Childhood Grief, Educational, Grieving Voices Guest, Life with Human Design, Parenting, Pespective |
SHOW NOTES SUMMARY:
Are you ready to embark on a journey that could transform your understanding of purpose, parenting, and personal healing?
This week on Grieving Voices, I welcomed Alexandra Cole, a former corporate consultant turned human design coach. After a decade in the Fortune 500 sector, Alexandra pivoted to guiding individuals and families in finding their purpose through human design—a system that combines astrology, I Ching, Kabbalah, and the chakras.
Born in London and raised in Amsterdam with an education from Princeton University, she now resides in Santa Barbara with her husband and young son. Her journey into motherhood inspired “Thriving by Design,” a toolkit designed for parents to understand their child’s unique traits.
Alexandra shares her personal story of loss—losing her mother at age ten—and how it shaped her emotional world. She explains how understanding one’s own human design can be instrumental during grief and aiding parents to align better with their children’s innate designs.
She discusses the five energy types within human design: Manifestors (initiators), Projectors (guides), Generators, & Manifesting Generators (consistent workers who need joy-based work). Each type has different ways of investing energy for fulfillment and purpose. The conversation also delves into parenting aligned with your child’s energy type—such important information and particularly helpful when parenting grieving children.
This insightful discussion highlights how embracing our inherent nature according to our human design can lead us toward more authentic and aligned lives.
If you’re curious about how your unique blueprint can shape your way forward—in joyous times or challenging ones—I encourage you to learn your human design and listen to this episode because sometimes the most authentic path is the one that is tailor-made just for us.
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CONNECT WITH VICTORIA:
Unlocking the Power of Human Design in Grieving, Parenting, and Self-Discovery
In today’s fast-paced world, where change is constant and life often throws us curveballs, understanding ourselves and our loved ones can sometimes feel like deciphering an enigmatic puzzle. But what if there was a blueprint—a design—that could help us navigate these complexities with greater ease? Enter Human Design, a revolutionary system that combines ancient wisdom with modern science to offer profound insights into our personalities.
Recently on Grieving Voices, we had the pleasure of hosting Alexandra Cole—once a corporate consultant for Fortune 500 companies who has now found her calling as a human design coach. With her international background and diverse experiences shaping her approach to coaching, she shared how human design has become an invaluable tool for personal growth during grief, enhancing parenting techniques, and managing life’s myriad challenges.
The Transformation Journey: From Corporate Consulting to Human Design
Alexandra’s journey from advising corporations to coaching individuals speaks volumes about the transformative power of purpose. Her work through “Thriving by Design” demonstrates how aligning one’s career with their inner calling can lead not only to personal fulfillment but also make significant impacts on others’ lives.
Understanding Ourselves Through Grief
Grief is unique to every individual; it shapes itself around each person’s energy type. Alexandra emphasizes that knowing your human design can reveal personalized paths for healing when you’re navigating loss or adversity. For example:
– **Manifestors** may need solitude to initiate their own grieving process.
– **Projectors** might seek deep understanding before they can find closure.
– **Generators** require activities that reignite their spark amidst sorrow.
– **Manifesting Generators**, much like generators but with added complexity due to their multifaceted nature.
– Lastly,** Reflectors**, whose sensitivity means they deeply mirror those around them—and thus may absorb collective grief which needs careful navigation.
By recognizing these patterns within ourselves based on our energy types in times of mourning or crisis—we allow space for compassion towards self-healing journeys tailored just right for us.
Parental Guidance Enhanced by Human Design
Parenting is arguably one of life’s most challenging yet rewarding roles—and here too human design offers remarkable guidance. By acknowledging each child’s unique energy type (be it Manifestor or Reflector), parents are better equipped at fostering environments where children thrive authentically rather than conforming them into ill-fitting societal molds.
For instance:
– Encourage your child when you see them light up doing something they love—this physical response signals alignment with their true nature.
– Recognize that while Generators have abundant energy reserves—they must be wary not becoming ‘yes people’, overcommitting themselves away from joyous pursuits
– Understand Reflectors’ need for supportive surroundings given their heightened sensitivities reflecting back the health—or dis-ease—of communities around them
This knowledge doesn’t just cultivate healthier relationships between parent-child dynamics; it paves the way toward nurturing well-rounded individuals grounded in self-awareness from early stages onward.
Better Relationships Through Energetic Understanding
Human design isn’t limited solely to introspection—it extends outwardly enrichening relational dynamics too! Partnerships benefit immensely when both parties respect differing energetic requirements (imagine respecting your partner’s need for dynamic mornings versus quiet evenings). This framework fosters deeper empathy & effective communication leading towards harmonious co-existence amid diversity in temperaments & preferences alike!
Resources at Your Fingertips
Alexandra provides multiple avenues through which anyone interested can delve further into this transformative field:
1) Personal sessions via alexandracole.com
2) Wellness products including customized reports at thrivingbydesign.com
3) Her book “The Purpose Playbook”, guides readers towards living out authentic purposes
These resources serve as tools aiding one along paths whether seeking solace during grief-stricken times or simply aspiring towards more aligned living overall – all underscored by honoring inherent uniqueness above external expectations thrust upon us!
As we wrapped up our conversation filled with gratitude & enlightenment —it became clear why nurturing individuality holds paramount importance across facets ranging from parenting strategies down even unto embracing personal narratives woven uniquely within tapestries called ‘life’.
To live authentically—isn’t just sound advice—it’s foundational ethos empowering thriving existences no matter what storms come ashore!
Episode Transcription:
Victoria Volk
00:00:00 – 00:00:27
Thank you so much for tuning in to grieving voices. I’m very excited to, bring a guest. We haven’t had a guest in a little while here on the podcast. And today, Alexandra Cole is joining me. She is a former corporate consultant turned human design coach after a decade of helping fortune 500 identify and articulate their why she pivoted to help individuals, families, and couples do the same.
Victoria Volk
00:00:27 – 00:01:18
She uses human design as a tool to help her clients pursue their purpose with more clarity and confidence. Alexander is passionate about translating insights from her clients, human design charts into actionable strategies for optimizing their relationships, well-being, careers, finances, and family life. She was born in London, raised in Amsterdam, educated at Princeton University, and now lives in Santa Barbara, California with her husband and 2 year old son. Becoming a mother inspired her to create thriving by design, a collection of tools, cheat sheets, and online courses designed to give parents insight into their child’s unique sensitivities, preferences, and gifts, as well as tactical tips for how to support them. Alexandra is happiest when moving her body, eating good food, exploring new places, and in deep conversation with new or old friends.
Victoria Volk
00:01:19 – 00:01:35
I love that. I love deep conversation too. And I love human design, and I honestly can’t even remember how I got into your sphere, but I did. And you share the same name as my middle Alexandra. I love the name.
Victoria Volk
00:01:35 – 00:01:53
Beautiful name. But there was something I found interesting when I was looking into, I don’t know, I opened an email, then you you know, you get down a rabbit hole. And then I found your wellness. The wellness design report or well by well by design report. And that’s how we kind of connected.
Victoria Volk
00:01:53 – 00:02:30
And I’m just thinking, like, gosh, this would be a really good topic for to bring on the podcast for people, especially particularly grievers who, you know, sometimes you just don’t know what you need. And this well by design report can be a good place to start. Like, if I just wanna feel better, how can I feel better that is aligned with who I am and how I was created and how I was made? Right? And, and I absolutely love also the idea of arming parents with information and knowledge to help them be let’s see.
Victoria Volk
00:02:30 – 00:02:37
What’s the word I wanna use? A more aligned parent for their child.
Alexandra Cole
00:02:32 – 00:02:32
Yeah. 100%
Victoria Volk
00:02:33 – 00:02:37
Based on their child’s design. Right?
Alexandra Cole
00:02:37 – 00:02:37
Mhmm.
Victoria Volk
00:02:38 – 00:03:00
Because if youngest is 15, if I would have known what I know now about human design, about my own design, about my kids, All 3 of them are manifesting generators. I’m a manifester. Like, I was exhausted. Like, motherhood, like, totally exhausted me to the point where, like, you can question, like, oh my god.
Victoria Volk
00:03:00 – 00:03:02
What did I sign up for?
Alexandra Cole
00:03:03 – 00:03:12
I can only imagine. I have one little manifesting generator, and that’s already a lot. I can’t imagine having 3 of them running around.
Victoria Volk
00:03:12 – 00:03:16
And they’re all, like, the first 2 or 18 months apart and the yeah.
Alexandra Cole
00:03:16 – 00:03:16
Wow.
Victoria Volk
00:03:16 – 00:03:20
Yeah. I had 3 under in 5 under 5 years. So
Alexandra Cole
00:03:20 – 00:04:21
That’s impressive. Especially as a manifester, that is incredibly impressive. And, I mean, I would also say too, from a grief perspective, I think both of us lost a parent very young in life. And if I had understood my design better or if, God forbid, anything like that ever happens in my immediate family, having human design as a tool to just better understand a child’s emotional world and how they’re designed to navigate these types of major traumas and just life changing events, especially when it comes to kind of your environment and how that shifts. It allows you to show up in a much more kind of supportive way for that child because you know exactly kind of what their patterning is and how to, yes, align with that and support that in how you are tending to them and caring for them.
Victoria Volk
00:04:21 – 00:04:39
I really wanna get to your story in how you got to where you are in with human design and how this all came to be. And so would you please take us back in time and to that loss and how like, what transpired in the in between?
Alexandra Cole
00:04:40 – 00:05:22
Oh, man. That loss was early on and probably well before, obviously, human design even was at all in my kind of frame of reference, but I lost my mom to breast cancer at age 10. I’m the oldest of 3 kids, and at the time, we were living in the Netherlands. And my dad did an incredible job of kind of stepping in and trying to play Mom and Dad, we were surrounded by an incredible support system. So all things considered, I look back and can only feel grateful in a way for having experienced it in the way that I did.
Alexandra Cole
00:05:22 – 00:06:25
But nonetheless, right, at 10 years old, experiencing such a huge loss, especially as the eldest child, I think, forced me to grow up very very quickly and forced me to kind of grapple with some of these, like, bigger life questions, a lot earlier on than the average 10 year old, let’s say. So I think I was quite a mature teenager in terms of my life experience, but also kind of, like, my way of connecting and understanding others. And especially when it came to my emotional world, I was very aware of all the emotions I was feeling. I just didn’t necessarily feel like it was appropriate for me to express those anymore because I wanted to be strong for my family. So for a good 8 years, I shut down my own kind of emotional response and probably a huge part of that grieving process.
Alexandra Cole
00:06:26 – 00:07:01
Until fast forward at 18, I moved from the Netherlands to the United States, and my mom had actually studied in the United States. So it was kind of a little bit of, like, following in her footsteps. And I get here, and within the 1st year, I fall madly in love with this American man. And it was the first time since losing my mom that I had this huge fear of losing this individual and the impact that that might have. And it kind of actually opened the door for me to experience grief because I was, 1, I think, far enough removed from my family where I felt like I could do that.
Alexandra Cole
00:07:01 – 00:07:55
And 2, I had this trigger of someone I cared so deeply about, and the thought of losing him was, like, such a kind of miserable like, the the pain was, like, so great associated with that that I allowed myself to finally grieve, and I think I cried. Like, basically, I made up for those 8 years of not shedding a tear. And this poor man, who I’m now married to, so I can I can say this? Like, he was incredible, but he probably didn’t understand everything that I was kind of processing and going through at the moment itself. Anyway, fast forward a few years, I graduated college and picked the path of least resistance in the sense that I very much went down the road that I felt like everyone expected me to and that I felt pressured to in a way, which was a very kind of corporate path in management consulting.
Alexandra Cole
00:07:56 – 00:08:29
And I kinda had most of my life planned out. I was a very kind of a logical, rational thinker when it came to kind of where I thought I was heading. And maybe that was also part of all of those years of kind of shutting down that emotional world even though my emotions, especially according to human design, are my most trustworthy inner compass. I just wasn’t listening to them. A few years into that career, a friend of mine asked me to help her brainstorm a new business idea that she had.
