognizing my limits Mhmm. What are what are my limits? And then where can I fill that gap? And where can I ask for help and support?
Lisa: Mhmm. Yeah. That’s big.
Victoria: Also found too, like, with because I’m I’m in the trenches of college and teen pre college years. And Well, what a what a tramp.
Lisa: Yeah. That’s an understatement.
Victoria: But I think one thing that I have found personally you know, we we have two ears and one mouth for a reason. Right? Like, to touch on what he shared, but I have phoned because I can go into teacher preacher mode. You know, I’ve been there. I’ve done that.
No. We always wanna share Yeah. So which way to them? Just Listen to me, you know, just I I wanna spare you. But I also recognize that the hard lessons are where growth is.
And so Mhmm. What I found personally that’s helped for me is when I feel like I I want to give advice or I want to, yeah, give advice. That may be unsolicited. Rather, I propose it as a question, get very inquisitive and curious. And so I pose it as a question.
Like, well, what do you think about this? For example, just for example, let’s say they’re, you know, dating relationships. Right? If they’re dating somebody, you know, are you talking at her or are you talking with her when I’m recognizing something that I’m hearing or seeing. Right?
And so it’s not telling him what to do, not telling my son what to do or how to communicate with his girlfriend, but being inquisitive about how he’s going about that.
Lisa: Mhmm. You
Victoria: know, and he’s his response. Fair, fair point. Like, yeah. Like, he got it. I didn’t have to lecture him for an hour about how to communicate with someone.
You know? So I think it’s just posing things as a as a curious question.
Lisa: Yeah. I, you know, I love that you do that because it allows your son or our kids to kind of retain agency over themselves and where the conversation’s going. And what advice they’re getting and and not getting and how they’re getting it. I’ll tell you something interesting, and I I know we’ll probably chat about it later, but it that just made me think of how much my capacity for holding space has changed our capacity, but I guess my skill set with holding space has changed since I became a crisis counselor with the Trevor project. Because the way that we are taught to hold space as crisis counselors involves basically completely removing ourselves from the conversation.
We’re part of the conversation but nothing is ever about me. Nothing I we don’t disclose our real name where we are in the world. Whether we’re gay, straight, or otherwise, whether we have families, what our opinions are, like absolutely nothing, no anecdotal, hey, that happened to me and I understand or I can relate or nothing. And that was a really, really big mind shift for me, but it was all focused on once I got it, and I understood that it was all about helping the person on the phone maintain that agency over the conversation and over themselves, it it completely, I guess, revolutionized the way that I have a conversation with someone and hold space and and the same applies. It’s very similar in nature, I think, to what you’re saying, about how you’re engaging with your kids because it’s a game changer too.
Victoria: I just connected the dot for myself. So thank you for sharing that. In that because people would ask me all the time. That’s one of the big questions I get because I I work with Grievers. Right?
I I hear and I talk with Grievers all the time on my podcast and, like,
Lisa: how can
Victoria: you listen to all that sadness and heavy stuff all the time? How can you work with brivers and deal with all that. And I always thought the answer was, oh, all this energy work that I’ve done personally on myself, but to be it just hit me. It’s like, I’ve done a lot of work on myself Yeah. To be able to hold space for other people.
Including my kids
Lisa: Mhmm. To remove
Victoria: my just exactly what you said. So I really I think it’s giving credit to I think the deep work that you’ve done for yourself to be able to be there for other people and also for myself. And I’ve, you know, and I’ve said it to other people, like, you can only sit with others in their pain to the capacity that you’ve worked through your own. You know, to the depth that you’ve worked through your own.
Lisa: Mhmm.
Victoria: But I never got it until you just shared that.
Lisa: So Well, it’s all perspective. Right? It’s that’s that’s what we’re here to do. We’re here to, you know, to make each other a little wiser.
Victoria: And I’ll let that be kind of this motivation for people, especially parents, to take the time to work on themselves because you do become a much better parent than your that your child needs you to be than what you think they need. You know,
Lisa: it’s true. It’s very true. And it’s necessary. And it’s part of that whole learning curve, that whole process. That’s, you know, where we’re supposed to get a little snappier every day, a little bit stronger every day.
Our skill set is supposed to deepen a little bit more as we as we go on.
Victoria: So what shifted ten years ago? I know it. I know it shifted.
Lisa: You know it shifted. Yeah. It
Victoria: What a way to change the topic.
Lisa: Yeah. Right. Right. So ten years ago, I learned Well, I’ll back up. Before I give the, I guess, what would be a pretty big reveal?
I’ll back up and say that I lost my father when I was ten years old. So I’m fifty five years old now. I lost my father forty five years ago. I’m an only child. My dad was everything in the world to me.
And he passed away very, very suddenly of what I was told was a massive heart attack. My dad was a really he was very active, very physically fit but he was also a very big smoker. And so that was not a hard that was not a hard narrative to digest because it was awful. And it was life changing, but it made sense. Like, he had a Mastercard attack.
He was a smoker. I connected those dots and there was no question. Fast forward thirty five years until I was forty five, which was ironically the same age that my father wasn’t passed away. I discovered very much by accident that my dad had taken his own life. And that was just that was a that was a time.
Yep. That was a time. For me that everything just imploded because it was nothing I ever suspected. It was nothing I ever even remotely considered. And I just, like, bumped into family member I hadn’t seen in years and we were talking.
And my husband and I was I was having lunch somewhere at an outdoor cafe. She sat down and we were catching up and she asked me about my kids and my girls were teens at the time. And she asked me if I got out of the blue picked for it, like, out of the blue asked me if my kids had any of the same depression and mental illness that my father had. And I did not know what in the hell she was talking about. And it but but that being said, I as puzzled as I was by the conversation.
I I didn’t ask her anything about it. I think I was too stunned in that moment. I didn’t know where it was coming from. I kind of let the conversation come and go and she left and I turned to my husband as what in the hell was that? I have no idea what that was.
My mom and I are extremely, extremely close. We talk multiple times a day he’s my best friend in the world. I didn’t run to her after that thinking, mom, what am I missing? Like, well, I didn’t do that. Surprisingly.
Kind of the next time she and I were together, which wasn’t too long after that, we were sitting or having lunch, and we were just doing like a normal reminiscing that we would always do. Nothing out of the ordinary. And very much in a in a spontaneous moment, I I asked her, my father had been depressed. And she said, yes. And before I knew it, was coming out of my mouth.
I had never thought about it. I had never asked myself the question. Certainly was not prepared to ask my mother the question. Never crossed my conscious mind. All of a sudden, I don’t know where I blurt it out.
Did dad take his life? And she said, yes. And she explained to me that he had taken his life and that in that moment when she was, you know, considering everything that was happening Now going forward, me and I was ten at the time and had no siblings and it was just the two of us, what would she do? How would I react? What would that do to me?
Losing him, what would that do to me? But then finding out it was a suicide, what would that do to me? And so she she made that decision in that moment to shield me from that truth and to tell me that he had died of a heart attack and never spoke about it with anyone anyone ever. Until he and I talked about it forty well, I was forty five. So that’s what that was that was the that’s my why for doing what I’m doing.
And it it unfortunately was not just my father dying by suicide. A cousin of mine took his life a year before my father. And that I didn’t know was a suicide at the time. That was my first experience kind of understanding even just in general terms what suicide was. And then three years ago, my husband and I had a very, very close childhood friend.
He took his life very unexpectedly. So we’ve kind of had that trifecta of suicide in our life. And I just I needed to do something with it. I needed I needed to kind of change it up and and take whatever I went through or whatever I learned from it. That lived experience and just pay it forward.
So here I am.
Victoria: Did it change your relationship with your mother?
Lisa: It made it even not that I ever thought that this was possible, it made it stronger. My mother is a force of nature. My mother is one of the most remarkable humans that I’ve ever known. She is incredibly resilient and so kind and generous and supportive in every way. And I knew instantly I mean, I was a mom.
I had already been a mom of teenage kids by the time I found out about dad. So I in that moment knew immediately didn’t need an explanation. I understood exactly why she kept it from me. And and to hear it from her, she would say, you know, then you were going off to, like, middle school and high school. And I didn’t wanna lay that on you.
And then you were going up to college and then you were getting married. So it was like there was all there were always these these, like, mile markers that these big you know, kind of inflection points in my life, and she didn’t wanna hit me with it when I was already dealing with, you know, a big transition in life. And so then she just kind of resigned. She never just say anything. Like, why did I need to know?
Victoria: Did she ever share with you what keeping that secret had done to her or what it was doing to her or how it affected her or impacted her?
Lisa: My mom, as I said, is one of the most resilient humans that you’ve ever met. She’s that this this amazing capacity. She’s just the most content person. And I think my my mom she says this all the time. She said this my entire life.
Is one of the most social and loving and outgoing people you’ve you’ve met. She’s also she also considers herself her own best friend. So she I I remember she would always say to me, you know, I’d be in the car and I’d be talking to myself than having a conversation and kind of working through things and, you know, or if I was off at school, she would do things like that. You know, she he just she never harbored any ill will toward my father at all. She said, I never since the day I learned that it was a suicide, which was, you know, the day he died, there was a note was found, so it was it was pretty clear.
He said I never have had a single moment of any dealings of anger. Or dad. I I’ve always understood. Okay. She knew the kind of pressure he was under.
It was really my father’s family. We don’t know what was going on under the surface. We know that my dad started seeing a psychiatrist maybe a month before he died. Because there was so much stress on his side of the family. My parents came from two very very different families.
My mom’s family is pure love, pure love and joy and kindness and support, and my dad’s family was I mean, I you know, I don’t I don’t even wanna say what my father’s family was was like, it was not an awful lot of love to be found. My dad’s side of the family. And that was it was obvious. I was a little kid, and I knew it. And it weighed on him.
He did everything he possibly could. To help his family. Nothing was ever enough and there was a lot of stress. And I don’t know what kind of mental illness he had, like, layered on top of that. But without knowing the actual why, which we don’t know.
I mean, the note that he left was more of just an apology. I just can’t I can’t go on anymore, and I love you both. And I’m sorry. But we have our suspicions about, you know, kind of what the family dynamic did to his mental health. So, yeah, my my mom, it only made me love and appreciate her that much more because I’m incredibly great sold to her.
I don’t know what I would have done at that point in time without the kind of resources that they have in place today for young kids who are are trying to navigate this kind of grief and loss because it’s it’s just a shit show when you’re trying to navigate a suicide law. Like any losses such a devastating thing to navigate. But when you compound that by a suicide, like, that’s a whole different animal. And for a little kid, to have been doing that in the 70s when nobody was talking about suicide. No one was talking about mental health.
No one was being open about going to therapy. Resources didn’t exist. I don’t know I don’t know if I’d still be here, to be honest with you. So
Victoria: You know, there’s two kinds of secrets. Right? The secrets to protect and the secrets that do harm and I wonder what do you feel about people who who chose that route, who chose that route, but I think do I mean, do you feel like there’s a connection between secrets and people who choose? Choose that? Or is it Is it purely mental illness?
Lisa: Meaning suicide, people use suicide? I mean, it’s no situational. I mean, I think it’s it’s so nuanced from person to person for sure. But there are obviously all these similarities attached to suicide that, you know, that kind of connects you know, connect suicides in general. I think that
Victoria: Maybe the better maybe the better question is, how much of it do you think is unresolved grief?
Lisa: Taking your life, I don’t know if I don’t know if it’s unresolved grief as much as unresolved pain. Not that there is too much of a distinction between the two, like grief is pain, but I think that when I talk about suicide in this context. I always say the same thing. The people who have taken their lives are not taking their lives to get away from you or to get away from me or to get away from their family or their community or their friends or their life. They’re taking their own life because they cannot emotionally go on anymore.
They they there is no way that they can exist and be joyful or exist and be productive. Like, they’re in pain. And it took me a really long time to arrive at that understanding. And once I did, it was like it was like ninety day instantaneous that the kind of mind shift that happened for me personally because I when my cousin passed away in nineteen seventy seven, and that was my as I said, it was my first experience with suicide. Not because anyone implanted this belief system in my head, but because I cultivated it all by myself, I just kind of silently quietly believed going forward in my life that suicide was a very selfish act, which is a very, very common response to suicide.
You’re like, well, why couldn’t they just speak up? Or Why couldn’t it work through it or why couldn’t they get help? Not that simple, but it wasn’t until I learned about my own father’s suicide. And really started studying mental illness and the impact of mental illness and depression and the fact that it’s just it’s an illness. It’s an illness that needs to be treated the way you would treat heart disease or cancer or, you know, the way that you would try to heal after an accident.
It’s no different. And it’s beyond your control, and that’s what people don’t understand. It’s so abstract. Like mental illness seems so abstract, but it’s an illness at the end of the day. And so it took me a long time to to recognize that it was really an issue of someone being so desperate to just stop hurting.
That’s why they take their life. It’s not selfish. It’s the only it’s the only choice they feel they’ve got, which is just unfortunate.
Victoria: I had a guest early on when my when I first started my podcast. In fact, it’s a two parter because we had quite an extensive conversation, but he was on the bridge, I believe, in San Francisco, and he was going to jump and take his own life. And
Lisa: Mhmm.
Victoria: You know, he had a brief second, but this thought that came over him and and stopped himself. And I and maybe there, perhaps, someone came on the bridge. That that might have been too. I mean, that’s been quite a while since I’ve recorded with him. But it’s one of my earlier episodes.
David is his first name. But he had shared with me and this is what I remember him sharing is that you know, the connection is the anecdote to having those suicidal thoughts. Like, connection is not the cure, but it is the the bridge to healing when you’re having those kinds of thoughts. What do you say to that?
Lisa: Oh, I absolutely agree with that. I think connection and community I’m I’m reading a book right now. By Francis Well, or I don’t know if you ever read it. It’s called the Wild Edge of sorrow. And He’s just just an absolutely brilliant man and he’s doing these, you know, grief and healing practices for years.
And he talked about that very specifically that he talked about the fact that at the end of the day, It’s community that helps us heal, it’s community that helps us grieve, it’s community that helps us navigate loss or tragedy or you know, some kind of misfortune. It’s by staying together as a unit and leaning on one another. Like, we’re not we’re not supposed to be here alone for a reason. We’re not We’re not all here by ourselves. We’re here to create these relationships.
And I think that community is is that linchpin that, you know, that can keep us rounded and, you know, and keep us kind of reinforced if that makes sense.
Victoria: What would you say to people who are listening and from your own personal experience Mhmm. Where they may feel guilt because their love their connection to the person just wasn’t enough.
Lisa: Mhmm. That’s a tough I mean, I’ve been I’ve been there. I’ve been in that position. I mean, granted I give myself a lot of leeway where that’s concerned because I was ten years old. So how can a ten year old really understand what a grown up is going through, especially like in the case of my father, he he didn’t he didn’t display like he was someone who was mentally ill, like he was hurting like nothing.
We knew absolutely nothing. But, I mean, as I’ve gotten older, you know, it’s impossible to avoid having those feelings of guilt. Like, if if I had asked him more questions or if I had stayed closer to him, it’s inevitable and it’s human nature. You know, we we blame ourselves because we just we feel so helpless and we feel like you know, what could we have said, what could we have done? I mean, I know all of us in our friend group who lost our friend a few years ago, kicked ourselves for a very long time.
What did we miss? What did we not see? How could we possibly not known this was so imminent. And you gotta release yourself from that. You really have to release yourself from that, especially when you’re in a situation where you would absolutely know what idea that the person is struggling.
Like that, you don’t you you can’t help but you don’t know, which is why it’s so incredibly important for the person who is hurting to reach out, reach out to a friend or a family member, a place where you feel safe or call a lifeline, or if you’re, you know, if you’re already connected with a therapist, like be, open, be honest because that’s the only way that people can ever help is when they know.
Victoria: People might be asking themselves then listening. Is the responsibility on the person struggling?
Lisa: I think two that’s a hard one. Two point maybe to a point in terms of vulnerability, sure. I think in as much as they have the capacity to reach out and just say, if it’s only a matter of saying, hey, I’m not okay. I need help. I mean, I think it’s it’s like anything.
It’s a shared responsibility. Like, when you’re talking about, you know, when you’re talking about community a minute ago, I think it’s everybody’s responsibility to be looking out for everybody and to care for each other and to check-in on each other. So I I think it’s all a shared responsibility to a point. I mean, I think that when a person is struggling and at that, like, on the brink and that close to making that kind of decision, thinking about suicide, it becomes challenging because I don’t, you know, you don’t know how much they have the capacity to reach out or to articulate. It can be really parallelizing that kind of depression that’s always attached to that level of pain that can really mess your head up.
It can really contaminate your thinking and and your, you know, it it can create a lot of irrational thought processes and I think, you know, it’s as much of their responsibility to try and articulate just that they’re not okay, and then it’s our response validate and meet them the other half of the way and say, what can I do? How can I help?
Victoria: In my training that I have received, but mental health and grief and all of that. One of the things that I think is a misconception for a lot of people is that if they come right out and ask, Do you have thoughts or have you had thoughts of harming yourself? You’re not gonna send that person down that spiral. Right? They’ve already had those thoughts if the answer is yes.
Lisa: But I
Victoria: think sometimes they’re just people who are struggling are just waiting for someone to ask. Yeah. It’s like the elephant in the room, you know.
Lisa: Yeah. Yeah. What that does? I’m glad you brought that up because it’s such an important piece of of this whole equation. It is a very big misconception that by suggesting that someone, you know, is that low that you’re gonna cause them to harm themselves.
The truth of it is, there have been so many studies that have supported that it’s actually the opposite. When you address that elephant in the room right away with that line very specific language to, like, are you thinking of killing yourself? I know it’s so off putting and jarring. Even GCU and I just talking about asking that question is like people get a visceral reaction to it because it’s so intense. But what it’s actually proven is that it validates the person’s feelings.
It gives them that that that doorway to help that, you know, that opening to say, I’m actually not, okay. And, you know, people I think a lot of people hesitate to ask the question because they’re really they’re scared to death about what the answer be in, like, how the hell do I handle it? If somebody says, well, yeah. Actually, I’m not okay. What what the hell do I do for now?
But it’s not your responsibility. And I’m saying, when I say it’s not your responsibility, I’m speaking now to whoever you are, who knows someone who is struggling. It’s not your responsibility to fix the problem. So take that out of the equation because that is not the responsibility that falls on you. What you can do is empower that person who’s struggling with someone who can help.
Empower them with if it’s nothing more, then, hey, I know you’re I know you’re struggling. I can hear it. Can you call nine eight eight? Call the lifeline? Or in my case, because I I work with the Trevor project, call the Trevor project hotline.
Or reach out to your therapist. And it’s about getting that person connected with the people who can help. That’s all that someone kind of needs to have in their back pocket. It’s just that the knowledge of those lifeline numbers or even that they exist and just and just make that suggestion.
Victoria: Can you share a little bit more about the Trevor project and how you’re halfway into this?
Lisa: Yeah. That was that it’s kind of an interesting little journey for me. So the Trevor Project for for people who are listening who don’t know is the country’s largest LGBTQ centric support lifeline, excuse me, more or LGBTQ youth ages thirteen to twenty four who are crisis. So we are nationwide. We also have an office in Mexico.
And we take calls twenty four hours a day, seven days a week from youth and crisis in the LGBTQ community who are struggling with everything that you could possibly imagine someone would call it like flying with, whether it be stressed about coming out or suicidal ideation or homicidal ideation or abuse or homelessness. Any reason why anyone would call a life flight. But in a way that I got on involved with it is that it’s a for me, it felt like the natural intersection of everything that’s really just important to me, my my top priorities in the world. Obviously, I lost my father and a friend and a cousin suicide. And crisis lifeline is one of their, you know, their biggest pillars.
And the other is, you know, the LGBTQ community and my oldest daughter who is going to be twenty seven came out when she was in college. And I came out as pansexual. I guess it’ll be three years ago this summer, this pride next month. And for me, it was a no brainer to be aligned with an organization that was, you know, both supporting the LGBTQ community and supporting people who are in crisis and who are struggling. So I they came on my radar probably when my daughter came out is when I became more aware of them.
And stayed on my radar for the longest time. And then about three years ago, I thought, you know, when I started getting very public about you know, the way my work was shifting and started telling my story more openly, I thought, you know what, this now is the time. So I got involved and I trained with them to be a crisis counselor on their, like, we have a text line and a traditional phone lifeline. So I’m one of the phone lifeline counselors. And I’m on the left line as often as I can be taking calls from people who are in crisis.
Victoria: When did it originate?
Lisa: Trevor celebrated, so we’re in our twenty sixth year. Wow. Yep. Yep. It’s has a really neat little origin story.
So twenty six years ago, there the three founding members were there was a film about a little boy named a high school boy named Trevor, and he was he was struggling with his sexuality. And the movie, the little short video, was up for an academy. And they played the video during the Academy Awards because I think it was like a twelve or fifteen minute video stage. I played the whole thing and they played in excerpts. But the producers of this video and and creators of this video said, you know what?
We’re playing this thing. We really have to have a kind of a work system. We’re playing it to encourage people to reach out when they need help. We really should have something in place for people who are watching this video now to reach out. So they started a lifeline.
And along with the video being played during the academies, they had they flashed its number up on the screen, and I think they got something like fifteen hundred calls that night, and the lifeline has been in place ever since.
Victoria: Wow.
Lisa: Yeah. Yeah. Twenty six years later.
Victoria: Like, what’s your latest book that you’ve written since you’ve made this transition in your work and your writing and all of that. I’m like, what the latest book? How is how is your writing shifted?
Lisa: It’s shifted dramatically. I mean, my voice and tone has always been the same no matter what I’m whether I’m writing about parenting or whether I’m writing about mental health and wellness. It’s it’s very conversational. I write like I talk. And I actually just signed a a book contract for my next book with my longtime publisher, Familias Publishing, to write a book about my my father’s story that because I’ve I’ve lost them twice in my life.
Mhmm. And I’m I’m really gonna be doing a lot of incorporating of a lot of the resources and the toolkits that you mentioned earlier that are on my website. I want there to be a huge resource section. For people to access who are struggling either with with suicide, with mental health in general, with grief and loss, And I have I’ve developed and curated an awful lot of tools. You’ve mentioned those as well.
People can download them, share them, access them. I wanna incorporate that into the book. So my story about my father will really kind of be the vehicle for having the the bigger more important conversations about surviving a suicide loss and and navigating that. So that’s what I’m working on now. And I believe the tentative publication date is twenty twenty five.
Twenty twenty five or twenty twenty six, but we’re we’re just in the beginning stages.
Victoria: What did your life look like after you found out how he died.
Lisa: If you were looking at me, if you were a friend of mine, like even a close friend. Most likely, you would not have known that there was anything going on under the surface. I I blew up I completely blew up inside. And for the better part of the first, I would say, three years, I would premise to sleep at night. My kids didn’t even know what was going on for the first three years because it was such a shock to me.
I I felt like I was dealing with my my own brand new grief. Like, I was starting day one all all over again and day one, minute one of losing my father all over again, but now under completely different circumstances. And I was trying to navigate that the best I could, which wasn’t very good. And I was trying to navigate helping my mom because remember for for thirty five years, my mother didn’t talk about this to a single bowl, and I wanted to be there for her. I wanted her to be able to somehow process things in a different way.
And so we were just very insular about it. It was just my husband Dave knew my mom and I knew. And I was very much one person to the outside world and very much a different person. Like, when the when the bedroom door closed at night, I was in pieces. And it wasn’t until I started I I started You never come to terms with anything like this fully.
You just learn how to deal with it and process it and live with it in different ways, in better ways, I suppose. Once I got to that point where I felt like I could start talking about it, I told the girls, and my husband and I said, we need to talk to them because they need to know what their DNA looks like now versus what it looked like before, because now they’ve got, you know, they’ve got some degree of mental illness in their DNA. That’s my father had some mental illness. It was a lot that came out that existed on my father’s side. And we all inherit that.
There’s, you know, that that generational trauma and that cocktail that’s you know, manifest in different ways and different people. And I felt that it was really important for them to understand kind of, you know, what was in my background and their background and and it’s ever at any point in their lives, they started having issues or struggling, which, you know, that they were of that age where that’s typically the time period where mental illness or challenges will start to emerge. And sure enough, my my oldest had a a lot of issues with anxiety and depression and ultimately went into therapy and found just incredible success in in going into therapy and going on medication changed her life. Absolutely changed her life and for the better. And once I told the girls that was it, I just immediately started sharing this the truth and never look back in sharing ever since.
Victoria: Was that the most healing that you found was in sharing?
Lisa: Yeah. I think initially that was incredibly cathartic for me just to know that I was I was embracing the truth. I was acknowledging the truth. I I was not I never felt really like it was a stigma. To me, I never felt like it.
I think I feel I feel like by the time I learned about my father, the world was already shifting in terms of the stigma around suicide. I think we went through a big awakening culturally where we’re talking about mental illness so much more and wellness and suicide and IDiation and self harm. And all of these things are so much more mainstream now than they ever were before. So I feel like that that was very helpful to me. In that way.
But writing about it has been, you know, and talking about it like this has been equally as cathartic for me. And I think one of the biggest things, every single time I go on shift, on a lifeline shift with Trevor Project, I think about my father. Every single time I pick up the phone and answer a call from someone who’s struggling every time I deescalate someone who may be higher imminent risk of suicide I feel an incredible sense of gratitude to be able to be in that position, to do that, and to be that person that can hold space for that moment in time for that person who’s struggling. So all those things combined have been healing for me.
Victoria: Thank you for that work that you are doing. By the way, welcome. You’re welcome. What has your grief taught you?
Lisa: That’s a big question. I don’t think anyone’s ever asked me. In all the conversations that I’ve had, I don’t think anyone’s ever asked me that. I think it’s taught me that I’m a lot more resilient than I ever believed myself to be. And then at the same exact time, I’m a lot more vulnerable.
And affected by it than I ever believed I could be. For me, I think I’ve learned that openness and transparency and sharing my story is It’s such a valuable tool. It’s taught me that I can be of service to other people, my lived experience while it may be very nuanced. Everybody’s is very nuanced. You don’t usually need people who have lost the same person twice in their life and grieve twice, so I have a little bit of a unique story in that way.
But I’ve had a lot of experience with grief and loss and I’ve learned that the more I talk about it, the more I heal, and the more it seems that other people benefit from it. So It’s taught me that putting it out there is one of the greatest gifts you can give to yourself.
Victoria: And maybe to someone you don’t even know.
Lisa: Yeah. Absolutely. Yeah. I mean that. I mean that as well, for sure.
Yeah.
Victoria: What is one thing that you would share with people who are listening, who are struggling.
Lisa: Mhmm.
Victoria: And then also, what is one thing that you would share with people? Who are in support of or want to support someone, that may be something you haven’t shared already. Maybe that helped you or that in your training and things that you’ve learned along the way?
Lisa: So in terms of, you know, what I would share. If someone’s struggling, I would say just give yourself some grace. The way that you feel right now in this moment, this this heaviness, this this place of despair or hopelessness is not the way you will always feel. There is there is a change that happens. There is another side to these these feelings and this kind of desperation.
So I would say be patient with yourself. And gift yourself a little bit of time to be, you know, to to to allow yourself to be where you are at this moment. I I say it this way often meet yourself exactly where you are right now. Don’t try and get ahead because you’ve got to be where you are right now. You’ve got to sit in the feelings.
Even if they’re shitting feelings to sit in, even if they’re so painful and so difficult, it’s so important to allow those to penetrate because when we compartmentalize them and pursue them away, we try and negate them or avoid them, they’re gonna come back hard, and they’re gonna take you down when you don’t see it coming. So you know, it may not sound like great advice, but when you meet yourself where you are right now, it can be one of the greatest gifts you give yourself because you get to dictate the pace. You get to decide when you move forward and how you move forward. So that’s what I would say to that. And in terms of, I guess, coping strategies or things that that I would tell people to do, like, self care, self care, like, whatever that looks like to you, whether it’s giving yourself permission to say no, I don’t feel like socializing tonight.
Or I I think I need to spend time getting these feelings that I have in my head and my heart out. If you wanna talk to someone who is a safe person or maybe you wanna put them down in a journal or maybe you need to go in nature and go for hike or walk or maybe you need to go for a run or maybe you practice yoga and that is a place where you can kind of detach I would say, let yourself focus on on doing those kinds of things to kind of recharge, to help yourself you know, what do they say about a a radiator? You’ve got to bleed the radiator, so it doesn’t blow up. And we’ve got to do that with our emotions. So I would say whatever your thing is, that and everybody knows what their thing is so well.
Whatever your thing is, let yourself do that thing as a way of helping yourself to heal. That’s what I would say.
Victoria: I like the metaphor of using or analogy of using luggage. And so ever since we were children, we’ve been packing her luggage. Something happens. Like, I lost my dad. He would when I was eight, he was forty four years old, packed that suitcase.
My grandmother died a year before him. I packed that suitcase. Molested, packed a suitcase. You know, like, in by the time I was in my early twenties, like, I had a lot of luggage. I was dragging with me from the past.
Right?
Lisa: Yeah.
Victoria: And I think all of that luggage can just get so overwhelming to lug around. You don’t get to where you are. In your suffering and in your pain overnight. Yeah. Can’t expect that you’re going to get healed overnight.
So it’s just looking at that one suitcase. I’m gonna look at this one suitcase. What is what do I need to take from this suitcase. What can I remove one garment at a time? And that’s really I think I just started chipping away.
You know, because I felt I started with the postpartum. There were so many struggles that I had. I thought I was doomed for suffering and I just want to share with people. Just start with one suitcase. Yeah.
One thing. And a
Lisa: beautiful image. Yeah.
Victoria: Yeah. Bring some support in in doing that. Mhmm. Find the thing that you resonate with. Find the person that is safe for you.
Mhmm. Just baby steps. You don’t have you know, how do you eat an elephant? One bite at a time. Right.
Lisa: That’s right. Well, that’s right. That’s that’s why I say just you get to set the pace. Mhmm.
Victoria: You
Lisa: know, and it’s it’s very much a marathon. It’s not a sprint. So in in that context, you get to decide how you cover that ground. But every step that you take, it doesn’t matter what the pace is. Every step you take is forward motion.
That’s, you know, progress. If you wanna look at it that way. And while in the case of grief and loss, we never stop grieving for our people. Like, you know that? I know that most people who are listening to this know that.
You don’t stop. What we’re all doing here, what you and I are doing by having this conversation is giving people you know, the tools to learn how to navigate the trip a little easier. Maybe be a little lighter, maybe, you know, find hope a little sooner. That’s that’s the point because at the end of the day, for me, one of the things and this goes back to what you asked, what do I learn about grief? I’ve learned not to fear it.