Alexandra Cole
00:08:30 – 00:09:09
And I would meet with her before work. I would meet with her after work, and I was doing 12 to 16 hour days. So this was like a commitment to meet with her, but I became so passionate about what it was that she was working on to the point that she eventually asked me to leave my job and cofound this company with her. And I think I thought about it for maybe a few days and felt this full body just yes in response to it. It was a complete conviction that this was what I was meant to do, and it came from this place of genuine excitement and passion.
Alexandra Cole
00:09:10 – 00:09:28
And it was such a departure from how I had lived my life before, which was very much kind of like, mind oriented that the fact and I did. I ended up leaving my job, starting this company with her, and we had no clients. We had no track record. We had no funding. We had no experience.
Alexandra Cole
00:09:28 – 00:10:07
Nothing. We made it all work, but it was a few months after that that I reflected on this this leap and how I was able to make it with so much confidence and conviction when really there was, you know, no logical reason to do so. And it set me on this path of self development, trying to better understand what that was inside of me and why I finally allowed that to make the decision instead of the kind of rational brain. And that’s what ultimately led me to discover human design, which told me, like, hey. Listen.
Alexandra Cole
00:10:07 – 00:10:52
You’re actually here to listen to your gut, to listen to your emotions. And the more I started leaning into that, the more myself I felt. Like, I had I realized that for those past, like, 10, 12 years, I had been kind of a you know, trying again to live up to this expectation that I thought other people had of me, of who I needed to be for them in that moment, and had lost the essence of who I was along the way. And so that’s really what human design allowed me to do. And after several years of just kind of using it to heal myself and to allow myself to grieve in many ways, I started using it with other people, friends and family at first.
Alexandra Cole
00:10:52 – 00:11:14
And over the course of a few years, it kind of blossomed into this side hustle and then something more than a side hustle. And now here I am working with clients every day, helping them better understand, you know, the most aligned use of their energy and how to become a more authentic version of themselves.
Victoria Volk
00:11:15 – 00:11:56
I’m curious too for you. I’m sure I already know the answer. But what if what human design has helped me to is to better understand the environment in which I lived with the people that I shared it with. Right? So for instance, especially a parent, you know, if you don’t have their exact details, you know, birthplace and things like that, it can be a little difficult, but what did that give you when you, when you started to learn more about human design and, and for being so young and losing your mother, did it help you to really get to know her in a way that you couldn’t because she’d passed, you know, through her human design?
Alexandra Cole
00:11:57 – 00:12:06
Such a good question. Yes. It did really help me with that. And, also, it helped me see certain parts of myself that I share with her. Right?
Alexandra Cole
00:12:06 – 00:12:47
And also understand why certain aspects of her are so memorable to me and other parts, you know, you it’s it’s hard for you to understand unless someone else kinda tells a story and you’re like, like, oh, right. I guess she was like that too. One thing that human design really helped me understand, though, is the fact that so my dad is also an emotional. He’s an emotional manifesting generator, and my brother and sister are non emotionals. And so for people who aren’t familiar with human design, what this means is that both my dad and I experience the world first and foremost through our own emotional lens.
Alexandra Cole
00:12:47 – 00:13:34
Like, we have this inherent emotional bias about how we are experiencing everything around us. And we feel our own emotions first and foremost, and they’re very much supposed to inform how we operate. My brother and sister, they feel other people’s emotions first and foremost. So their kind of experience of the world is more shaped by other people’s emotions, and they sometimes have a harder time distinguishing where they end and where someone else begins. And I think with if you think about our kind of family unit, obviously, my dad is going through an insurmountable amount of grief and was making a concerted effort to actually share that grief with us.
Alexandra Cole
00:13:34 – 00:13:43
Right? He took the approach of, I wanna be open with my kids. I wanna talk about how sad I am. Right? And so he did that.
Alexandra Cole
00:13:44 – 00:14:09
But because both my brother and sister are open emotions, they were incredibly sensitive to that. So they picked up on everything and then started kind of absorbing it and carrying that weight. And I think as a 10 year old, I intuitively saw that and decided, you know, there’s not there’s no space for another emotional in this family. Right? Like, I can’t do that same thing.
Alexandra Cole
00:14:09 – 00:15:00
So I’m just gonna kind of, like, shut mine down so that my dad can have that space and we can kind of all absorb or at least maybe even with my siblings. Like, I’m gonna try and shield them from my dad’s emotions, right, instead of add to that kind of, like, fire hose effect. Like, recognizing that and the role that made forced me to play has been really helpful, not just in kind of making sense of kind of my journey, but also making sense in my relationship with my dad and why certain things that he does trigger me so much. Right? And so I think those that, especially in these past kind of 5 years in becoming a mom, I’ve reflected on this a lot, and human design has definitely been, invaluable in that process.
Victoria Volk
00:15:02 – 00:15:05
And how has that shaped how you parent your son?
Alexandra Cole
00:15:05 – 00:15:37
So my son is also an emotional, and my husband is a nonemotional. So I think just knowing what I know about human design, the biggest takeaway here is that kids, a lot of it is nature. Right? They come into this world with a certain set of patterns and behaviors and sensitivities. And as parents, there’s this tendency to want to kind of manage and control that.
Alexandra Cole
00:15:37 – 00:15:55
And we think that’s that we’re protecting them in a way. Right? We think we’re we’re setting them up for success. But, really, what I’ve learned is that the best thing you can do as a parent is kind of do less. Like, step back and allow them to kind of grow into that little human they’re designed to be.
Alexandra Cole
00:15:55 – 00:16:40
And having their human design chart makes that much easier because you can kind of see, oh, wait. Actually, they’re living their design because especially when who they’re designed to be might be different from you or opposite from you in terms of how their emotions work or how they’re designed to communicate or make decisions. We only know what we know and we look at the world again through that kind of, like, biased lens. And so when you’re raising a child, it’s really hard to let go of that, and human design has allowed me to do that. So, for example, when my son has an emotional reaction to something, and he’s a very emotional child because his first reaction is always gonna be this, like, big emotional outburst.
Alexandra Cole
00:16:40 – 00:16:48
My husband’s response to that typically is, you’re okay. You’re okay. You’re okay. There’s no need cry. No tears.
Alexandra Cole
00:16:48 – 00:17:10
No tears. Right? Like, that’s just because he is not emotional, so he doesn’t understand the significance of allowing yourself to kind of feel those feelings. I, on the other hand, and now I’ve also, you know, not trained, but coached my husband to respond in a similar way, I will just give my son a big hug and say, let it out. Let’s ride this emotional wave together.
Alexandra Cole
00:17:10 – 00:17:34
Right? Like, tell me what you’re feeling. Tell me what happened. Right? And I don’t ever try to shut that down because I know that this if I start to kind of manipulate his emotional experience, he is gonna lose it’s like losing a limb, right, for him because it’s such an important way of how he is designed to make sense of the world.
Alexandra Cole
00:17:35 – 00:17:50
And if he doesn’t feel like he can trust it or he feels like it’s wrong to respond emotionally, he’s gonna do what I did for 8 years and pay the price. So that’s just one small example of how I’m using this as a parent.
Victoria Volk
00:17:50 – 00:17:57
And when it comes to grief, that is a massively important example. Massively.
Alexandra Cole
00:17:57 – 00:17:57
Yes. Yeah
Victoria Volk
00:17:58 – 00:18:15
And if you if your child is a manifester, good luck to you. Oh. I know. You know, I’ve learned, like, I was probably just an some sort of enigma to my mother. Like but you know what?
Victoria Volk
00:18:15 – 00:18:23
I learned that my mother was is a projector, which I was like, woah. That makes sense.
Alexandra Cole
00:18:24 – 00:18:47
Yeah. That makes so much sense. And that’s one of the things that I love about human design is it does give it allows you to see other people in a much more objective way, where you can start to understand, oh, this is why I must have been so challenging for my mom. Right? And it is just it doesn’t excuse any behavior.
Alexandra Cole
00:18:47 – 00:19:25
It just gives you a different lens through which to kind of witness and observe and see the things that happened, because, yeah, as a manifester, right, part of what you’re here to do is to trigger people, like, in a way. Right? Like, you are here to challenge people. And sometimes that can feel really uncomfortable. And if as a parent, you’re not cut out for that or you don’t know how to handle that and you’re not aware of where that’s coming from, it can be really challenging.
Alexandra Cole
00:19:25 – 00:19:41
And she would just have wanted to kind of shut your manifesting tendencies down. Right? Or in an effort to protect you, she’s like, you can’t be this big. I need to, like, I need to limit this person. I need to kind of, like, you know, encourage them to control it.
Alexandra Cole
00:19:42 – 00:19:52
Exactly. Exactly. When, really, what a manifester kid needs to be able to do is, like, do their thing. And with complete freedom, throw a tantrum. Right?
Alexandra Cole
00:19:52 – 00:20:12
Like, let it out, get angry, and move on. But if you tell them, like, you can’t do that, that’s not appropriate, That manifestor is gonna grow up to be a shell of who they actually could be. Because, again, they don’t trust any of those, like, inner voices that are communicating to them constantly or trying to.
Victoria Volk
00:20:13 – 00:20:27
Amen to that. I can tell you wholeheartedly. Because I first discovered human design, like, a little over a year ago.
Alexandra Cole
00:20:20 – 00:20:20
Wow!
Victoria Volk
00:20:20 – 00:20:26
So it has been like yeah.
Alexandra Cole
00:20:27 – 00:20:27
Yeah.
Victoria Volk
00:20:27 – 00:20:53
Mind blowing. So since we’re on this topic, can you quickly run down do a rundown of, like, the child You describe the child manifestor because that’s what I am. But can you quickly just kinda describe the other types, energy types.
Alexandra Cole
00:20:40 – 00:20:40
Yeah.
Victoria Volk
00:20:40 – 00:20:53
Children, for people who are listening, who may feel like there’s I I think this can help with conflict within parent child dynamics. So I think it’s I’m glad the conversation went here.
Victoria Volk
00:20:53 – 00:20:53
So.
Alexandra Cole
00:20:54 – 00:21:20
Absolutely. And as I describe it too, this also applies to adults, and to inner children. Like, a lot of the time when I talk about when I, you know, share content through that parenting lens, I get responses from people that say, you know, this helped me so much to heal my inner child Mhmm. And trauma that I experienced as a kid, just understanding what that, like, little version of me must have been experiencing in that moment. So there’s 5 energy types.
Alexandra Cole
00:21:20 – 00:22:13
And just kind of at a very high level, this whole system, human design, essentially, it’s based on your birth time date and place and the energetic frequency that was present in the exact moment you took your first breath. And you wanna imagine it’s like you were imprinted with this energetic frequency. And the chart itself is like that, like, blueprint to how your energy is designed to operate in the most authentic and the most effortless way. Right? Like, when you are listening to that blueprint and operating in alignment with it, there’s this element of flow to life where you’re still gonna encounter challenging situations, but you’ll move through them with a sense of confidence and conviction and trust in your own kind of inner authority to be able to overcome those things.
Alexandra Cole
00:22:14 – 00:23:12
So the foundation of this system is something that we call an energy type, and I often describe it as, like, the outer layer of the onion where there are so many more nuanced layers to the system that get into an incredible amount of detail in terms of, you know, how you’re designed to eat, the types of environments that are most supportive for you, how you’re designed to communicate and emote and all those things. But the first piece to understand is your energy type. There’s 5 different energy types, and each type has a slightly different way of investing energy in order to get the greatest return on that investment in terms of fulfillment and purpose and reward. So we talked about the manifestor and the manifestor little kid. Manifestors, their energy is designed to be quite extreme in terms of highs and lows.
Alexandra Cole
00:23:12 – 00:23:55
Like, they’ll have these, like, huge creative emotional bursts where literally they can go for days on this, like, energetic high, and then it’ll come crashing down and they will need to rest, reset, recharge. But, ultimately, that’s because manifestor’s role in this world is to initiate, to create things, to challenge that status quo and initiate newness and novelty. And so you need a lot of, like, powerful energy to do that, and you also need to not give a damn about everyone else around you. And that’s that triggering piece that I was talking about. And that’s why when you meet a little manifestor kid, they’re just off doing their thing.
Alexandra Cole
00:23:55 – 00:24:04
Right? Like, they get this urge. They need to, you know, dig a hole in the garden. And they just grab the shovel, and they just start digging. Right?
Alexandra Cole
00:24:04 – 00:24:27
They’re not here to ask for permission. They’re not here to look for validation. They’re just here to follow those urges and convictions. And as a parent, again, that can be really triggering because we’re told we have to control our kids, and our kids’ behavior is a reflection on us. And so when that kid just grabs that shovel without asking and starts digging, your immediate reaction is, hey.
Alexandra Cole
00:24:27 – 00:24:54
You didn’t you didn’t ask me. We can’t just do that. Right? And so you can imagine how that leads to a lot of pressure and conditioning for that child to not be themselves and to adapt and adjust. And suddenly, these manifestors start to ask for permission and look for validation, which prevents them from starting the magical movements and things that they are supposed to.
Alexandra Cole
00:24:54 – 00:25:37
So that’s the manifestor kit. Then the second kind of, group I’d like to talk about are projectors. So projectors make up about 20% of the population, and projectors are very much the kind of guides. So if manifestors are here to kind of initiate and be the spark, Projectors are here to refine and guide and optimize. And so projectors actually have a much more moderate ebb and flow of energy, and they are really most effective when they can focus on one thing at a time and dedicate themselves to something for a short intense burst of time, and then they too need to kind of rest and reset.
Alexandra Cole
00:25:37 – 00:26:15
So projector kids are the types of kids that, one, are gonna be fascinated by how things work and kind of optimizing or understanding how to, kind of improve or better something. Like, they love fixing and solving things. And they’re gonna be able to kind of sit quietly working on a puzzle or with some type of toy for that, like, kind of short intense burst of time. And then they’re going to need to kind of rest their mind and sit back and almost observe. Right?
Alexandra Cole
00:26:15 – 00:26:50
There’s a there’s a lot of power for a projector in just being free to observe instead of there being pressure to actually create or output. Projectors sometimes, though, because they have that ability to see how something can be done better, they can come across as quite critical. And if they tend to kind of share their insights and observations without being invited to do so, it can come across as a little bit of a, like, know it all. Right? Or, again, overly, like, a glass half-empty kind of thing.
Alexandra Cole
00:26:50 – 00:27:44
And so for projectors, the name of the game is really learning to wait for that invitation, to wait to be recognized, to wait to be acknowledged, to wait for someone to kind of celebrate your ability to problem solve or your natural gifts that all projectors have and kind of invite you to share those. So if you have a projector child, really being mindful that, like, all they want is for you to see them clearly and for you to invite them to share their gifts. They’re not here to go and initiate in the same way that manifestors are. They’re really here to be a little bit more passive until you invite them in. And they also are gonna need a lot of alone time, and they are going to do best when they have your 1 on 1 attention as opposed to, you know, bigger groups of people, which can be quite overwhelming for that projector initially.
Alexandra Cole
00:27:44 – 00:28:34
Now we get to the largest cohort of people, and that is the generators and the manifesting generators. So these two groups together make up about 70% of the population, and that’s because this group’s energy is very consistent. These generators and manifesting generators are here to almost act as, like, the motors of society in the sense that they have this ability to apply themselves in a very consistent, persistent way to things. And they don’t have that ebb and flow as much as the manifestors and the projectors do. Now for generators and manifesting generators, it’s really important that they are applying that energy to think that excitement excite them and bring them joy.
Alexandra Cole
00:28:34 – 00:29:01
So for them, it’s a really kind of physical response that they will feel towards something. Even, you know, if you have a generator, a manifesting generator child, pay attention to what their body does when they are loving what they’re doing. Right? Whether it’s they’re eating their favorite food and you hear them just go, like, mmm, they, like, start making noises. Or my son, when he’s doing something that he really enjoys, he starts to rock back and forth.
Alexandra Cole
00:29:01 – 00:29:28
Right? Or he does this, like, happy dance. It’s a very physical response. And so as a parent, pay attention to where what gives your kids that physical response because that’s a clear telltale sign that they’re meant to do more of it, that it’s a great use of their time and energy. When generators and manifesting generators are forced to do things that don’t really excite them or light them up, it’ll be quite draining.
Alexandra Cole
00:29:28 – 00:30:35
But because they have that consistent source of energy, they don’t necessarily hit that point of burnout like a manifestor or a projector will. And so what’s really hard is that most adult generators and manifesting generators have been conditioned to basically be these martyrs that say yes to every request, do a lot of stuff for other people because it makes that other person happy, and they happen to have the energetic capacity to do so. But they’ve lost touch with what actually brings them joy and what excites them. And so they’re operating at, you know, 50 to 60% of their full potential, and that full potential can only be accessed when they prioritize their own joy and excitement. And so as a parent of a young generator and manifesting generator, helping them recognize that, helping them realize that, like, they don’t have to say yes to doing what other people want them to do, and it is completely valid to prioritize their own needs and what brings them joy, even over yours as the parent.
Alexandra Cole
00:30:35 – 00:31:11
Right? Like, that’s a really important lesson for them to learn. The slight difference between these two types is that whereas generators can be a little bit more focused in their application of energy, manifesting generators are nonlinear beings, and that they have a little bit of that manifestor erratic nature while they will move very quickly from one interest to the other, and they love a variety of things. And they’re like I mean, with my son, for example, I’ve learned to never clean up after him because I think he’s done. And I then, as the generator mom, I’m like, okay.
Alexandra Cole
00:31:11 – 00:31:34
I’m gonna start to organize and clean this up. But, actually, he wants to circle back to it an hour from now after he’s, like, pulled out another 5 other toys. Right? And when we’re on an airplane, I have to have, like, you know, 20 different activities versus if I had a projector child, maybe I just need 3 and he could play with each for an hour. My son needs to just, like, constantly cycle through things.
Alexandra Cole
00:31:35 – 00:32:16
So that’s the generator manifesting generator, and then the very last type is a reflector. And reflectors are just as the name suggests. They’re like these magical unicorn snowflake kids that are highly sensitive and really designed to reflect the health and well-being of whatever community that they are a part of. So they are the product of their environment in many ways, And a reflector is like a mirror. So, if you have a reflector in your family, looking at them and how they’re doing and how they’re showing up and what their health and well-being is like is going to tell you what’s going on with the rest of the family.
Alexandra Cole
00:32:17 – 00:32:44
Because they are constantly absorbing everyone else’s energy, emotions, fears. Right? All of that. And in a way, they are then reflecting that back to you. And so for reflector children, it’s really important for them to understand how to manage this hypersensitivity because it can really throw you.
Alexandra Cole
00:32:44 – 00:33:12
Right? Because you can be feeling totally good, and then one person walks into the room. Right? Or one kid comes to class that day and is dealing with something really, really and you don’t even know what it is, but you feel in your body suddenly this grief or pain or anger that isn’t yours, and yet you’re still experiencing it as if it is. And so that’s something that is a lot for a little child to handle.
Alexandra Cole
00:33:12 – 00:33:57
And you might notice that reflectors do get sick more frequently. They do feel overwhelmed a lot depending and they’re very sensitive to environment, people as well as just, like, the energy and the vibe of the setting that they’re in. So as a parent, the best thing that you can do with a Reflector Child is teach them that a lot of the time what they’re experiencing isn’t actually theirs to carry. Right? And, also, be super mindful of, like, what are the environments and people that they seem most at peace around, and how can I make sure we’re spending most of our time in those types of places and avoiding the people that seem to, like, have the greatest triggering effect on them?
Victoria Volk
00:33:58 – 00:33:59
That was a lot.
Alexandra Cole
00:33:59 – 00:33:59
I know.
Victoria Volk
00:34:00 – 00:34:00
Thank you so much.
Victoria Volk
00:34:00 – 00:34:15
No. In a good way. In a in a good way because I hope people listening can are reflecting on their own lives and take from what you shared and apply it. And, hopefully, they already know their body type or their energy type.
Alexandra Cole
00:34:15 – 00:34:16
Energy type.
Victoria Volk
00:34:16 – 00:34:38
Yep. And or have their design. Right? They know their design. And if you don’t, I’m gonna put a link in the show notes where you can find that information out and then come back and listen to this again and find your children’s human design and listen to this, like, 2 or 3 times if you have to really take in what was shared because I think it’s so important.
Victoria Volk
00:34:38 – 00:34:49
The stuff that we I can’t even imagine being a reflector. Like, that just sounds so exhausting to me. Do I even know a reflector? I don’t even know if I know a reflector.
Alexandra Cole
00:34:50 – 00:34:54
I mean, they’re 1 only 1% of the population. So it’s possible that you don’t.
Victoria Volk
00:34:54 – 00:34:57
Well, in manifestors are, like, 9%. Right?
Alexandra Cole
00:34:57 – 00:34:57
Mmm.Yup
Victoria Volk
00:34:57 – 00:35:08
So we’re kind of a rare breed too in a way, but no. Thank you so much for all of that. It’s just good for me. I’ve heard it, you know, I’ve heard it in other ways. And it’s when you hear it a different way, it’s just yeah.
Victoria Volk
00:35:08 – 00:35:27
I really love that. So thank you so much. I wanna go back to, like, your story though, and, like, how this all kind of played out, like, so with your relationship so when you first met your now husband, did you know his human design? Were you into human design? Not not at that time.
Victoria Volk
00:35:27 – 00:35:28
Not yet.
Alexandra Cole
00:35:28 – 00:35:30
Nope. Not yet at all.
Victoria Volk
00:35:30 – 00:35:30
Yeah.
Alexandra Cole
00:35:31 – 00:35:56
Yep. And it’s been I I often credit human design to, you know, the fact that we still have a thriving relationship now 16 years later. Because neither of us were really planning on meeting our person that young. We still wanted to do a lot and travel a lot. And we, especially him, needed a lot of freedom to explore all those things before we settled down.
Alexandra Cole
00:35:56 – 00:36:29
So we didn’t get married until 10 years after we met, and then we took another few years before we had our son. But learning about his human design allowed me to be such a better partner for him because up until I learned about it, there were certain aspects. So he’s a projector, right, which, like I said, projectors need a lot of alone time. And I remember so distinctly, even in college too, you know, we’d have these, like, free afternoons. And my immediate response was, great.
Alexandra Cole
00:36:29 – 00:36:50
Let’s go do something. And you could tell he did not want to. Sometimes he kind of appeased me, but most of the time, it’s like, I just I just kinda wanna be by myself in my room. And I could not understand, and I would take it personally. So I would assume, oh, he’s not into me or he’s not into me as much as I’m into him.
Alexandra Cole
00:36:50 – 00:37:25
Right? And when I discovered that he was a projector, it all made so much sense. And I could finally stop taking those things personally because he would just sit in his room and watch a movie. And in my head, I’m like, well, I could just watch the movie with you, but it wouldn’t have been the same. Like, he really needed to be in his own aura, his own energy in order to fully recharge from the just busyness of being in college and playing a sport and you know, the whole social scene and life, like, that was really important for him.
Alexandra Cole
00:37:25 – 00:38:27
And I wish I knew in college because it would have saved me a lot of anxiety. But especially now also, you know, becoming parents and understanding, for example, that for a projector, starting his day slowly is really really supportive and allows him to show up more fully as a dad and as a partner later on in the day. Whereas for me, as a generator, I kind of wake up and immediate this is not true for all generators, but for me, I kind of have this, like, you know, steady current of energy that I can use as a parent. And so I take the majority of the morning shifts because I know that then later on, if I need him around dinner time, my husband’s gonna be present and ready to go. But if I or on the mornings where he does have to do the, you know, 6:30, 7 AM wake up, by the end of the day, he’s shot, and he needs more of that solo time to recharge.