I’ve learned not to try and push it away because to me, And I’ve I’ve lost, you know, we’re talking about the three people who I’ve lost, you know, father, cousin, and a friend, but I’ve that’s just a suicide. I’ve lost grandparents, aunts, uncles. I mean, I’ve lost friends. I I’ve been accompanied my grief my entire life. I don’t wanna stop grieving for those people because I love those people and those people are a part of the fabric of my life.
They’re part of that whole catastrophe of my life. So I wanna wrap myself in that quilt of them all the time. All of these people that I’ve lost So my grief while at the same time that it’s sad is also the thing that keeps me tethered to those people. So I think that was that was pretty transformative for me too when I finally kind of arrived in that place of understanding that. That it wasn’t something to push away.
It wasn’t something to barrier to fear. It was something to in a strange way in this Francis Sweller that I mentioned earlier, the author of the wild edge of sorrow writes that, you know, that’s how we keep our people alive. You know? And I think we all need to stay attached in whatever way is most meaningful to us.
Victoria: And we wouldn’t be who we are without those people in our lives.
Lisa: One hundred percent. Yep.
Victoria: Just like you listening the people in your life wouldn’t be who they are without you.
Lisa: Mhmm.
Victoria: Is there anything else that you would like to share that you feel like you didn’t get to. I mean, I think I could we could talk for hours. We could talk for hours.
Lisa: I mean, you’re all day. I love this is the kind of conversation that I feel so empowered to have. Like, I’m so grateful to be able to reach new people and, you know, in new communities. So I’m grateful to you from this opportunity. I mean, I think I would suggest to people that you take a minute and look around you at the people in your life.
There’ll be two cohorts of people. There’ll be the people who appear okay and grounded and settled and driven and joyful on the outside. And then you’ll be you can look at them and you can say, okay, I know that person is struggling. It’s because maybe they’re more vocal with it, maybe it’s their affect, maybe in a lot of different signs of signals. I would say, treat each one of those groups the same.
I would make it a point to check-in on your people. Make it a point whether it’s the people who seem great or if it’s the people who you know aren’t, back in with them. Ask them how they really are. Ask them if they’re okay. Ask them what they need.
Ask them how you can help because sometimes And this this applies especially to the people who don’t make their struggles very visible. When you open a door for someone, sometimes that’s all they’re looking for. That’s all they need. They just need to know it’s a safe ways to share what’s really going on. You know, people people like my father get very skilled at hiding what’s going on just under the surface.
And yeah, I know. I mean, it’s so common. I feel like way more people are fighting the truth of what’s going on than aren’t. And I think that we just need to be a little bit more sensitive of each other and make each other more of a responsibility. That’s how we get back to that, that have a whole sense of community, you know, back in the day when you know, my parents were young.
They lived with their grandparents and their extended families. And I my husband and I actually both grew up the same way, living with grandparents. But most of our friends did not. And, you know, nowadays these generations, you know, you you get married, you go off, you’re separated from your extended family. And people are living in these isolated little pockets.
And people aren’t there to check-in on each other and interact with each other and support each other in the ways that maybe people are used to a little bit more often. So when you get back to that, which circles right back to the beginning of our conversation about the importance of community and the importance of having support systems. So that’s what I think I would say to people. It’s just kind of be watching, be vigilant, and take your own pulse every once in a while too because you can’t help anybody, you can’t pour from an empty cup.
Victoria: Right? They bring up a good point, so you had talked about three years. You struggled, not necessarily in silence because your husband and your mother knew, so you had their support. But I’m curious if you’re daughters were, like, shocked. Once you’ve I mean, two counts.
I mean, eventually, once he said, oh, the past three years have been a living hell internally, and the people that knew you were like, whoa. Really? Like, I had no idea. And so how did you reconcile that? You know, knowing that the work you do now, you’re struggling in silence, would you have done things differently?
Lisa: Also good. You’re asking me all these really good questions that no one ever asked me before. I probably would have allowed myself to be more vulnerable earlier on. One thing that I would have done probably much sooner, much, much sooner, was start seeing a therapist again. So when I was when I was young, my first experience seeing a therapist, I was college age, and I had taken a gap year before gap years were even a thing.
And I wasn’t really sure what I wanted to do with my life, and my friends were already kind of established in schools and in programs and majors, and I just felt like I didn’t know what I wanted to do. And I struggled with that. And so I started seeing a therapist to kind of navigate that, work through that, we only really very briefly at times touched on my father in terms of big life events that kind of shaped who I was. I didn’t know he was you know, he had taken his life, so I that was not a part of our conversation. And I was in therapy like that for a number of years, and then I kind of found my way and and got on my path and and didn’t see another therapist for three decades, three and a half decades.
And I finally got to the point about two years ago when I said, you know what, I need something for me. I mean, My husband’s amazing. He has held more space for me than anyone has probably ever held for anyone. And my mother the same, but it’s different when you have that impartial person who doesn’t know your history, who doesn’t know that the social dynamics and the damiliar hierarchy and those dynamics, and that’s something I would have done right from the jump, I think. If I could have gone back and done it again.
Maybe not done anything differently in terms of telling my children, I didn’t want to tell them prematurely. I wanted to make sure that they had kind of the capacity to deal with that. Like they were teenagers, and it was heavy. And what I was talking about was something incredibly intense that I wanted to make sure they could deal with. So I don’t I I don’t regret waiting for that.
But, yeah, I probably would have, you know, been a little bit more open about it. But to the rest of the family, and I I probably would have done therapy sooner.
Victoria: That’s a good answer. And the reason why I asked too is because you know, we can have these regrets. Right? And that’s grief. And you had spoken and touched on, like, at the point you didn’t know what to do with your life.
You weren’t sure and you were struggling, and that’s kind of what caused you to seek help and support. But how much of it do you think? Like, it’s just in hindsight now. It’s like, of course, your the loss of your father and your cousin had greatly impacted you, but I just see so many kids like today. Like, there’s divorce and there’s just the heaviness of the world and social media and kids are just mean.
Right? Kids are just mean. Yeah. It’s like Yeah. It’s it’s so can you just speak briefly to maybe the and I don’t know that a lot of young, young people are listening to this, but surely their parents or caregivers are can you speak to supporting someone who was like you?
Who didn’t know, like, who felt like a fish out of water, right, floundering and
Lisa: You know, I I really think in the same way that I was suggesting that people meet themselves where they are. I think that’s the advice that I would also give someone trying to help a friend is meet them, meet that friend exactly where they are, hold the space, in the way that the friend who’s struggling needs you to hold it. You know? I mean, like I said before in the context of being a crisis counselor, like, you’re not there to solve the problem. Especially if someone who’s grieving a loss, any kind of a loss, whether it’s the loss of a a human being who’s passed away or the loss of a a job or the loss of a relationship or, like, there’s so many.
Like you said, there’s so many different sets of losses in the world. I would say, be there to support them in whatever way they need to be supported, but don’t go into it at thinking you’ve got to fix it and solve it because in most cases it’s unsolvable. You know, in the case of someone losing someone and and someone who’s grieving, there is no turning back, back clock. You know, it’s more about just moving forward trying to maybe encourage that person to figure out what they need. That’s a big one because oftentimes when someone’s grieving, they don’t know what the hell they need.
They don’t know where to go, where to turn, who to who to ask for help, you know, ask someone to go for a walk, ask someone to go to a movie, ask someone if they need help finding a therapist, if they don’t have one, cook a meal, one of the things I learned is not to ask open ended questions. Like, what can I do to help you? You know, I’m I’m there. Just just whatever and I get caught on doing this all the time. We all we all did this kind of thing all the time.
Be deliberate. Be intentional. Can I cook you dinner? Can I take you to dinner? Can I do some errands for you?
Can I pick up your dry cleaning? Can I pick up your kids at school? Like, what whatever the case is? I think those are the ways that I know that when I’ve been grieving, when I’ve been in that situation that needed help, those were the things that were the most helpful to me.
Victoria: Is there anything else that you would like to share?
Lisa: You know, I would just say, even if you’re someone who is private and a lot of people are, I am very much very much so. I am private in spite of the fact that everything I do is so public. I write about everything I write about is, you know, out there for the world to see. A lot of people are not comfortable sharing what’s going on the inside. I would say give people around you the benefit of the doubt.
Give the people in your life, the benefit of the doubt that that they can help you. That they can somehow offer support, trust. You know who you can trust. We all know who we can trust the most.lean into that.lean into the people who are there who want to support you. In the ways that you need them because at the end of the day, we’re not meant to go through any of the stuff alone.
Victoria: And to piggyback that, I just had a thought. Your children are not your therapist.
Lisa: No. No. So if you are a parent
Victoria: who is struggling, your children are not your therapist,
Lisa: agreed.
Victoria: Yeah. Yeah. Played that role for a very long time.
Lisa: Yeah. That’s right. But it’s just made me who I
Victoria: am, I guess. Yeah. You know?
Lisa: That’s right. That’s right. And and that’s the thing. You know, I mean, you know, we all we all have things we wish we could, you know, we could redo. But at the end of the day, we’re all we’re where we are because of those things.
So do we really wanna change those things or do we wanna just, you know, use them as teachable moments and and you know, be better going forward.
Victoria: I love that. Yeah. Just give a hug. Yeah. You have your parent and you need a hug.
You know, your kid probably needs the hug too. Mhmm. My daughter gives the best hugs to seventeen and yeah. She just and she won’t let go. Like, she is like, she will not let you go.
Lisa: Oh, I love that. I love that. I probably bug both of my daughters about hugs a little too much. My so my oldest lives in Japan. So I have to ration.
Like, I have to I I can’t go in too hot when I get off the plane. I all I wanna do is hold her for, like, three days, and she’s like, look. I will give you all the hugs that you want. You gotta you gotta pace yourself a little bit, or we’ll never get out of the airport. So Yeah.
But my kids are good ones too.
Victoria: My daughter knows psychologically a minute. Needs to be at least a minute.
Lisa: Mhmm. Yeah. I like that. That’s that’s like that’s an, like, a that’s an adequate amount of time to really, like, embrace the hug.
Victoria: Gotta let those good feelings that those good feeling adorphins come up and she knows that. So
Lisa: Yeah. Yeah. That’s that’s that’s good insights. It’s it’s a it’s a child who comes from a good place.
Victoria: Yeah. Our kids teach us too. Share her. Forget that. Well, thank you so much for being a part of my podcast and the mission of my podcast, which is to make it less taboo to talk about grief, to talk about mental health and suicide and all the ways that we grieve and the experiences that shape us.
So thank you so much for sharing your story. For the work that you do. And I will put all the links to the show notes, but please share again where people can find you and connect with you.
Lisa: Sure. The best place I mean, I’m on all the socials. Lisa underscore Sugarman on Instagram. The Lisa Sugarman on Facebook, but the best place to to catch everything that I do is lisa sugarman dot com. And I know at the beginning of the show, you mentioned the resource of the mental health resources hub that I have on my website and the toolkit hub that I have.
And and that’s like a to me, that’s probably the crown jewel of the website for me. I’ve spent an awful lot of time and effort pulling together all these resources, betting all these resources, and they’re there for anyone who is struggling or if you know someone who’s struggling, please go on my website I’ve got about sixteen different categories. It’s a very inclusive website. Doesn’t matter who you are, what your background is. I hopefully have help that’s right for you, so take a peek.
Victoria: Thank you again. And remember, When you unleash your heart, you unleash your life. Much love.
Grief, Grieving Voices Guest, Healing, Spirituality, Suicide |
SHOW NOTES SUMMARY:
- On this episode of Grieving Voices, I welcomed David Chotka, founder and director of Spirit Equip Ministries. With four degrees and extensive experience as a pastor and conference speaker, David shares insights from his journey through grief personally and within his community.David discusses the challenges pastors face daily in dealing with grief within their congregations. He recounts his first funeral service—a daunting task for someone who had not yet experienced personal loss—and how that “baptism by fire” shaped his understanding of mourning.Our conversation turns to David opening up about a pivotal moment when he lost his brother to suicide. This tragedy occurred just as he was adopting a daughter, adding complex layers to an already emotional time. Despite having to maintain composure for important church services amidst this personal crisis, David candidly describes how the event left him grappling with questions about faith, forgiveness, life after death, and God’s mercy.
In a powerful account of healing in nature two years after his loss, David shares an epiphany that brought peace back into his soul regarding eternal destiny while walking through the Heartlake Conservation Area and reading Psalms 130.
The conversation also touches on navigating sudden losses like suicides within families—emphasizing compassion over judgment—and offers comfort to those wondering about loved ones’ fates after such actions.
Finally, David speaks on divine appointments—the idea that God orchestrates encounters where we can give or receive something significant—and gives listeners insight into finding meaning in seemingly random moments.
This heartfelt discussion provides solace for anyone grieving, highlighting the importance of spiritual guidance during one’s darkest hours.
RESOURCES:
CONNECT:
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NEED HELP?
- National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 1-800-273-8255
- Crisis Text Line provides free, 24/7 support via text message. Text HOME to 741741 to connect with a trained Crisis Counselor
If you are struggling with grief due to any of the 40+ losses, free resources are available HERE.
CONNECT WITH VICTORIA:
Finding Peace and Understanding in the Midst of Grief: The Journey of David Chaka
Grief can be a bewildering labyrinth, often leaving us grappling with profound questions about faith, life’s purpose, and our own resilience. In this heartfelt episode of *Grieving Voices*, we were graced by the presence of David Chaka—a man whose personal journey through loss and his role as a spiritual guide offers both solace and insight into navigating the murky waters of sorrow.
David is not just any guest; he brings with him an extensive background as the founder of Spirit Equip Ministries, an authorship that spans five books on spirituality, decades spent pastoring souls seeking comfort, and a voice that has echoed internationally across podiums dedicated to faith. His tenure as chair for the Christian Missionary Alliance’s prayer team in Canada has shaped countless lives—including his own.
Personal Encounters with Grief
When grief knocks on one’s door personally, it carries a different weight. For David Chaka, losing his brother to suicide was such an encounter—one that shook his beliefs to their core yet also led him down a path where he found deeper roots within his faith. He shares how these moments have been pivotal in understanding salvation—not as a checklist but as an intimate relationship with God—a concept offering great comfort to those mourning loved ones lost under tragic circumstances.
Unplanned Moments Leading To Life-Changing Outcomes
In what could have been seen merely as logistical frustration—the no-show moving van—David found friendship and vulnerability while stranded in Elizabeth’s empty apartment. This unexpected delay blossomed into marriage—a reminder that sometimes life’s detours are divine appointments in disguise.
His education under Dr. Gordon Fee further exemplifies this theme—unexpected influences shaping one’s spiritual perspective profoundly. And when called upon to pray for healing against all odds for a fellow student facing deathly illness? The result was nothing short of miraculous—an affirmation reinforcing David’s belief in being open to divine guidance despite personal doubts or hesitations.
Faith Amidst Everyday Life
The stories shared by David resonate deeply because they mirror everyday experiences where faith intersects ordinary moments—like Peter, James John catching fish beyond their wildest dreams at Jesus’ bidding or like ‘Bible-thumper Bob’, whose cancer recovery showed glimpses of heaven before its eventual return grounded us back to earthly realities.
These narratives aren’t just tales; they’re testaments reminding us about responsiveness towards God’s call—even when it seems illogical—and maintaining hope amidst uncertainties inherent in human existence.
Healing Pathways & The Presence Of God
In discussing pathways outlined alongside Maxie Dunham regarding healing prayers—from instantaneous miracles to enduring suffering—it becomes evident that encountering God isn’t limited by specific outcomes but rather defined by walking alongside Him through various journeys toward healing or closure.
David emphasizes experiencing God not only through words but also through non-verbal communication—the peace and joy brought forth even during tribulations signifying His ever-present Holy Spirit guiding our steps towards righteousness irrespective of surrounding chaos.
Extending Love In A Troubled World
As listeners absorb these powerful insights from *Grieving Voices*, it reinforces the notion that living out our calling involves extending love amidst imperfections—not allowing negative church experiences or disillusionment obstruct access to what lies beyond hurt: unconditional love from our Creator capable transforming pain into purposeful engagement within His kingdom here on earth.
For those inspired by this conversation who yearn for more depth within their spiritual walk—you’re invited over at spiritequip.com where you’ll find resources bridging denominational divides while nurturing your inner self for an enriched communion with divinity.
We leave you pondering 1 John 3:2—the promise transformation upon truly seeing God—as we await future content including audiobook chapters promising continued nourishment for your soul-searching quests.
Indeed embracing oneself leads towards fulfillment—but let us remember it is often intertwined intricately with embracing faith even when faced with life’s inevitable grieving voices.
Episode Transcription:
Victoria Volk: Thank you for tuning in to this episode of grieving voices. Today, my guest is David Chotka. He is the founder and director of Spirit Equip ministries, an organization devoted to developing training resources. Author of five books, a season pastor, and a conference speaker David has four earned degrees and travel has traveled and taught in countries to groups large and small. He has served as chair of alliance pray, the prayer equipping team of Christian missionary alliance in Canada for more than twenty years and is now committed to serving those who want to develop Their spiritual disciplines one small step at a time. David is married to Elizabeth and together they have two adult children and for fun he plays the piano. Thank you so much for being here.
David Chotka: Thank you, Victoria, for having me on your podcast. I it’s a delight to be here. And
Victoria Volk: I think you are the first pastor I’ve had on the podcast. I’m pretty sure.
David Chotka: Wow. On a topic like grieving, that’s really quite amazing.
Victoria Volk: I think so.
David Chotka: Well, because
Victoria Volk: meetings Two hundred episodes in.
David Chotka: So Wow. But listen, pastor, every day of the week, somebody’s grieving in their churches. Yeah. And they’re coming alongside people, you know, somebody’s died young, somebody’s died old, somebody’s died in between, and that grieving’s reality, left right and center for people like me.
Victoria Volk: I could be wrong. I’m approaching two hundred episodes, so that’s quite a few to go to remember up here and my memory isn’t as sharp as it used to be either. So just going off my memory, I think so. And I think, you know, initially, this podcast did start for grievers who are open to sharing their grief stories.
David Chotka: Mhmm.
Victoria Volk: And, of course, as a pastor and a minister, you have grief too.
David Chotka: I do. Yes.
Victoria Volk: And that’s really what is that what led you into the work that you were doing? Or What can
David Chotka: I What what led me into the work I’m doing was that’s there’s a remarkable call story that that didn’t actually I should tell you about my first experience of doing a funeral because I had had no losses? So my when I it was the call to the ministry was because I suddenly realized that that was what the Lord wanted me to do. And there’s a long and convoluted story attached to that that and some of that some of those details are just being written now into a little sample that I’m creating called the call. I wanted to put that out. But actually, I haven’t told this story in a podcast. So let me tell you about the first time I wind up doing a funeral. So the denomination I was in, you’re in the states, you’re American. Right? Okay. So it will be like being a night methods down the state. So I was and the in the trajectory there, we were sent to to churches that would have us over the summertime. We we go to school for eight months that we’d be under the tutelage of a pastor locally over the summer season. He’d take a little vacation. We’d spell him off. That kind of thing. But most of his time would be spent teaching in mentoring us. And so I got to my very first ever summer field. And the the pastor there had decided to take his vacation, and there was a methodist lay preacher from England in his congregation. And he said, look, if you’re in trouble, you can call up Ray over there. He’s he’s e stepping in for me all the time when there’s trouble. And so he said, but just in case, you need to walk down the street and there’s a lady there named Joyce. We haven’t had a funeral in this town. It’s a young town. We haven’t had a funeral list down in four years, but Joyce was the one who always does all the arrangements. And if something should happen, if there’s a car accident or something like this, You can always just call up Joyce and she’ll make sure everything’s good. So I went down the street, and I visited Joyce. And her and her husband were very cordial and very kind and nice to me. And we had a wonderful evening visit. And then then I I went to meet Ray, and I had a great chat with Ray. Ray took a one week vacation and enduring the one week vacation when the other passenger was on vacation, Joyce died. So I had to I had never had a loss. So my very first ever experience of doing a funeral was the lady who took care of doing funerals when both the pastor and the late preacher were weighed. So I wound up talking to one of the elders and there’s a lady in that church who was a leader in the congregation. And she worked like crazy to try and figure out what to do. And, you know, they call different pastors from all across the region. And in the end, you know, we figured this thing out and got it done. But, I mean, it was really hard for me because I’d never personally, at that point in the game, I’d never had to face death. It wasn’t until years later that I had a personal loss. But So it was a bit of a comedy of errors to get started like that. But that actually, there were four funerals in two weeks. Four funerals in two weeks. And they hadn’t had a funeral in that church in four years. And when the lead guy was away, the student minister got four funerals. So It was a crazy kind of a thing. Anyway, the day when the day was all said and done, I learned a lot from people who were on the other side of grieving, and that was, of course, my first experience. Of burying someone. I’d never done that before. And you can see the change in expression that there was a moment. And all four of those, and these are my no. Within two weeks, I watched this. Every time the body was lowered into the ground, that was the moment. Where the loss became real, just absolutely crystal clear clear real. And that for me was the moment when I realized that if you’re gonna extend care, that’s the time. You come along and you stand with somebody who’s in trouble when that when that casket goes down and they’re still there and they start to cry. Sometimes they want you there, sometimes they don’t want you there, sometimes you you touch their elbow gently. Sometimes you just hold off and wait until they want to say something. I agree. The way I describe it, you can is this an audio visual one or just visual is this just audio?
Victoria Volk: It’s both.
David Chotka: It’s both. Okay. So I’ll I’ll describe it for the audio people. It’s like you put your hand on their their waist and pull them close while you put your hand on their face and push them away. There’s this They don’t know if they want company or if they want to be alone. And sometimes in two seconds, their view changes. Right? Because grief is a weird animal life. I described it as a strange animal. Never know when it’s gonna purr where it’s gonna bite you. You’re just not sure. So that was that was my very first ever experience of dealing with death and my own my own personal loss came when my brother took his life. He was I I just adopted my daughter. We discovered that we could not my wife would be in danger if we had a second child. We had one born biologically.
And then it just became clear that it almost killed her. Just about killed him too, that both of them just about died. So I guess you could call that grief too because I realized we could not have another. And there was a long journey toward adopting that to happen in the middle of that. And, you know, and we actually vastly I’d be ready to adopt a she wouldn’t. And my wife would be ready to adopt and I wouldn’t. And it was this kind of up and down kinda crazy thing where we were navigating our own emotions, not quite sure what to do with this. And then in the course of time, We adopted her daughter. But just as we adopted her, my younger brother, who had been unsettled all of his days, we we were told in the adoption, what you have to do is you have to, you know, you know, how to say this. You close the doors to everybody except your nuclear family so that you can bond to the child for a good month, a month and a half. We adopted her when she was a year old and she had to rebound to us. And so we had there’s a whole bunch of adoption strategies that you do in order for that child not to feel abandoned by the foster family that they had, etcetera, etcetera. And we had to do that. And so we didn’t see anybody for a month. And then then the social worker told us that the best course of action after that is to introduce your new family member to your immediate family and my parents and my brother lived about an hour and a half away. So we got in the car, we drove down. And we had a beautiful magical, wonderful, glorious day with my brother who had been pretty troubled about lots of things. It was it looked like the the the page had turned and so on. And I was in a new church. I had been the pastor of that church from September right through to that time, which was March. It was the day before a good Friday. I don’t remember the number of day. I just remember the emotion of the event when my dad called and said that my brother had killed himself. Inside my parents home. Mhmm. And I had to get in the car and cancel my Thursday night service. It was gonna be my very first one in that congregation. I had to help my dad grieve while his dead body was in the house, and then they called the police. I had to call the police to make this thing happen. And I watched them take the body out of the home. And that oh, man. Then I had to do good Friday, then I had to do a resurrection Sunday because I didn’t have a capable associate to be able to handle those services, and then I hit the wall and just began to cry in. No pastor wanted to be a guest on Good Friday or you’re sending because they were all busy. Right? These are they’re all that’s the highlight of the church here. And I had to moner on through this kind of awful shock and did. I did what I had to do and thank the Lord. I had already prepared my messages and I simply had to work through whatever whatever was happened. I did tell my church, I just had been through this traumatic thing. If I get crazy here, if I do something odd, forgive me. I’m gonna molt I’m gonna get through these these two services. And then I’m gonna find somebody to take that service a week after, and I just need to stop. And to old man was it hard. It was just hard. But the the hard thing about that one was the suddenness. He was thirty nine. And he he played you know, I got a little son at that point, and he was picking up my son and wrestling with him and putting him in a tree and climbing a tree and walking along the fence tops. And We went to a baseball diamond and threw a ball back and forth with him while we were wheeling our new daughter up and down the the sidewalk as she was getting used to this beautiful spring day. It was a gorgeous lovely memory. Suddenly destroyed by this experience of somebody taking his life. And oh, and and then I and of course, in in the context that I’m in, I had no choice except to speak well and highly about, you know, about the the the the violation of Jesus on the cross and then the joy of the resurrection. While I’m in this anguish about what to do with my brother who’s who’s left a son behind and a wife and and he’s dead. And my parents who don’t know what to do. So that was my first significant loss. That was the first one that we I mean, I had friends who died and I had buddies who died and I had lots of parishioners who passed away and I had to bury a little two year old who died in a wounds tumor.
That was the first one that really hit my heart, but in terms of my personal life, that one. And, you know, it was like, I I I just and listen, I the last two funerals that I have done, and I’m a pastor and you do them every now and then, And the last two in a row were were her suicides. One of a guy, twenty nine years old, left his beautiful wife and son. And the the kid was, like, six months old. And the other was of this family that I knew from years ago, I was visiting Vancouver. And this funeral was gonna happen, and the widow asked if I do it because I had been significant in their lives back in the day. And both of them were, you know, it’s irrational when this kind of thing happens. It doesn’t make any kind of sense. So how do you navigate that? How do you how do you I’ll just tell you that with the with the suicide personally, it was like the sky was gray for the next two years.
Even if it was a beautiful warm, sunny, gorgeous day. And my home was about two blocks from a conservation area, it was kinda nice to be there. And I I started to do what I, you know, long walks and I started and I I don’t know what you do with with grief. For me, I have to speak. I can’t just sort of sit there and stuff it. I can stuff it for a week and then I explode with speech. That’s what happens to me. So I would go for these long walks and make sure that nobody was around that that I’d talk out loud while I was doing this walk in this conservation area. And for me, faith is is part of the answer, but it didn’t answer all my questions because, you know, I I said Is he gonna have it? Is he gonna have it? He took his life. That’ll shout not kill. Is that real? And what about it? Did he throw it away? Did, you know, did this is this is the stuff that goes through the brain with somebody who’s had a sudden loss like that. And, of course, if you’ve done two hundred podcasts, you know, people from all different stages and stages, whether they have faith or don’t have faith. They they wanna know what’s the destiny of the lost here. Is is there an afterlife? Is is it exists or is it just illusion? Is it real? Well, what about? Is there a god? What is this guy in the presence of that god? Or is there a devil?
You know? Why did this crazy guy do this crazy thing. And all those crazy thoughts, I’m sure you’ve heard them in two hundred podcasts. But I remember the moment, I was walking through the Heart Lake Conservation area, two blocks from my home. And I was reading the psalms, and I got to Psalm, I think it’s one hundred and thirty, and the the text of the psalm was this. Lord, if you should count sins, no one could stand. I thought to myself, absolutely right. You know, as I’m I’m walking and refreshed and and I’m trying to get two things. I’m trying to get my head cleared. I’m trying to get past my emotional fog.And the sky was still great even though it was a beautiful glorious day in early spring. And there was just traces of snow in in the parts of the of the woodland where the the leaves had covered the snow, that kind of thing. The day was brisk and sunny. And I remember I was reflecting on that verse from that song. And my foot broke a stick in the pathway, and it went snapped like that. And my brother died by hanging. And I know that he went snap like that too, and it was an instant death and that kind of crazy thought was going through my brain. And then suddenly as that thing went snap, I said, well, life is just like that. You don’t know if you’re gonna be living or dying. You could step in the street and get killed by a car accident in a second. You know, not even be aware this crazy things happen. And then that scripture popped back into my head. And I thought to myself, do you know? When my brother was an idiot. It would take me two weeks to forgive him. And so and and then but I know this about God. If you were in the middle of a crazy, ridiculous, and even awful action like aptic suicide and you realized that you were wrong as a help, in a second God hears. And then I realized, God’s hands were better than mine, much better than mine. And then I said, alright. I can commend his soul to you. And, like, you know, I was participating in his in his burial. I mean, I did the service with the pastor from my parents’ church. And I I mostly said, but I read the scripture and participated in that thing. And then I, you know, but I had not it would that that the issue wasn’t closed for me. It wasn’t done for me. Until the moment when that twigs snapped. Two years out, walking through a conservation area, I realized in my hard heart, that it’s the the rest of the verses this. If the Lord should count sins, who could stand? Nobody. But with you, there is mercy. That’s the next line. And I said, okay, Lord, I get this. He called himself a believer. He was a lousy believer, but he called us a believer. Right? And so and so listen. He believed in the same God I knew. I am I know this about you God. I know your nature. If in a second somebody says help and cries out, you do. You’re like a dog with a bone. If somebody cries out to you for mercy, your mercy gets sent in the next fraction of a second. That’s not true for me or for most humans. Most of us need time to forgive. Most of us need time to work through the reconciliation steps that are involved in that. Not so with the god I love. And so that was the moment when suddenly the peace turned back inside my soul. When I realized that I’m not God and I’m not the judge and he’s a whole lot better at it than I am. And now I will make a comment because I want people to hear me loud and clear about this suside thing and the thing that I just raised. People wonder if thou shalt not kill this violent and if that ruins somebody’s salvation of them. Let me say this as tenderly as I can. In the Christian faith, actually in Jewish faith too, I can’t speak for the other ones. I’ll just speak for the two that I know well. Your relationship with the God that you love is the basis of your salvation. Not whether you’ve been an idiot at the end of your life.
Alright? Now let me be as clear as I can. I think suicide is the wrong thing to do for lots and lots and lots of reasons. I have stood with families. I just I’m standing with two right now, who just did this. And the person who takes their life usually thinks they’re doing somebody in favor, It’s not true. The whole chaos just sort of explodes. All around the husband, the wife, the son, the daughter, the cousins, the uncles, the aunts, the parents, the friends, the workplace, everything. Just spins out of control for a very long time, varying degrees depending on how much you were attached to the person. But when the day is done, it is not the answer that you want to embrace. That being said, for all the listeners out there who have lost someone through their speech. It is not the fact that somebody makes a snap decision and chooses that or even if they make a plan when they’re in some sort of a weird state of mind. It is the relationship you have that you got, you serve. That determines your internal destiny. So I that for what it’s worth, I I put that in front of your audience because I know people who listen to this particular kind of podcast are trying to figure out how to make sense after a loss.
That’s what they’re doing. So
Victoria Volk: Very well said. Very well said.
David Chotka: Well, listen, I live through it. It’s it’s I live through it. If it’s yeah. So in the last two services that I did, where I did these two burials for and and actually because he was young, and because he was married, because he had a son. I could speak to that.