Alexandra Cole
00:38:27 – 00:39:12
So it’s just learning to understand that and then not comparing his energetic outputs, right, to mine because they’re incomparable, and one isn’t better than the other. It’s just different. So when he has a solo weekend, for example, my husband knows that he can only be on, quote unquote, as that parent for 2, 3 hours at a time comfortably before it starts to become really really difficult. So he will, in advance, make sure he’s got his parents that are gonna take a little window, that we’ve got a babysitter that might take the little window to set him up for success. Whereas I am much better able to just kind of grind it out for 48 hours.
Alexandra Cole
00:39:12 – 00:39:36
Right? And for me, the more important thing is making sure that throughout the day, I get to do things that excite me and bring me joy and that I get to take my son to, like, my favorite coffee shop or treat us to, you know, a delicious dinner or get an hour at my, like, favorite Pilates studio. Like, that’s much more important to me and is not at all significant to my husband in that case.
Victoria Volk
00:39:36 – 00:39:45
I love that. What’s interesting is that I learned that my husband and I, he’s like the male version of me. We’re both
Alexandra Cole
00:39:45 – 00:39:47
Is he also a manifestor?
Victoria Volk
00:39:47 – 00:39:51
4, 6 emotional manifestor. Exactly.
Alexandra Cole
00:39:49 – 00:39:50
Wow.
Victoria Volk
00:39:51 – 00:39:51
He and I both.
Alexandra Cole
00:39:52 – 00:39:53
What are the odds? Like, that
Victoria Volk
00:39:53 – 00:40:12
Like what are the Odds? I 20 years. 20 years. But just knowing the things that I know, like, I’ve been kinda digging into the gates of love, which really has I mean, we have a lot of these, what are they called?
Victoria Volk
00:40:13 – 00:40:14
The gates of compromise?
Alexandra Cole
00:40:14 – 00:40:16
Yeah. Compromise channels.
Victoria Volk
00:40:16 – 00:40:41
Yeah. We have, like, 5 of them.
Alexandra Cole
00:40:18 – 00:40:18
Mhmm.
Victoria Volk
00:40:18 – 00:40:41
And so just learning about those has been really eye opening and, like, just how he, like, you know, he’s he’s such a giver of of love and affection and, like, being the provider. And and when he’s not feeling like he’s getting something , getting that in return, like, the equivalent of that, like, he can feel a little bit of
Alexandra Cole
00:40:41 – 00:40:43
Taken for granted. He got anger.
Victoria Volk
00:40:43 – 00:40:43
Exactly. Yeah.
Alexandra Cole
00:40:43 – 00:40:43
Yeah.
Victoria Volk
00:40:43 – 00:40:53
So as a manifestor, anger is not our self theme. So when I feel myself getting angry about anything, it’s, oh, what what’s going on?
Alexandra Cole
00:40:54 – 00:41:22
And that’s another really good one to be aware of in partners and in kids too. Right? Because each of those energy types I just described has, you you know, what Victoria just mentioned, this not self theme, which is basically what comes up when you are compromising on your natural energetic pattern. And so for manifestors, that’s anger. So if you notice your child getting angry, your manifestor kid, it’s usually just a sign that they’re being limited in some way.
Alexandra Cole
00:41:22 – 00:42:05
They’re being forced to not listen to that, like, urge that they want to follow or pursue. And for a generator or manifesting generator, it’s gonna be frustration. So if you notice your child getting frustrated, right, or feeling more of that, like, stuck, that frustrated energy, that’s usually a sign that they’re being forced to do many thing too many things that don’t light them up, that aren’t exciting to them. And as a projector, the not-self is bitterness or a lot of the times it comes across as resentment. So if a projector is, you know, not being invited or recognized enough or they feel like they’re pushing themselves too hard beyond their energetic capacity.
Alexandra Cole
00:42:05 – 00:42:29
Right? They’re not given enough time to rest and recharge. They’ll start to get resentful about that. And then reflectors, the final one is disappointment. So if you notice that a reflector is, like, constantly disappointed in themselves or in the world and they just feel let down, that’s a sign that they probably, aren’t in the right environment.
Alexandra Cole
00:42:29 – 00:42:44
Right? That they’re not surrounded by the right people and that they are not able to or that they have absorbed far too much of everyone else’s energy and don’t really know what to do with it or can’t figure out how to let it go.
Victoria Volk
00:42:44 – 00:43:04
So how has this information helped you specifically? Because I’m sure you’ve had more grieving experiences since your mom’s passing, but how has the losses you’ve experienced since then? Been in how do I wanna word this? I think you know what I’m getting at. But, like
Alexandra Cole
00:43:04 – 00:43:04
Mhmm.
Victoria Volk
00:43:05 – 00:43:05
How do you use
Alexandra Cole
00:43:05 – 00:43:08
How do I use human design to support that process?
Victoria Volk
00:43:08 – 00:43:17
Yes. And where would one look at their human design to see where like, where are some areas for people to look in at their human design when it comes to grief?
Alexandra Cole
00:43:17 – 00:44:00
So it’s helped me in so many ways, and 3 come to mind immediately. The first being the energy type piece, and this is mostly around how to support yourself best as you go through that grief. So, again, for me, I know I’m going to feel most like myself and most energized when I am creating enough space to do things that light me up and bring me joy. So even in the face of well, especially in the face of grief, that becomes that much more important, right, to carve out that time for myself. And for projectors, for example, rest becomes that much more important that you’re not pushing yourself.
Alexandra Cole
00:44:01 – 00:44:32
And for manifestors, like, honoring your energetic ups and downs and your desires in that moment and letting go of what other people think becomes that much more important when you’re going through grief. So that’s one. The other piece is that emotional center that we already talked about. So I know that for me, it’s really important for me to allow myself to feel my feelings and to ride that wave. And I can now almost enjoy that process in a weird way.
Alexandra Cole
00:44:32 – 00:44:47
Right? Because I know it’s gonna I know that wave is gonna crash at some moment. Usually, there’s this wave like pattern to emotions, which I think also very much mirrors grief, right, where it kind of, like, comes rolling in. It builds. It builds.
Alexandra Cole
00:44:47 – 00:45:05
It builds. Then there’s this crescendo moment where you’re feeling so much. And then, eventually, that wave crashes, and you kind of find yourself bobbing at the surface in more of kind of that cool, calm, collected space. And you’re still feeling, but the charge has disappeared. Like, it’s less overwhelming.
Alexandra Cole
00:45:06 – 00:45:30
And so understanding that pattern has helped me a lot because I can kind of gauge where I am on that wave, and I can know, okay, it’s gonna crash soon, and that’s the place where I really wanna sit and reflect for a little bit. And be like, okay. What is what is this feeling trying to tell me? Because I know for me that the feelings are always trying to communicate something. So that’s another piece.
Alexandra Cole
00:45:30 – 00:45:55
I allow myself to really sit with things more as opposed to feel like I need to act or do something to resolve it. I know that that wave pattern is gonna continue to exist. Whereas, if you are an open emotional or a non emotional, so that emotional center is what we call undefined and you know you’re more sensitive to other people. If you’re going through grief, you might actually wanna isolate a little bit more. Right?
Alexandra Cole
00:45:55 – 00:46:36
You might actually wanna remove yourself from the other grieving people because you it will almost overshadow your ability to kind of sit with your own grief because you’re gonna be feeling everyone else’s and then feel pressure, right, to respond to that or do something about their grief. So that’s a really helpful insight. And then the last thing that I’d say is looking at profile. So there’s this element in human design called profile, which speaks more to your personality and really to the how, to, like, how you approach things in life. And there’s 12 different profiles, and each profile consists of two numbers.
Alexandra Cole
00:46:37 – 00:47:14
And each of the numbers in the profile represent, like, an archetype that lives within you. So when Victoria was just saying we’re both 4 6 manifestors, the 4 6 is her profile and her husband’s profile. Each of these numbers also can tell you a little bit about, like, how you might process grief most effectively. So really quickly, the number one is known as the investigator archetype. So these are people who will want to know as much as possible and get into the research and feel most comfortable when they have all the data points and all the information.
Alexandra Cole
00:47:15 – 00:47:40
Right? So, for example, when it comes to grieving, these might be the people if, let’s say, it has something to do with an illness. Their immediate thing is I’m gonna research everything that, like, possible about this particular illness and, like, what the statistics are saying or they might delve into, I want to understand like the science behind grief and, like, what the different stages are. Right? Like, that’s very much the, like, one line.
Alexandra Cole
00:47:40 – 00:48:46
The 2, number 2 line is the naturally gifted person. It’s the person who, kind of picks things up very easily, intuitively, and naturally, doesn’t really need to study anything, but just knows in their bones certain things to be true or how to do certain things, Twos benefit a lot from alone time and having the ability to kind of in a safe cocoon-like space do their thing. So in times of grief, a 2 might feel like they really they just wanna, like, close the door to their bedroom and cry or journal or whatever that might look like, but they might feel this need to wanna do it themselves and to really get, like, fully absorbed in their own process and whatever feels good to them at that moment in time to move through it. Threes are like the experimenters. Threes are the the people who learn best through trial and error and throwing stuff against the wall and seeing what sticks.
Alexandra Cole
00:48:46 – 00:48:57
So if you’re a 3 and you’re grieving, you might try all the different things. You might try a certain form of therapy. You might try journaling. You might try painting. You might try meditation.
Alexandra Cole
00:48:58 – 00:49:22
Right? And you just keep kind of, like, whatever you hear about or whatever sparks your interest, I encourage you to experiment with it and see if it supports you and feel supportive. Because the only way you’re gonna figure out what is going to help you through this grieving process is by just trying a lot of different things. And you won’t know just from hearing it from a friend. Right?
Alexandra Cole
00:49:22 – 00:49:39
And just because it worked for the friend doesn’t mean it’s gonna work for you. You’ve gotta try it for yourself. Then there’s the 4. Fours are the relationship oriented people who are very sensitive to the quality of the relationships in their life. They’re very gifted connectors.
Alexandra Cole
00:49:40 – 00:50:21
They’re also people who, you know, get equally as lit up by social interactions as they can get exhausted by them, but it’s this, like, love hate relationship. Right? As you as you probably know, Victoria. So for fours, though, the support system is really really key when it comes to grief, making sure that you feel like you have those individuals in your life that you can vent to that are gonna show up for you, and being very aware of, like, what are the resources that I need, human resources as well as otherwise, in order to feel most supportive supported during this time. 5 is the problem solver.
Alexandra Cole
00:50:22 – 00:50:46
5 are the people who just immediately go into, like, fix it mode. Fives are also very much like, they feel a lot of responsibility. I have a 5. So you can see how, right, as a kid, my immediate reaction was, like, I’m gonna go into problem solving. I’m going to be the person that everyone in my family can rely on, and so that means shutting down my own emotions.
Alexandra Cole
00:50:46 – 00:51:33
So fives oftentimes have a lot going on below the surface that no one can see because they feel like they have to uphold a certain level of kind of responsibility, and they really hate disappointing other people. And they don’t like feeling vulnerable even though the vulnerability is actually the key for them. So for fives, finding even the one person or the one setting in which you can truly be vulnerable and allow that hard outer shell to kind of, like, disappear for a moment in times of grief is essential. Because in most situations, you’re gonna wanna be that, like, problem solver, and you can’t always be that. You need to also take care of yourself and your own needs in that sense.
Alexandra Cole
00:51:34 – 00:52:12
And then the last number, the 6, is the role model, and sixes are people who are wise beyond their years. They’re kind of these, like, natural advisers, very fair, very objective, and very reflective too. So for sixes as you’re going through grief, a lot of it will be reflecting on and observing kind of what’s coming up for me, what might that mean in almost like a bird’s eye view type of way. Right? Like, very much kind of, feeling almost like a little bit removed as if you’re looking at yourself going through that grieving process.
Alexandra Cole
00:52:13 – 00:52:45
But sixes might also, again, feel pressure to, play that role model part and therefore also not get, like, pulled under by their grief. And so it’s important for sixes to kind of still lean into that other number that they have because you always have 2 numbers in order to help them actually do that work because they’re very quickly gonna wanna go into, okay, what have I learned from this grief, and how can I now use that to support other people through the same process?
Victoria Volk
00:52:45 – 00:52:50
This has been gold. Just absolute gold. I how are you on time?
Alexandra Cole
00:52:50 – 00:52:54
I’m good. I probably should start wrapping it up though soon.
Victoria Volk
00:52:55 – 00:53:27
Okay. Oh, because I wanted to talk more about your story a little bit more, but, I wanna ask though quickly. So knowing what you know now, like, what gives you the most hope for the future? And, also, what is it about human design that you feel, you can bring into or how what would you suggest for Grievers to that’s not even a good question either. I’m trying to I wanna ask, like, a 1,000,000 questions right now because I’m I’m pressure root center.
Alexandra Cole
00:53:28 – 00:53:30
Mhmm. Just let it let it sit. You’ll get there.
Victoria Volk
00:53:32 – 00:53:48
Okay. What would you like to share? What do you think? I’m gonna just I’m gonna put it in your hands because you know human design far beyond my my capabilities. So what do you think is most important for people to know that you haven’t shared already?
Victoria Volk
00:53:48 – 00:53:57
And also the most important lesson and things that you have gotten from human design that you’re taking forward and that you’re utilizing in your life.
Alexandra Cole
00:53:57 – 00:54:28
I think I’ll keep it as simple and succinct as possible and say that the whole system of human design is built on this premise of differentiation, science of differentiation. Like, each of us is designed intentionally to be unique and different in terms of the way our energy works. And that, by definition, means that everyone is designed to grieve differently. Right? Like, there is no one size fits all approach to grief.
Alexandra Cole
00:54:28 – 00:54:59
And so I really encourage you to, you know, find some type of solace in that too. Right? That, like, just because, you know, something worked for someone else in your life and it’s not working for you, it doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with you. It just means that you haven’t found the most aligned way for you to process that grief. And a lot of it comes down to understanding yourself on this, like, whole another level and trusting yourself.
Alexandra Cole
00:54:59 – 00:55:44
And I think that, again, we live in a world that puts so much pressure on us to be a certain way, to operate in a certain way. There’s a very clear right and wrong way to do things. And as a result, we compromise on or shut down and ignore those inner voices that, as kids, are much louder and then as adults kind of fade away into the background. And I hope that the grieving process serves as a way for you to start to get to know those voices again, to start to hear them more clearly, to start to kind of shut out all the shoulds that you’re feeling pressure to live up to from the outside world and really tune into what do I need, what does my body want. Right?
Alexandra Cole
00:55:45 – 00:56:26
How am I responding to whatever it is that you might be facing in that moment in time? Because if you can allow the grieving process to do that, you will come out on the other end so much stronger and more aligned and in tune with who you are really here to be. And if nothing else, right, that the grieving process is such a powerful way of just, like, shedding more layers and coming closer to, like, that authentic self. So accept and embrace this idea that we’re all here to do things differently and use this as an opportunity to kind of get to know what that unique recipe looks like for you.
Victoria Volk
00:56:27 – 00:56:29
I actually have a program. It’s called do grief differently.
Alexandra Cole
00:56:30 – 00:56:33
There you go. I didn’t even know that. See?
Victoria Volk
00:56:33 – 00:57:09
But it is a framework, and it is evidence-based. And so as I’m listening to you, I’m like, I’ve seen this work for so many different types of people, so many different personalities, of course, so many different energy types. Right? And so it is like, it is very much about digging into the emotional climate within you. And it’s individualized because it’s it’s a framework that you apply to your grief, not to your neighbor’s grief, your mother’s grief, your sister’s grief, your brother’s grief, whatever.
Victoria Volk
00:57:09 – 00:57:21
And I think that’s why it works because it’s individualized to you in your experience. And I think that’s why it works. But thank you so much. I absolutely loved this. I seriously have loved this.
Victoria Volk
00:57:21 – 00:57:55
I geek out on human design. I’m still in my own explore more exploration and experiment to, of course, and I think that will be a forever ongoing thing. I am a huge proponent of anything that helps us understand ourselves better because I think the most important thing that we can give ourselves is compassion and grace. Not like a grace as a past, but a grace of just self-grace for being able to honor yourself, who you are in the moment, and given yourself that compassion that maybe you didn’t receive growing up. Because of who you were.
Victoria Volk
00:57:55 – 00:58:11
I love Human Design for that reason. Clearly, it’s been a gift for you in your grief experience. And I really, I would love to have you back sometime again, because this was so good. This was really so good. So I really appreciate your time today.
Victoria Volk
00:58:11 – 00:58:16
And, yeah, just so so many so much thanks to you for sharing.
Alexandra Cole
00:58:16 – 00:58:18
Thank you for having me.
Victoria Volk
00:58:18 – 00:58:32
I’m so impressed. Like, you just, like didn’t have to look up notes. Like, you knew it, like, the back of your hand. So I’m very impressed by that and impressed by you and everything that you shared today. Anything else you would like to share?
Alexandra Cole
00:58:32 – 00:58:50
No. I think that’s it. And just thank you for the work that you do too. I mean, I have there’s a special place in my heart for grief and finding frameworks and support to, you know, guide people through those moments in life. So thank you for the work you’re doing as well.
Victoria Volk
00:58:50 – 00:58:56
So how can people work with you? Because you have 2 websites. Right? You have 2 different websites.
Alexandra Cole
00:58:57 – 00:59:34
Yeah. I have 2 different websites. One of them is more just my personal website where you can book sessions, 1 on 1 sessions. Although I will say, because I’m about to have a baby, those sessions will pick up again in May or June, I would say. So that’s alexandracole.com. For all my other offerings and products, it’s thrivingbydesign.com, and that’s where you can find the wellness report or the well-being report that Victoria was talking about at the beginning, which takes your chart and translates it essentially into your optimal recipe for well-being.
Alexandra Cole
00:59:34 – 01:00:16
And we look at everything from rest and nourishment to mental and emotional health. So a lot of the things that we touched on today will come through in that report, but it’s very specific to well-being. It’s not, like, a broad overview of your chart, let’s say. I also, on that website, have something called Raised by Design, which is for parents who want to, at a very high level, understand their child’s design. It’s like a 20 page summary of just kind of the, like, main points that you need to understand with very tactical strategies for how to actually support your child in that way, in the most aligned way.
Victoria Volk
01:00:16 – 01:00:18
And that’s specific to your child’s chart.
Alexandra Cole
01:00:18 – 01:00:21
Correct? That’s specific to your child’s chart.
Victoria Volk
01:00:21 – 01:00:21
Gold, people.
Alexandra Cole
01:00:22 – 01:00:22
Yeah.
Victoria Volk
01:00:23 – 01:00:23
That’s gold.
Alexandra Cole
01:00:24 – 01:00:36
Yeah. So I mean, there’s a lot of other also free resources and different things on Thriving by Design, but those are 2 reports that I, you know, are worth calling out specifically.
Victoria Volk
01:00:36 – 01:00:37
How about the purpose playbook?
Alexandra Cole
01:00:38 – 01:01:22
The purpose playbook is my book that I wrote, you know, after that experience of just kind of leaving the corporate world and reflecting on, you know, what allowed me to do that with so much conviction and confidence. It doesn’t actually even talk about human design. It’s very much like a framework for helping people pinpoint, like, what their purpose and mission is in this life and how to go pursue it in a aligned way. So I wrote that book back in 2019, came out in 2020. So if you’re looking for more of the kind of step by step process to articulate and live out your purpose in life, that’s that’s a really helpful resource too.
Victoria Volk
01:01:22 – 01:01:27
I bet you could come up with a second book knowing what you know now.
Alexandra Cole
01:01:27 – 01:01:36
Maybe. I know. I know. It’s just such a big endeavor, and I’ve been you know, my biggest projects these past few years have been kids. So once I get past that, who knows?
Alexandra Cole
01:01:36 – 01:01:37
The next will be a book.
Victoria Volk
01:01:38 – 01:02:26
Quickly, the few things that from the ebook, I just wanna share from the well by design. For me, it was so surprising things were, exercise in the afternoon to cleanse my system, which I found I naturally tend to do that sometimes. I was very surprised to learn that I don’t need much food to, yeah, I don’t need as much food to feel nourished, which I was really surprising to me because I’ve just went through a coaching thing and, you know, a lot of it was like macros, and I had to eat so much food, so much food, and I had so much energy, but, you know, I could tell my something was waning at some I know it’s a point, you know, when it came to my digestion and stuff. So that was interesting. And not surprising is that I’m prone to overthinking, which but it’s so good too.
Victoria Volk
01:02:26 – 01:02:42
So I really highly recommend that people check that out. And I’ll put all of the information in the show notes, but I just wanted to quickly share that. Yes. The well by design report is excellent. I the raise by design, get your hands on it because, you know, your children are a product of your parenting.
Victoria Volk
01:02:42 – 01:02:42
Right?
Alexandra Cole
01:02:44 – 01:02:54
100%. Yeah. In a way. They’re they’re actually very like, they have their own makeup, but as a parent, you can either support or negate it. And that’s the key.
Alexandra Cole
01:02:54 – 01:03:04
Right? Like, we wanna actually, as parents, encourage them to become more of themselves as opposed to more of what the world expects them or wants them to be.
Victoria Volk
01:03:04 – 01:03:14
Yeah. No pressure.
Alexandra Cole
01:03:05 – 01:03:05
I know.
Victoria Volk
01:03:05 – 01:03:14
But I think when it comes to grief, right, this is why this information is so important and why I wanted to have you on. So thank you.
Victoria Volk
01:03:14 – 01:03:17
Thank you again. Thank you again for being here.
Alexandra Cole
01:03:17 – 01:03:19
Of course. My pleasure. Thank you for having me.
Victoria Volk
01:03:19 – 01:03:24
And remember, when you unleash your heart, you unleash your life. Much love.
Educational, Grief Tips, Grieving Voices Podcast, Podcast, solo episode |
SHOW NOTES SUMMARY:
In the quiet moments of early morning, as the world stirs awake and you’re left with your thoughts, do you ever reflect on what self-love truly means? How often do we pause to consider that perhaps the most enduring relationship we’ll ever have is with ourselves?
As Valentine’s Day approaches, hearts and flowers flood our surroundings, reminding us all about love. But amidst this celebration of affection, a deeper connection often goes unnoticed – the love we give ourselves.
This week on Grieving Voices, I’m peeling back the layers of what it means to cherish and prioritize yourself truly. As Valentine’s Day approaches, let’s shift our focus from external expressions of affection to cultivating an inner sanctuary of self-compassion and care.
The key takeaways from this episode include:
- The significance of daily self-love practices such as affirmations, gratitude journaling, self-care rituals, mindful movements like yoga or walking, engaging in creative endeavors, eating healthily, taking breaks from digital devices, and honoring one’s emotions.
- How these practices create joyous avenues toward hope and emotional liberation.
- The importance of establishing healthy boundaries for overall well-being.
Conditional or self-sacrificial love isn’t sustainable. True empowerment comes when choices are made free from the weight of others’ expectations—when they spring from a well of genuine self-regard.
How do we cultivate this kind of self-love? Daily affirmations remind us of our worthiness. A gratitude practice opens our eyes to life’s blessings amidst pain. Self-care days aren’t indulgent—they’re necessary retreats for rejuvenation. Mindful movement brings us back into harmony with our bodies, while creative expression unlocks inner worlds waiting to be explored.
Proper nutrition fuels not just the body but also the spirit—and sometimes, what we need most is simply disconnecting from digital noise through detoxes that allow quiet reflection and growth.
This Valentine’s Day, let’s shift the focus inward. Celebrate by embracing your internal reservoirs of love so that every other day is enriched by your own heart’s abundance.
RESOURCES:
_______
NEED HELP?