In fact, I just I had what I call a divine appointment yesterday. It’s funny because, you know, I have things to do, places to go people to see the world to win all that kind of thing. And I have done this general for this lady. Her name is Shentel. And she was a friend of a friend of a friend who called me to do a funeral because they thought it was the right thing to do. And I didn’t have proper contact information for her. And so I wanted to do a follow-up and I had not been able to because I couldn’t And so, actually, this is a crazy thing. On Friday, I said, God, I need to follow-up with this woman. Shentel needs pass through care after the after the thing. She I I’d be in touch with her.
How do I do that? Amen. And the next day, I went to a little free show that was being offered down at the event center down the street. And I walked in and I didn’t even wanna be there. My daughter wanted to go that thing. And I went because I had to go, you know, like I said, and I sit down and Shatjel sits down beside the high pastor, Dave. And that’s in a city of two hundred thousand. Wow. So I made the connection yesterday. One of the things I teach is I pray for a divided appointment today. I asked the Lord to shape my circumstances so that I walk into something that I could not and did not plan. Where God gets the glory or where something is needed that I can contribute to or where I need to receive what I cannot receive unless I have the divine point. Because I know this. God is at work everywhere, absolutely everywhere. And when we can see one or two things happening, God is doing millions. God. But if I could if I could see one thing that God is doing and enter Internet, I know that I’m on the right track. And so when COVID started, I I started to pray that, okay, God, I want one divine appointment a day, at least one. And sometimes I’ll get three and four. But I don’t feel the day is complete unless I’ve had one of those because I’ve prayed that prayer. So that was my divine appointment yesterday. That’s what happened yesterday.
Victoria Volk: I love that. I absolutely love that. You know what? And you might call it synchronicities or what have you. Right? We don’t we often have these things these moments like you said like you shared that happen throughout our lives and maybe in our days. And we maybe pass them off as insignificant or might think of but they’re not.
David Chotka: You know, just they’re not old. No. It’s true. It’s
Victoria Volk: Or you might not even give much thought in the moment, but then later, like, that’s really kinda cool if that happened, but we we don’t think about of it just being, like, this
David Chotka: Divine in nature. I’ll I’ll just say, yeah. Yeah. That’s right. That God did that. I’ll do that. That’s right. I can just say with you. Every significant thing I’ve done in life, every single significant thing that has happened was not my idea. And including the girl that I married. So here’s you’re gonna have with the girl I married. This this is the craziest thing. My heart was broke when the girl that I wanted to marry married somebody else. And I was in tremendous grief. That was another grief that happened there. And so I wound up saying, God, oh, God help me. I’m I’m in a mess here. And so So I wound up going to a a bible school called Regent College in Vancouver to you. It’s a graduate level of seminary. And it had a training component for people who were in careers that didn’t have theological education wanted to do a year out. And so, and I was a pastor and I had I had two degrees before this and I had my third degree there. Anyway, it looked like I was going to school because I wanted to improve my myself. But the real reason I was going there because it was a safe place to be a wreck. And as it turned out, when I was gonna move, I was living in Alberta, and the school was in British Columbia. And there was a good twelve hour drive from one place to the other.
And moving costs are expensive and students don’t have a lot of money, you know, that kind of thing. And I was a pastor and they didn’t pay much, you know, so it’ll just be blunt here. So I was looking for the cheap skateway to move that one of the things across the country. And there was a lady in my congregation who was also moving to the to a different school, but she was going to Vancouver. And she knew somebody in Edmonton that she was gonna be a roommate with because she was moving to Vancouver.
And we started asking about costs, you know? And how can we, you know, how can we pay this thing? And I I I did three or four quotes, and she got three or four quotes. And I said to this lady Ruth, why don’t you find out what it would cost if we put our two households together? I don’t have much. I could shove it in your garage. And it was the same price. And so that meant half price for both of us if we did this. And then she talked to the third person, and it was about ten percent more to move three than it was to move one. And so that’s a significant savings. Right? So I put all my stuff inside Ruth’s garage, and then Ruth had it moved down to Edmonton, and then we, you know, then we moved from Edmonton to. And I and I what I did. I got myself a tent and a sleeping bag. And, you know, and I I tented across British Columbia because it’s beautiful.
You know what? Then what that was it was a solo vacation, but it was great people. Oh, men’s. It’s a gorgeous province. Beautiful lakes and rivers and streams and mountains and trees and all gorgeous outside. So anyway, I get all the way to Vancouver. And the plan was I would show up on the day of the move at ten o’clock in the morning, and I would help the movers get stuff into their their their share department. And then I would direct the driver across town to help move in my stuff. And We save a lot of money and praise the Lord. You know? So I show up. Ruth isn’t there because she has to finish her her teaching issues you teach her up in that position. And she had to finish out this thing. She had a summer school course, she was teaching. But Elizabeth and her cousin were there cleaning the apartment out, getting her ready for the move.
And I show up, and I walk in, and we shoot the breeze, and we wait all day, and the moving van doesn’t come. And we’re hanging together. And, you know, in those days, there were no cell phones. Right? And they had in Vancouver, they didn’t have closed in phone booths. They had little round things that you put change in. And if you wanna do a long distance call, that was a lot of nickels and dimes and quarters. So so she calls from that phone. It gets her dad and said, dad, did you call the company? And he said, okay.
And they said they had he had a breakdown. He’d be there the next day at ten in the morning. And, okay. You forget one day. You know, and they’re gonna pay her hotel cost, and I have a room to stay in with my cafe stuff, so I’m fine. Come back the next day. There’s no moving van. Third day, no moving van. Fourth day. No moving. Yeah. Now we’re in the better business bureau after these guys, you know, trying to track down where this truck is. And so then her Elizabeth’s cousin had to go back to work. I mean, she had she had four days off and she took the four days. And I’m sitting in an empty apartment without so much as a tea bag. We’re saying, you know, there’s we’re there’s nothing to sit on. There’s a stairway in what we took turns sitting on that. I had a camper chair that I brought in. And I’d sit in the camper chair or on the step and we’d alternate this. And we spent all day a single man and a single lady inside this part. And my heart was broke because the girl I wanted to marry married somebody else, you know what? And after about three days of this, of course, we don’t know each other with strangers. And I said to her, look, just for the record, I’m a pastor. No, by the way, anything with a high voice and discouraged. I am not interested at all. I am no desire. My heart is broke. I just don’t wanna do this. And she heaped a big sigh of relief, and she said, well, for the record, I had an old boyfriend and he stalked me. And it was terrible. We had to get the police after him. I said, oh, brother. Well, look, I have two brothers. I had two brothers. That I no. I’m really my stolen. I have two brothers. And I don’t and my mom comes from a very conservative traditional Ukrainian household. She wears a head covering and walks behind my dad. Canadian girls aren’t interested in that. Neither American girls and most girls on Earth aren’t anyway. And so she said, I said, look, I don’t understand females at all. And she said, look, I have two sisters and my dad’s quiet. My mom ran the house and, you know, I don’t understand males at all. I said, look, I need a sister.
And she said, well, I need a brother. Thank you very much. And so we decided to become friends because we’re stuck in this apartment. We were there for ten consecutive days, ten days in that empty apartment. And finally, the guy showed up. And as it turned out, he had decided he was a casual driver who was hired by the moving company, and he put his son in the in the van to go through the BC interior. And he said, this is beautiful. I’m going fishing, and he took his son fishing for ten consecutive days with our stuff in the back of his And so I wound up meeting this lady and getting to know her. And, of course, by the time you get to day four or five, you start sharing deep things. See?
We have no choice. We’re stuck in that room. So in the course of time, I married the girl. But it’s that that’s how it started. It wasn’t even a planned thing. And every and listen, that’s the most important decision in life you can make who’s gonna be your life partner. And I I wasn’t my idea to be stuck in an empty apartment for ten days, you know, waiting for a moving bed. Being forced to have a conference when I was not I was still tender and broken over my own thing, you know, this this whole thing with this girl with married somebody else. And she was in the same as it turned out, this this whole thing turned into. First of all, who are you? To, oh, I guess we’re gonna be friends. Oh, let’s let’s get each other’s back while we’re in the middle of this. I actually prayed with the girl about girls I could take out when my heart started to saw. And then the course of time, she got mad when I gave him one of those names, and she picked dandelions out of the front yard for four hours while she realized she loved me. Then she told me, and then we got married and so on. But regardless of this, it was this it that and, actually, even the school that I wanted to go to, I didn’t so I wanted to go going there. And I had this desire to study your particular book of the bible where there’s a high concentration of holy spirit and unclean spirit language. And I discovered to my great surprise nobody had done the research on that. In all of scholarship, from, you know, five hundred years out, did nothing in French, German, or English. And I wound up going to that school because I like the school, but the guy who was assigned to me was writing the very first book in human history on that topic. And I didn’t choose the guy It was doctor Gordon Fee who wrote this anthology on the holy spirit in the Pauline literature. And I am in that book, but again, I didn’t know who the guy was I was looking for a competent scholar in a good school. That’s all I was doing. And the next thing, you know, I’m with the world’s finest, Paul and spirit scholar, best one on the planet. He’s gone to his reward now, but I will tell you his works are groundbreaking. We wind up being the head of the new international commentary series of the new testament. He wound up writing a huge anithology and holy spirit and a smaller one, they became standard reading in every seminary across the earth. And but I I didn’t try to do that. It was it wasn’t my idea. You know, anyway, the point I’m making here is that in the realm of faith, the intangible is always around us.
Always. You can cooperate with god’s movement, or you can fight it. Now, actually, the the helium prayer book that I wrote, I didn’t make up plan to write a book on healing prayer. It wasn’t me. In fact, the way I wind up doing my first ever healing prayer wasn’t my idea either. And so let me I’d love to tell you that story. Can I can I tell you that story? Sure. Okay. Well, here’s what happened. So I was a seminary student in my tradition. And and and my tradition was a mixed bag of people. There’s some who are what they call supernaturalists and some who are our cessationists believe those gifts of the spirit of cease. And some who said, oh, by the way, that was a pre scientific culture. And they didn’t know how else to describe it. So they attributed to God what was, in fact, a natural phenomena, that kind of thing. Yeah, these three streams going into the school. And I remember going into and we’re a new cohort, you know, and there’s a whole bunch of us that are all excited about going into the ministry and training. About thirty five of us who were swapping notes. And then after about two weeks to figure out who’s in which camp. Right? So, anyway, I I go into the class, and one of the props says this thing about Jesus walking on the water. He said, oh, as a pre scientific coach, and we know that Jesus didn’t actually walk on the water. And I said, wait a minute. I wanna just take a moment here and tell you, I really do believe that he did. It’s it’s I know it defies science and logic. And I’m a science guy, my best marks for science and physics and math and biology and so on. But I believe in the miraculous. And there was a guy in the class who was a first class jokester that the guy was hilarious. All you’d have to do is look at your sideways and the whole room would explode and laughter. And if he told a joke, then it was, how do I describe it? It’s like throwing a humor grenade into the room, waiting for the explosion to happen, and everybody would laugh so hard, it would hurt. You know? So I I say this thing about the miracle being true. And this guy cracks a joke, and everybody in the room starts to laugh. But the joke was at my expense. He was making fun of my believing that Jesus walked in water. Right? So anyway, whether you believe in that or not, this is beside the point for the sake of the story. So here we go.
So I go into one class after the class after the class. And whenever there’s one of these moments where the scripture is being said, it’s it’s not really true or it’s not historically accurate or this is primitive culture or whatever. I would defend scripture and the guy would tell joke. And this went on. It’s been on for months. Right? And I I then there came a defining moment and I said to myself, Yep. I’m never gonna be his friend. It’s not gonna happen. And I had a great class three times when we had to cross the class and was held at a different school. And one day, I was walking across this plaza, and there was a lovely classmate. And I called her Susie in the book. I’ve lost touch with her, but I I grew up in in I don’t have a permission to use it really, but she stops me and she says, David, how are you doing? And she and I’ll just tell you about this girl. She was a very sweet kind, other centered person. You know, that phrase do what others should have them do what to you. That was her write down to the toe nails. Always always others centered, always kind, always consider it. Always well mannered, always, you know, how do I say this?warmly caring. That’s the best way to describe it. Anyway, I’m walking across this class and I said, hey, Susan. How you doing? Said, I’m fine. I’m going to my Hebrew. I said, I’m going to my Greek. And she said, oh, okay. Hey, you know the class committee. I said, oh, yeah. I know. And she said, well, you see that hospital? Six blocks down. And I said, yeah. She said, well, he’s in there. And actually, I I just have to say this victory. I didn’t feel bad for about two minutes. So I had to abandon my stinking Ozzie attitude. Right? Now she didn’t see that, but it was going on exactly. Anyway, Finally, I looked at her. I said, oh, listen, what’s up? And she said he has phlebitis. I said, what’s that? And then she described it. She said, he’s got a clot in his arm. It’s in his vein. If the clot breaks free, it’ll travel to one or three places, the brain, the heart, or the lung. If it gets to any of those, you’re dead ninety five times out of a hundred. And I thought, oh, man, that’s bad. I said, I’m so sorry. Is he getting good care? You know, in Canada, healthcare is free. So I said, is he getting good care? He said, yeah, he’s in the hospital, now it’s university hospital. It’s a good one. I said, oh, okay. And I said, well, okay. Thanks for telling me. And she said, wait, I have something to say to you from him. Yeah. I went to see him and he asked me to ask you something. I said, oh, what do you ask? She said, he wants you to come and pray for it. I said, what? What kind of craziness is that? And so you know, and I said, I’m not going. And she said, why aren’t you going? I said, you have seen it. He’s been cruel. He’s mocked me in front of our peers on a regular basis. Every time I just say anything about the scripture being historically accurate, you know. And so and so she said, you know, he has been cruel. I said, yeah. Said, okay, I’ll talk to him. I said, well, I’m not going that way, I went to my class. And the next day, I see her in the coffee lounge in school.
Right? And we’re shooting a braze about this type of thing. And she said, well, listen, I I went see the Canadian in the hospital. And he’s terribly sorry that he did what he did to you. Would you go and see him? I said, I’m not going. Because now, There were three reasons why I wasn’t going. Number one was the one I’ve made to you. He mocked me in front of our peers, and it it it hurt. It really did hurt. The second was that I had never met anybody healed by what the Bible calls the prayer faith. I didn’t know anybody. I’d seen the crazies on television, slapped people on the forehead, screaming. And throwing hankies in the air. But I think that was a helpful model. Now the third thing is, I did I had not been trained in this. I didn’t I received no training. I didn’t know and I didn’t know if it was for today or not. I just didn’t know. But, you know, so I I I just told her I’m not going. And the next day, I’m walking across the same three times a week Plaza. And there she is going to her class. And she said, oh, by the way, did you go and see our friend in the hospital? I said, I’m not going. Now, Victoria, have you ever been told off by your mother? This is what the girl looked like. You know what I’m saying that you you get the fire in your eyes and you get the anger. Coming out of your pores and, you know, this girl outside in front of a crowd of people who are walking by, yelled at me at the top of your life. So he stopped her foot. The fire came out of her, you know, her visits, you know, and she gave that meeting. She used my middle initial. She knew a middle initial. She said David, our shotgun. Aren’t you gonna no. Aren’t you going around this school saying that the Bible is the word of God that’s supposed to be obeyed? I said, yes. She said, well, how about this? I was sick and you visited me. That’s what the Bible says. That’s what Jesus says and I thought, oh, No. We’re gonna have to go and see the guy. I’ve fell below eleven in my center. And I thought, okay. I’ll go. But it says sick and visit.
It doesn’t say sick and prayed. She said, whether it’s visitor, whether it’s prayed, he asked for you to go. So go. So I finished my class. Then I walked to six blocks.
I got to the hospital many times. And he was in a bad way, just, you know, he had monitors on him and, you know, the the tubes were going into his arms and and the sound the beeping sounds of the monitors were happening every couple of, you know, couple of minutes and The nurse chargers walked in drop, so medication watched him take it, you know, in the short time I was there. Anyway, he’s why does it go? He’s obviously terrified. And, you know, he and he told me that the clot had not shrunk.
It was still large. And I so I talked to him about the weather. Because I didn’t know what to do. I’d never done it before. Greer than your average rookie, you know, just just did not a clue. So I did the visit thing. I I talked about the weather. Then I asked him about his coursework and he was keeping up. And I said, well, I visited you now. I can go.
And he stopped and he looked at me and he said, wait. Aren’t you? Aren’t you gonna pray? And I said before I even consider that question, I have to ask you one of my own, why? Every single time I’ve said anything about the miracles of Jesus and healing or about the Lord’s miraculous life or about the cross being serious about the resurrection or anything to do with the faith. You have made me a laughing stock. Why? Do you want me to pray for you? And he burst into tears and he began to weep and he said, I’m twenty seven years old, the clock is big in my arm. If that clock breaks free, I’m dead.
That I don’t want to die. Won’t you please pray? Let your god heal me. And I mean, what are you gonna do? I mean, it was obvious the guy really didn’t mean it. But I still had not a sweet clue. What to do? I’ve never been dragged. It’s only way. What I then I remember, oh, the Bible says Jesus put his hand on people. Right? They did that. So I said, well, look, can I come or can I put my hand over you? He said, yeah, you could do that. I said, which arm is it? He said left arm above the elbow. So I went around to his side, and I put my hand over his left arm. Right where that embolism was he said was located. And I put my other hand on his yet. And then I don’t know, honestly, to this day, I can’t remember what I prayed, Victoria. And I’m sure it was an honest prayer. But it was pretty pathetic. Oh, God helped something like that. And I but here’s what happened in the middle of that prayer. Well, I don’t remember the words, but I remember the defining moment. The room filled with presence That’s the only way I can describe it. It was like compassion, filled the air, married together with love and fire. And both of us looked because something had happened, you know. It’s it’s one thing to just have a little prayer and lead the robot. We both locked eyes and we knew something was happening. And then that fire filled my soul and I cried a hot tear in the corner of my right eye. And I felt this energy rising inside of me and focus. The only way I can describe this, total complete focus on him and on God’s love freedom and how the Lord wanted him to receive a miraculous healing. And so then I said, oh, God healed this, something like this. God healed this man, and while I had my hand on his arm, that energy float down my arm and went into his. He looked at me and he said, what is that fiery presence? I said, spirit of Jesus, he’s making you well. And I ran out of the room right after that. For a lot of reasons, never one and never my life felt anything like that. Never.
Secondly, I didn’t know if I was even supposed to pray that way. Because I’ve not resolved the issue theologically. I I just didn’t know. And thirdly, I was terrified he was gonna make be. And I didn’t know if he’s gonna be. I mean, all these reasons are floating in my head to run out of the room. The next day, I’m in the school. And so is he? I said, you’re here? He said, I am. I said, what happened? And and then he he he it it was a nineteenth century stone building and he shoved me in one of these stone corners behind the column, and he looked in every direction, you know. Therese the floor hard everything. And then he said, that prayer. Changed my life. I said, thank you, and I ran away because I still I I I had the time to process it, you know? And then I went to my next class that he was in, we had three classes in common. And I said something that defended the scripture and he stood up to tell the joke. And he made fun of not believing. And the whole class exploded in laughter but the laughter was at the expense of unbelief, not faith. And he did that in rig class. I was with him, and then I heard from classmates that he was doing that in other classes where I was not present. And I didn’t know. So that story that I just told you, that’s in the healing prayer book that that prompted the conversation between you and I get on the the podcast here. So anyway, we had the summerfield thing and he I had to go away for four months and he walks up to me, he passes me a piece of paper with his phone number on it. And he says, if you’re in trouble, you’re trouble. You call me. You call me. I said, whoa. Okay. So I went to wait to wait to interview. Had a marvelous time, because it’s one of those times where you’re you’re looking at the new thing and you’re learning all kinds of marvelous things. And I learned how to preach a sermon, I learned how to visit people. I did I participated in a wedding, you know. Then I had four funerals. I had those four funerals. But the pastor wasn’t there and I learned how to do that. And then, of course, he came back from vacation way unpacked all the learning I discovered how to do various things. Anyway, I get back to school. And he walks up to me and he says, you didn’t call me. I said, I didn’t have any trouble. And he said, if you’re in trouble, you call me, you know, it’s always a little okay. Anyway, a couple months in, there’s a party for the students. Right? And we’re all gathered together, and we’re talking this and that. We’re just shooting a breeze. About nothing because if you do it apart, you have a little laugh, you know what? I was standing with him and his wife and this girl who had asked me in the first place. Because that girl and this man’s wife were great bunnies. Anyway, the two girls look at him and begin to get me elbow. You know, you’re you’re gonna have to tell Chuck what happened. Tell Chuck. Tell Chuck. Tell Chuck. He said, oh, I don’t wanna tell Chuck to what happened. And then eventually, he did. And he said, right after you left, the charters walked in. And I said, I can go home now. My friend from the bible’s book, he’s come here. He’s prayed in Jesus’ hand. And the charge nurse says, we don’t do things like that around here. We gotta run tests. He said, well, run the test then. And so they did because it was it was actually due for them. Every trace of phlebotis was gone from his body. And it had been big the day before every trace was gone. His wife picked him up. He was discharged from the hospital after all the tests confirmed that he was well. He went home and, of course, he’s thankful. Right? I mean, we’re we’re talking and he could have died and he’s well. And he kneels down beside his bed and he thanks the Lord. They go to bed and he prays before he sleeps. And he has a dream and in the dream, he hears a voice. And the voice says, my servant David defends the integrity of my word, and no one defends him. I’m gonna cry when I tell you this, when he defends the integrity of my word. You defend him. And he did for three years, all through that theological education. Thirty years later, thirty years after that event, he we changed I changed the nominations. He’s still in the scene over, but he contacted me.
I lost touch with him. And he said thirty years ago, he prayed for Jesus to heal my arre. Thank you that you did. I’m well. Three kids. Happily married. Finish she enters now retirement. He finishes ministry. Anyway, I I just asked you. Healing prayer was not my idea. It was a kiss so the reason the book is called God’s idea because it wasn’t my idea. It wasn’t this is not something that I decided that I wanted to learn how to do. It was something that I tripped into together with every other major thing that I’ve ever done in life. And actually learning how to breathe for the die. Wasn’t my idea? That the four funerals were of the late first one with the lady who was supposed to organize this, you know. So mean, it’s hilarious when you stop and think about it, but it’s it’s to deal with what you call pathos, this kind of strange emotion where you know you’re in the middle of something bigger than you. Much bigger than you. So, yeah, that’s and so the design appointment a day is an extension of that same principle. I want to be in something that I have not ordained, not established, not built toward. I mean, I want to do that too. I want to have a successful trajectory in what doing, etcetera, terror. That’s just ordinary life. But I want to know God’s involved in something. And so I ask him for those divine appointments each day. And he sends them. So I do believe in the power of faith to heal the breathing heart. I do. And the way that I describe the way God speaks is that he speaks nonverbally by presence. And that heals the broken heart. Let me tell you what I mean by that. There’s a text in the book of Romans. That’s, by the way, that’s the famous book from the from the apostle Paul, everybody who’s any kind of Christian reads Romans. It’s the if they call it the capital, that’s what because it’s the one that everybody refers to for all kinds of teaching. That is standard procedure in every branch of the Lord’s Church, whether you’re protestant or orthodox or evangelical or charismatic. They all say the capital of Pittsburgh’s Romans fourteen says this. Kingdom of God is not eating and drinking. Because they were arguing about eating and drinking. The kingdom of God is righteousness and peace and joy. In the holy spirit. And so the experience of knowing the lord through an encounter with the spirit produces three identity murders. Righteousness is a sweet walk with God, and peace is internal serenity despite external circumstance. And joy is internal celebration even when the world is flying apart. And when those three things wax large, and you find yourself in something you have not expected. That’s God talking. When you are praying find yourself in when those three things wacklired, and suddenly a stream of consciousness comes into your brain. To go and see so and so down the street. And you go when you discover there in a crisis moment. That’s God talking. When those three things diminish, that’s the hand of warning. Pay attention. And when they’re jarred, get out of the room. You’re about them correct. You’re about to walk into a disastrous business meeting. Get out of the room. This is God talking saying, this is big trouble right here. And I teach people how to pay attention to those three markers. And actually, to do more than just say, isn’t that a nice little coincidence? But to attribute that to God’s direct involvement in her lives. Because healing prayer is God’s idea. It’s not ours. Buraculous intervention is God’s idea, not ours. And it’s this is how scripture works. So, I mean, Can you imagine what it was like for Peter James and John and Xevity when they got called? I mean, they’re working in the boat. Jesus of Nazareth shows up there’s a miraculous catch of fish. You know, and let us I just wanna put I wanna illustrate that right in the sketch for you. They have found boats from that era owned by fishermen. That on average, they’re twenty seven feet long, they’re eight feet across and they’re four feet high. And two of those boats were sinking with the fish because they were filled to the brim. And so imagine you’re out there. You’ve worked hard all night. You’ve got nothing. You know you gotta pay your bills. You haven’t got enough money to pay the bills. And you’re washing your nets, repairing them because, you know, you gotta pay the bills. This is just not helpful. I know. So anyway, This guy shows up and says, throw your nets over there. Right? So they do and that they didn’t want to do that, but they did. And there were so many wrinkling tilapia in those two boats, then it touched their toes, it touched their ankles, it touched their knees, it touched it went up to four feet. I mean, I’m here. That much, and the boat is right at water level, and the other boat over there is doing the same thing. And then Jesus says, I want you to follow me. I mean, That was the Simon Peter’s idea. It actually says he throws himself down, but actually this is a tale of people who don’t know this. He has to throw himself down in the fish not on the shore because the boat had not yet come to shore. He throws himself down into a massive wriggling tilapia and he says to Jesus of Nazareth. I am not worthy of this. You are God, and I am not. And Jesus said to him, don’t be afraid you’re not gonna catch fish. You’re gonna haul in humans. That’s what you’re gonna do. Wasn’t his idea. Thank you very much. So that’s how that’s how I understand. Ministry. That’s how I understand care for people in grief.
Victoria Volk: I had a moment quite a few years ago there was a gentleman that died in my community. Okay. I think he was, I don’t know, late eighties, maybe even early nineties. A plumber by trade, new everybody, right, in the community.
David Chotka: Yep.
Victoria Volk: And I remember sometime before I passed away, we were sitting outside the bar.
David Chotka: I was
Victoria Volk: just sitting outside. It was a nice summer night evening or whatever, and I never really had a conversation with the guy before that.
David Chotka: Mhmm.
Victoria Volk: And he told me, I’m not even sure why, but he told me that the best thing he ever did was choosing to adopt his wife’s children as his
David Chotka: own. Okay.
Victoria Volk: Fast forward, I’m not sure how long after that, he passed away. Mhmm. But when he passed away, they had a celebration of life in the bar just, you know, everybody got together and things like that. And I just had this poll to go to the bar. I didn’t know who his kids were, didn’t know what they look like, to tell them what he said.
David Chotka: It changed their life. Right?
Victoria Volk: I don’t know. In the moment, I you know, I I did go and I did share what he shared with me.
David Chotka: Yeah. I
Victoria Volk: don’t know if they reflected on it after the fact or whatnot, but, you know, it was one of those things, like, it wouldn’t leave me alone. You know, like, I came home and
David Chotka: That’s him. That’s good. Yeah. Yeah. The fact that he should tell you in a happenstance, and that you that you should pass away shortly thereafter Mhmm.
And that you get commanded to go to that place, to say this, to a bunch of people you do not know.
Victoria Volk: Mhmm.
David Chotka: That’s him. Yeah. That’s hearing the voice. So you have heard the voice of Jesus. You’ve heard it.
Victoria Volk: I have several there I’ve had a lot of moments in my life. Even my marriage with my husband, like, we were friends for seven years. I was heartbroken and And I I’ve asked him, like, what made you, like, decide to pursue me? He really can’t answer that. Kind of funny because we hadn’t looked at each other, like, that way, you know, in a, like, in a the romantic way.
You know, we were friends for seven years.
David Chotka: Yep.
Victoria Volk: And and then all of a sudden, he was like this relentless consumer night and shining armor, you know. And I’d I’d I’d said one prayer. I just bring someone into my life who is good for me.
David Chotka: And the Lord heard you prayer.
Victoria Volk: And he heard my prayer. Yeah. Twenty plus years later, here we are. Three kids.
David Chotka: Well, so listen, though, the whole point of this podcast is to bring comfort to people who are distressed or in trouble. That’s the whole point of your podcast. I will say that the most important thing you can do is to straight up, some people have stroke trouble with faith, some people may break
Victoria Volk: down church. I did myself.
David Chotka: Yeah. Some people who had a bad experience in that catheter, some priest abused them or or maybe they’ve heard about that priest abusing their best friend and or they they were turned off by some bitter bibles number, you know, showing up pro bar in somebody. So nothing worse than that. Oh my heavens. Anyway, That the the point is it doesn’t matter where you are. The point is that don’t let a bad experience of some idiot. Get in the way of your accessing what is freely available to anyone who asks for it. One of my favorite scriptures is is found in the psalms. It says this God is near to the broken heart. So if you’re broken hearted, pray this very simple prayer. Okay? Your word says, so please send it. Please please come here. I’m Broken Heart. And the way that he shows up by presence is to manifest himself within, with this velvety smooth assurance of war, and behind your physical estate.
And I’ve I’ve tried to put words around this. And if you can say this better than can’t I will lift your quote. I’ll give you credit, but I’ll tell I’ll use it. This is so the way that I feel to mind presence, there’s this cognitive thing where you choose it and you say, oh, yes. Is fine and you make the decision that isn’t that nice, but that’s not that doesn’t cover the ground. There comes this moment inside where the believer knows inside their door. That’s the only way to describe this. Mhmm. There’s this awareness and it is other than you And it is something that is separate and distinct from you, but intrinsic to who you are because you said yes to him. And you sense this rising sense of fiery gentle presence and it’s a velvety smooth It’s assurance, it’s grace, it’s love, it’s yearning for more of him, and it’s settled contentness in who he is. Even if your circumstances are terrible. With the peace of God, which passes understanding, keep guard over your hearts and minds, In the knowledge and love of Christ, Jesus, so says the apostle Paul in the book of Philippians when he was in jail of all things. He was in jail when he wrote that he had a Roman guard chained to his wrist while he’s writing this stuff. I wonder what that Roman guard thought about the fact that the Apostle was writing this of just this. And he didn’t know he’s an apartment. He thought he was some guy who was upfront charges, you know, that kind of thing. And he writes about this experience of the internal presence with peace Staying like like a guard keeping watch over your door of faith. It’s like a soldier, a century standing at your door, walking back and forth. Making sure that the prisoner inside that space is content. That’s what I would ask people to consider doing to. Open their hearts up to that. Now, if there’s an atheist out there, my dad was an atheist. He became an agnostic, and then he became a Christian believer. He became a Christian believer because Jesus of Nazareth appeared to him. It was the most amazing kind of thing. And he’d suffered much. He had he’d lost a lot of his eyesight because of the childhood thing. He had scoped cold bottles in glasses. He then was treated by friends and family. And he didn’t believe that it was possible that people out there were actually kind of a gentleman’s suite. And then I became a believer. I was the first one in my family. Again, that wasn’t my idea. That wasn’t my dad’s idea either. Right? It was my mom’s idea. And when it was all set and done, my face impacted his existence course because that’s your kid. You got what he can do with this. You know, what school of the ministry is. What’s this crazy kind of thing? Be a dentist, be a doctor mix a month, you know? Be a lawyer. That’s that’s the immigrant story. So what there’s a Jewish joke or what’s the difference between a tailor and psychiatrist? One generation.