- National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 1-800-273-8255
- Crisis Text Line provides free, 24/7 support via text message. Text HOME to 741741 to connect with a trained Crisis Counselor
If you are struggling with grief due to any of the 40+ losses, free resources are available HERE.
CONNECT WITH VICTORIA:
Embracing Self-Love: A Journey to Healing and Hope
In the labyrinth of life, where loss and grief often find their way into our hearts, it becomes essential to engage in a dialogue that not only acknowledges pain but also fosters healing. Victoria from unleashedheart.com has been instrumental in leading this conversation through her podcast “Grieving Voices.” With an empathetic voice and deep personal understanding, she reaches out to those grappling with grief and offers solace through shared experiences.
As we approach Valentine’s Day—a time typically associated with romantic love, I shift the focus towards a different kind of love: self-love. In a society that frequently glamorizes external affection, it is crucial to remember that the foundation of all love starts within us. This episode serves as a gentle reminder that while flowers may wilt and chocolates will be consumed, the nurturing of one’s own soul is perennial.
Self-love isn’t just about pampering oneself; it’s about acknowledging your worthiness despite your struggles. It’s about setting aside time for morning affirmations which anchor you into positivity for the day ahead. Gratitude practices remind us of what blooms brightly in our lives even when shadows cast long lines across our paths.
Moreover, self-care rituals are acts of kindness we bestow upon ourselves; they could range from an indulgent bath to simply turning off your phone at dinner. Mindful movement such as yoga or walking can reconnect us with our bodies—a home we should cherish regardless of its imperfections.
Creative outlets like painting or writing allow emotions a canvas on which they can be expressed without judgment—an important aspect when navigating through grief. Nutritious eating fuels both body and mind while digital detoxing provides much-needed respite from constant connectivity which can sometimes amplify feelings of isolation rather than alleviate them.
But perhaps most importantly, addressing one’s feelings openly—acknowledging sadness, anger or confusion—is critical for emotional freedom. By confronting these emotions head-on rather than suppressing them, individuals create space for joy and hope to re-enter their lives.
I reinforce this message by integrating these principles into her 12-week program Do Grieve Differently—it’s designed not only as support during times of sorrow but also as guidance toward achieving emotional completeness beyond periods marked by loss.
This holistic approach underlines how integral self-love is in finding purpose after pain—the ability to establish healthy boundaries stems directly from how much respect we afford ourselves internally first before extending outwardly towards others.
The beauty lies not only in embracing self-love on days dedicated to affection but making it an intrinsic part of daily living—for resilience grows when nurtured consistently over time.
To close her heartfelt episode, I extend gratitude towards listeners who share their journey with her on “Grieving Voices,” reminding everyone that unleashing their heart equates to unleashing potential within every facet of life.
For those grieving or supporting someone who grieves—remember you’re never alone; there exists community spaces like my podcast offering comfort amidst chaos—a testament that compassion knows no bounds nor does the quest for understanding ever cease.
Listeners are encouraged to pass along this message—to spread compassion far & wide—and remember always: Your feelings are valid indicators reflecting real experiences—they deserve recognition & care.
Episode Transcription:
Victoria Volk
00:01:29 – 00:01:44
Welcome. Welcome. It’s another episode of Grieving Voices, and I am your host, Victoria V.
Victoria Volk
00:01:44 – 00:02:36
And today’s episode is inspired by Valentine’s Day because in the US, that is tomorrow on February 14th. And I know for a lot of people listening, this might not be perhaps a happy Valentine’s Day. And so, in the spirit of broken hearts and less than loving feelings, I thought I would share today’s episode on the topic of self-love. But I wanna start by saying, first of all, I love you. I love you for being a part of my community, for being a listener, for just being you, and sharing whatever gifts you have with the world, if you are and if you aren’t, and you just haven’t discovered them yet, that’s okay.
Victoria Volk
00:02:36 – 00:03:41
I think we feel so much pressure sometimes to do some big things in the world. And I know personally, I’ve felt a lot of pressure within myself to do that, to leave some sort of legacy and that can cause us a lot of grief. And I know finding your purpose and waking up every day and when your feet hit the floor and feeling like you have purpose or not feeling it can bring a lot of grief into our hearts. I think what’s so important when you find yourself in those situations or when you’re feeling that way, the best thing you can do for yourself is to give yourself some love because really that’s where it all starts. I think we can only love others to the depth that we love ourselves because otherwise, it could be conditional or it could be self-sacrificial And maybe we have these expectations of something and receiving something in return, which makes it conditional.
Victoria Volk
00:03:41 – 00:04:23
So I just wanna talk a little bit about self-love today and then offer some practical things that you can do to nurture some love within yourself. And so, let’s get started. I think as a teenager, I had a very difficult time loving myself. I don’t think I really truly started to love myself until after I addressed a lot of the anger and resentment I was holding within myself with that my body was holding onto and I’ll get more into that later but I can say now for the most part, of course, we all have our days, We all have our moments,
Victoria Volk
00:04:24 – 00:04:52
We all have that comparisonitis, which I used to have it so bad. But when you can get to the point where you Where you walk to the beat of your own drum, then you know you’ve gotten to a place of self-love and there’s always more More to do in that department, I think. There’s more that I could do for myself, I know, But I will say as of today that I love myself. I love the person who I am.
Victoria Volk
00:04:52 – 00:05:20
I love the person that I’m becoming each and every day. And I wish the same for you, but for a long time, I didn’t feel this way. I remember being a teenager and trying to make myself throw up. I was only successful one time. I quickly realized that Strong foul orders caused a stronger gag reflex for me. But man, didn’t it suck being a teenager?
Victoria Volk
00:05:21 – 00:06:16
Like when you think back, I know a lot of my listeners are probably 35 ish or my age, 25 to 45. Being a teenager sucked, and I think it’s just much harder now to navigate being a teenager As a parent looking in, and just in the conversations I have with my kids and how much technology has progressed. But today, self-love is a bit of a buzz phrase, and I just want you to contemplate though The importance of self-love in your life. Maybe it’s not even something you’ve given much thought to, but Valentine’s day is the perfect time to remember that love does start from within. This year, let’s shift the focus from external relationships to the most important relationship of all, The one we have with ourselves. 1st, I wanna make some distinctions.
Victoria Volk
00:06:17 – 00:07:15
Love is the willingness and ability to allow others the right to make their own choices for themselves without any insistence that they Satisfy me. Let me say that again, The willingness and ability to allow others the right to make their own choices for themselves without any insistence that they satisfy me. Loving myself is the willingness and ability To allow me the right to make my own choices for myself without any insistence That I satisfy others. Again, loving myself is the willingness And ability to allow me the right to make my own choices for myself without any insistence that I satisfy others.
Victoria Volk
00:07:16 – 00:07:54
So how do you cultivate love within yourself? 1st, and I think above all, we have to open our hearts to receiving it. And this starts with cultivating it from within to become softened enough to be open to first recognizing it and then receiving it from others. The more love you cultivate for yourself, the more you will understand where in your life you have been self sacrificing to satisfy others. Self-love is the ticket to realizing your boundaries, and self-love is the ticket to laying down the armor you’ve worn to protect yourself.
Victoria Volk
00:07:55 – 00:08:25
Embracing self-love is a beautiful way to celebrate Valentine’s Day, and today, I’d like to share some practical self-love rituals to get started in nurturing your heart and soul. Number 1, morning affirmations. Start your day by speaking kind and loving words to yourself. Look in the mirror and affirm your worth, beauty, and strength. Repeat positive affirmations that resonate with you, such as I’m deserving of love and happiness.
Victoria Volk
00:08:26 – 00:08:44
Or I embrace my uniqueness and shine my light. 2. Gratitude practice. Take a moment to reflect on everything you appreciate about you. Write down 3 things you love about yourself each day.
Victoria Volk
00:08:45 – 00:09:15
It could be your resilience, your creativity, or compassion. Cultivating gratitude for your own qualities and accomplishments can boost your self-esteem and foster a deeper sense of self-love. 3. Self-care spa. Treat yourself to a luxurious self-care spa day. Draw a warm bath with your favorite bath salts and essential oils, Light some candles, play some soothing music, and indulge in a nourishing face mask or body scrub.
Victoria Volk
00:09:15 – 00:09:39
Allow yourself to fully relax and pamper Your body, mind, and spirit. 4. Mindful movement. Engage in activities that make you feel connected to your body and Promote self-love. Try a gentle yoga or meditation session to cultivate mindfulness and self compassion. Focus on your breath and listen to what your body needs in the present moment.
Victoria Volk
00:09:41 – 00:10:01
5. Creative expression. Tap into your creative energy as a form of self expression and self-love. Engage in painting, writing, dancing, or playing an instrument. Allow yourself to explore your passions and express your innermost thoughts and emotions. 6.
Victoria Volk
00:10:02 – 00:10:33
Nourishing nutrition. Show some love to your body by nourishing it with wholesome foods, Or treat yourself to a trial of a home food delivery kit, like HelloFresh. They are not sponsoring this episode, but I would just wanted to share. But I think this is a great idea for people to give themselves their time back. Take off some stress, Those busy weeknights when you just don’t know what to make or you haven’t had a chance to run to the store, this is a gift you give yourself.
Victoria Volk
00:10:34 – 00:11:02
I think it’s a great idea for lunches. You know, if you have to if you’re working from home or if you take lunch with you, just it’s It’s one less meal that you have to think about that’s also nutrient dense. 7. Digital detox. Take a break from technology and social media to create space for self reflection and self discovery. Disconnecting from the digital world allows you to connect with your Self, and your desires, dreams, and aspirations.
Victoria Volk
00:11:04 – 00:11:37
And last but not least, Address your feelings. And I think this is one of the most important. Whether you are angry at someone, holding on to resentment from long ago, Or experiencing feelings of guilt, shame, or sadness, all of these hold a deep well of wisdom for you. Our feelings are what drive our behaviors. Change the thoughts that create your feelings, which drive your behavior by learning new knowledge and new tools, and what you get is emotional completeness.
Victoria Volk
00:11:38 – 00:12:11
In other words, More joy, hope, and emotional freedom. All of which you receive when you go through my program, Do Grief differently, which will be linked in the show notes. But remember, self-love is an ongoing practice That requires patience and compassion. Be gentle with yourself and embrace the journey of self discovery by prioritizing self love, you are cultivating a strong foundation for all other relationships in your life.
Victoria Volk
00:12:12 – 00:12:37
So this Valentine’s Day and every day, let’s celebrate the love that resides within each of us. Embrace these self-love rituals and make them a part of your daily routine, not just on Valentine’s Day, but every day. You deserve love, care, and kindness. It all starts with loving yourself. Again, Thank you so much for being here, for listening.
Victoria Volk
00:12:38 – 00:13:07
I wish you a wonderful Valentine’s Day filled with self-love and joy, and every day. Because remember, when you unleash your heart, you unleash your life. Much love.
Educational, Emotions, Grief Tips, Grieving Voices Podcast, Pespective, Podcast, solo episode |
SHOW NOTES SUMMARY:
Today’s episode of GrievingVoices takes a deep dive into the complex emotion of anger, especially for us Human Design Manifestor-types navigating loss and trauma. I open up about my battle with anger following life’s curveballs and how it can be misunderstood or mishandled.
As someone who has walked through the fire of personal loss and trauma, I’ve learned firsthand how anger can be both destructive and transformative. It’s not just an outburst; it’s a signal calling us to introspection.
Why does this affect me so deeply?
What boundaries have been crossed?
Many turn to short-term fixes or STERBs (short-term energy-relieving behaviors) like anger to cope with grief. But these are merely band-aids on deeper emotional wounds. The key lies in processing anger constructively. This isn’t about suppressing emotions but rather understanding them—identifying what needs protection or restoration within ourselves before we react impulsively.
Key Takeaways:
-Anger should prompt introspection rather than projection onto others.
-Short-term coping mechanisms like STERBs provide temporary relief but do not address underlying emotional pain.
– Constructive processing of anger involves self-protection and restoration efforts.
– Emotional intelligence grows through understanding our reactions and setting healthy boundaries.
Establishing clear boundaries emerged as another critical theme. The absence of boundary-setting skills during childhood can lead to adult challenges such as unchecked anger. To navigate this complex terrain, the book “Boundaries” is recommended for those seeking guidance on creating and implementing boundaries.
Engagement with our emotions in real-time fosters balance and wellness. Tools like visualization and mindful breathing are practical strategies for dissipating anger without confrontation. We pave the way toward transformative life changes by embracing self-awareness and actively managing our emotions.
Join me in embracing self-awareness and mastering emotional management as pathways toward transforming our lives after loss.
RESOURCES:
Episode Sponsor: Magic Mind | Use the code “GRIEVINGVOICES” to receive one month free with a 3-month subscription. This special promotion is only for January!
_______
NEED HELP?
- National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 1-800-273-8255
- Crisis Text Line provides free, 24/7 support via text message. Text HOME to 741741 to connect with a trained Crisis Counselor
If you are struggling with grief due to any of the 40+ losses, free resources are available HERE.
CONNECT WITH VICTORIA:
Navigating the Stormy Seas of Grief: Understanding and Managing Anger
Grief is an ocean of emotion, vast and unpredictable. For many who have lost a loved one or experienced significant life changes, anger can be a tempestuous wave that crashes over them without warning. On today’s episode of “Grieving Voices,” hosted by myself from theunleashedheart.com, I delve deep into this fiery aspect of grief.
As not an only advanced grief recovery method specialist but also as someone who has weathered my own storms of loss. With over three decades under my belt navigating personal grieving experiences—including the loss of my father—I bring both professional insight and heartfelt empathy to our discussion on dealing with anger in grief.
Why Does Anger Manifest in Grief?
Anger during grief often arises from a place within us that feels violated; it may stem from feelings of injustice or powerlessness following a loss. It’s important to recognize that anger isn’t inherently negative—it’s a natural response to pain and can signal areas where we require healing or change.
However, when misunderstood or repressed, anger becomes unhealthy. It festers like an untreated wound, leading potentially to bitterness or even physical ailments due to the stress it imposes on our bodies.
The Pitfalls of Short-Term Energy Relieving Behaviors (STERBs)
In trying times, grievers might turn towards behaviors such as outbursts of rage—or STERBs—to momentarily alleviate their suffering. While these actions might offer temporary solace by releasing pent-up energy, they do little for long-term emotional well-being.
The real challenge lies in confronting what remains emotionally unresolved within us—the core issues beneath the surface-level expressions of distress—and addressing those directly.
Establishing Healthy Boundaries
A key factor contributing to feelings like resentment is poor boundary setting—a topic all too familiar for many individuals brought up without an understanding of healthy personal limits. Without clear boundaries, you may find yourself slipping into roles that don’t serve you well: becoming overly accommodating at your expense (people-pleasing) or struggling with asserting your needs effectively (difficulty saying no).
For those eager to learn more about establishing healthier interpersonal dynamics—which can significantly reduce instances where anger stems from feeling taken advantage of—I recommend reading the book *Boundaries* which provides profound insights into this critical skill set for maintaining emotional health.
Embracing Your Emotional Compass
As we wrap up today’s conversation on “Grieving Voices,” remember that each emotion carries its message—one worth listening to if we are brave enough to face it head-on. Whether through acknowledging our hurt openly instead of masking it behind aggression or learning how to better manage stressful situations using tools like Magic Mind—we must strive toward understanding ourselves deeper.
In facing these challenging emotions related specifically to sadness & fury associated with w/losses big & small alike, let’s take heart in my closing mantra: Unleash your heart so you may unleash your life! Share this podcast episode if it resonates with you & continue spreading compassion simply by being “a heart with ears.”
Episode Transcription:
Victoria Volk
00:01:29 – 00:01:51
Hello friends. Welcome to another episode of Grieving Voices if you’ve been listening all along. Today is episode 179, and that seems crazy to say.
Victoria Volk
00:01:51 – 00:02:16
This is the 179th time that I’m sitting down to record for you. And what a blessing and what a ride it’s been, and so thank you for being here. And if this is your first time listening, I hope you come back for another episode. Today, I wanna talk about anger. And the question is, that a lot of grievers have.
Victoria Volk
00:02:18 – 00:03:19
It’s something that I’ve personally struggled with a lot of my life. And, you know, in learning about human design and being a manifestor, our not self theme as a manifestor is anger. And so every time, you know, when I reflect on my past and my life up to this point, there’s a lot of moments where I can distinctly remember where my anger got the best of me. And particularly with a grieving experience, you know, after my dad had passed away and then being molested, a year later and subsequently, later after that, I was holding a lot of anger in my body. There was no way for me to channel it.
Victoria Volk
00:03:19 – 00:03:47
And actually, it wasn’t really an emotion that I learned was healthy. You know, so many of us grew up in homes where anger is expressed but yet we’re shamed for it or, it’s like something to keep to yourself. Right?, like, it’s, you know, don’t express it to other people because, I mean, it’s hurt it can be hurtful too. Right?
Victoria Volk
00:03:47 – 00:04:46
Like anger projected onto other people can Inflict emotional wounds on others. We can be very, what’s the word? Victimizing of others with our anger, and also, we’re also suffering when we do that because I believe that we are all sparks of love and light, and, you know, we come into this world in love, and I believe we go out of this world in love and so I would say anger is a not love theme too for all of us, but it’s there to serve a purpose, I believe, as well. Anger shows us where we have some work to do on ourselves. Not where other people need to work on themselves or where other people need to heal something within us.
Victoria Volk
00:04:47 – 00:05:30
I think when anger comes up, it is like a stop sign like, woah, hold the bus. Why is this upsetting me? Why do I feel activated by you or this conversation or this thing you did or the feelings that I’m feeling, why am I feeling fired up inside? Why am I feeling passionate about this that, you know, it can come up as anger too when we feel like this injustice is being done or I mean, there’s plenty of that around the world right now, and we can feel angry about it. We can feel angry at God for the suffering that we experience in our lives, like I was for many years.
Victoria Volk
00:05:32 – 00:06:03
Why would God allow such, you know, things to happen. Why would God take a young child’s parent away? Why would God allow sexual abuse of children. There’s so many questions that come up within our grief and our trauma, and the anger can be so overwhelming and all consuming. We have nowhere to put it.
Victoria Volk
00:06:03 – 00:06:52
We don’t know what to do with it. And I can’t talk about anger without talking about STERBS or short term energy relieving behaviors, which is what we call them in grief recovery. These are things that we do as gravers to relieve or dispel this overwhelming build up of emotional energy that is caused by the death of a person for whom we are grieving or something someone did to us. And the problem with STERBs is that that’s their short-term. There’s no long-term relief when we just use up energy to distract ourselves from our pain.
Victoria Volk
00:06:53 – 00:07:23
It doesn’t make the pain go away. And one of the most common short-term relievers is anger. And the problem with anger is that you can never finish or complete it. It’s like this key it keeps looping like a hamster on a wheel. And the more time you spend using your energy to express the anger, you know, and lashing out to the other person or even taking it to the gym.
Victoria Volk
00:07:23 – 00:08:08
Right?, And just was going to town on a on a punching bag, the less time you spend on what would help you discover and resolve what was left emotionally unfinished for you, either by the death of a loved one or by not addressing what is really at the crux of whatever loss it is that you experienced. And the other issues, with STERBS, we can, you know, related to sterbs and anger is, you know, we want we wanna get rid of that anger. We don’t know what to do with it. We wanna get rid of it, but so what we do is we just kind of attempt to disassociate ourselves from it.
Victoria Volk
00:08:08 – 00:08:44
Like, I just need to get away from the situation. I just need to try and forget about it. And so we start, we might actually slip into these other these other emotions come into play. Right? And then we can feel depressed about where we are in our situation, and we might be sleeping more and spending endless hours watching TV or reading novels that help us escape from our day to day lives and our emotions that we’re experiencing such as strong emotions of anger and, of course, grief.
Victoria Volk
00:08:45 – 00:09:33
But those nonaction activities do nothing to help you discover and complete what is emotionally unfinished for you? It’s with action that you can turn things around. Being able to find the language and articulate what it is that you are angry about. And often, so often, anger shows us, and doing the the steps of grief recovery show us where we don’t have boundaries or where a boundary has been violated. Before we get on the topic of boundaries, I have a shout-out for my sponsor of this episode, Magic Mind.
Victoria Volk
00:09:33 – 00:10:15
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Victoria Volk
00:10:16 – 00:10:40
One shot gets you into your most productive flow state. Customers report a 40% boost to productivity on average. They say athletes have gatorade and now creators have creator aid. And so I just wanna give a shout out to them. And if you are listening to this and you wanna give it a try, they have a special promotion right now for my listeners only in January.
Victoria Volk
00:10:41 – 00:11:15
You get 1 month for free when you subscribe for 3 months at the go to the website, magicmind.com/jangrievingvoices. That’s magicmind.com/jangrievingvoices and use my code grieving voices, and that gets you an extra 20% off, which gets you to a total of 75% off. And remember, this only lasts until the end of January, so hurry up before this offer goes away. And I hope that you find it just as useful for you as I have in my morning routine. Alright.
Victoria Volk
00:11:15 – 00:11:52
Back to the episode and talking about boundaries. Alright. So far, we’ve talked about anger as being a stirr up, a short-term energy relieving behavior. And I’ve mentioned how when anger arises within ourselves and we feel it coming up in our body and rising up, it’s usually in response to something someone did or something someone said or something that we’re really activated by. It could be something even we’re passionate about, maybe even in injustice in the world, and when we feel this coming up within us, it’s coming up for to be in within our awareness.
Victoria Volk
00:11:53 – 00:13:31
And, really, the question we could be asking ourselves when we are feeling anger is, a, what must be protected, and b, What must be restored? These are two questions you can ask yourself when you’re feeling activated with anger. And you can choose to either respond to the other person if they’ve said or done something towards you, but really that’s not going to resolve anything that will probably make that other person just feel defensive and, you know, unless they’re emotionally intelligent and have worked so much on themselves and have addressed so much anger in their life, they’re likely to respond like most of society would respond, and that would be in a defensive pattern, with probably more anger back towards you. And then not only is it something that you’re angry about what they just said or did, but now It’s even severed that relationship or hindered or wounded that relationship even more. So we deepen these wounds when we don’t stop long enough to think about and have some introspection about why we’re angry and what is it that is bringing up so much disease within us, this fiery response that we feel in every cell of our our bodies that, you know, we feel like we just gotta punch something or we want to we have to like we have to do something with this activated energy.
Victoria Volk
00:13:32 – 00:14:24
And so we can either move it physically or you can move it with your mind. Right?, like, energetically. Like, I’ve learned a lot about this just in the energetics of emotions and The energy healing work that I’ve been doing and for my personal my own personal emotional hygiene is we can our minds are amazing, miraculous things and a tool that is sorely underestimated, but because we give it so much power that in circumstances like these when we’re feeling angry and it’s like poop, the monkey mind just takes over and we have this initial response and we don’t pause long enough to and we don’t pause long enough to check-in with our emotional body. And it is our emotional body responding to, like I said, these a boundary or something that needs to be protected or something that needs to be restored.
Victoria Volk
00:14:24 – 00:15:15
And so asking ourselves those questions can lead us to better answers. And so if you want to you can either physically move that energy with your mind or your body and then through your breath, which is underestimated as well. Like, we can you can take your your mind through this mental process of putting imagine when you feel activated by someone or something, imagine this fiery energy just surrounding you. Feel feel imagine yourself as like this flame and allowing it to intensify, allowing those emotions to intensify this flame that you’re feeling, it seems counterintuitive, but just stay with me. So you feel this energy building up and this the fire within you and this boundary fire.
Victoria Volk
00:15:15 – 00:15:31
Right? Like, it let’s let’s think of it as active energy. Right? Because again, what needs to be protected? There’s something within you that is being activated because there’s a boundary being dishonored in some way.