Anyway, getting back to this. He he couldn’t believe. And I remember praying for him three years. And then there was one critical moment where suddenly this whole thing changed. And he banging his head on a on a on a beam in one of our storerooms area and east war to jeez, his name to date. And the Lord behind him said, yes. And he turned around and he was eyes to eyes with the risen Lord. In the doorway of that storeroom, And my dad had agreed three education. And since because his eyes were bad when he was a little kid, but as they locked his eyes together, I he’s telling me the story is towards what is she and hardly speak and said, dad, What was that like? He said it was like I was looking into wells of love. He never talked that way. Grade three education, you don’t read Edison for fun. You’re not a Shakespeare fixinato. You’re not reading, you know, lawn failure. You’re not reading the wallwood or anything.
You’re you’re not you’re
Victoria Volk: I mean, he was an atheist.
David Chotka: Yes. Well, at that point, probably an agnostic. At that point, he kinda thought because of growing things regardless. Didn’t believe in that. And So apparently, he was looking at the Lord and I I’m he’s telling me the story about a week after it happened, trying to give words to this. Physically shaking. And then he I said, dad, what did you say? So if I told Jesus that I loved my son and he met me because I was the pastor, you know. And then Jesus said, I know this. And then he said to the Lord, I’m a sinner. And Jesus said, I forgive you. And he vanished. That’s how my dad came to faith. Wasn’t his idea. He banged his head on a beam. Took the Lord’s name in vain and the Lord appeared to him. I haven’t had a crazy kind of thing. So I’m a supernatural I believe from the power of the Lord to intervene in the flow of history, but I’m also a horse stance guy. I don’t believe that everybody you pray for sealed. I do believe that people die young. I do believe that sometimes people make bad bad bad mistakes and do terrible things they shouldn’t do. I do believe that crazy people kill others and so on and so forth. And there’s this thing where I do believe in the scientific enterprise and I do believe in the power of God in your v. And they flow in different channels. And some some faith traditions say you can never put these two channels together, and I completely disagree with that. Science works inside the framework of a world that is created, and God established those rules of creation. And so we, scientific enterprise, is only uncovering what lies fallow under the surface of the soil, and they endeavor to discover a trajectory of a particular sickness or affliction they find a cure or they find an adaptive therapy, you should take the gift. And every now and then there’s a miraculous intervention. And sometimes the two of them overlap like this beautifully. And sometimes they separate out and run-in different pathways, but regardless of this.
What I teach in the book and the reason I wrote the book, it’s a co write by the way. Co writer is a million selling author by the name of Dr. Maxi Dunnham. Have I got his yeah. Here’s his book. This book is the one that trained me in Huddl. Ford quicker living prayer. Maxi wrote this. It’s a million seller. And it gives it the the structure of this book is inspired. It’s the structure is the thing that that was amazing. He would give a little bit of teaching, a little bit of scripture, a little bit of reflecting, recording, a little bit of a challenge. You do that for seven days in the week. He learned how to pray. It’s just this and you do it by praying, not just by reading about prayer. Well, I met him and he and I wrote wrote together this book called healing prayer, and then I’ve that I’m on your podcast to talk about. And, of course, it includes stories of people dying before their time and grieving. It includes stories of people who who who prayed one way and who ended up getting something else. And it includes miraculous accounts of divine intervention. So there’s five pathways made in this book. The first one is the instant heal, and I’ve told you a couple of those stories now, and rackets integrations. The second is a pathway to a remedy. Somebody does research, well, and you wind up meeting the person who’s got an adaptive therapy for what you’re discovering you need. Well, take it. They spent thirty years because their kids’ sister died in leukemia and they’ve studied cancer. Well, why would you resist taking the fruit of someone’s labor when their intention was to make this this cure possible. Take it. That’s from God too. Third is an ordinary healing. Now, I will tell you something about this. My wife was miraculously cured of muscular dystrophy. That stories in this in this book about halfway through. It was incredible to watch. Before she was cured. If she damaged a muscle, the muscle was damaged forever. After she was cured, if she damaged a muscle, the muscle healed. So natural healing is also part of the equation. Then there is suffering that we don’t understand. And for some reason, it’s there. We wait through it. We don’t understand it. Sometimes somebody dies young. And last is the miraculous crossing in the end of your life. All of us have a purpose and all of us completed. And all of us have to face our maker. All five of those are legitimate means by which God leads us in this journey called healing prayer. That’s God’s idea.
Victoria Volk: So what about that with your wife and your daughter? The polarity of
David Chotka: Yeah. I live between the two. Like, I I do. I live between the two. Now, before I go any further, I I do have a two o’clock coming up.
And it’s it’s one fifty one.
Victoria Volk: Well, would you briefly share that how because your daughter has
David Chotka: Yes. So the way I say it is this. My daughter has my tonic dystrophy. My wife was cured of curing FSH. She’s adopted.
My wife was was hesitant in her family life. Mhmm.
Victoria Volk: And
David Chotka: we’ve when we adopted the girl, we didn’t know. And so part of the miracle of providence. Is that she was adopted into a family that could accommodate her and muscular dystrophy, and we knew it. Now I hope that in my mind, that’s not enough. I want the rest. Thank you very much. And so for about twenty years, we would pray for her to be well. And now we pray for her to be a peace. That’s how we pray because the the answer hasn’t come. So the way I describe it in the book is God initiates and we respond. Not we initiate and God responds. It doesn’t work that way. Thank you very much. So I teach people how to pay attention to the mind leading in that. Howard Bauchner:
Victoria Volk: What I kind of want to touch on now then is what you kinda said was how people can feel like their prayers are not being heard. Like, prayers are not being answered and
David Chotka: Yes.
Victoria Volk: And I have this thought or belief within myself that yes, pray, but you also have to move your feet.
David Chotka: Actually, the bet I heard heard of this bet this way. If you pray for potatoes, put your hands in plow. Yeah. I’m listening to this little kid. Right?
And it’s actually really that’s an important principle. And when it’s all said and done, The the principle behind that is not what it called passively. You don’t sit in your button with for God to take care of everything. You are born to work. And the reason why Adam was given the assignment of the garden was because he wasn’t just supposed to sit there and watch the animals. He was supposed to tend soil. You are created in the image of God in order to be creative and to do enter into the acts that God would have you do. Now, what do you do with unanswered prayer? There is this I have a chapter in the book where I talk about medicine, miracle, and mystery. And how all three of them intertwine. And the thrust of the book is to say, we are not god. We are those who are in submission to the movement of God’s spirit. And we cannot manipulate the Lord to accomplish all that we want because we we only have a little three pound brain. And the best that you and I can do is to use the three pounds and train it. But you can’t tell it’s around the corner. In fact, this lady that I was just gonna see just canceled and I wasn’t expecting that. Alright? So I didn’t know that. I had organized my time since I’d be done according to your timetable and then pick up my coal. So I I can’t tell that, but now we have more time to be able to to navigate this because we’re in the middle of an important cover that isn’t completed. You can break this up into two episodes if you want to do that, which is what you might do. But regardless of that, God initiates and he leads us in paths that we do not understand or know. And when it is all said and done, we’re always left with holding history. There are seasons where we see miraculous breakthrough, and there are seasons where we see partial breakthrough. And there are scenes where we see no breakthrough at all. This one came to a head when I had a buddy who was in his fifties. And I was pastor in church forty five minutes from here. I was serving in Chad and Ontario, now serving in Windsor. But it’s but that church was a really solid place. My very first ever visit was to this guy. So I arrive in my office, and the secretary walks in and says to me, you gotta go on see Bob. He wants the new passenger to come and see him. So we’re talking The books are not out of the boxes yet. I mean, I put the books in the office. The bookshelves are being constructed. And I said, well, I guess I can go down the road and see this guy, so I get in the car and I do my first ever pass through a call in that church. I walk into this house. He’s on an oxygen oxygen mask. And he’s carrying this tube with him and he’s full of cancer. And his godly wife is caring for him and they’re sweet people, but I know his skin is the wrong color.
His eyes are the wrong color. And I have been around the block enough to know when somebody’s tied days your number. So I pray a prayer of comfort with him. That’s the way I prayed. And I get back in my car and I drive home, but it was the end of the day.
I said to my wife, look, I think I got a funeral coming up. It’s a guy named Bob. Apparently, he’s a godly fellow. I just met him. I was in his home. And I think I’m gonna do here. What I didn’t know was that the elders of the church had already booked in to see him that night and he didn’t tell me that. And the elders went to pray for him, obeying James chapter five where it says that the elders of the church and like the with the royal prayer phase, etcetera. And he went into a miraculous recovery. And three days later, he’s down in South Carolina at Myrtle Beach. Gulfy. Exactly. He’s had this astonishing recovery in the board chair, Hal Norton, and him, Bob Roberts, they’re out there down there. Galtham, because he had this amazing recovery, happened instantly in front of those elders. And so I had witnessed amazing. This is incredible. In the in the course of time, Bob became a friend. Bob and Marlene and and was one of a a group of four couples and we all got together and we should reason laugh. He was one of the fun he was a delightful guy and there was a guy named Bill and Bill and Bob would do these back and forth kind of hilarious things. And if you were in the middle of that that rep r t, you’d laugh until you were done. It was just this marvelous fun and whenever I wanted to blow off steam always with Bob. He became one of my elders, and I remembered having significant prayer times with him. There was one that happened just before he became my friend. He said, I wanna go to a a church in Toronto that has a reputation of of being one of these healing places. I said, that’s a three and a half hour drive, Bob.
You wanna go? He said, yeah. I wanna go. I booked my associate in preaching because that was my sermon prep day. And he and I together with our two wives drove down the highway and it took us four hours because the highway was busy. We pull up at this place, and we show up at this place, and nobody prays for him, nobody prays for me. It doesn’t happen. You know? And we’re at the door of the place. And I said, this is crazy, Bob. We’ve gone four hours. One way, we gotta go four hours back. You wanna pray now, but he said, well, we better. So I put my hand on him. His wife and my wife put their hand on hand. We started to pray. Bob started to laugh. Heart filled joyful laughter. It just bubbling from inside of him. It was it was honest joyful laughter. Hilarious. And so he didn’t stop laughing. What what we got in the car to drive back home. And for the four hour drive from Toronto to Chatham, he kept laughing. And I had you know, then he gets in his car and his wife, Marlene, had the drive home because he was still laughing. And from that point forward, the man that I knew was full of laugh the laughter subsided when he finally went to sleep. But he started to have a crazy hilarious sense of humor, and it became part of this for some couple of things where we’d always have fun. And he became an elder in my church and we did all kinds of amazing things together and he was what I called bible from where Bob. He was the guy who called the elders to account when they were being a pack of idiots. When they were when they weren’t gonna do something that was the right thing to do because it caused too much.
He pulled the bible out, and he’d tell us off. You know, and then he make a joke and everybody in the room would crack up laughing. And then we’d we’d adopt the expensive decision and do the right thing and the money would come. And he was that kind of a guy. And then the cancer returned. And four years later, I was in the hospital room when he died. His daughter was with him. I was in the room. It was two o’clock in the morning. I got called up because it was pretty, you know, severe, and I was holding his hand. And his daughter was holding his other hand. And he breathed his last. I did the funeral. And when I was doing this funeral, I did my very best to put best foot forward, but this was not just a parishioner. This was a very good friend and this was someone who had seen healing and it ended and he died. And I remember so I did this service. I don’t know. I did my best to present a positive take on this. I watched his body descend to the ground. I went back to the office. I closed the door. I put a cover over the window. I sat in the corner and I cried like a baby, because that was my friend. Three weeks later, I was with the other three couples plus the widow. And they were thanking me for doing a beautiful service. And I said, okay, thank you. I appreciate that. And they said, yeah, it was so amazing to see Bob healed. I said, healed. I just buried and he was fifty five. He died. What are you talking about? And they looked at me and they said, you didn’t know him before. Did you? I said, no. I moved here. My first visit was him. He was on an oxygen tank, and there was this amazing recovery, and and they said, well, He was clinically depressed for a dozen years. He hadn’t laughed in a dozen years. And you drove him to that church in Toronto and nobody prayed for him. And then you and Elizabeth and Marlene prayed for him and he started to laugh. And the clinical depression vanished. And they were given three and a half years of blissful married life. Before he died of the cancer in the last six months. Jesus healed them of clinical depression. Even though he died at fifty five young. So what I say in the book is there’s this thing called already, not yet. We’re already participants in the powers of the next age. We are not yet as we should be. And those two realities overlap just like that in every life, in every family. And so I saw my wife healed. I’ve actually been physically healed. I had a paralyzed face. I was told I’d never speak again when I was fifty three. And the Lord healed me, and that’s a long story as well. I don’t want to tell a long story. It was so remarkable. It got recorded by the Christian Broadcast Network and there’s been a hundred and twenty thousand views of that story. I had a face that the doctor told me would never heal, and I was completely healed in a process that was just absolutely filled and wonder. And my daughter’s not. So I’ve been healed. My wife’s been healed. My daughter’s not. And I live between two ages that overlap, the age of life and the age of death. And the victory is partial until Jesus returns at the end of time.
Than what God would have us do. It’s live between the times and celebrate his presence in this fallen and broken world. Do we people who extend love and grace to those who have none? And to walk with them through all their struggles and all their difficulties, trusting that God will intervene in their lives.
Victoria Volk: Amen. That is a beautiful place to end this podcast, actually.
David Chotka: Well, thank you. That’s it. Yeah. There’s a scripture that has both of those in it. I’ll I’ll just say it to you. I think that’s a good way for me to close the sentences. The loved now We are children of God. It does not yet appear we should be. But when he appears, we shall be like him. For we shall see him as he is. Now, not yet. First John chapter three verse two. That’s where the believer lives.
Victoria Volk: Thank you so much. For all of your stories, for making what you shared relatable to people who may be struggling with their faith. I know I did personally for many years
David Chotka: Yeah.
Victoria Volk: And, you know, you you some people go many years blaming God for their circumstances and I think he lies in wait. Just waiting for us to awaken to his love for us, I suppose.
David Chotka: Yeah. Now the love’s unmerited. We don’t deserve it. Absolutely don’t deserve it. It comes because it comes. And it isn’t our idea. It isn’t our idea. It’s it’s God’s idea to love us. We just got the your guy. He woke up and he pursued you.
Yeah. Yeah. That’s it. Wasn’t your idea? Wasn’t it? Yeah. Look, that’s why. Why did she do that? Oh, because I love you. I just he just did that. And you So it’s the same with with the love of God toward us. We don’t deserve it. They even know why he wants to bother, but he does. So if you can awaken to that, it becomes something beautiful. And that’s where we live.
Victoria Volk: I love that. Where can people find you?
David Chotka: I have a website that’s the easiest way spirit equip dot com. And I think you’ll I think I sent the links to you, if I’m not mistaken, I believe. Yeah. Anyway, it’s the the word spirit is the same as holy spirit, s p I r I t, and a word equip is the same as the beginning of equipment, EQU IP. Put the two things together, spiritequip.com.
That’s my website. And it has links to all my social media, so my Instagram thing is there, my YouTube channels there, my blogs are there, my Facebook page is there, and so on and so forth.
Victoria Volk: And my In your books?
David Chotka: My books are there too. And, yes, all the things that the the ability to book me, I do three day events in churches. And if people want me to come to their church, I’m more than able to do that. You just have to give me some lead time. Pay my hair fair and take up offerings. That’s what we do. It’s it’s not expensive to do. Find me a place to stay as long as it’s not some scsi dive. You know, find me a private room with Matthew. And then I’m more than happy to come into churches. I teach principles. I’ll tell you why I the the organization is called Spirit Equipment. Because nobody equipped me in the spiritual disciplines. I had to learn the hard way. And my goal is to make spiritual disciplines one small step at a time, simple for people so that they know what steps they can take, so that they can learn to enter into the things that God would have us learn. And so I have five books out. All of them are books that teach spiritual disciplines one small step at a time. And so spirit clip dot com is named after the activity that’s involved in my ministry. And and I do it all cross denominational line. I’m gonna be speaking to a bunch of methodists in a few months. I’m gonna speak to a pentecostal group after that. I’m I’m working with the Christian missionary alliance. I have preached him back to churches and men and night churches. I have spoken trans denominationally to Catholics and Africans and Baptist and Presbyterian and many Knights. You name it, they’re all there. Either my own denomination, sometimes they’ll let me speak in my own too. Anyway, I am an orthodox believer. I believe in, you know, the classic statements, the creed of the church, and so on. And I’m looking for really three things when I’m going into a church. I know that I can work with you. And number one, you have a high view of the bible as final. That you believe that Jesus is in fact God the sun and that you believe that that the new birth is essential. If those three things are there, I don’t care which background is I can work with you. And that those are the groups that I go to.
Victoria Volk: And so I will put your website in the show notes, and anything else you would like to pass along with me to add?
David Chotka: You know, right now, I’m trying to figure out some way to get the first chapter of the book and audiobook. Available. So I’m talking to my publisher. So God willing, I think it’s really important that you actually it’s it’s in my voice and in the voice of the other co writer. And so both of our voices are in the first chapter. And we both tell a story or two. And it’ll be I’m trying to get that done. So If I don’t get it done from my publisher, I’m gonna rerecord it myself and send it to you. I’d like to make that available to anybody who’d like to receive that.
Victoria Volk: Sounds good. And anything else you’d like to share that you don’t feel and you got to?
David Chotka: Oh, listen. We covered the ground here. We went long. We waxed long so that we could cover all the ground. So I think we did. There’s lots I could teach and talk about. I’ve written five books. I have a book on hearing the voice of Jesus. I have a book on dealing with the key phrases and words of the Lord’s prayer. I have this one on healing prayer. I’m writing I’m rewriting the Lord’s prayer book, and I have a book where I am where I’m teaching on the Holy Spirit, how Holy Spirit works. I’m a I’m a sessional lecturer in the Pathways School for Ministry on the Holy Spirit’s baptismal, what it looks like, how it works. So these are the areas of my expertise. And I’m more than happy to to talk. In this case, I believe with your podcast, your audience, the Healing Cray book was the best book to to put forward. It was the one that speaks to the constituency that you’re in.
Victoria Volk: I would agree. Yeah. And thank you so much for everything that you shared today and to my listeners and I enjoyed our conversation.
David Chotka: And likewise, it was been it’s been easy to have the conversation with you. Thank you, Victoria.
Victoria Volk: And remember, when you unleash your heart, you unleash your life, much love.
Grieving Voices Guest, Grieving Voices Podcast, Growth, Healing, Mental Health, Mind/Body Wellness, Podcast, Suicide, Where Are They Now? |
Quandell Wright | Where Are They Now?
SHOW NOTES SUMMARY:
Quandell’s first episode was Ep. 28 | The Scars of Abuse, Poverty, and Shame, recorded in October 2020 and went live on January 5th, 2021.
Listening to Quandell’s first episode is recommended to appreciate where Quandell was and how far he’s come in his life.
He asks one question in this episode: “How do you grieve?” It’s a question we all would benefit from reflecting upon and recognizing where we may need additional support or accountability for moving forward.
Personal development and life transformation is a marathon, not a sprint. In this first “Where Are They Now” episode, Quandell shares how his life has changed in the two and a half years since we first spoke.
In the words of Quandell: “You never know if the best is yet to come. What if you looked at life this way?”
Just breathe…
RESOURCES:
CONNECT :
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NEED HELP?
- National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 1-800-273-8255
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If you are struggling with grief due to any of the 40+ losses, free resources are available HERE.
Are you enjoying the podcast? Check out my bi-weekly newsletter, The Unleashed Letters.
CONNECT WITH VICTORIA:
This episode is sponsored by Do Grief Differently™️i. My 12-week in-person or online program helps Grievers who have suffered any type of loss to feel better, and Do Grief Differently™️. You learn new tools, education, and a method you can utilize the rest of your life. In this program. And with my guidance, you remove the pain of grief, the sadness will always be there because even in complicated relationships we love but it’s the pain of grief that keeps us stuck. Are you ready to do grief differently? Check out my website wwwtheunleashedheart.com to learn more.
Victoria Volk 0:00
Welcome to grieving voices today is a Where are they now episode and I would like to reintroduce you to an old friend of mine, who I’ve been following ever since we first talked and I’m excited to share where he’s been, because this is me learning for the first time to just what his updates are. But I’ve been following him online. And I know he’s been doing some amazing things. So I’m excited for him to share more about that. But first, Q Quandell I call you Q. Please reintroduce yourself to those who may be listening to this for the first time. Just tell us who you are.
Quandell Wright 0:45
Okay, cool. Hey, how you doing? My name is Quandell Wright I’m a I’m the founder, fashion designer of William Palmer. I’m based out of Detroit, Michigan. So that’s why.
Victoria Volk 0:55
I love it. And we first talked I actually looked it up just to make sure I get it right, because your first episode is episode 28. And it was published January 5 2021. So here we are, over two years later. Isn’t that crazy?
Quandell Wright 1:00
I know. Right?
Victoria Volk 1:04
And but we initially talked October 22 2020. And at the time you had been going through, or you had just finished something like that. It was around that time you were working with me in Grief Recovery. Yeah. And I imagine a lot has changed for me in that time. But I imagine so much has changed for you too. And yeah. So I suggest for those who haven’t listened to Episode 28, start there, because this one will make it’ll just be the icing on the cake. This episode is like that. Yeah. So listen to that one first, come back to this one. So please, share with me, what’s all changed for you since then?
Quandell Wright 2:06
Oh, a lot. Um, I mean, my, my spirit, you know, definitely, you know, start from there. I had a rough that was a rough year for me, every level you could probably think of, um, but, you know, my, my brand, like my career and everything that I’m doing a lot of things is elevated. And so it’s been it’s been a journey for sure. It’s been a journey. So from that time to now it’s been a lot of like recovery, a lot of growth. A lot of, you know, of course ups, you know, ups and downs, you know, that that comes with life. But overall, like, it’s been, it’s been great. It’s been an experience, you know, I want to kind of day ranch in 2020. That was a Yeah. So fast forward to now with that information, I’m actually kind of connected with the guy that designed Kanye footwear. So yeah, so that’s, that’s really, really dope, collaborating with Baron Davis, the former former former NBA player, and I’ve been working with Gary Payton as well. It’s been really nice. It’s been nice. It’s been nice. So but other than that, like my spirit, just the way that I look at life from a different perspective, controlling my emotions and know how to get out of certain spaces when I need to take in my time grieving when I need to knowing how to grieve, you know, because life still carry on and things still happen. You know, I lost a couple more people throughout the years and things like that. So just kind of learn it and just, you know, learn it from what you taught me about about grieving and everything like that helped me a lot with it, and helped me help others with the grieving process as well. So it’s been a journey and it’s been great. So that’s for now I am. I am happy.
Victoria Volk 4:03
I’m loving hearing that. Absolutely. Especially how you mentioned your spirit, like you feel healthier and your spirit.
Quandell Wright 4:11
Definitely feel healthy and my spirit and, and physically, I’ve been going to the gym like crazy. I lost about overall I lost almost about 20 pounds. So I’m 16 pounds away from my go. Yes, thank you and I’m a gym rat now like, I have to be in there. I’m in there almost every day of the week. If it’s not then you know, too heavy. I’m doing something like but I made sure I get in gym and I get into Gemini. I release you know, I release stress, whatever and it really helps you know, eating better. Intermittent fasting has been great for me. You know, I’ve been able to clear my mind and yeah, it’s been good. It’s been good. So far, so good. It’s been good.
Victoria Volk 4:55
And so at the time to you, we’re just really getting going on Disney shirt designs and things like that out of your garage. Right? And so how has that changed? Like what are you doing now in that line of business there since that’s been the huge biggest shift elevation?
Quandell Wright 5:13
Yeah, exactly. Um you know I’m still into like the apparel of course, but now I kind of shift a shifted more towards accessory so are we least like this handbag, the pyramid handbag and that kind of like just took me off like not a just like, oh, you’re a purse guy. Like they don’t even remember the polls at all. Yeah. But it’s great. It’s great. Just been in the public eye. People taking selfies with me getting invited to places is really though, is a huge change. Yeah, so I’m getting.
Victoria Volk 5:47
I want to celebrate you for a minute too, because I was looking through your Instagram. And there was a Grammy winner. Yeah, correct. Yes. Who sported your purse? Yeah. Can you share about that?
Quandell Wright 6:01
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Um, Mr. Ryan, he’s actually a writer for oh, what is the name of that show? I forgot. Last is it last week? Last week, last week. Thursday is a show but he’s, he’s a writer for I think his name is John Oliver. I think he wrote for him for that show. He was a co writer. And a friend of mine is actually she is her name is Stephanie. She is the fashion coordinator for William Palmer. The style is of Mr. Ryan contacted her because she knew that she was affiliated with me somehow. And she contact me like, hey, this style is need to talk to you. They want to pull a few bags. And I’m like, sure, you know, and the stylists came over. We got connected. She came over and she was like, Yeah, you heard John Oliver. I was like, Yeah, you know that. She was like, Yeah, well, you know, Mr. Ryan, you know, he right with him. And he would like to wear your bag on the red carpet. I didn’t. He’s like what? And I had all these. Luckily, I had some bags here in my studio. And I was like, well, whatever you like, whatever you can do take. They took a few bags, they ended up you know, sending me a payment. I wasn’t even expecting to get paid for it. I would just assign it to have someone just sport it, you know, but he paid for their bag. He paid for the bag and I still ended up gifting one to him or whatever. And um, the next thing I know he wore it I think they had like a preemies it’s like it’s like me like red carpet before the actual Emmys but he were both bags for both days. And I was just really excited about it. And it was just a great experience to be put in that space and knowing like yo like I’m actually more out there than I think I am because I still just walk around like a normal person and people like oh, you will your bomber your him you know what I say him? You’re him. You’re the purse guy. Like Yeah, can I get a selfie? Can I get so it’s a great experience is really no I love it. But that was a that was really good though. That was really though, and I appreciate Mr. Ryan for that. So he’s still where he posts a picture with you know, one of his bags and one of his outfits. I love it. I love to see that so,
Victoria Volk 8:18
I just wanted to celebrate you for a moment there because that is so exciting. I’m just I think back to so many of those early conversations and and how low that we can feel in our lives you know you feel like you’re at rock bottom and I know your backstory and to just see you flourish now just these are the stories I love it’s it the Triumph stories right the comeback kid the you know you’re kidding me of someone who just kept with it and just stuck with it and never gave up on your dreams and your goals and and how is the shift with shifted things with your family?
Quandell Wright 9:01
Um, it’s you know, I’ve learned to how I want to put this I learned to like just be okay with certain things we can’t control everything family I mean everybody is well you know we we functioning better you know, I will say that we okay but um you know, I’m working I’m just learning how to stay in my space stay respectful try my best to keep peace and the same as on you know, her side as well. We try to understand and things like that but other than that the kids is great. The situation is a little bit better. You know, we could kind of like bump heads here and there. But you know, for the most part is way better than what it was before. So, as time go on, I believe that it can become better. I believe that but in the meantime, you know I’m working. I’m in my space she’s wearing gives us the airspace, the kids, they do and everything and sports and, you know, relationship, there’s all types of stuff going on with them. But you know, we are supportive, we are a great supportive family for one another. And, you know, we’re just doing our best we’re doing the best we possibly can. But it’s way better. It is is way better. So that’s a good thing.
Victoria Volk 10:21
Well, and like you said, you only have control over yourself. And so drawing a circle around your feet and focusing on becoming better for for yourself, you in turn become better for your family, too. And so, I love that things have improved in that area as well of your life. How would you describe the queue that you talked that talk to me? Two plus years ago? And how would you describe yourself today.
Quandell Wright 10:57
Um, the cute two years ago was very, was very, like, hurt, in dealing with past hurt and present hurt. So that’s a lot of hurt at that time. Very hitting, you know, per se, just trying to stay out of the way. angry, very angry. felt misunderstood. And then understand a lot of things. So it was just a lot of this trying to figure out how to handle things, you know, I’m saying because we think life is this way, but then you get this curveball, but life is actually this way. But how can I make life this way? So is this you know, it just always this and what I had to realize is that life dude, throw curveballs here and there. And it’s actually lessons, you know, so the cue now is more understanding more something. Very, very, um, I listened more now, you know, I was more defensive than and I can be a little defensive steal a little bit, but I’m learning to just like just hush and just receive the information. And then now, you know, with that, I can, you know, put out the information I want to put out, you know, because sometimes if we just sit there and receive the information clearly, and really comprehend it, it might not the situation might not even be about you for one, or you know, I’m saying whatever the case might be, but you have to listen to understand what’s going on. And what I had to understand is that a lot of people paying is not really paying, they have flipped it on you, it already has nothing to do with you at all, it just a lot of just, I want to put it like this. A lady might bump you in a grocery store, and you might blow up at her, right? That frustration wasn’t really for her. But she was the one that kind of shut the bottle to make you explode. Everything else, they had nothing to do with her. But it would just that moment, they just trigger that emotion. Like, that was the last little thing that just helped you like just release and just blow up at her. And she looking like whoa, this lady hate people. But it’s not that it’s just that you’ve been bottling, so much pain from your past, and situations in your present time. And you’re trying to just keep this bad day or keep this capsule as hard as possible. But this lady, this bumped you just a little bit with her basket. And now you just like, because that was like just everything right? So I had to understand that a lot of stuff that people throw at you is not really meant for you in the first place. It just at that moment, you just trigger a nerve, you just trigger some type of circuit emotional circuit that they you know, we all have, and I’m just that person that they see at that moment. But a lot of pain is not for you. So I had to learn that. And I do accept that. Because sometimes some people don’t understand that I like but okay, that’s not meant for me. I know that you had a lot of stuff going on. And that’s stuff that you have to grieve about and learn how to like, kind of like, fix that yourself. So I know that’s not meant for me. So I can’t take that. You know, I’m saying and be like, Oh, that was for me. And now I’m doing the same to you because it never stops. If that keeps happening. You’re not fixing anything, you’re not fixing the problem. You’re not coming up with a solution and you’re not fixing ourselves. So it’s just toxic. You know, I’m saying like energy all day long. But the reality is, you didn’t cause the pain that I have. Anyway, you know, I’m saying like, so I had to learn it. I had to learn it. So she’s getting better with self expression or so too. And I am too in a way so yeah, listening is key.
Victoria Volk 15:00
Well, it sounds like you’re listening to hear not listening to respond. And that is the difference, right? It’s called active listening. Yeah. And it brings me back to what I talk about because you speak in my language with the tea kettle, the analogy we use in Grief Recovery is you know, the tea kettle, we either implode or explode. Remember that
Quandell Wright 15:20
Exactly, exactly what you’re describing, as Yeah, remember that? Yeah, it’s true. It’s true. grieving and like grieving is easier said than done. Honestly, and I’m listening to, to not respond. is easier said than done. That is a very hard task for someone to sit there and let someone just express how they feel about nobody likes to hear like the raw feelings about their selves, because you already think want you already think stuff about yourself anyway, I don’t care who you are, you already have some self. Some self thoughts about you, like, Oh, I feel this way. And I’m overweight and stuff like so somebody’s telling you like, yeah, I have a problem that you’ve been overweight, you’re gonna get upset, like what I am trying, I am walking like you’re not let them you know, you’re not you’re defensive. Now, you know, in this lesson, because the next sentence may be like, No, you’re overweight. But I do see you trying, you will never hear that part. Because you already just jumped the gun because you hurt. I don’t like how you’re overweight. And you’re like, hey, look, I’ve been trying, I’ve been walking, you see me getting up, you see, whoop. And this person, like, I don’t even want to talk anymore, because you can’t even let me talk. And I was the whole. No, I was not you picking not? You know, now you like, Well, when I was trying to talk, you know, and it never stops. But you don’t know that that next sentence possibly was agreeing with you like, No, I don’t like how you’re, you know, you overweight a little bit. But I do see you trying. And I love that. And I have a few solutions, but we never get to the good part, because we hear the bad part. And we blow up and begin ffensive. So listening, and not responding is very good. It does. Yeah, it’s very good. Um, I’m not perfect, but it’s good.
Victoria Volk 17:09
It’s almost like when you have purchases that are sitting in your cart, or you know, shopping is one of the STERBS, right, the short term energy relieving behaviors. And so the recommendation, I’ve heard this not that long ago, wait five days, just wait five days, have it in your cart, and just wait five days. And after five days, if you still think you can’t live without it, at least you’ve let five days pass and you’ve sat with it, right? It’s almost like maybe wait five hours before you respond after someone shares something with you. And it’s okay to say, Hey, I just need to walk away. And I need to think about this. And I don’t want to say something that I will regret later, I want to really give a thoughtful response. And so, you know, can we put a pin in this conversation and come back to it when I’m not emotional? Right? Right. That’s part of emotional regulation is knowing when we’ve met our, our capacity to, to articulate ourselves clearly and to also hear clearly as well to write. Alright, let me ask you this, what is something that you would tell somebody who may be you two years ago? And are listening to you today? Like what do you think has been, maybe it’s been multiple things, what has helped you the most to, like, maintain, and to keep on this track of growth and development and
Quandell Wright 18:40
I’m brief, brief, I had to like sit down one day, like in a quiet space, and just breathe and look at the reality of a lot of things like life is really what we make it, a lot of the situations that we are in, is because of decisions that we made. And if you make important decisions, you get poor results. So I had to sit back and just look like okay, I’m behind on bills, because because of me because I actually pay for something else and thought I was able to come back and pay for that. But I should have just paid my bill first, I will never shut off simple decisions like that will fix a lot of stuff in our lives. Like okay, this bill come in, I’m gonna take care of that right now. I’m gonna just get it out of the way. So whatever else that I want. I could get that whenever I want. But take care of this bill first, I can’t afford anything to get shot off. You know, so I feel like we cause a lot of disrupt like disruption in our lives with our decision making, just breathe and just kind of just look at life from a different perspective. You know, I’m saying is really is really easier than we think it is. Life is really easier than we think it is. It’s really based off what we do and how we handle situations. I mean, like, I mean things happen, because that’s the life that just one happens. But I think we have a little bit more control than anybody say that we do. I really believe that like, if I go outside and throw rocks at cars, I’m going to jail like it’s, you know, like, I can’t like that was an important decision. But if I go outside and help somebody that was in a car accident or something like that, I mean, a good word might come out of it there or later on in life, or just, it might not never come, but you did a good deed, you made a good decision. And good things happen when you do good things. And bad things happen when you do bad things. I’m all about energy and frequency as well. I feel like if you, you have a chance to change, you know, a guy that robbed like 17 banks, he probably would have got away at a 16 bank robbery if he really stopped, but he didn’t. So he got arrested on the 17th one, and he like, ah, oh, my God, I shouldn’t. But I mean, you know, like your frequency have to change. If you if your fingers see the same, you want to get the same results, you want to get the outcome that you’re not going to like or you can’t handle. So people have time to change, you do have time to change your frequency is a lot of people in the world as walking around that we can only imagine what they’ve done in a life, they probably don’t know worst of the worst that we could ever imagine. Right? But they frequency change. And they live in life. Now they knew when to stop. And I know like when I say this to certain people they by Well, I mean eventually karma. And I’m like, Well, I believe the universe is neutral. And I do believe a karma and as such, but if you’re Frank or sea change, you won’t have to worry about that type of karma in a sense. So yeah, it only the bad results only happens if you keep going. You know, I’m saying so if you always depressed, that’s what I’ll say I don’t. I said I’m depressed. I stopped saying that a long time. I’d be like, Look, I’m fine. I’m going to be okay. I’m okay. This would be the storm will pass. Because of you the subconscious mind. I know the difference. So if you I’m depressed, I’m upset. I’m sad. You’re building that space for yourself. And that’s how you’re going to feel you’re going to be more low every day, low vibrations every day. But even through bad situations, I’d be like, I’m fine. I figured out not dying. You know, I’m gonna be okay. If it don’t work out the way that I think it should. It’s okay, how do they want to come I can’t the whale and live in that space at this moment. It’d be Oh,
Victoria Volk 22:43
I remember when we first talked you kind of you were just dabbling in talk started, you know, or you’re just kind of dabbling into metal you were dabbling into meditation. And you’re you were thinking more along those lines of frequency and energy. And, and I at that time, I was I had just, I was a Reiki Master. But I’ve since added biofield tuning, which uses tuning forks and addresses our energy field that’s outside our body and I’ve added stuff to my energy healing work too. And, and so when you speak to that stuff, I get really excited because
Quandell Wright 23:17
Because it’s real. Yeah. It’s real is real for anybody that’s listening, please. I know. Dr. Joe Dispenza. Dispenza Yep. The guy’s top tier. The becoming supernatural was like my favorite book. It’s very deep, get chills reading it, real testimonies. And he showed his show you how to channel your energy and chuck is just so deep he is. He is a great guy. I would love to go one of his his workshops. I’m trying to get the money because it’s expensive, but it’s very, very worth it. I really want to go but I mean, the guy’s amazing. Just kind of follow him on Instagram and seeing the work that he put in he he’s definitely like a great, a great person, I can tell that but please anybody that’s like really interested in becoming more spiritual. Please check him out. Dr. Joe Dispenza is a great great, a great author, great doctor, like he’s, he’s phenomenal. Like, I recommend that book to anybody that’s going through and you don’t even have to be a spiritual, you know, Christian or whatever. Religion is still a great read because we all have to, we all have energy, we all have aura, so is very great. It’s not about religion, or anything like that. It’s really about self. So it’s really a great book is really a great read.
Victoria Volk 24:38
And for anyone who doesn’t know Dr. Joe Dispenza was actually told he would never walk again after he broke his back during a bicycling accident. And with the power of his own mind and his own thoughts, he helped to heal himself. Yeah. And so that’s what his work is based on. He’s actually doing a lot of research at his During his workshops, is week long workshops, he’s conducting research on meditation and how long to meditate and, you know, like, they’re doing research right now during their workshops. And so
Quandell Wright 25:14
Just check into that. Make sure
Victoria Volk 25:20
I saw you was going to be in Tulum, Mexico, I actually just got his workshop notification for Tulum, Mexico, but you’ll get there. I’ve no doubt you’ll get there. Put that forward.
Quandell Wright 25:31
Yeah, we definitely have to go. I think that’s, that’d be a great experiment is well, like, I love his book, I listened to the YouTube minute, you know, the meditations that he had the guidance, great guy, great guy. But yeah, we all make a human. If we tap in, we can heal ourselves. We can. The testimonies in that book are phenomenal. I mean, people heal on a cell from cancer, I mean, Zima, like, whatever, they really just happening with their inner self, their higher self, and really like figuring out the body, the body already held us up automatically, when we really, really tap into it, you can really get some stuff done. Ms. V is right, he did heal his self, he discharges. So from the hospital, he hid this stuff at home. So he’s amazing.
Victoria Volk 26:19
Speaking of good deeds, which you mentioned earlier, I’m curious myself, but at the time when we first started talking, you are inviting young men into your home. Yeah, almost a weekly basis just for moms, giving them a space that you could create community and have a safe space for them to talk about their feelings. Yeah, and all of that, or is that something you have come back to? Are you still doing that? Is it something you want to do? Again?
Quandell Wright 26:50
Yeah, yeah, I want to do it. Again, I’m trying to make it a nonprofit organization. And it’s actually called us, us men. So it’s on Instagram is us_mensociety. I don’t have a lot of push right now. Because my brand is like going crazy. But I am trying to, like, get back into that. And that was a really, really dope experience. Like, it wasn’t really like, I didn’t have it to where it was like a, like AAA meetings or anything like that, you know, we had the TV go on video games at FIU. It was just no phones, some beers. And we thought it would just regular conversation. And people share stories, you know, and I always say, like, you don’t have to share the deepest, we’re not here for that. We just really want people to feel like this is a safe space, even if you don’t say none that all along because you know, it feel like real good energy around you. And it’s people that you can talk to whenever you want to, you know, that’s more than enough. And people really, like it’s a lot of men out here that have to heal, like we don’t know where to go, there’s no know where to start. So I want to start it back up, for sure. I will love like, I would love to like rent out spaces or to have a bigger, you know, bigger space and have more men come and we could just converse and just talk about our feelings and testimonies or whatever the case might be for that, you know, so yeah, please call us man, I will be like, selling T shirts and all that, you know, selling to raise money. So we can so I can be able to have resources and brain resources to them as well. Because I know it’s not a lot of programs for men out here, or mental health, for that matter for anybody. Because everybody think medicine fix everything is not, you know, medicine don’t fix everything. It’s just a band aid. But we really need some like internal healing, you know, and sometimes it might just take a hug or like, No, I do care for you. You are enough. You know, you want to be okay, I’m here for you. That can be the cure. Some people have people out here who don’t care about the more they feel that way. But they need to hear that sometimes. And you don’t take the time to actually do that with people. So yeah, I just thought about all types are like great ideas like that for mental health for men and for everybody, for that matter. But um, yeah, I feel like a lot of men black and white man, he actually has, we have I believe you have the highest suicide rate right now as well. So, yeah, a lot of man feel feel alone, you know, because there’s so much teittleman in, like, man supposed to do this. And man, you know, we get that a lot, a lot a lot. And it’s like, Yo, I’m human, I just want to just be human for a day. You know, like, you know, like, what’s going on? Like, why we just watch us all the time. Like, can I just be I’d be pampered for once can I be a human today? Can I you know, I’m sad because I have feelings too. I do love I do care. You know, and I want people to do that for me, like love me and care for me as well. So, you know, to the men out there like there are a safe space. There are people that you can contact and talk to all the time and you’re not forgotten. You’re not You’re not overlooked. You know, it’s just society. Just got things twisted up, we’re gonna fix that we’re gonna figure it out.
Victoria Volk 30:04
And for anyone listening, men, white, black, whatever ethnicity you are. Q is obviously a wonderful inspiration. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you for sharing about that in the work that you are hoping to do and hope to bring to your community. And yeah, just I love you. I love you. I love you.
Quandell Wright 30:27
I love you too. Happy. Yeah.
Victoria Volk 30:30
So looking forward to this conversation with you. Let me ask you this. And I’m biased, of course, because I’m love Grief Recovery. And I know that how it’s changed many people’s lives. But had you never done that? Have you ever thought about that, like, in the last two years? Like had you never experienced that or learned what you learned through that? The new tools and the new knowledge? Yeah. Have you ever reflected on that? Like, had you not had that experience?
Quandell Wright 31:00
Of course, of course. Um, yeah, it was definitely a huge impact for like, for where I’m at now. And I tell people about you all the time, you know, so I don’t know. Because so I thought I thought I was better, Dan, you know, because I come from a dark place before that time. And I’m like, I’m back here again. You know, it’s something I’m missing. But I just had to just, I had to realize, like, his life is life, like, you don’t matter, like how better we get life happens. And whatever that is, it just, it just happens. It just, I don’t know, a person that just went through life and nothing happened, like negative like, you know, it just doesn’t work that way. But the tools that you had gave me, it quit, you know, helped me quit was, is I still use to this day, like, because it’s true. And it’s real and been able to like, look at different light, just like Dr. Joe, you know, just been able to research and find people like him. And it’s another guy. He’s an artist, his name is line jurrell. He’s an artist. He’s like, so positive rap artists. And he’s very, very, very good. I’m gonna share some stuff with you. He have like, meditation, a playlist, like a meditation, like pay playlists, like from it’s a meditation for each for each chakra.
Victoria Volk 32:18
Chakra okay, yeah, I would love that.
Quandell Wright 32:21
And his music is beautiful. And I’m like, see, this is the music that needs to be on the radio positive energy, this is the music that need to be in your subconscious mind on a daily basis. So, you know, so without, without you definitely I would have it would have been worse for me for sure. And I really do appreciate you all, you know, for giving me your time and really taking the time to listen and really did a great assessment, you know, because anybody can just hear you. But everybody don’t listen to you. And that’s just that’s a difference. And you really didn’t listen to me. Give me a lot of tools. I still kind of journal to this day here and there. And that works. You know it do it works. Rip it up. Boom. You know, I know I was listening to Oh, Lon jurrell He was like, everything that’s making you feel upset or angry the press just think of it, like a balloon or a glass cup and just break it like release it mentally, like release it and you have to and we get some points. I still go through things I still get upset. I still you’re supposed to you’re human. That’s I know that I’m still alive. Like if you’re walking around here, like do I’m happy every day like nothing happened. Like no, no, it’s okay to be upset. It’s okay to be mad. It’s okay to cry. It’s okay to be. It’s okay. But don’t live there. Don’t live there. Brief. If you could come up with a solution. Try it’s okay to try to make turn things in try to see like, Okay, let me see if I can control the ball. We all try this. Try it. But the ball is this if it’s this, if it’s just too strong and it’s just a you know that you lose it. It’s okay. More bulls account for you to control more. It’s okay. Just let that one go. It’s alright, you fail that one. You got beat up cool. You didn’t die. So you got another chance we could figure it out. It might take weeks but we have figured it out. So I appreciate you a lot. I do. And I do tell people about you all the time. So this is this is great. And I’m I be able to share this and people are like oh, that’s what he was talking about. My yes follower. Your program. You know, I’m saying like sign up for programs and stuff like that because you are a very, very important person to the community. You know, to the cultures, different cultures and things like that. And people need to hear this because Grief Recovery that’s not been talked about a lot still to this day. People might try to get you to do your We’ll go meditation and that’s fine. But how do you agree? How do you agree? You know, and they don’t know how they don’t know. Some people I don’t, I don’t care too, I’ll just move on, like you came. That’s just pain that just another, it’s like, it’s like another arrow in your back. You just, you’re gonna carry that around like Nah, man, just take that arrow out and just gotta fix it. You gotta grieve, you gotta let go. So thank you for that for them tubes and everything for it. And helping my kids. Yeah, helping my kids and my teenagers. I let them express themselves, and I’ll be honest, I’m like, hey, look, if you got to cuss a little bit, don’t get crazy. But express yourself because I want them to know, like, I’m your parent. And I’m your friend to because you can be both, you know, just know your boundaries. But I want you to tell me how you feel. I want to hear everything. You know, I’m saying I want to understand you I want to know how I can help you. So I do, you know, say I do allow that to let them express I do let them you know do things like that. And that helps. It helps. Yeah, they write their own notes and stuff like that. And I got the little one she listened to affirmation for kids on YouTube every morning. Yeah, she just she so she the happy person. She don’t She’s sick. So she I love myself. I only know I only love me. I love Oh, oh, okay, your love. Okay, you take any real deep Yes, you know I only love but does she know her were so that’s that’s good. And I love when she do that. And even when we walk to school as you I love myself I’m brave and beautiful and smart. And just telling my kids that you are you are in control of your day. So when you get up you structure your day because the moment you don’t do that and you walk out this door and somebody say something to you now your structure is all over the place. You’re not who you need to be that day. No, you get up and looking at mirror like hey, look, you don’t want I love you You look good. You look handsome. You look beautiful. You cute you file again, this is I’m gonna one I’m gonna be this I’m not a you don’t think when you leave the door you are you like this and anything that’s negative that’s trying to break through that barrier, it’s gonna be hard to because you already solidify your your worth, you know who you are. So anybody say something negative. Okay, cool. You think that I know who I am. I’m good. Just don’t touch me. But we good you know his hand like, have a great day understand you. Because we don’t have to battle with everybody. Some people and I ain’t worth it. They don’t even understand their worth. They don’t know what’s going on all they didn’t structure their day, they upset they energy everywhere. Let them be that get away from the situation and still carry on with your day because people are going to think what they want. People want to say what they want. But as long as you know who you are and what your purpose is, and you walk in that purpose. You will be just fine no matter what. And I’ll tell people as I said, I just want to be happy no matter what and people say that but you have to understand this when you say I want to be happy no matter what that means you have to be happy during divorce, separation, losing someone somebody firing you if the kids is you know, especially for moms and stuff like kids you know, no home and audit things get crazy bills, you have to be careful what you ask for because things happen. Keep your structure keep your energy is one to be okay. You will figure it out and some things are meant to happen let it happen. The unknown is not as scary as you think. You know, we learn in it because we so we so comfortable with okay, everything this is nice and soon as some get dark and we’re gonna hold on I don’t like change. Things are changing. I don’t like that. I don’t like how we don’t like that, you know? But it’s okay. It’s okay. So thank you for for teaching me that. And thank you, you know for like sticking it out with me and still being accessible today. I just been like crazy busy. And I definitely still want to send you a handbag. But you’re on my list. Yeah, yeah. But I just been crazy busy. I’m just everywhere. I’ve been like California back and you know, I’m just like this. But yeah, yeah, I do appreciate you a lot.
Victoria Volk 39:18
And I love hearing the ripples of that work that you did. It’s an it continues and that to us? Yeah, just like there’s ripples in grief. There’s ripples and healing, too. So thanks. Thank you for sharing.
Quandell Wright 39:33
Yeah, we human. It’s okay.
Victoria Volk 39:34
I could seriously be your future TED talk.
Quandell Wright 39:38
I know. Right.
Victoria Volk 39:40
Thank you for that riff. I absolutely love it. Yeah,
Quandell Wright 39:43
Yeah. You definitely belong on TED talk. I can’t wait.
Victoria Volk 39:46
Tell you. That whole that whole riff you just did. Yeah,
Quandell Wright 39:50
I’m actually done. I’m actually doing I had a I had a meeting with the Detroit Pistons so I am doing a charity basketball game July. We live from two to 5:30pm at the Detroit Pistons practice facility, that’s somewhere like MIG tau, I would love to see you every station, if you would like to come, I can send you like a pass or something like that. I’m, I’m doing like a panel, I’m doing a panel from like three to four. And then we joined the basketball game. So I want to race. This is actually though this might actually work out. So I’ve been looking for someone that practices like that, you know, that’s in the mental health field that actually put in the work to actually help people. So my minimum, I’m trying to donate $500 to that organization, and $500 or organization for, for stop for stop the violence type of you know, program. So I do have that. I do love what you are doing. Um, so if we can somehow like donate that money to you. So you can carry on with what you’re doing? I would love to do that. So
Victoria Volk 41:04
You could actually sponsor someone for a Grief Recovery Program?
Quandell Wright 41:09
Yeah, that would be cool. That’d be cool. But I would love to donate that money to you. So you can continue your practice in what you’re doing. Because you’re like, so, so helpful. And we were sitting here and I’m like, I don’t know anyone would and how I was thinking about it. I’m like, Who is? Where are the nonprofit organization like mental health by organizations, I couldn’t think of none. And I was just like, You know what, we have figured it out. So I’m talking to you. And it’s exactly what you do, like you actually put in the work, you actually help people. So if we can raise the $500, I would love to give that check to you. And you can use that money to get books, or just maybe that might pay for somebody section, or whatever the case might be. I would love to donate to you. So we do we got a pitch deck, I think it should be completed today. You can send me your logo, we can put it in a pitch deck and your information. Let me see information like your company, when it started, what you do, we put into a pitch deck. And if you have like a paper or whatever it might be, we could put that in there too. So people could donate throughout the last the next couple of months. You know when we send the pitch deck out, and we will send you the pitch deck today. So you can send out to share it. Yeah, you can share it, and people could donate to you or whatever. And then we raised the money. Hopefully we do. But we raised the money. And we can give you you know, we can give me a check to you on top of whatever you got for your donations. We don’t have nothing to do with that. But I would just love to help you out with your journey as well. Because you helped me out a lot. So yeah, that’ll work. Yeah, so July 11. If you can’t come, it’d be great.
Victoria Volk 42:57
It would be amazing.
Quandell Wright 42:59
It’d be beautiful for you to come. I sent you two passes. Have you wanted to kids or someone? I would love to come and check it out. Have a great time. You definitely can. And we can show you around Detroit, you kind of get you know, yeah. Yeah. Beautiful downtown is beautiful. Like Dan Gilbert, just, he just reinvented everything. He just took over everything and made it beautiful. So
Victoria Volk 43:20
For me, it’s nice.
Quandell Wright 43:23
It’s nice. So yeah, definitely keep in touch. And I do have assistant and she is like very, very great. Because I respond very late because I got 1000 People call me inbox me and they want stuff so but I do have a great assistant. So I’ll definitely give you her information and you if whatever link that you have like your pay pal, if you GoFundMe, whatever link you want to create the center with a bio we want to start promoting on Instagram so people could donate to you and your work and we still want to you know, write you a check on top of whatever you earn so they can help you out. So it was well.
Victoria Volk 44:00
You’re amazing. And all the way.
Quandell Wright 44:02
You’re amazing. You’re amazing. Yeah,
Victoria Volk 44:06
I’m so glad we reconnected again and that you are my first Where are they now episode and I saw something in you back in October 2020 I saw something in you and I was spot on. I was spying on you. So thank you. That’s awesome to see you thrive. So thank you for sharing your time with me today. Is there anything else you would like to share?
Quandell Wright 44:29
Just be you be us everybody that’s listening is willing to be watching us be you love you care for you. You know learn you learn who you are walking your purpose and brief and it’s going to be okay. It’s going to be okay, so we’re going to be fine. Yeah, we’re gonna be fine. So
Victoria Volk 44:49
Beautiful. Message. Thank you so much. Thank you. I will put all the links to how people can reach out to you how you prefer they reach out to you Okay, in the shownotes and where can people find you now? Social media and stuff?
Quandell Wright 45:05
Oh, yeah that’s the ground. The QX William Palmer. Facebook Quandell H Wright For Name, Email. That’s as long but it’s cute right at yeah [email protected]. So people can email me there find me on Facebook Quandell H Wright, W R I G H T or Instagram to QX William Palmer. So, I do look at my DMs I do take a day and be like, Okay, let me see what’s going on. So I do it. I do respond to people and people get very, very excited. And I’d be like, okay, hold on. I’m just a regular person. But they but you responded to me. Oh my god. So it’s, it’s nice. I love that though. I really do. I love making people really, really happy. And that’s really cool. I love it. The sweet.
Victoria Volk 45:54
Humble Q. Yeah, Humble Q. I love it. So I will put the links for all that in the show notes. And in the meantime, remember, when you unleash your heart, you unleash your life. Much love.
Grieving Voices Guest, Grieving Voices Podcast, Mental Health, Podcast, Resources, Suicide |
Bill Gross | Farm Rescue: Planting Seeds of Hope
SHOW NOTES SUMMARY:
Bill Gross, the founder of the non-profit Farm Rescue, has been traveling the world with his career as a UPS pilot for the past 30 years. However, his heart never left or forgot the farm he called home in ND.
He knew he wanted to give back to ND farmers once he retired; however, a chance conversation prompted him to ask himself: “Why wait?”
We don’t know what our future has in store for us. Why put off for tomorrow what you can do today? Thoughts like these prompted Bill to not wait for Farm Rescue’s creation.
Established in 2005, Farm Rescue is now in eight states in the midwest and will serve their 1,000th family this year. Whether a farm family experiences a medical crisis, natural disaster, mental health challenge, or death of a loved one, Farm Rescue can help.
Giving back fills Bill’s heart with so much joy. Through Farm Rescue, Bill can also live out the family values passed down to him.
Learn about Farm Rescue, the hope the organization plants in the hearts of many, and more about the man behind it all in this episode.
RESOURCES:
CONTACT:
_______
NEED HELP?
- National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 1-800-273-8255
- Crisis Text Line provides free, 24/7 support via text message. Text HOME to 741741 to connect with a trained Crisis Counselor
If you are struggling with grief due to any of the 40+ losses, free resources are available HERE.
Are you enjoying the podcast? Check out my bi-weekly newsletter, The Unleashed Letters.
CONNECT WITH VICTORIA:
Victoria Volk 0:57
This episode is sponsored by Do Grief Differently™️. My 12 week in person or online program that helps Grievers who have suffered any type of loss to feel better, and do grief differently. You learn new tools, education, and a method you can utilize the rest of your life. In this program and with my guidance, you remove the pain of grief. The sadness will always be there because even in complicated relationships we love but it’s the pain of grief that keeps us stuck. Are you ready to do grief differently? Check out my website www.theunleashedheart.com to learn more.
Victoria Volk 1:37
Thank you for tuning in to grieving voices. today. My guest is Bill Gross. He is a North Dakota native who spent his childhood surrounded by agriculture. Like many farm kids before him Bill realized at a young age it would not be possible to continue his family’s farming legacy due to financial constraints. His parents encouraged him to seek higher education in pursuit of a better life. So Bill went on to attend the University of North Dakota to secure an undergraduate degree in BBA and was later awarded an honorary doctorate degree from human letters. During his time at UND he also secured several pilot ratings and an airline transport pilot certificate. This career path sent him to places around the globe. The Bill’s heart never left the farming and ranching community in which he was raised, which is what brings Bill to my podcast to talk to you today about his organization that he started called farm rescue. Thank you so much for being here today. Well, thank you, Victoria, for having me on. So let’s take it from there. From when you left the farming community, and pursuing your degree and, and, and all of that, and what, what brings you to the podcast today?
Bill Gross 2:54
Well, yes, I did leave the farming community, my heart never left it. My parents were not in a position to help any of us children get started in farming. And so they encouraged us to seek higher education, which all of us five children did. And as a fourth generation farm now, and we went on on our career paths and myself as an airline pilot, for UPS Airlines now for 30 years flying around the world. I’m speaking to you today from Cologne, Germany. And
Bill Gross 3:34
you know that I I always believed in helping people that you should help others in need and went on mission trips over the years through the church to Croatia, Romania and such, but I thought there’s people right, in the United States that need help also. So you know, I had that that thought in my mind all the time, but I didn’t know how I could help in the United States and flying with the CO pilots on long flights, oftentimes 1214 hours out over the Pacific Ocean, they would say what are you going to do when you retire? And that’s I was still in my 30s but I would say that I’m going to be this random Good Samaritan get a large John Deere tractor and then help farm families in my native state of North Dakota. And they actually chuckled at that they thought that was kind of a crazy idea actually. And I said you know, it’s not so crazy i I envisioned myself showing up at six in the morning and telling the farmer that you put fuel and seed in the tractor and planter and I’ll plant a few 100 acres and and I’ll move on and people say there’s this good samaritan going around just planting crops free of charge and, and I told a friend of mine years later, even after I had this idea, I hadn’t started it yet.
Bill Gross 4:46
That that I was going to do it when I retired Chaplain friend and him looking at things in a very Christian sense. He says, why wait until you retire? Bill, you don’t know what tomorrow will bring? And, and he says, Furthermore, instead of being this random Good Samaritan, he says, Isn’t farming and ranching very dangerous occupation? I said, it certainly is. It’s one of the most dangerous occupations. And he said, you know, you should, you should have a screening process, you know, to help those that maybe have an injury or illness or such and, and then, you know, furthermore, he encouraged me, he said, You should start a nonprofit, he said, instead of you doing it yourself, you should provide an avenue for other people to join in on your dream on your mission to help farm and ranch families. And so, after I left dinner with him and his wife and driving home, just about a 30 minute drive, it all came together to me, I thought, yeah, this, this is it, I’m going to start farm rescue now as a single man at the time, I can do this. And there’ll be other people that are like minded that grew up on a farm or their ancestors were farmers or ranchers, but they never stayed, but yet, they still have a love for it. And and I thought, you know, how would we get those who’d be the volunteers, right, that people would come back, some would be retired farmers, some would be younger people that just didn’t stay on the farm. And, and also that, you know, where would we get funding for it to support a mission like this, and I felt that surely there were businesses and individuals and foundations that they would like to see family farms, you know, continue, and agribusiness is a big business, one of the largest businesses in the United States, that it would be
Bill Gross 8:08
And sponsors and donors that support our mission. And again, I’d like to clarify that we don’t give money out to farm families. This is not a handout, or such as we call it a handout. It’s for a farm family that’s had a major injury, illness or natural disaster. And they just can’t get the work done themselves through no fault of their own. They just had a crisis happen. And so we come in, it’s like a big mobile farming operation and plant hay harvest or even provide livestock feeding assistance until they can get back on their feet. And so we’ve will be helping our 1000s case soon. And and thanks to all the good hearted donors and business sponsors and volunteers and media and and people like yourself, Victoria that help us raise awareness of our mission at Farm rescue so we can help more farm and ranch families and in small towns across America.
Victoria Volk 9:10
Do you list the states that you assist on your website? So
Bill Gross 9:15
we assist in North Dakota, South Dakota, Minnesota, Montana, Nebraska, Kansas, Iowa and Illinois.
Victoria Volk 9:24
That’s amazing. Yeah, spot right.
Bill Gross 9:28
That’s right. It’s amazing what you can accomplish with a lot of like minded people and a altruistic compassionate mission to help others in a time of need.
Victoria Volk 9:41
How has this changed you this experience this house farm rescue changed you?
Bill Gross 9:48
Well, you know I had a heart for do have a heart for farming and ranching Of course, like I mentioned, but you know when you’re growing up like maybe in any one of us Yes Are parents just living in the farming community encouraged us to help other people and I saw my own parents help other neighbors also, but, you know, that’s not as prevalent nowadays, just because the farms are larger, and there’s not as many children on the farm and, and there just isn’t the resources available to, to help as many people. So that’s where farm rescue comes in. But what I want to say is that as you grow up, I think anyone is a teenager or, or such, you got to focus on your own accomplishments, or you have goals in your own life and, and you get, you get focused on where you are going.
Bill Gross 10:42
And some people learn this sooner than other people. Some people go through their whole life that way, but but it made me realize that there is so much more than your own goals and accomplishments in life. Yes, you need to be a productive citizen. But there’s a lot of people that you need to help along the way. And when I say along the way, I don’t mean that you say that someday, when I get to this career level, or when I have this much money, then I’m going to help people know, you know, make it a lifestyle that you help people all along the way. When you’re a teenager, when you’re in college, when you’re an adult, even if things aren’t so good for yourself, you know, it all comes around for good. And that’s what how it has really changed me the rewards I’ve gotten in starting farm rescue, and I still am the chairman of the board, guiding farm rescue forward leading it that the rewards have gotten from that are 100 fold from any any reward I would have gotten from just focusing on my own life. Right. It’s, it’s truly amazing. So I would encourage people if they if they want to help, don’t wait till Sunday, and you don’t know where that path will lead you in helping other people. And the rewards will surprise you.
Bill Gross 12:19
You know, just the gratification in knowing that you’re doing something good in life. And and the difference you’re making in other people’s lives is has has a multiplier effect.
Victoria Volk 12:31
I firmly believe that one way that we can help people to understand even like depression, like depression, right? Way out of depression is by helping people. It makes you feel good. Like it brings about feel feel good feelings, right? When you’re being of service, you’re helping someone else. So even if it’s just opening the door, and I think we can just small acts of service. It doesn’t have to be starting a nonprofit, we can do it in smallest of ways that if you’re struggling, I can help you to feel better just by helping someone else feel better.
Bill Gross 13:13
That’s correct. You know, when you take the focus off of yourself and focus on others, it’ll lift both of you up is just what you’re saying Victoria? And then again, people that you know beyond that the person you’re helping you know, that will help the people they know also.
Victoria Volk 13:32
Did your parents get to see this come to fruition?
Bill Gross 13:37
No My parents never did. My dad died in 2000. I started it in 2005. My mother passed away in May of 2005. She never did.
Bill Gross 13:51
She never did see any farm rescue cases are such during their time on this on this earth. Did she know about it though? Because he had started it in 2005. But you know, yeah, you know, I, I may have mentioned it to her as you know, she was in very poor medical health and in a hospital on such and such in the last days of her life. They don’t know if, you know, she fully comprehended was what what I had started so
Victoria Volk 14:25
I’m sure they’re very proud of you. They were very proud of you.
Bill Gross 14:29
That’s good.
Victoria Volk 14:30
Can we talk about that, that maybe the grief that comes about of you know, the family farm, dissipating and not continuing on and how many people many farm families find themselves in that situation? And it’s that intangible grief that, you know, can continue through the generation right because you as a child of your parents who had the family farm, I imagine that you kind of carry some of that and and this is Is your way to come back to the farm and in a sense, so can you speak to that a little bit and maybe what you’ve seen in your, the farm rescue experience of helping farmers?
Bill Gross 15:11
Well, Victoria, that’s that’s a very valid point. And that is true. I can speak upon my own family and some of the families that we have helped at Farm rescue, I’ll start with my own family. And that, yes, there was five of us, children, I was the youngest. And due to financial constraints, none of us were able to start farming, like I mentioned, the folks were not able to help us, they just didn’t have the financial resources to do such. And, you know, this family farm on my folks, and now that myself and my brother on is a multi generational farm. And I think what I’m saying here holds true for a lot of farm families that they would like to see their children continue on their legacy, like I said, in a multi generational farm, but yet, they know that maybe they can’t financially, or it’s going to be a great struggle for the children. And they encourage them to go on to seek other careers, or in my case, higher education. And I would encourage anyone to always seek higher education, it just gives you more opportunities. So my parents encouraged that. But of course, they always said, you can always come back, you know, as you can always come back the children, any one of you are welcome to come back and farm if the farm is still here, because of financial challenges. And, you know, at that time, none of the children of us children came back and farmed. I, I bought a little bit of land, and so did my brother from, from my parents. And I remember when a neighbor would stop by, and they, my dad, there was such pride in his voice, even though he was in his 70s. He’d say, Billy, they used to call me, Billy, Billy bought this quarter of land over here. That’s all he’d say, you know. So I think it was his glimmer of hope that maybe I would come back and farm, that there was a connection still to the farm and carry on his legacy. But my dad passed away in my mom, without any of us children truly coming back, and, you know, farming farming the land as a whole. And I won’t say it disturbed my dad or parents, but it gave them grief. I mean, I think there’s a form of grief, what I’m trying to say. And in all farm families, when they don’t see their legacy go on, they maybe took over the farm from, from their parents, and, and then they worked hard and raised a family. And then now they see it so often, the children go on to another career, and they’re not able to continue that legacy. And that can only think going through my father and mother’s mind or and along with these, any farm family that maybe they failed somehow maybe had they done things differently, they would have had different, you know, financial resources to help the children or maybe they they didn’t foster the, the farming legacy not for such or, or maybe they were too hard on their children. They didn’t want to, you know, work hard, you know, as that hard going on, you know, I’m sure there’s all kinds of thoughts that go through a farm or ranch family and, and there is a grief, I’m 100% positive, especially my dad had grief in feeling like it was his doing that the family farm legacy of the multi generational farm wasn’t going, going to continue.
Bill Gross 19:00
And you I see that in cases we help that farm rescue also they don’t say it, but I can see it in between the lines. So it really is just the mom and pop whose whose whose they’re trying to make a go of it.
Bill Gross 19:43
Yes, you may have your spouse and such but you’re you’re alone there. That’s the nature of their work, right. They’re prideful, independent people. God bless them a lot. A lot of farmers and ranchers I mean people wouldn’t want to do that type of work. Most people in the united states out there in the in the In the elements in the cold weather and, and all that work day and night, but God bless them, but it is a work a lot of times in solitude, and then with financial challenges and such, maybe they took on a lot of debt over the years, and now they’re, they’re struggling to pay that it can become overwhelming is what I’m saying. And we see that and we have helped in, in mental health cases at Farm rescue also, it just becomes overwhelming. And we have seen suicides, of course, and that’s a upward trend among in the farming community. And what I’m saying is, it quickly can overwhelm a person, this grief, of being alone, your children are gone, that you’ve, you know, maybe think you’re you’ve failed this, and the land is going to be gone, that’s been in the farm family for generations. And, and you’re alone, and there’s there’s no way out in order. That’s, that’s how it always is right? When people take some action, be it in, in drugs or suicide or such they feel like there’s there’s not a way forward. So when farm rescue comes in, we’ve had many people tell us that it just lift the burden off of them. And they had a new look on outlook on life. And even the fact that all these volunteers came and were around them and the camaraderie and that they see a way forward has made all the difference in them not not only just getting the fiscal work done the planting or harvesting for their livelihood, but for their emotional well being also, farm rescue gives them hope. Yes, we then sometimes we plant seeds of hope.
Victoria Volk 21:42
Oh, that’s wonderful. And that should be your slogan. Yes. Because here’s the thing. It’s like when you think of the farmer, right, when when I just living in Greenville, North Dakota, right, I and I see it and my, my day job is in crop insurance, I see it, you know, they’re independent people that have a really difficult time asking for help. And I think it can be very humbling. When you see these, this army of support coming in the form of combines and tractors and the equipment and things to help them. It can be very humbling. And I think that that alone, it’s like, people do care. There is hope. I think it yes, you plant seeds of hope. I 1,000% agree with that. And, you know, to kind of circle back what you had shared earlier. You know, it’s this intangible grief, right, that you can’t, most people don’t have the language for that, to express what they’re feeling about the legacy not continuing the farm family, not continuing things like that. And we’re all whether we’re farmers or not, we can be one medical setback from homelessness. I mean, there are so many veterans that have become homeless because of mental health challenges, or physical or medical issues you had mentioned. And before we started to record that your dad was a world war two veteran, he didn’t get a college education. I have a really soft spot for veterans. And so just thinking about your dad and the toil, right, the day and night toil for him to build what he did for the family. And to not see that I imagine that like you said, there was some heartbreak in that, but also pride to every one of you went and got your degree and pursued a career. I just think we can all be fragile in that, that we aren’t guaranteed what’s going to happen tomorrow. And so whether it’s farm rescue that comes in to help us or even the neighbor, the main thing is that we have a hard time asking for help. And help is out there. Whether it is your neighbor, or whether you’re not a farmer and you just had, you’re the breadwinner of the family can’t work anymore due to cancer or whatever the case is. I think there’s a lot of organizations and support out there, nonprofits like yours. And that’s why I’m devoted this season of grieving voices to highlight these nonprofits that are doing amazing things that are bringing hope to people in times of great distress. So thank you for following that spark of an idea. And for that friend who shared his wisdom with you, because farm rescue wouldn’t be here today.
Bill Gross 24:43
That’s right. You know, and you really said it. Well, Victoria. The grief is not spoken by these farm families or a lot of people you don’t have to be a farmer. It’s you can see it in them. It’s an unspoken it’s there. It’s a deep.
Bill Gross 25:00
And it humbles them when we come in help. They’re just so grateful. They’re not the type of people to ask for help. And a lot of people are that way, of course. But I think what if you said, how this has changed me. Another way it’s changed me is it’s made me realize that we all need help through life at one time or another to one extent or another. There’s no shame in asking for help. It’s actually a good thing. I view it as a form of strength actually, that you need to know what your limitations are, when you’re down and out. And when the appropriate time is that ask for help. And I think a person that can see that actually, is displaying a form of strength. They’re not only asking for help, but they’re, they’re showing that they’re using good judgment. And, and so it’s made me a much more humble person, and compassionate person. And also that, yeah, through the grace of God, we’re just, you know, we’re, we’re, we’re one, any one of us are one step away from something devastating happening to us, it could be cancer, it could be a car accident, it could be anything, and, and the sooner you realize that life, how fragile life is, and the more you appreciate life, and and want to help other people going through a challenging time. And lastly, I’ll say, sometimes I’m asked but inspires you to keep doing farm rescue to keep keep going on. And, and I say, you know, it’s, it’s actually, all the people that come from around the United States, all the other volunteers, and all the people that I see that are so passionate about what we do and and that they’ve come forward with a good heart to help our mission. How can you not get caught up in that, and just build upon that? So yes, I mean, it’s inspiring to see other people help others, it really is and inspires yourself to do the same. And we’re going to help a lot more people at Farm rescue, and then we’re going to continue to grow farm rescue, and we’re going to do as much good as we can. As far as I’m concerned, in my lifetime, we’re going to touch as many families as we can. And you know, the families and their children and such and, and maybe we opened doors by helping that family, maybe their children can now go to higher education. And they go on to do things, you know, like I did, that they wouldn’t have been able to do before. You’ll never live to see all the dividends of your good works in your life.
Victoria Volk 27:44
You know, I always say there’s ripples of grief. But I think there’s also ripples of hope. Yes. So just as you mentioned, the children see it, too. And who knows how the impact that that has on them? Which guarantee bar none it does because when you lift that burden of the parents, you are lifting the burden of the children.
Victoria Volk 28:06
Yeah, so most of the farm families that you do help it’s generally a medical crisis of some sort. I mean, because it is one of the most dangerous occupations as you mentioned,
Bill Gross 28:18
The majority of our cases are medical you know like any one of us there’s there’s a lot of medical things that can happen to you you know, we see a lot of cancer cases both for the husband or the wife and or we even had some cancer cases in the children unfortunately have young children but we see a lot of you know, cancer and every every type of medical thing you can imagine any one of us could, could have you know, brain tumors, cancer, you know, broken legs, arms, severed limbs, car accidents, equipment, accidents, a lot a lot of medical and and injuries. Those are the of course the injuries and illnesses are by far the majority of our of our cases and then we have a small percentage that are natural disasters, right so we help out also if there’s like a drought and I think we hauled few years ago 300 Semi loads of hay into western North Dakota during a drought that to help ranchers in such a way that was donated all over the United States and then we have a fleet of semi trucks and mobilized it and and and so in, in droughts in floods, wildfires we’ve helped down in Nebraska and Kansas and and all sorts of you know, tornadoes Of course, places destroyed by tornadoes and, and such. So any kind of natural disasters is somewhere in our eight state region. There’s always a natural disaster every year it seems like so that’s a percentage of our cases also.
Victoria Volk 29:59
So you I’m discussing how it may be difficult for people to ask for help. If someone listening to this farmer friend of a farmer or something, and they’re going through a mental health challenge, you don’t have to have a limb severed, or you don’t have to have a terrible diagnosis. Maybe you want to just be able to take some time to focus on yourself and in work through your mental health challenges. That’s where you can come in to write I mean, I don’t want people to think that they have to have this, like, oh, well, my my situation isn’t as bad as theirs. You know what I mean? We can kind of have that mentality to where we compare our despair to others.
Bill Gross 30:44
You’re exactly correct, Victoria, we oftentimes get foreign families that call us in, and they say, Well, you know, I don’t know if I should apply. I’m just calling But surely you have people that are, you know, more seriously, or worse off than I am. And, and one example I’ll give you of how, how prideful and independent farm families are. Farmer years ago, called us up out, he was south of Dickinson, North Dakota. And he, he was during harvest time in the midst of harvest, and he was inquiring about our program, and he said those very words, but boy, you must have a full schedule helping people and then there must be people more, you know, in serious conditions than me and, and I said, So what what happened to you? He says, Oh, I got my hand cut off. He says, you know, a few days ago, in a Columbine, I said, so he said, you got your hand cut off. And you feel there’s other people that you shouldn’t apply for assistance that have more serious things. So land just really, really goes to show that how prideful and independent these people are. And yes, they always think that there’s someone else that is more deserving than them. So we don’t want anyone to think that you can call farm rescue talk to us. And in Yes, we help in mental health issues, mental illness, mental health, you can call us or a family member that’s listening to this, oftentimes, it’s the person who has, you know, is dealing with a mental health challenge. They’re not the person who’s gonna call, it’s usually a family member, it may be a spouse, it may be a child,
Bill Gross 32:37
or maybe a neighbor, or such a friend. So go ahead and call us everything is kept confidential. And yes, we have helped in many mental health cases where the person with the mental health issue just needed some downtime, maybe they need some to go for some counseling or treatment. And we free up that time by getting the work done. So they can get back to a good state of mind. And so yes, we do help in those cases.
Victoria Volk 33:10
And I just think of the impact that that has on their mental health, again, just circling back to the planting the seeds of hope. So I think that’s yeah, I love that you include that too, in your, in your assistance for farmers, because especially like you touched on it earlier, but the suicide rate is climbing in the farming community, and I see it just in my area, do you find that it’s older population? Or is it getting younger and younger you think,
Bill Gross 33:39
you know, I used to think it was just the older population. But what I’ve seen over the years at Farm rescue is it’s becoming the younger population where we see suicides also. And, you know, we cover an eight state regents so, you know, a lot of times like you said, all you, someone knows of someone around their area where they live, but when you look at it on a bigger footprint, we see a fair number of suicides on a fortune, unfortunately, in a larger geographical area. And, and it’s it’s a younger group, it may be a younger farmer, unfortunately, and sadly for anyone, but sometimes it may. Nowadays you hear it in the national news and stuff, it may be one of their children, you know, through bullying or whatever other reason, such it’s just, it’s just sad the whole way around. I can hardly talk about it. You know, unfortunately, I think in in our society nowadays. Again, people don’t don’t see a way forward, you know, be it as a young person or as a 40 year old or such and it just becomes overwhelming and they don’t feel like there’s anyone to turn to, or that there’s not help, or they don’t, they don’t speak up. And that’s a big message we need to get through to people that, that there is always help. There is always hope you may not feel there. There isn’t. But there is there’s always that sliver, that glimmer of hope someone will help you through a difficult situation you should never ever turn to the thoughts of, of suicide. So there’s, there’s always help.
Victoria Volk 35:34
Do you ever recognize your dad going through things that maybe he didn’t even talk about? You kind of knew that he was maybe, you know, going through some stuff. I mean, being a world war two veteran, I can’t imagine what he saw. Right? I’m a veteran myself, but I’m just curious how you saw that maybe translating into his, the way that he lived his life and into farming and how maybe that showed up for him. And, and maybe it didn’t maybe he was very good at at hiding it. You know, I think just being where I live, we they call it the Iron Curtain. Very German, very German, stoic German, we don’t ask for help you pull yourself up by your bootstraps type of mentality. And so I just, you know, wanted to kind of touch on that a little bit of just in the Midwest in general. I mean, that’s just kind of, I mean, we live in the northern climate look at where we live. Like, you have to be kind of, I mean, we’re in a snowpocalypse right now. It’s like, it’s just never ending, it seems, but with the cold and the snow and all of that, so it kind of hardens you, I think, just living where we live.
Bill Gross 36:44
You know Yes, my ancestry is German with the last name Gross, and my dad being in World War Two. And yes, he was a hearty individual and, and grew up in the area that you’re talking about, you have to be, and so on, it’s it’s not an easy life, no matter if you’re a person working in town or or out in the farm, it’s just the geographical area lends to some challenges that you don’t normally have. But from World War Two, you know, my dad was a very quiet person, like a lot of that transit didn’t really talk about things he saw. And, you know, toward the end of his life, he talked about a couple of occasions where, and we didn’t know this until someone looked at his military orders later and told us so my, my dad was the equivalent of like a, like a sniper, like Special Forces reconnaissance, and he would go ahead of the front line and conduct his mission, and sometimes by himself, or a very small team, and then they would come back to the front line and, and he talked about how they went around. And I don’t know all the details, but went ahead of the front line. And then when he came back, his buddies were all killed, that were on the front line there. And if you saw my dad cry over that, and such, you know, I think he felt responsible that he wasn’t there to help them. Right. And, but yes, how hearty person and wouldn’t talk about hardship? Should we say,
Victoria Volk 38:24
And I think it comes back to that solitude aspect you’re speaking to earlier, and it can be very easy to isolate yourself in your own feelings. And, you know, because like you said, farming can be a very a solo experience, right? You’re, you’re just you and nature, and you’re just a lot of alone time, right. And so I think, what do you do with all that alone time is think and think and think and think right? And so I think that can be not the best situation for for some people. And so I think just being able to have finding someone that you can talk to and feeling that it’s okay.
Bill Gross 39:04
You have a lot of time on the farm, like I said, in that solitude to rethink run things through your mind over and over. And like any one of us, you know, you don’t want to have regrets in life. Regrets are a hard thing. You know, there’s most things in life, you don’t have a redo, you can’t change them. And you have to find a way to move forward and deal with that.
Victoria Volk 39:31
And with your organization, you plant seeds of hope. That’s one way that people can experience the love and support of their community. So encourage anyone who is a doubter if this applies to them or could help them to, to rethink that solo mentality and ask for help.
Bill Gross 39:53
That’s right. That’s right. There is always someone that cares and will help and you know, never think you’re alone. Be that a teenager a child or, or a middle aged or elderly person, there’s plenty of people that have love and compassion and want to help and will help make things better.
Victoria Volk 40:13
I will take that as your one tip for hurting heart. Is there anything else that you’d like to share about farm rescue? And anything you have coming up? If applications are always open? Or do you have an application window for timeframe like how does all that work?
Bill Gross 40:28
People can apply at any time of the year. But yes, we’re accepting planting applications for the spring, and people should just contact us at farm rescue.org or at 701-252-2017. They can call and ask questions and apply or you can even nominate a, it doesn’t have to be for yourself. If you know someone, like we said that needs help.
Bill Gross 41:31
And it opens the door for us to help them. So I highly encourage people to refer or nominate a family that’s going through a difficult time. And in the vast majority of those cases, we end up helping that farm family.
Victoria Volk 41:48
I love that I did not know that. So thank you for sharing that. And I will put the phone number and the website in the show notes how people can reach for rescue. And are you looking to expand further?
Bill Gross 42:01
We are we are you know, as funds allow and and, you know, through donors and sponsors and such. And as long as there’s a legitimate need. Yes, we are looking to do that. But you know, we always need funding for just what we have the irons in the fire right now to help throughout North Dakota and in South Dakota, Minnesota and the states we’re in and if anyone wishes to donate, they can donate online securely. Or you can mail in a check to farm rescue peal box 28, Horace North Dakota 58047. And, you know, the board members are all volunteers. We work primarily with volunteers have a very small staff. We use our funds efficiently. And we don’t hand them out to people like we said we do it just to get the job done. And many places have said you know farm rescue is a true nonprofit. And we would greatly appreciate any donations to help our cause and admission so we can so we can help more farm families.
Victoria Volk 43:10
Thank you so much for sharing about farm rescue. I’m so glad that I followed my nudge to bring farm rescue to grieving voices to share your mission because I feel like it is a beautiful gift that is available to people where I call home in North Dakota. So thank you so much for for sharing today. And thank you for being my guest.
Bill Gross 43:35
Well thank you, Victoria, thank you for having me as a guest and thank you for for what you do to help people go through, you know, grieving times and to show that there is hope and, and to talk about it when what you’re talking about is is oftentimes things that people don’t want to talk about, right. So thank you for bringing that to the forefront.
Victoria Volk 44:01
It is my this is my mission in my work. So thank you for being a part of my mission to and remember when you unleash your heart you unleash your life. Much love.
Grieving Voices Guest, Grieving Voices Podcast, Podcast, Suicide |
Reid Peterson | Discovering a Legacy with Grief
SHOW NOTES SUMMARY:
Reid is the creator of the Grief Refuge app and supports grievers through publishing daily audio messages that soothe and comfort people pained by grief.
Grief is something Reid grew up knowing well. As a young adult, his biological father, who struggled with alcohol abuse, died by suicide. Fortunately, his stepfather came into his life as a child and was a positive influence.
However, grief would strike hard when his stepfather passed away after a long, eight-year battle with cancer. And, Reid would learn, for the first time, the difference between grief and mourning.
By the time his stepfather had passed away, he had also experienced the loss of friends due to cancer and suicide. However, it was the loss of his stepfather that would be the loss that would shape him to become a helper of grievers and strive to be the best husband he could be.
We often underestimate our impact and influence on other people’s lives. And, as a society, we don’t make a point to articulate to others what they mean to us or the positive influence and impact they have.
Grief cracks us open, but usually after losing someone we love. What if we challenged ourselves to be cracked open by the love we are given here and now? Then, reflect that back to those who give it by sharing, vulnerably, what that love means to us while the other person can hear it.
Let this episode inspire you to share how much the people (and the love and positive influence they have) in your life mean to you.
RESOURCES:
CONNECT:
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If you or anyone you know is struggling with grief due to any of the 40+ losses, free resources are HERE.
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CONNECT WITH VICTORIA:
Victoria Volk 0:00
Thank you for tuning in to this week’s episode. This is your host Victoria Volk of the Unleashed heart. And today, my guest is Reed Peterson. He is the creator of the grief refuge app. He achieved his master’s degree in transpersonal psychology and is certified in deep death and grief studies by the Center for loss and life transition. Read supports Grievers through publishing daily audio messages that soothe and comfort people pained by grief. Thank you so much for being here.
Reid Peterson 0:32
Victoria. Thank you, I always look forward to meaningful conversations about important topics that aren’t spoken enough. So it’s a privilege to be here. And thank you for the work that you do.
Victoria Volk 0:44
Likewise, well, let’s start with grief refuge and how it came to be.
Reid Peterson 0:50
Okay. Well, it starts with thinking about two father figures in my life. And that’s my biological father. And my stepfather. And both of them were very, very active in raising me. My stepfather came into my life when I was three. And so if anything, he was more around to be a father figure than my dad, but my biological father, but the story goes in 2006, my biological father, he ended his life by suicide. And at that time, I went through a process of surprising grief experience where I actually felt a lot of relief. And I was kind of joyed in the experience that my dad’s suffering has ended. My dad was an alcoholic. And he also struggled and suffered through post traumatic stress. And so a lot of my waking memories of my father have to do with like, difficulty. Not feeling like he could express his emotions, me wondering who this stranger was that I called dad. And so I just said, 28 years old, when he died, I kind of had this reaction of like, you SOB you finally did it. And, and just felt sad that I was never going to see him again, but also felt tremendous relief that his suffering had ended. So then fast forward 10 years, I lost my stepfather to cancer. He battled multiple myeloma for eight years. True soldier never complained once throughout the years of, of the tumultuous challenge, to stay alive and try to thrive. And when he died in the spring of 2016, I said to myself, well, Warren is my stepfather’s name, I’m sure gonna miss Warren. But I’ve, I’ve grieved the loss of my dad before. And so I’m good. I kind of know how this process unfolds. But Victoria, I couldn’t have been more wrong. Because I was completely overwhelmed with what felt like tremendous loneliness that I really had a difficult time articulating. And it got to a point where I found myself really isolated. And I said, I gotta get some support from my community members. And so I joined a support group through one of the local hospice organizations. And then I even sought a counselor to process some of my grief. And both were great positive experiences. But at the same time, I recognize that because loneliness had impacted me so deeply, I felt like there was this huge gap in between each session with a grief counselor, or in between, in between each group meeting that happened. So I remember asking myself a lot. What do I do in the in between. And what I remember doing was just kind of like roaming up and down the beaches of where I live, or kind of looking down and it’s hiking up a path into one of the one of the foothills where I live I live in Santa Barbara, so I’m blessed to have the ocean and mountains but and so that I really think that that planted a seed. And then maybe about three years later, after Warren died, I started realizing like I feel a calling growing inside of me to to be more of a support person in the field of grief and grief support. And I just thought of, I kept remembering that question of what about the in between what what happens in the in the day to day when when somebody doesn’t have the space or you know, the support network to communicate with others. And that’s, that’s kind of where the idea for a mobile application started sprouting, and kind of just grew from there.
Victoria Volk 5:25
It’s one thing to lose one father, but then to lose two, right. And that’s an influential variant for launch influential relationship in someone’s life. I had a similar experience, my dad passed away when I was a child, I had a stepfather, and he passed away in my early 20s. And there was no completeness with that relationship. There wasn’t a goodbye, there wasn’t my mom and him and divorced already at that time. And so I relate to that part of your story. And so what was that in between looking like for you? And how was it different with your biological father? And then your stepfather? What? Did you notice anything? I mean, I know you said it seemed, or it seemed heavier, right after your stepfather. But what were you feeling? And what were the things that were happening in your life? And how did they differ?
Reid Peterson 6:21
Well, if I think more about my biological father, as I mentioned, I felt relief. And so looking back, I would attribute that to experiencing like, some joy, you know, joy, that the suffering, my perceived, so bad suffering had ended. And I remember, maybe eight months later, I started to recognize feelings of guilt. Oh, you know, that wasn’t probably such a good thing to feel all those feelings. I remember at my father’s memorial, my siblings, my sister, my brother, and I, we all try facilitated his funeral slash Memorial. And my mom approached me and my mom, my mom, and my dad had such a hard relationship that was kind of like, you know, very passionate and lustful in the hinder youth. But then, like, true hatred for one another, post having three kids together, and my mom said to me, Wow, you really feel you really feel relieved don’t to, you know, she kind of saw the look on the expression on my face. And I, for me, it was at the time, it was like, as somebody who tried my best to understand my dad, because my dad was a very complicated man, very private, very emotional, but so guarded, that he wouldn’t allow himself to express his emotions. I felt like a weight was lifted off my shoulder. And so I said to my mom, yeah, I have really do feel this way, this is authentic for me. And she said, Okay, and then, so, but then, like I said, even months later, so I started to realize, like, hey, wait a minute, maybe what that wasn’t okay. And that was probably more of my type of personality, you know, some of the way my thoughts, you know, factor into my life and how I live my life accordingly. And probably caught up with some kind of paradigm or some limiting belief that like it wasn’t permissible to feel that way. And so I remember acknowledging some of my own guilt, for doing that, and going through a period of like, almost like interpersonal reframing, because I didn’t see constantly and after my dad died, I didn’t really go get support outside of myself, I just more connected with family members, you know, to talk about the loss of our father. And so, within my own experience, I had to do a little bit of reframing and understand like, Well, hey, wait a minute. You said it was authentic weed, so you have to be okay with it actually being authentic. So, that was very different from when Warren died. So when when Warren died, I actually felt more of a longing for him. More of the, like I said earlier, the loneliness and just really feeling deeply saddened by the loss of Warren. And so it didn’t feel was much like about like this inner processing, it felt like these true raw emotions that I didn’t, you know, I couldn’t really relate to even though like, Warren was my mom’s soulmate. They were like, bonded so deeply, for 33 years. And so, I mean, I was really concerned when Warren died, I was like, What is my mom gonna do, but then it just, it just hit me by surprise, because I was like, you know, Warren was such a rock, and so easy to talk to so easy going and like, he just had like, great qualities and a person, you know, like, he’s one of those special people that you truly are going to miss when he can no longer spend time with them anymore. And, and I thought I was, I thought I was okay, you know, I’ve always perceived myself as like grounded, easygoing, myself, and just kind of like, really responsive to what the universe throws at me. And I just was so blown away by like,
Reid Peterson 11:14
How deep of a loss that I felt how much I truly missed him. And actually, you know, his, his 60th Birthday would have happened just a couple days ago at the time of this recording. And he has like, man, do I miss this guy, you know, as communicate with my mom. And she was talking about like, some of the family members getting together to honor him, I think they visited his grave site. And I’m at a distance I’m at a physical distance, so I can’t really hang out with them. And I was just like, gosh, you know, I miss him so much, is just like, so cool to talk to as an adult. So
Victoria Volk 12:07
How would you say that grief was manifesting, though, let’s go a little bit deeper. How was it manifesting for you differently between those two losses?
Reid Peterson 12:18
Well, I guess I would need to ask for clarification on that, because I feel like I have been addressing that, like that. To me, I would respond by saying the same thing. The manifestation would be the feelings of like joy, then relief, then guilt, and then also the sadness. So where are you heading with this, Victoria?
Victoria Volk 12:37
Okay. So, Grief Recovery, we talk about STERBS, short term energy relieving behaviors, things that we resort to in order to feel better, for a short period of time, because we don’t really want to feel what we’re feeling. Even in less than loving relationships or complicated relationships, we can resort to things to help us feel better, whether it be exercise, or alcohol, or shopping, or gambling, or Facebook, or, you know, these behaviors that we resort to, to fill a void. Right? And because you didn’t, what I heard was that and correct me if I’m wrong, but if your dad was a type of person who didn’t express himself, but although you did have Warren as a young child, so I guess, I guess I should start here. Who do you think influenced your capacity to grieve in a healthy way more, a lot like your father, the presence of your father in your life or your stepfather?
Reid Peterson 13:41
Well, I know truthfully, both influence influenced my way to process grief. I’m very grateful to have both experiences. Now, if I think of myself, in social context to others, like in social relationship, I would say Warren, like the loss of Warren helped teach me how to grieve in a social context, because I ended up going to a grief counselor and I ended up going to a grief support group, through the local hospice. And what I was witnessing from other people in the groups was an expression of sadness and longing for their loved one that they wanted, that they lost and that they wanted to be with. And so that I could identify with now, what I experienced when my dad died, I wasn’t able to identify with or relate to from other people because similar to me, I kept it a little bit more private. Now my mom who knows me very well, she was able to see something in that in that authentic expression. My anybody else outside of my family. There wasn’t really much conversation about it, or about grieving or the loss of my dad. Uh, so that was more of a much private matter. So I feel like, I feel like I learned from my dad grieving because I define grieving as internal thoughts and internal feelings. And then from my stepdad, Warren, I learned mourning the outward expression of grief. So it kind of feels like I’ve got the best of will, it’s hard to say the best because grief is painful. I got great lessons, and both losses of my dad and my stepdad.
Victoria Volk 15:34
Well, that’s a great example of, I think, and how you described it just that morning versus that kind of the complexity of that. All the feelings of that other loss of your of your father, would you say that is what grief taught you?
Reid Peterson 15:49
No, because, okay, for me. I can probably think of dozens of things grief has taught me, but at the same time, Victoria, I believe that grief will always keep teaching me. You know, it’s been 16 years since my dad died. And I’m like, wow, there’s still a journey that I can embark on with grieving my dad’s death, because I had such a, such a strong perception of what I label as like negative experiences in his life. But But now, you know, as I grow, and I’m mature, and I evolve, I find myself remembering things about my dad that helped me understand a little bit more of parts of his personality that I didn’t pay attention to when he was still living. And so grief is still teaching me. So it’s a complicated answer to what sounds like a simple question. But I think that grief is grief is going to be with me for the rest of my life. Most people say that it will soften. I believe that too. But at the same time, I’m like, there will be moments where Alan wolfelt, my teacher, he refers to him as grief bursts, you know, these things will come up a wave of grief will hit hard. I don’t know if it’s because of listening to a song or something. But I’ll remember, I actually just went through a really difficult process. Not too long ago, where Warren, my stepfather, he had an identity of being a Harley rider, you know, always had a beard, you know, kind of looked like a gruff guy, but I mean, just a big teddy bear. And mandate, he loved this Harley. And my mom also loved being on the back of his Harley too. So a big part of their life together, you know, when, when they needed to escape from their kids, they went on Harley rides, and things like that. And no one were in died, I actually inherited his Harley. And for about four years, I did my best to continue to honor like his legacy or honor, and respect him in what he meant to me. So when I’d ride that Harley, I felt like I was connecting with the essence of Warren, Warren spirit. And man, did that feel good. But then I realized, like, Okay, I don’t feel safe riding this bike, because I don’t really identify as a big motorcycle rider that much. At the same time, I’m almost getting clipped here and there, because people are texting while they’re driving. And it’s scary. And, you know, no, no offense to any California residents listening to this, but there’s some crazy California drivers just don’t look where they’re going. And so I’m like, Okay, now I’m crushing my safety. Like, I want to continue to live, you know, I want to increase my chances to live as long as possible. So long story short, I talked to my mom about you know, what to do next with a bike. Is there any other family member, any other family member who would like to? I can pass it on to? And unfortunately, the answer was no. And so it got to a point where we made an agreement where it was permissible and okay, to let it go. And I ended up selling it to someone who is very passionate about writing. So I’m really excited that you know, this, this guy’s just going to take great care of it and really enjoy his time with it, because that’s what Warren love. So it’s kind of like this resemblance of like, well, can we honor those wishes, if you will, at least the wishes that we think they would be but Victoria, it was really hard because arguably, that motorcycle was like a family heirloom. And so when it was like go like there was there was some difficulty in saying like, again, you know, I must have a guilty personality type, because that was like, oh, you know, can I feel okay to have let this go? Because right now I don’t I feel kind of guilty that it just didn’t work out for me to continue to write it. But, you know, it went through some process of,
Reid Peterson 20:16
Again, some of my own internal reframing and saying, Hey, Reed, you did the best you could you, you just have to be okay with that. And you have to understand that like, you know that that was a part of Warren’s life that was part of Warren’s identity, and you did your best to see if it could be a part of yours. And you learned that didn’t. And so, you know, time to time to make some choices and some decisions that will help you know, me continue to, to live life moving forward. And so I feel like that ties into what grief has taught me and what grief has continued to teach me too. But I think that there is a lot of hard decisions that everyone faces to throughout their grief process. It’s not just about it’s not just about like, acknowledging the feelings and working through them, I think includes so many life decisions that really impact identity moving forward to.
Victoria Volk 21:15
I think, grief, often, I mean, we start to ask ourselves big, deep questions when we go through a devastating loss. And were there any that came up for you, personally, like personal deep questions that you find yourself asking yourself after Warren passed away?
Reid Peterson 21:38
I appreciate that question. It’s really insightful. Hey, the thing that comes up to me is, like, what kind of legacy am I going to be able to leave in my life, because at the time of Warren’s death, you know, for me, a funeral experience can be so meaningful, because I feel like if I’m not involved in being a part of it, when I observe and be a participant in the funeral, like I really get to understand the person who died kind of their values in life and how they made for lack of a better term, how they made a difference in the lives of others. And so reflecting on Warren’s death, and thinking about it as like, Warren was just a really special family oriented man, we had like, mazing stories of like building a family cabin together. And like, Warren was so gifted, like, as a handyman, like, you know, our the house that I grew up in was like born and my mom’s like, remodel project for like, 35 years, they’re always finding something new to work on and add on to or update of, it’s just like, how do you guys keep coming up with new ideas? Like, your home isn’t, like 10,000 square feet, it’s just a simple Rambler. Like, where do you come up with more things to do? But the I’m sure would and, and so like, when Warren died, I was like, will read like, this is a pivotal moment for you. Because when he died, I was I think, 39. I was like, whoo, what do I look at my life now? And how do I want to be remembered? Or how do I want to what kind of legacy do I want to leave? And so that really opened my eyes to and I felt like, you know, forgive me to sound cliche in saying that, you know, when when there’s a loss, if there’s any gift, in like a grief experience, or having, you know, somebody, losing someone in order to learn something about yourself. That might have been one of the gifts that weren’t gave to me, through our relationship in his passing was like, okay, read, you know, pay attention to that, because very transparently, I’m not a father in this lifetime. And I won’t be and, and it’s like, well, what do I want to do? Because I don’t fully identify as like somebody who’s, like, completely married to the work that I do either. And so it really it really created some space for me to reflect on that and come up with ideas and a vision going forward.
Victoria Volk 24:29
And what is that, if you don’t mind sharing?
Reid Peterson 24:32
Well, part of it is the work that I do. So I am a husband, though and these days, and American culture, a lot of times, relationships if, if their struggle and strife, the answer is to end it. And so I know that I have found a partner that who’s very special and so part of my vision in my life is to be like the best husband that I can possibly be to my wife. And so I’m very committed to that. And very, very grateful for the type of relationship we have and look forward to all the growth opportunities in our lifetime together, whether that’s three more years, 30 more years, or somewhere in the in between, I don’t know. But that comes to mind. And then also, I’ve come to understand that there is a healer inside of me. And so I know that I’ve found my calling, with grief refuge, and integrating modern technology to help support people who, you know, find their grief experience to be very privatized, and personalized. But also, my hope in my vision, Victoria is that sometime in the future, I’m I’m aiming for 10 years or sooner that there is a grief refuge retreat center, somewhere in the pacific northwest of the United States. And then groups of, you know, people grieving, perhaps grieving a similar type of loss, they can come and experience what feels that authentic to them, with their peers, if they know them, or at least strangers who can identify with the type of loss metrics that they’re experiencing?
Victoria Volk 26:30
It sounds very beautiful. I picture it in my mind. Thank you. I had some ideas come to me, I’ll share them after we’re done recording, just some insights that I had when you were talking in the work that you are doing currently. Do you see a lot of men being drawn to what you’re doing right now?
Reid Peterson 26:51
Appreciate the question. And I wish the answer were Yes. But truthfully, when the app is downloaded, and people register on it, I think that 90% or higher, are female. Wow, there’s still I think in our culture, there’s still some work to be done. To help men understand that using their voice, in their grief process is okay, too. I know that traditionally and kind of gender, gender stereotypically men are more doers than talkers. But I firmly believe as a man who identifies as being a doer, Doer to like, for example, a big part of healing in my grieving process involves hiking. Well, that’s an activity that I would label doing. I also think that there can be, you know, vocal communication with doing too. So I once had this idea for the future retreat center of, for men, maybe there’s always a project that could be worked on, you know, and I’m like, Part of that’s honoring Warren. And I’m like, Oh, if you know, it doesn’t have to be men. Of course, it can be anybody who wants to, quote unquote, do or build as part of their grief experience. And so that just came to mind as like a really fun idea. And it really is community oriented. And I think that any agreement person who finds themselves contributing to make something to help be of support to someone else, even if they never meet them, that’s got to be a good feeling.
Victoria Volk 28:33
Do you feel like I mean, what so often happens with Grievers is we find purpose in our pain. And not everybody has to start a business or create something big, bigger than themselves, or what have you. But it can be as small as bringing another Griever into your network and into your community and supporting them. Because we’re all at different places, right? You know, if you, you can get a lot of insight from someone who’s five steps ahead in their grief, not saying there’s like a ladder or there’s a linear path, but the further out that you get. That’s a lot of introspection and reflection time in between. And that’s why I’m saying, I totally agree with you that you grow with your grief. It it changes and it evolves you over time and you grow with it. I can say that as a child Griever YouTube, like, you know, because I imagine that change in relationship at age three, where your father was your biological father was in your life, but was he present? Like, was he really there? Because that’s that changes the influence too. Right? So was he really an act is sorry, if I missed it. What was the active presence in your life? I think you said that actually.
Reid Peterson 29:54
He was yeah he lived five miles away and you know through the delay Go situation with their divorce. He had visitation rights and things like that. So yeah. And but he was also an alcoholic. So was he really present? Right, yet to be together? still yet to be determined?
Victoria Volk 30:17
So often those cycles to repeat and and maybe perhaps to the gift of Warren is that do you feel like he kind of steered you in a different path of one that you may maybe could have taken? Had he not been in your life?
Reid Peterson 30:31
Absolutely, yeah. I deeply respect and deep, deeply respect, Warren’s commitment as a family oriented man, because my biological father wasn’t. And so having that influence, it helped me understand, although that, you know, my wife and I are not going to be parents in this lifetime. Like, we still hold a lot of family values, you know, we’re very actively involved in our siblings lives, and, you know, still, our nuclear families, you know, are still really actively involved in, you know, thank goodness for, you know, FaceTime in technology these days, because we don’t live near any of our family members. But yeah, I give a lot of credit to Warren, and in helping be me helping to be a positive influence in my life in regards to that matter.
Victoria Volk 31:24
I just want to say for anyone listening to if you have the capacity to be that for somebody else, you don’t have to be blood, right? I mean, he just showed you that you can be there for someone who, and have a profound impact on them, like Warren did for you. And they can be your neighbor. They could be the cashier at the grocery store. It could be your postmaster like so I think I just wanted I don’t know why I just felt like sharing that, that if you’re listening to this, and you have the capacity to be a light for someone like Warren was for you follow those nudges? What has what gives you the most hope? I mean, it kind of described it a little bit. But do you want to go a little further on what gives you the most hope for the future?
Reid Peterson 32:14
Well, it’s a great question. If I sit will reflect on it, I think it kind of have two answers personally and professionally, what gives me the most hope is, you know, feeling loved and cared for by my wife. In a personal perspective, I think that oftentimes, even in the work that I do, loneliness is a feeling that is almost a little bit too friendly at times. And so a lot of people have said in Reed’s life, like, Oh, are you depressed? And I’m like, Well, no, it’s just kind of like, a sense of feeling lonely or sense of feeling isolated. And I attribute that to part of it to being a highly sensitive person, I identify with being highly sensitive. And so, you know, for me, feeling that love and being open and receptive to it. I think that that’s one of the challenging things that men for whatever reason, stereotypically, again, I apologize for the hanging of people who don’t identify with the stereotype, but can name it as far as if it’s a vulnerability thing or what but like, sometimes men have a difficult time just accepting and or embracing Warm regards and warm feelings and feelings of love and care towards them. So in my personal life, that gives me tremendous hope. I’m blessed in that regard. Professionally, I think that when, for me, it’s a felt sense, like, because I do facilitate some online groups, and then we’ve got grief refuge app built, when I get positive feedback in any regard, like, I can sometimes see or sense like almost this shift in someone where they are now recognizing that for whatever reason, they’re feeling a little bit more of their own hope. And when I recognize that, or when it feels like a true experience for me, that’s when I recognize me feeling more hopeful, too.
Victoria Volk 34:32
I love that. What is the tip that you would give? Well, let me ask this first. So between the two losses of your biological father in your stepfather, did you have any loss in between?
Reid Peterson 34:44
Yeah, unfortunately lost a lot of friends to suicide and a lot of friends to cancer.
Victoria Volk 34:51
Because grief is cumulative, and it’s cumulatively negative. That’s why I wanted to ask that because by the time you had had the loss of Warren You’d been around the block a few times of grief? And has it ever struck you the similarity then of those losses with suicide and with cancer? And have you found that have you? Is there an element of your app that you’ve incorporated those types of losses into it? Like suicide, particularly, which can be very challenging for people?
Reid Peterson 35:27
No, not yet I, I’ve really tried to focus the app as far as the content shared on the app to be more like kind of like, the psychology of grief management, like in the thoughts and the specific emotions, rather than focusing on type of loss type of loss matters. I don’t discredit it at all. But when I looked at, kind of like all the resources available to people that are grieving, I recognize that so many of them, in fact, a majority or more are focused on type of loss, and says, like, oh, maybe grief refuge can be more unique, and focusing on more just emotional states and your thinking patterns.
Victoria Volk 36:14
Going deeper into that, then having an understanding of that type of loss, losing someone to suicide, and the premise of grief refuge. And what you described was was the in between, right? And what I know about grief is that people who are struggling with suicidal ideation, I don’t think it’s a stretch to say that 100% of them have grief or trauma in their life, or both. And so of someone who is having suicidal thoughts, or is feeling really depressive, and is starting to go down that downward spiral, that rabbit hole of having those thoughts, and they come across your app, it is an opportunity, right? Because there is that in between there to have having a grief or trauma event happen to then ending your own life. I don’t know if that’s occurred to you? I don’t know. I just that just came to my mind is that there’s an in between for for those people as well. Is it his grief? What I know about grief that it is grief? People are experiencing?
Reid Peterson 37:24
Yeah, I actually haven’t thought of it that way. But it makes some great sense. And I think that’s really wise of you to say that Victoria.
Victoria Volk 37:32
Well, and I asked you because has it when you think about your biological father and and him taking his own life and how it brought you relief. But have you ever reflected on the grief that he had in his life in between?
Reid Peterson 37:49
Yeah, I’ve spent post his lot, you know, posts his death, I’ve spent a lot of time reflecting on his grief. And, you know, he had a rough, rough life himself. He was physically abused by his dad and stuff like that, learn to drink from his dad too. But I can easily assume and with confidence, say my dad had a lot of grief in his life, he did actually tell me some stories about what happened in Vietnam and some of the things he did. And he, I’m very lucky that he trusted me to say that because I know a lot of veterans do not share stories with anybody. And so, so I did learn that there were many things my dad did in Vietnam that he regretted for the rest of his life. And he even went as far as to tell me that he felt haunted by ghosts of the lives of people he took. And so a lot of trauma, and a lot of grief in his life. And, and so that’s part of my process. You know, when I spend time thinking about my dad now is like, bringing that into a lot of the thoughts of like, Well, my dad was really carrying a lot. And so it kind of makes sense that he was emotionally distant from myself, my sister, my brother, and just couldn’t really be an emotionally supportive father.
Victoria Volk 39:26
I’m glad the conversation went here because I feel like anger is such a deeply rooted emotion and in the experience of your father not being around or being an alcoholic, or you know, it’s really easy to just think about your own pain, and be stuck in your own anger. But I think what this conversation is bringing to light is that, first of all, we all have struggles. And secondly, none of us come with a manual with our parents and or as parents, or children don’t come with manuals. And thirdly, I think it helps to bring some compassion to the pain, not only your own pain, but to the pain of the person who was struggling, who maybe wasn’t capable, who didn’t have the tools and the knowledge and, and have, how to grieve emulated for them. And so this is how cycles continue. And that’s why I was asking you how your grief was manifesting, but you had Warren, then that one decision of your mom to bring Warren into your life changed your life, the trajectory of your life, most likely. And so, so many of our lives, the unfolding of our lives comes down to choice. And my father was in Vietnam, he slept with a knife underneath his mattress, and died at the age of 44 of colon cancer. I know he has had grief. And so I just feel like I think it helps to soothe our grief. If we can look at the person were grieving, or the even less than loving relationship, maybe with just a little bit compassion.
Reid Peterson 41:13
I agree, Victoria.
Victoria Volk 41:16
Is there anything else you would like to share?
Reid Peterson 41:20
Well, you mentioned the thing about choices. And what’s interesting is, sometimes when I go into the story of war, specifically, the loss of Warren, I sometimes say I’ve grieved the loss of two physical deaths of fathers, but also for different types of relationships. And so with my dad, it was the relationship I had, I grieve that, but also the longing for something more emotionally supportive. And then with Warren, I aggrieved the relation type of relationship we had, but as an adult, I look back and I realize, wow, Warren was such a special person, and such an important person in my life, that should I had the opportunity, or I had the opportunity to make choices to open up to him more. And so it’s not regret, I don’t identify as regret, but it’s almost like, Oh, if I were to go back and do it over again, like, I would have, I would have shared more with Warren, about my life. And so I also agreed that too, and, and it’s, it’s really, it’s bittersweet, honestly, for me, because I, I so appreciate what Warren and I had in our relationship together. But at the same time, I’m like, oh, okay, that’s, that’s the thing where, like, there could have been some, just great, great experiences, like even more so than what we already experienced. Had I been had I made the choice to be a little bit more open with him.
Victoria Volk 42:59
That’s good. And I think I, I mean, really, Grief can keep us stuck in our, our shell, right. And, like you said, you’re a highly sensitive person identify the same and so when you think of a turtle, how it just tucks into its shell, or a dog puts its tail between its legs, it’s, you know, grief is very heavy, if you can feel very heavy. And then if you’re highly sensitive, and then just the heaviness of the world, right, it’s really easy to isolate yourself, and but we lose a lot of connection in doing that. And so, I think grief also has a way to crack US Open too, so sure does. So where can people reach you if they’d like to learn more about you your work and the grief refuge app and you have a podcast as well?
Reid Peterson 43:46
That’s true. Yeah. Well, we’re all branded under grief refuge. So the simplest thing to do is just visit grief. refuge.com and go from there.
Victoria Volk 43:55
Okay, I will put the link to the show in the show notes for that. Thank you so much for being my guest and for the work that you’re bringing to the world. And I appreciate you.
Reid Peterson 44:08
Thank you so much, Victoria. Again, I’m grateful for a meaningful conversation.
Victoria Volk 44:13
And remember, when you unleash your hearts, you unleash your life. Much love.
Childhood Grief, Grieving Voices Guest, Grieving Voices Podcast, Mental Health, Podcast, Spirituality, Suicide |
Martika Whylly | Learning How to Grieve with Ease
SHOW NOTES SUMMARY:
They say it’s unnatural for a parent to outlive and bury a child. Likewise, it’s not natural for a child to bury their parent.
There is no hierarchy of loss. We all grieve at 100%, and there are no half-grievers. Therefore, all losses are felt at 100%, too. So, who’s to say what loss is worse than the next? However, for a moment, put yourself in the shoes of a child who buries a parent. Often, there’s another parent in the wings to comfort and console the child. But that’s not always the case.
Martika’s mother completed suicide when she was 15. And this experience followed a circumstance of abuse in the home at the hands of Martika’s stepfather. So, by the time she experienced the death of her mother, she had plenty of grief she was trying to deal with already.
The loss of her mother would lead Martika down a dark path of suicidal ideation. All the while, her grandparents passed away, and she found her biological father. However, when she found her father, she learned he died two days before.
With the loss of everyone she cared about, though, she did gain a whole family – her biological father’s family. But, as life does, it includes death, and Martika lost another special person in her life, her young cousin, by suicide.
Martika had to learn to surrender, and once she did, she found ways to strengthen her faith and spiritual life and gain a renewed sense of hope. She shares things that helped her along her path and lessons that have helped her to remain present while she longs for the after-party that awaits her when she’ll be united with those she loves once again.
When the dominos of loss fall, perhaps it will help you to know that you can’t kill energy, as Martika shared. You also can’t take from someone who also has. And from Martika’s experience, it is possible to grieve with ease.
RESOURCES:
CONNECT:
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If you or anyone you know is struggling with grief due to any of the 40+ losses, free resources are HERE.
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CONNECT WITH VICTORIA:
Victoria Volk 0:00
Thank you for tuning in to grieving voices. Today, my guest is Martika Whylly. She is an author podcaster and grief coach, her path to become a grief coach became clear sometime after she wrote the book, having fun with God, a personal journey about death loss, and how she’s handled grief that transcended into peace of mind. Thank you so much for being my guest today, Martika.
Martika Whylly 0:26
Thank you so much, Victoria for having me. It’s an honor.
Victoria Volk 0:28
I know from reading just your information that you shared with me that and as you know, obviously, from your personal experience, and I as well. And for many guests that I’ve had on here, grief usually isn’t just doesn’t come once in our lifetime. And often, by the time we reach adulthood, we’ve maybe had several that we may not even think about, you know, a pet loss for one, in early in childhood is usually often a first loss. So let’s start in your childhood, and the losses that you have experienced along the way and how they’ve shaped you.
Martika Whylly 1:04
Hmm, well, thank you for letting me share. My first loss was when I was 15 years old, and my mom committed suicide, I had no experience with death or loss at that time. So it hit me pretty hard. It was really didn’t want to live anymore, I was quite suicidal. I had a divine experience that prevented me from killing myself. And, but her death kind of had a domino effect. Because her mom, my grandmother took her death pretty hard, I think she might have felt that guilty. You know, because there was, you know, events leading up to her committing suicide, you know, people sometimes do reach out for help. And, you know, if others don’t see it as well, you can get over it, you know, it’s not a big deal and that sort of thing. And then then they lose the third child, even though she was an adult, it was just a bit of a domino effect. Like my Nana, she had an asthma attack. And then, two years after her death, my my grandfather passed away, he just kind of gave up living. So it was like cataracts. And then it was, you know, his kidneys and it was his liver, you know, when once a major organ starts going in, you know, at the age of, you know, in his early 70s, you know, you know, when some of these kind of given up and that’s they want to go right, you cannot try to save people in that aspect. You have to respect okay, that, you know, he would always say, you know, I’ve lived a good long life and, and here’s what I want you to do with the money that you’ll inherit and that sort of thing. And then about two years after my grandfather died, my uncle died in a car accident, he was pretty young, he was 42, which was interesting, because my mom was also 42 When she died. And so after my uncle passing, I realized, you know, I don’t have a lot of family. On my mother’s side. It’s a smaller knit family. So I decided to find my father. My parents divorced when I was young, I was both three years old. And so in search of my father and I knew he had been he was at from the Bahamas. So he’d be in the Bahamas, some somewhere. And it’s a fairly small compared to Canada. So I didn’t think it’d be hard finding him. But it took two months to find him. And when I did, I was informed that he died two days ago. So I didn’t know whether to laugh or cry. You know, I thought what, you know, I wondered about God, I’m not religious, but I do believe in spirit. So. But when my father had passed, that’s when I realized I had, excuse me, four older sisters, and they had children. And so it was interesting. I had lost all of these people, it’s family members, but then also gained family members. And you know, sitting with that, because the voice did say, God doesn’t take away without giving back. And I thought, Okay, well that that makes sense. To me. At the time, I was still kind of devastated. But I got to meet all four my sisters and their children. And it was like instant family going from, you know, raised in a small knit family, to having like, several siblings and then their kids and then cousins and you know, just extended family. It was like, Whoa, trying to meet everyone. remember their names? It was it was it was quite, it was quite something it kind of took away from all the grief of the loss that I had. But then again in life, you just you never get away from it. You know, I thought after my my father had died, I wouldn’t have to variants are lost for a while, you know. And then a few years, well, several years after my father died, my cousin Nicky committed suicide. She was 15. And she hung herself, I found her. And that was, again. very traumatic, because, you know, you’re not expecting to find someone hanging there. And even though there were signs of her, you know, threatening to do something I didn’t, I didn’t believe that she would you know, how teenagers could don’t want it to go on or on a runaway and then not coming back, you know, she was very rebellious. And so, yeah, that that took its toll on me, I instead of getting therapy or counseling, I took off to the Bahamas, I just wanted out of Canada, just away from it all.
Martika Whylly 5:54
And learned about, you know, my roots, my my father’s side, since, you know, he wasn’t around, I still have family there. And it wasn’t until I came back from the Bahamas in 2006, actually, that he actually started writing, it was automatic writing, there was, you know, I felt like I was being used, like spirit was using me to write. And with that came the book, having fun with God, and a lot of forgiveness, a lot of healing, a lot of understanding, peace of mind. Like, it was the greatest gift. It was better than, you know, I mean, counselling is good, but at that time, I just wasn’t feeling feeling the need for it. But I thought the writing to be super therapeutic, I did not know that no one told me, Hey, do some writing, you know, even if it’s journaling, you know, writing what you’re grateful for, or just how you feel, even if you’re angry, sometimes my writing wouldn’t be writing, it would just be a bunch of lines that have been very angrily marked on the page, you know, just to get some of that anger out. But it then it led me to helping others with their grief. I took a couple of courses in college, a one was just psychology 101. The other one was personal growth. But we touched on the stages of grief. And then we’re we’re to write about, you know, when we lost someone, and writing something out and reading it out loud to yourself as one thing, but then when you go to class, and you’re asked to stand up in front of the class and read it out loud, well, yeah, emotions, big time. In course, I ran to my seat after I was done. I didn’t want to take any questions. But people were amazed, like, how did you get through all that? And I thought, well, it must have been the grace of God. Because I mean, I was very suicidal. I was very reckless. I look back and I and I think about some of the things that I’ve done. And like, how did I have a look through that, you know, driving in a blizzard up north doing 120 kilometers an hour in the fast lane while everybody’s driving slow? I just didn’t give two flying figurines, you know, I’m like, whatever. If I die, that’s okay. Like I just had a death wish. And I think people around me could see it because when my cousin Nikki died, some of the family friends thought it was me that had committed suicide. Yeah, so I thought okay, so y’all saw that a suicidal didn’t do anything about it. That’s really good to know. But sometimes people think, well, it’s out of our hands or out of my hands, and whatever they’re thinking, I mean, there’s no judgment around it. But now it because I’ve started to thrive after talking to spirit, you know, how can I serve? What what do I know a lot about that experience that I can help others and a voice saying, you know, a lot about death and loss kept coming up. I didn’t want to teach you about death and loss is heavily involved in the music industry. I have recorded a few songs. And you know, music was my life. It made me feel good. It’s, you know, part of the healing process as well. But yeah, I just death and loss kept coming up. And you know, the music industry thing, you know, there was always a brick road at the end of the brick wall at the end of the road. So I kind of threw my hands up in the air and I said, Okay, you know, I’m here to serve you. Your wish is my command. I would say the universe, your wish is my command. So this is yeah. And of course, I’ve started a podcast about a year and a half ago and I speak to other psychologists, mediums, death, doulas caregivers and you know, discussing about ways to help others in their grief into sharing experiences and people that have overcome it, and overcoming meaning they’re no longer in the depths of despair. They’ve taken that grief, and they have flourished from it. And I’m hoping that others that are feeling, you know, like, like they don’t want to live anymore, that there is hope that they too can overcome these, these negative feelings or confused feelings.
Victoria Volk 10:14
Thank you so much for sharing all of that. And it is a lot. And a young life. Your mother died when you were 15. How old were you when you found your cousin Nikki?
Martika Whylly 10:27
I was 33.
Victoria Volk 10:29
Yeah I mean, that’s a lot of loss. And that time, can I circle back to what you said about having a divine experience? Because I’m really curious about that. Can you speak to that a little bit?
Martika Whylly 10:41
Okay. Yeah, sure. Well, I guess it was about maybe a few days away, maybe maybe a week after my mom passed. I was first year of high school. She died about a week before the March Break. So I had that week off school for to grieve. And then then there was the March Break. And I was alone in the apartment. My stepfather was always a way he was, you know, at work or whatnot. And I just felt so empty. I felt like a walking corpse. You know, I didn’t want to be here anymore. I couldn’t imagine living without her. So we tend to sometimes follow people. Like if somebody has hung themselves, while we want to hang on, hang ourselves. My mom, she jumped off a bridge landed in the Provincial Park. And so we lived in a high rise building it was we lived on the 20th floor. And the windows didn’t have screens on them, though we were fighting with the landlord about putting screens in because anyone could just fall out of there. And so I just opened the sliding window, and I stood in the frame and all it would have taken is one step. One step 20 stories I’d be with her. And I took that step and a force of some kind push me back into the living room. And a wave of this knowingness and peace came over me. And a voice said, You’re not meant to follow and therefore must live on. And the feeling that I got from that was, it didn’t matter what I did, there would always be something or someone to stop me from from ending my life. And it’s funny, because in my late 20s, and 30s, I put to the test, I put myself in some dangerous situations to see if that was true. Sounds crazy, but when you’re suicidal, like, you’re no reckless, then you’re willing. I knew physically, I could kill myself. So I just tried other ways. I tried to fend me God. According to Catholic religion, offending God is, you know, you go to Hades for that sort of thing. So I thought, Okay, well, hell, it’s gotta be better than this place. So I would try to offend God through thoughts, deeds and actions. And a was, excuse me, I’m emotional. I’m living in downtown Toronto in my late 20s. And I used to stumble home from the bars at night. And this one evening, I remember, you know, going into my apartment thinking, why am I still here? How come I’m still alive, have not have I not offended you. And then I heard a voice saying, I love you unconditionally, you can never find. And that’s when I knew that this God was truly unconditionally loving. And it didn’t matter what I did. I mean, I could have went out and killed 1000s of people, and I still would have been loved. So I stopped attending, because it wasn’t working. And I just kind of accepted the fate that you know, I’m still here. There’s some reason why I did not know what that was. Because, you know, at that age, I was still kind of figuring things out. And so I just, you know, did a lot of meditating. I started reading Conversations with God by Neale Donald Walsch, I read book, one, two, and three, several more of his books.
Martika Whylly 14:14
And that just kind of opened my mind a little bit more about our relationship with spirit. And so I just, I just started to, you know, to live more to because who knows when I’m going to go and so I better appreciate what I have. And just, you know, being able to talk to Spirit and not just that, but knowing that my mom is still with me spiritually. She she very much so. And, and I guess I think the more I acknowledge her the less she she sends signs. I know she’s with the two systems sounds quite a bit to the mess with the lights, I guess you could say the flickering of lights, you know, I had to, you know, the ceiling light on and that was flickering on and off. So I tried to adjust it and it would get flickering. And I thought, well, something’s wrong on the circuit board or something. So I turned it off and they put a lamp on well, then that started flickering and, and I and I said to her, I said, Mama, that’s you. Thank you for letting me know you’re here. But that’s freaking me out. So stop, stop doing that. So she did. So she did. Now I have not gone to mediums to talk about, you know, my mom or what she has to say or anything like that. Probably because I, you know, was open. And you know, she would show up and dreams, that sort of thing. But yeah, she’s very much. You know, in my life. She’s, she’s, you know, they could be very influential, our loved ones on the other side. And it just goes to show you that, you know, you can’t kill energy, we’re spiritual beings having a human human experience. And we’re immortal. So anyone says that we’re mortal, and we’re not. You know, we can be easily whatever. Well, that’s the story but Spirit does live on. I’ve had my grandfather show up in the dream. I’ve had my uncle show up in a dream. I’ve had my father show up in dreams. And, and so anytime I see them in dreams, like if I’m feeling this one, one moment, I think it was around the time Nikki died, and I was feeling so sore. While I was just suffering. I’ve never felt such sorrow. I cried myself to sleep. But I don’t remember ever doing that. Well, maybe when I was a kid, and I wanted to stay up late. But this was a real sorrow. And when I was sleeping in the dream, my father was lying next to me. And he had his hand on my, on my waist. And as I was waking up, he was fading away. And I had the most joyful feeling. It was like a one ad like going to bed circle crying myself to sleep, not knowing why I’m here. I can’t kill myself, you know, why did Nikki get to kill herself and I didn’t. I mean, I was really angry with God about a few things. And, and that morning, I was, I mean, I was skipping, like, I was like, Ooh, like, you know, like jubilation. And I remember calling my sister telling her, I said, I saw her dad, and he came to me last night. Because he came to her too. And you know, he would say to her, you know, everything is going to be okay, don’t worry, everything’s alright. Because my sister used to worry quite a bit. And so it’s I find it comforting when they come to us and let us know that they’re okay, and that they’re watching over us and guiding us and helping us. So bad that, that that has helped me, you know, along with, as far as you know, grief, because No, I don’t think anyone wants to stay in that kind of pain forever. But you know, they say in life, no pain, no gain, which is so true, to be happy all the time and content, we wouldn’t grow, if that was the case. So pain really serves as a catalyst for growth. So once I understood that on a deeper level, I’m like, oh, okay, this all makes sense. To help me so that I can help others and you know, just become stronger.
Victoria Volk 18:36
I’ve been taking notes, because there’s so many good things you mentioned. And I want to circle back to and I love how you said first that you can’t kill energy, like, Okay, I’ve never heard that. No one’s ever said that. You’re the first person that’s ever said it in that way, like about our loved ones who have departed, like their energy that resonates with me. I’m a Reiki Master, and I understand energy and things, but I’d never really thought of it in that way. Right? I want to ask you to so what was your relationship with God Spirit, whatever you call it, if you’re listening to this, what was your relationship with that? That knowing right that you experienced after that moment of standing in the window? What was your relationship before that? Like, did you grow up in a faith based home and
Martika Whylly 19:28
Yeah, my mom was very into going to church every Sunday was with Catholic Catholic religion. And I used to talk to God all the time, and I would hear a voice answer me sometimes in this one particular moment, I was the first year of high school this would have been maybe months before my mom passed. Just as I was dozing off to go to sleep. I heard a voice say, what are the primary colors? And I thought about it for a moment I thought, hmm, red, yellow, blue. I thought about green. I thought no green is yellow and blue together, Orange? No, that’s red and yellow together. So I thought Red, Yellow and Blue. And I heard that’s right. And I thought, Well, why are you asking me this question? And I heard nothing. I went to sleep. You know, the next morning, the first class was our class. And the teacher asked, what are their primary colors? You know, I was too shy to answer that question. Even though I knew the answer. No one wanted to answer. We’re so shy with teenagers are so cute and are so shy. Finally, somebody answered, and we’re all like, you know, we all breathe a sigh of relief. But that was kind of our relationship like this. This one would help me out it would. Like my stepfather, for example, was very abusive. Okay, he used to hit us. And I heard a voice say, The next time He comes out, you run to the front door and go down the stairs. And I did. I did when he tried to come after me. Do you know that he stopped
Martika Whylly 21:00
abusing me after that? And so I don’t know whether at that time, I would call it God. I did not know what that voice was. Because according to the Catholic priest at that time, saying, if you’re hearing a voice, then it’s probably the devil tricking you. You had to be ordained, you had to be male. I mean, it wasn’t said straight out like that. But that’s what the feeling you got. So I remember going home from church one time and asking it, are you the devil? I need to know and that I got no answer. So I came off my bed and I was walking into my room and I heard that the devil. And I thought, even if you are, you’re you’re good. You’re you don’t say anything, you know, to me, for me to do anything harmful to anyone. But after my mom died, the relationship I had with God was a little strange. I thought God had a weird sense of humor, because I did pray for God to help my mom get out of the marriage. And she did. She did get out. But it took her life. And I felt very angry. I used to play a song by Depeche Mode called blaspheme blasphemous rumors, and the chorus went, I don’t want to start any blasphemous rumors. But I think that God’s got a sixth sense of humor. And when I die, I could I expect to find him laughing. And I would play that song over and over again. And I’d say, God, this one’s for you. Yeah, and I would dedicate to God every time. And it was just a stranger. And for a while, I just didn’t believe knowledge. And of course, I stopped going to church, because according to Catholic religion, committing suicide is a is a sin and you go to straight to hell, I never believed my mom went to hell, for wanting to get out of a terrible relationship. So I rejected a lot of what was being said, and I was always kind of, some of it didn’t make any any sense to me. You know, for example, you know, apps, abstaining from sex priests are not allowed to have sexual intercourse. And I thought, well, we’re sexual beings. How are they? If there was, if there were pressing that, I mean, I didn’t know anything at you know, 1011 15, whatever years old. But my intuition was saying that would probably breed abnormal sexual behavior. And then, of course, it started to come out in my early 20s movie called The boys of St. Vincent, which was a believe a Canadian man made for TV movie, and it was about men in their 40s coming out, they were Ultra boys, they were molested by the priest. And that did not surprise me. I did not watch the movie because it just I couldn’t. I just couldn’t, you know, just to thought of it just and then I just left the religion after that, because there were too many contradictions. It didn’t make sense. And I didn’t believe that’s how God was. But now I have a better relationship with spirit. I do talk to God all the time. Whether you call it Jah, Allah, Buddha, Allah, it’s the same thing. It’s spirit source energy. And but yeah, I just turned to it all the time for guidance and wisdom because the world is pretty darn crazy. And yeah, I think it’s so important to listen to your intuition which is spirit talking to that feeling that gut feeling that hunch, whatever you want to call it, because anytime I don’t listen to it, I kick myself. Why did I lock the door before I left now somebody’s broken in. You know, I never liked it before but that one morning and so they should lock it? No, no, I never have seen before. And that’s what happened. Now nothing was taken and even if something was taken, spirit would remind me can’t take anything that you can’t take from someone who always hacks and so if somebody takes something from me spirit, what that voice would say you can’t take from someone who always has and they obviously needed it more than you Did so you just kind of let it go?
Victoria Volk 25:02
I love that. What do you think has been the greatest teacher of your grief? And in all of this?
Martika Whylly 25:11
That’s a good question the thing gone that probably we’re all gonna go that we don’t know when though I mean, it’s we assume that when we’re older that we’re going to go before somebody who’s younger. And that’s always not the case. That’s not always the case I could be hit by a bus tomorrow or some kind of freak accident or have a reaction to something I never thought I would you know, but just knowing that we are spiritual beings. And that we we do still live on we’re still creating in the afterlife because I’ve had conversations with people that Oh, once I’m dead, I’m dead. I’m like, Okay, well, you’re gonna be one of those ghosts, people, you know, that just go into the light. That’s where all the fun is. That’s where God is I’ve experienced
Martika Whylly 26:00
The light, more than one occasion. And most people that have experienced it will say they’re not afraid of death. It’s like, the easiest thing to do. You know, it’s like a breath of fresh air when teacher was saying it’s like, you know, loosening up a tight shoe. It’s my experience of it, because I was so you know, really wanting to go home. I didn’t want to be here. And I’d always talk to God, like, why am Come on, you’ve got all these children, you know, you don’t need all of us here. Like, can I not go home and I did have a glimpse of it. I think spirit was like, Okay, well give me a taste test. It was amazing. All I saw was nothing but light. It was like a soft yellow, but it was everywhere. And that’s all I saw. And that’s and I was I had no body, I was formless. I didn’t have to worry about dressing or eating or paying bills, you know, being anywhere at a certain time. It was amazing. I mean, the words, words are so limiting, compared to the experience. And ever since then, to be honest, I was a little bit more suicidal. And I wasn’t sure if God was just having fun with me. Like, let’s see how this one reacts, you know, give her a taste test, you know, kind of peeking at your Christmas presents the night before and getting really all excited about it. It’s really something to look forward to. I know that sounds morbid, but who really wants to live to be 150 You know, when your body starts to you can’t do anything anymore. So you kind of want that. You just want to be able to experience just going home. And the other thing too, and this was from my father’s passing. We all get a homecoming party. My father about two days after he died came to me in a cloud. And he had his arm stretched out as if to embrace me. And of course, at that time, I was still angry with him. So I pushed him away. But then he’s very determined he came back a few days later. And in the dream he was we were in the kitchen, he was leaning against the counter with the sink, and I was leaning against the other counter. It’s an L shaped counter. And I looked behind where the dining room table was. And there was empty dishes. You know, they were filled, there was crumbs, there was a bit of sauce leftover. And then when I looked around the living room, all the furniture had been pushed against the wall. And there were balloons and streamers and empty glasses and bottles. You could tell a party had taken place. And I looked at him. And I realized, you know, he was trying to invite me to his homecoming party. And I said to them, I’m so sorry, Mr. Party because of my anger. And he said that’s okay, you’re here now, you know, you’re you made it to the after party. And I said, Yeah, that’s right. This is out to the party. And And once that once I forgave him, I started feeling hungry said Is there any anything left over he says no, all foods been eaten, but there’s a bit of popcorn in that bowl behind you. And I looked and there was there was a bowl of popcorn there. And I’m not a huge popcorn eater. And so I looked at the popcorn. I thought popcorn for breakfast because it was morning time. And I said What kind of father you are for your daughter popcorn for breakfast and then he went off about this popcorn for breakfast. And he stormed out of the kitchen. He says You’re so stubborn and I said where do you think I get it from in the dream ended? I woke up. Do you believe it? I was like even though we had a little bit of a spat. It was just, you know, when people spat it’s really their way of loving each other. You know, you see the love behind all the bickering and I thought wow, I saw my father again. That was awesome. And I have now experienced that we do have a homecoming party because I’ve heard it before in other readings if you will other programs that the will have conversations of people that have challenged, channeled other spirits saying yes, we get a homecoming party. And so I’m looking forward to mine. I think it’d be awesome. Everyone’s gonna be there and everyone’s invited. Yeah. Yeah, this homecoming party.
Victoria Volk 30:13
So how do you live with that deep desire to go home?
Martika Whylly 30:18
Oh, well, it’s a well, I tried to remind myself to enjoy this moment, enjoy why I’m here and really kind of do what I’m supposed to do here, if that makes any sense. And sometimes I know, and sometimes I don’t know. Because I think when you make a command to the universe, to spirit use me, you have no idea. Like when I first said that use me when I was 23, because I had seen the light I had had a glimpse of it, this book came out having fun with God. And honestly, there was a day that I kind of I was in a trance, mostly writing it. But one one afternoon I said, Okay, wait a minute, why? Why am I writing? Why? Why aren’t I in the studio producing a genre of music? That’s no one’s ever heard of that, that everyone loves, you know, instead of writing. And then that voice said, while you said I could use you, and I and I totally forgotten, because years had passed, I was in my 20s. Now I’m in my 30s when I was writing, or 40s. And I thought, I said to spirit, I said, But you know, we can reach more people through music than we can through words. And I heard nothing. And I thought, okay, so you want to write fine. And so I continued writing. And I’ve been since then keep saying use me use me. So I have no idea what that’s going to look like. When you when you make a command like that. Because life is always listening. Spirit always hears us and answers our prayers, your wish is my command. And so it’s interesting, I have no idea. All I know is that I enjoy doing the podcasting. I enjoy counseling people with their grief, I enjoy, you know, cleaning and helping those who can’t do for themselves. And who knows where the I mean, I have my own desires and my own plans in my head. But spirit has a way of saying forget that. Here’s what we’re going to do instead. So I’m just kind of going with the godly flow, if you will, I do make plans. But then, you know, that doesn’t mean it’s going to happen. So I really don’t know, you know, how much longer I have or, I mean, I still have the next book to write. In this book. I do give a sample of the book to come, which I still haven’t written yet. I need to get that done. But I’ve also written children’s books, there’s not a they’re not out yet. You know, everything kind of takes time and money. So but yeah, right now, in this moment? Yeah, I’ve been asking for a lot of guidance and wisdom, because of all the changes that have been going on in the world. And you know, what my role is? How can I help others with their grief?
Victoria Volk 32:59
May I ask? Because I’m just personally curious, how has all of this loss in your life and obviously your deep relationship with spirit or God, how is that translated into? This might seem like a weird question, but I don’t know why I’m asking this honestly. But how has that translated into intimacy and relationships with people? Because I curious about that. Because I think what sometimes, what I wonder, too, is when people have such a really strong faith, right, really strong faith. Sometimes people can say to other Grievers, just pray about it, or, you know, and but praying doesn’t, you know, there’s like, it’s an action, right, you’re taking an action, but you don’t get the answer, right. You don’t necessarily get the answer of what to do next, or and I know, it’s like listening to your intuition. And you had said, like, your intuition is really Spirit coming through you. But how is all of this and that deep relationship with spirit translated to because I, what I think can happen sometimes is that we, we get comfortable. And then it can also become a barrier, or like this wall that we put up to other people for intimacy, right. And I’m not talking like love relationships only, although that’s included, but like deep intimacy, because when you’ve had so much loss you can you know what I mean? Be afraid to let yourself connect with people because of out of fear of losing them, too, right?
Martika Whylly 34:44
Yeah. Oh, yeah. I’ve been through that. I’ve been through that too. I don’t want to get too close to people because of you know, you might lose them. Yeah. So I think I’ve experienced that but then that intuition will be saying to me, well, then you’re never going to have really good really internships if you live like that, that’s not living either. You can’t be afraid that everyone around you is going to die constantly be in constant fear of that. So I just try to enjoy the moment as much as I can to look at the person and before me and say, Wow, this is a unique individual this is there’s no one like this person, this one, this one is God, also this person, whether they realize it or not, they’re their own creators of their own lives. So I take try to take that all into consideration. But that is a good question. Because I did at one point, kind of distanced myself, I was accused of having a wall having walls up, you have a wall up, you know, someone would say I’m like, Yeah, okay. And what’s your point? Obviously, I have it up because of protecting myself from the hurt from the pain. This is what you know, writing has helped me with, you know, kind of letting go of the fear, if you will, of someone close to me dying. You know, I mean, recently, I’ve had my cat dad pass away, and I didn’t think he would die. So soon, I thought Ashley would go before Him because Ashley is older. But when I had three cats, so Tasha and Tasha passed, I thought, Okay, so now I’m down to two. And I thought Ashley would go next and that and you know, we can communicate with our cats. He said, No, I’ll be next. And I ignored it. Because I’m thinking, Oh, he’s talking crazy talk. But yes, he did go now. And he’s come to my come to me my dreams. I commanded him to come. I demanded it. I need to see you. And three times he showed up, so he heard me they can hear us. They can hear us on the other side. Oh, yeah. Big time. Yeah, sometimes I lost my mom, I can’t find my bathing suit. Where’s it in there was like I had a flash in my head of where it was. And that’s where it was. So when you when you realize and it’s just part of growing, it’s for me, it’s it helps ease the pain to know that they’re still with us. They’re not really gone. And to be able to talk to them and talk about them from time to time. I mean, some other people might be uncomfortable, but I’m not uncomfortable talking about my mom or dad. You know, I used to be a joke. You know, when people say, Well, where are your parents? And I would say, Well, they both passed, and I say, Well, Mom, I’m an orphan who wants to adopt me. And just because, you know, people would get really serious and I wasn’t in that mode. It wasn’t in that state of being serious. I was in a state of really enjoying my life and enjoying this moment, you’re gonna ask me about something that, you know, was in the past painful, you know, I sometimes make light of it. And then people just look at me like, maybe I’m insensitive. But again, when other people are thinking isn’t really my main concern. I do sometimes do make light of it, you know. But yeah, it’s just, you know, knowing that they’re still there. Like my father haven’t seen him in a while, but I think pretty sure he thinks Okay, she’s alright, I’m gonna go off and do some of this work. Because I know her mom’s there. You know, which is typical, right? Typical male off doing something else. While mother is always watching over. Yeah,
Victoria Volk 38:14
I know. Like, before we recorded you had mentioned, you know, your cats. And the one passing the two passing now. Right?
Martika Whylly 38:14
Yeah Well, yeah, Tasha passed four years ago, but it’s dash passed a couple months ago. But Ashley looks like she she’s an older cat. She’s got the she kind of shakes a bit. You know, you when she said she thinks and try to get her ballot. So and I don’t know how old she is, say adopted her at the Humane Society. And they, I don’t know if they intentionally lied about her age, they might not have known. So they guessed maybe three months. She’s a small cat. I thought she was still a kitten. But after you know, a few months and having her she went into heat, and I’m thinking I don’t know, if kittens go into heat. And you know, but she was yeah, she was older. She’s still the same size. She hasn’t grown any bigger. So that’s what I realized. Okay, so, and I’ve had her for what 16 going on 17 years now. So she’s, she’s up there. She’s up there. But she’s showing, she’s showing the signs, you know, Gold Age. So I know it’s just a matter of time. Before she goes, I don’t want her to go either. I mean, who no one wants anybody going by that’s really not very realistic, so
Victoria Volk 39:30
Well, and like we’ve talked about, the reason why too, I asked, and I kind of just alluded to, but like relationships with love relationships and how sometimes too, like pets can become this, this barrier to that intimacy in other relationships of because animals don’t talk back, right? They don’t disappoint you. They love unconditionally, you know, so that’s kind of partly why I was going that direction in the conversation Do you have anything to share on that, that you’re open to sharing?
Martika Whylly 40:04
Um, well, yeah, I mean, pets are great in that aspect. But then when you when you’re dealing with people, and I remember reading this in the movie, and the book called the mastery of love that, you know, cats are who they are, you don’t expect them to be like dogs. And that’s how people are, you know, if somebody has a certain personality to think that they’re going to change, do, you know another type of personalities, expecting the cat to be like a dog. So it’s just about accepting people where they’re at in their life, and not try to take what they say to you personally, and I’m still working on that. I mean, I mean, I’m still working progress. So I try not to make anything more than it is, I tried to kind of put myself first more and more, which I know others would say that’s really selfish. But I’ve had way too many teachers that are very advanced, when it comes to spirituality say they all say the same thing. Put yourself first love yourself. First, everything begins from within. And once you get that, and kind of tune out all that, oh, you’re supposed to look after me and do all that kind of stuff. looking out for number one is looking out for number two, because if you can’t, you cannot feel from an empty cup, right? Or pour from them in an empty car. So I find when I’m doing this work, because I’m doing this work, I’ve had a lot of people and strangers even, you know, I’m really grateful for the work you do. And I’m like, Thank you. Thank you. Thank you for saying that. So I try to make a point to say that to the guests that are on my podcast, who acknowledged there because it’s not easy. It is not easy at all. It’s very, very draining. I find in the evening times after a certain time, I’m not looking at emails, I’m not checking for messages. It’s my time. Evening time is my time. And if you don’t like it, well, I don’t know. Just deal with it. It’s just my time because I don’t want to be a wake up the next day being irritable and bitchy. Because I’ve done that. I was with family. One time I spent a little month I think down in Florida visiting my sister. She’s got all this a lot of family down there. And I remember feeling really irritated, irritable. And I thought I asked myself what’s going on? Why are you irritable? Are you hungry? Do you need more sleep? If that? No. And then the question was, well, when was the last time you spent some me time, either Ah, that’s what it is. I need to spend some quiet time to myself. And once I did that, I was Narrable anymore. You see what I’m saying? It’s the same thing about being selfish and loving yourself first. So we’ve been taught to give, give, give, give, give, and put other people first and then yourself last. And it’s so backwards. There’s a lot of things we do in this society. That is bad words, for example, we should be mourning birth and celebrating death, instead of the other way around. But that’s not going to change. We’re so entrenched in our customs and fuel our beliefs, but it’s true, we should always be celebrating death, although the reason why we mourn is because we’re left behind. Like anytime I talk to God about, well, you know, a mentor of mine just passed not too long ago, and I’ve been still teary eyed about it. But I’m grateful for him. I mean, he has nothing to worry about anymore. You know, he’s doesn’t have to do anything. But you know, the What about the rest of us? Well, who’s gonna guide us and lead us and who’s going to tell us you know, you know, you know what to do or what not to do. And so, yeah, it just again, lights a bit of a fire under my butt to get out there and do what I need to do before because you don’t know when your time is ready? You don’t know. So I try it’s balanced because there are relationships that have been a little bit toxic and like, Okay, do I reach out to that person or a little bit toxic, you know, I don’t want to, you know, Ricochet back into now I’ve got a, you know, heal all over again, that sort of thing. So again, this is where I kind of go within and listen to that inner voice. Okay, what should I do about this situation? You know, how to how to how to handle this or that that sort of thing?
Victoria Volk 44:23
Can you speak to a little bit what you said about morning birth?
Martika Whylly 44:27
Oh, yeah. Well, by that, well, when we come into this physical realm, we’re separated, if you will, from the light separated from that love that all encompassing love. And we’re having to forget we’re in this forgetfulness of who we are. And sometimes you can go through a whole lifetime and not remember who we are not even be awake. So that’s what I mean by the morning and, you know, going through the trials and tribulations that we all go through, like I mean, some about some of the stories I’ve heard from other people are heartbreaking like this one young man who’s lost his, his mother committed suicide. He’s six months years old. So he never had that, you know, bond with his mom and I just My heart went out to I just wanted to give him a hug. And this is what I mean. And then and then when we pass, well, we’re going right back home, we’re going right back to the love. And so it’s a wonderful experience. But we’re not taught that in the society. We’re not taught about it. We’re taught to fear death. And when you when you don’t fear death, really, it changes the game. I’ve had people like in a jokingly way, you know, because I’m short. And I’m little and you know, you get a coworker just messing with you saying we’re going to do about it may stand over you, right. And I’m like, I smile and say, don’t ever underestimate size. And they look at me like, oh my gosh, she’s crazy. She doesn’t have any fear, you know? And, yeah, but it takes it takes that fear away. When fear is gone, then you could live you can really live and you really, really live you know, and life does to seems to be more richer. When you release all that fear of what’s around the corner, you know, when it’s the fear of the unknown, but once you have a sneak peek, it tastes us if you will the other side and see how awesome it is. It never fear death for me, I wanted it more. But now Now, because that’s been years ago, I still look forward to it. But it’s not something I brag about and announce on a daily basis, because then people would start to think I’m suicidal again, which I’m not. I just know that. Well waits for us is some great reward. You know, it’s it’s awesome. And I always imagined my homecoming party. Everyone, everyone. Yeah, it’d be awesome. Like all the fam, you know, everyone that we know, personally, like famous people, you know, they’re all They’re all all of them welcoming us in the pets, the pets or the pets. I think about the pets. Yeah. So and this is my imagination. Of course, I I have no proof of any of this. But just what I’ve experienced. So this is why I look forward to it. But I don’t want to go before my pets because then I’m concerned okay, well, you know, they’re left behind who’s gonna look after them? That sort of thing. So yeah, I stay around for I wouldn’t want to leave them behind, or any unfinished work that I needed to do behind.
Victoria Volk 47:29
The vision that comes to my mind as I was listening to you talking is it just feels like we’re adults in training pants. And we’re all learning how to come back to that self love. And we’re all learning how to embrace the unconditional love that is there waiting for us. And so many of us look to some outside source for that. And yeah, I just think we’re all in these training pants of that’s what life is is to help you to come back to yourself. And yeah, feel whole in that moment. When you do go to the other side. Perhaps Yeah. Do you consider yourself a highly sensitive person? Empath, highly sensitive?
Martika Whylly 48:17
Yeah, I never used to but I remember reading a few articles about you know what it is to be an empath the signs that feelings and I thought yep, that’s yeah, that’s, yeah, I can. I’m very sensitive. I remember calling one of my mom, she’s I have when my mom died. I had inherited five moms. Okay. Two ads. Lady that helped raise me more one of my mom’s best friend and another lady that adopted me when I was 20 years old. And it was 20. I said to her name’s Diane. And I said, Diane, how old are you? She was I’m 31. I said, Well, I’m 20. That’s only 11 years difference, because oh, let me have this. I’ve always wanted a data. You know, she has her Jamaican accent. And it was heard. I can feel her praying for me. It was one evening and I don’t usually call her in the evenings. It’s usually on weekends. But this one evening, I called her and twizzle. I was just praying for you. And I said, I know that’s why I called. And there was silence. I said, you don’t believe me, do you? Because she’s kind of skeptical about that kind of stuff. A lot of people are. And because now I know I believe you and I’m like, okay, it doesn’t matter. But I called because I felt you’re praying for me. And I wanted to thank you. Yeah, so, but yeah.
Victoria Volk 49:30
Do you think you’re a bit of a medium?
Martika Whylly 49:32
You know, I was talking to a lady that is a medium on my podcast, and I expressed an interest in getting to, to take a course on that and to just fine tune it because a lot of people that grieve the first person, they go to the medium, and then maybe they’ll get the counseling or coaching. So but that’s another thing I’m gonna look into is the medium the Because, yeah,
Victoria Volk 50:01
I think that’s a lot of the reason why people do that is just from conversations I’ve had in the work that I’ve done. And my own personal experience is I think there’s this a lot of incomplete feelings. Right. And so we’re looking for some sort of closure. Resolution, not maybe Ness, closure may might not be the right word. But I think it brings comfort to a lot of people who might be skeptical. What’s on the other side? Right? Like, it could be affirming for them, it could actually make people uncomfortable, like that was that was too much, right? I think you just have to be open to receive. And I think if you’re going to a medium, you’re obviously open to receiving something. Right. But yeah, you’re obviously very open. And that’s why you’ve done the things that you’ve done and had, you know, the experiences you’ve had, this is such a rich conversation. Thank you so much. Is there anything else that you would like to share with my audience?
Martika Whylly 51:07
Well, yes I guess when it comes to death and loss, that you’re not alone. There there lots of resources. There’s Facebook groups, there’s probably maybe groups in the area. I don’t know how things are in the States. I think you’re in the States, and things are opened up, hopefully, because it’s I think it’s best to get together with people so you can get Hugs. Hugs are so therapeutic. Oh, my God, I love hugs. And so but yeah, just asking for the guidance asking for whatever you need, you will get this Ask and you shall receive. It’s so so simple. Like for me, somebody read my book and said to me, Well, you You’re really strong, you’ve got a lot of strength. And after she said that, I thought, Well, where did I get that? And I remember going back to that, and I like I asked for it. I didn’t just ask for it. I demanded it. Oh, yeah, I demanded ultimate. Sometimes I just talked to God, like God’s My servant, give me this. Well, and in a kind way that will just command the strength because I didn’t have strength to carry on. And so I just commanded it. And, and that’s where I got the strength, but you can command anything. Ask for anything.
Victoria Volk 52:20
In Grief Recovery, we talk about? Well, one of the myths of grief is Be strong. And it’s something that, and I’ve asked the question lately on the podcast, like, what does it mean to be strong? Like, what does that really actually mean? Because we can be strong or we can be human? You know, we’re not robots, and to put on a front that I’m fine, and I’m okay. When really inside were a mess, which is okay to write. So I guess what is your answer to that? Like, what does it mean to be strong?
Martika Whylly 52:55
That’s a good question. I think it means acknowledging that you, you aren’t always strong, that, you know, you’re you’re feeling the emotions and allowing the emotions instead of resisting it. You know, if you feel angry, it’s okay, be angry, you know, punch a pillow, go for a walk, I don’t know, do something that will help you relieve that energy, because it’ll affect you physically. You don’t want this ease. Not at this time. But yeah, it’s it just means just allowing yourself to be how you’re feeling. And knowing what you need and knowing also, to what your limitations are. I mean, there, there may be days when you just don’t want to get out of bed. Honor it, honor your feelings, you know, we just honor what it is, whatever it is that you’re feeling, because that is part of the healing. Healing is feeling or feeling is healing. Somebody said that to me once is so true feeling is healing. So for me, that is strength, just knowing what you need and how to honor yourself. And yeah, because some people, they have no clue of how to go about certain things. And but, you know, I do believe our loved ones and spirit are always with us, guiding us whether we realize it or not, we might not see the signs or feel them or sense them, or see them in dreams, but they’re there. They’re there.
Victoria Volk 54:19
So share a little bit where people can connect with you and find your work and work with you. And
Martika Whylly 54:26
Well, they can connect with me via email [email protected] to reach out I also have a website grievewithease.com.
Victoria Volk 54:37
Can they connect with you through your website? You have a contact? Okay,
Martika Whylly 54:40
Yes, I do have contact page on the website. I do have a book called having fun with God. You could either buy it on Amazon get the paperback or you can order get the free ebook on on the website. It’s on the main page and your podcast. Yes, but it was forgotten. Yeah. And I do have a podcast in that’s also everything’s pretty much on the website. They do have all the podcasts you can listen to are on the website as well.
Victoria Volk 55:08
And I will put a link to that in the show notes and also to the couple of the resources you mentioned, as well. Thank you so much for sharing your story Martika and for being my guest today.
Martika Whylly 55:20
Well, thank you for having me. Thank you so much.
Victoria Volk 55:22
And remember, when you unleash your heart, you unleash your life. Much love.