Victoria Volk
00:15:31 – 00:15:52
You know, maybe it was you’re bound you’re maybe you value honesty, and this person just lied to you. That’s gonna activate some anger within you, don’t you think? Like, if that’s a real high value for you. And the thing is honesty, and we talk about this in Youmap when we talk about values. Honesty is a reciprocal value.
Victoria Volk
00:15:52 – 00:16:20
We expect that other people are going to be honest. It’s a typical reciprocal value, and so when others aren’t honest with us, we get activated with anger. And so a response to that could be not spewing anger back at the person, but taking that energy and letting it just kinda rise up within you, see your energy field putting up this protective. This protective wall. Not a wall.
Victoria Volk
00:16:22 – 00:16:46
Barrier. We’ll call it a barrier. Protective barrier around you. And see that energy building up, and then you can do it in your mind, or you can really walk away from the situation and do this or reflect on it later and do this on the situation. But through your breath, put out that fire.
Victoria Volk
00:16:46 – 00:17:08
Like, imagine you’re, like, spitting water on this fire, And you can literally dissolve that anger that you felt in that moment that is built up within you, that you’re feeling this energy. Put it out with your breath, but imagine that breath as water because what does oxygen do? It stokes a fire. Right? We wanna put it out.
Victoria Volk
00:17:08 – 00:17:53
So imagine you’re just blowing water onto this fire, this flame. It’s crazy how these visualizations can shift your energetic body in a matter of moments. The mind is so capable that we underestimate it so much. A visual I use a lot of visualizations in the energy work that I do just because it helps people connect to a part of themselves they don’t normally connect to. We just don’t take that, and that’s where meditation is huge in disconnecting, you know, our monkey mind from our body and tapping into the body and tapping into the emotional body.
Victoria Volk
00:17:54 – 00:18:48
So then after we’ve done this, we can then recognize what are the boundaries that were being violated we’re dishonored. I think it’s so hard for people to articulate what their boundaries are because so many of us grew up without our autonomy, without our boundaries being respected, for example, let’s say you’re at a family function. Let’s say when you were a kid, you’re at a family function, and I see this I’ve seen this myself a lot. And at first, I did this when my kids were young too. Oh, give so and so a hug, or let grandma give you a hug and kiss on the cheek, or whatever the case was, and they didn’t want that physical touch in that moment and said no, or I don’t want to give grandma a hug, or I don’t want to give my uncle a hug, or aunt, or whoever it is, it doesn’t matter.
Victoria Volk
00:18:49 – 00:19:15
And the child says no, and the parent dishonors that no, and makes them do that anyway, that is a violation of a boundary that a child had and where their no wasn’t respected. Now if you’re listening to this and you’re like, oh my gosh. This happened to me all the time Think about if you’re a parent, have you done this? Like, this is something we learn.
Victoria Volk
00:19:15 – 00:19:50
Right? This is a pattern that we continue through time, but we don’t think of these things as laying a foundation of not respecting our own boundaries. So then you become an adult who becomes a people pleaser to make others so others feel better. So it’s almost as if, well, go give grandma a hug now because she’ll feel better. She’ll be happier, regardless of how you feel about it.
Victoria Volk
00:19:50 – 00:20:21
Now how does this translate as an adult? Saying yes when you mean no. It’s a violation of your own boundary of protecting your personal space. And sometimes you might feel just fine giving the hug or showing the other person affection, but maybe there’s a moment where you don’t. The last thing anybody wants is to be forced to do so and to not have our no respected.
Victoria Volk
00:20:22 – 00:21:21
And so then when you think about sexual abuse or things like that, well, that’s a definite violation of personal space and safety and all of these other things that create these traumatic emotional wounds around boundaries. So many of us don’t wouldn’t know a boundary if it slapped us in the face. And then when we have others in our lives who start having this awareness around boundaries, who know themselves well, and who know their needs and desires and where they draw the line well and start implementing boundaries to others and communicating those, what do you think people are met with boundaries? Or when it’s perceived as well, what’s this change about? Like, what when you start Implementing boundaries in your life?
Victoria Volk
00:21:21 – 00:21:30
You’re gonna have people that are gonna be activated by that. Right? You’re changed. There’s something different. I don’t like this.
Victoria Volk
00:21:31 – 00:21:58
Why aren’t you letting me walk all over you like you used to? Right? I used to be able to control you, and now, you have these boundaries and now you’re standing up for yourself and I don’t know what to do with this. This makes me angry. So we can meet anger too just by creating boundaries, and how are we gonna be prepared for that?
Victoria Volk
00:21:59 – 00:22:42
When it comes to boundaries, I highly recommend The book “Boundaries”, I’ve actually it’s been several years since I’ve read it, but, I think I’m going to actually, read it again. I actually, I read it after I went through grief recovery. Because like I said, it’s a great follow-up to grief recovery because you realize in grief recovery where you did not have boundaries and where your parents did not teach you about boundaries because, you know, they probably didn’t even have their own. Right? It’s like, you know, parents with a date night if parents never have a date night, and they’re always with their children 247.
Victoria Volk
00:22:42 – 00:22:55
And then, all of a sudden, they decide they’re gonna have a date night. What do you think that child’s gonna feel? Maybe some anger? Maybe some abandonment. Like, why are you doing this now?
Victoria Volk
00:22:55 – 00:23:14
I want you to stay with me. You’ve always been with me. Now all of a sudden you’re gonna go out and you’re gonna spend time alone, and I’m gonna be here by myself or with this babysitter, and it’s probably gonna bring him some anger. But that’s a good thing. This is how we learn how to work with our emotions, that all emotions are valid.
Victoria Volk
00:23:14 – 00:23:49
So it’s not to say to the child, well, there’s nothing to be angry about, and dismiss the anger. Rather, explain to the child about boundaries. Rather, teach the child how to breathe through their anger, how to channel it physically or, you know, with their breath or physically with their body to rid themselves of that energy. These are practical things that we just are never taught in school. Right?
Victoria Volk
00:23:49 – 00:24:11
About boundaries, about anger, about our emotions. I mean, we are so complex when it comes to our emotions. This stuff isn’t taught in school. So I hope you check into the resource, the book boundaries. It has a little bit of a Christian spin, but it’s not like shoved down your throat or anything.
Victoria Volk
00:24:12 – 00:25:28
But I hope you check out that book Boundaries., I will link to it in the show notes. And Just one final thought about anger is that and just like grief, you cannot relate to another person, if you don’t know who you are or where you began and that other person ends, just as you cannot nurture peace or honor the needs of others until you understand and meet your own needs. And that relates to anger, that relates to grief, and that relates to just any emotion that you’re experiencing and the boundaries that you may or may not have. And I think that’s been I think that’s one of my missions too, along with changing the conversation around grief and talking about it like we talk about the weather is the mission of knowing yourself, understanding yourself, and putting yourself in the way of resources and people and tools and maybe guides or therapists or modalities that can get you closer to knowing yourself, identifying your emotional climate when it comes up, whether it be, well, this is grief, or this is anger, and what do you do with it?
Victoria Volk
00:25:28 – 00:25:54
You know, you can run away from it. It’s gonna come up eventually, or you can just you can face it. You can address it, and you can do something about it. So it doesn’t impact your life moving forward, because how many times have you had an anger outburst or an interaction with somebody that it left you feeling angry after. And you’re thinking about it days later.
Victoria Volk
00:25:54 – 00:26:19
Days later. That’s no good for you. That’s no good for anybody. You know, so then you have these this emotional incompleteness with this other person now, and it’s almost like this contract of anger that you have with this person, and I’m here to say that you can blow that up. You can do something about it without having to confront them.
Victoria Volk
00:26:20 – 00:26:35
And you can do it with your mind. You can do it with visualization. You can do it with writing and burn it. There are ways we can physically move through the emotions that are there for a reason. They are there communicating with you.
Victoria Volk
00:26:35 – 00:27:12
It is your body communicating with you, whether it’s grief, whether it’s anger, joy, sadness, everything in between. There are resource resources out there. You just gotta look for them and be open to learning. And that’s what I will leave you with today. I hope you are curious now about the book “Boundaries” and about what boundaries might you not have and might you need and learning more about, you know, really just emotional equilibrium.
Victoria Volk
00:27:13 – 00:27:56
Right? It’s not about stuffing down, controlling, or disregarding or minimizing or running away from, you know, we faith when you face this stuff as it arises, not like, oh, I’ll deal with that later once I get this, that, and the other thing done, or I’ll deal with that later once I just sit down and have a drink. That’s not gonna help you, my friend. Your mind is a miraculous tool and a thing that I think most of us waste in a lot of ways. So, yeah, I’m just sharing some things that I’ve learned along the way, and I hope you find it helpful.
Victoria Volk
00:27:56 – 00:28:25
And remember, when you unleash your heart, you unleash your life. Much love.
Educational, Grieving Voices Podcast, Podcast, solo episode |
National Grief Awareness Week | 10 Tips for Grieving Hearts to Nurture Hope During the Holidays
SHOW NOTES SUMMARY:
In this episode, we’re continuing the grief education in honor of National Grief Awareness Week on December 2nd-8th. Last week, I shared facts, staggering statistics, and insights about grief, many of which surprised me!
So many people will be going into this Christmas missing a loved one or wishing a relationship would be different, better, or more. The holidays often bring up a lot of emotions. And sitting with all of the big feelings without self-awareness, tools, and support only exacerbates those emotions.
Today, I share ten tips for grieving hearts to nurture hope during the holidays—many of which I’ve shared in the past. However, sometimes you need to hear it differently or another time when you’re ready to really hear it. Maybe today will be when the information will land differently in your heart.
RESOURCES:
_______
NEED HELP?
- National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 1-800-273-8255
- Crisis Text Line provides free, 24/7 support via text message. Text HOME to 741741 to connect with a trained Crisis Counselor
If you are struggling with grief due to any of the 40+ losses, free resources are available HERE.
CONNECT WITH VICTORIA:
Victoria Volk: Hello. Hello. I hope this podcast today finds you well. And if not, if you’re struggling, with the holidays coming up, then this episode is for you. Last week, I shared that it was National Grief Awareness Week between December second through the eighth. And in honor of National Grief Awareness Week, I am concluding with a second episode in the two-part series. This time I’m talking about grief during the holidays and last week was facts, stats, and grief in the workplace, which probably affects the majority of us. A lot of interesting statistics and facts were shared in that episode, I will link to it in the show notes if you’re interested in listening.
Victoria Volk: But today, let’s talk about the holidays. Because they’re fast approaching. And I know there are some people out there who this is the first time after a loss of a loved one going to into the Christmas season without that person, and it can be very challenging. While there are other critical dates and times that affect grieving people, it’s the holiday season. That is one of the biggest stimulus to provoked memories and feelings about important people in our lives who have died or who are no longer present at holiday celebrations and rituals. And it could be from divorce or other arrangements. Again, I’ve said it like a thousand times, grief is not just about death, my friends.
Victoria Volk: So the holidays are supposed to be a happy time. But let’s be honest, you know, many of us are grieving this time of year. And not just about the death, divorce, or job loss, everyone has issues. So let’s discuss hopes, dreams, and expectations, changes and choices, my friends.
Victoria Volk: I have heard it said that expectations are planned disappointments, or an expectation is just a disappointment that hasn’t happened yet. And expectations are at an all time high during the holidays. We have a lot of expectations about who coming together for the holidays? Will it be what will it be like? What will we do? There are just a lot of uncertainties. Will everybody be happy? Will we get along? What if the food doesn’t turn out? Or what if it just doesn’t taste right? Or what if your sewer, like, backs up and you lose water? Like, that didn’t happen to us during the holidays, but it happened during my son’s graduation. Had a household of people. You can’t plan for that stuff. Right? But you have these high hopes and high expectations that like for me, just became a disappointment. Right? But many hopes, dreams, and expectations are wrapped up in the holidays.
Victoria Volk: It’s important to remember that losing or letting go of a hope, dream, or expectation can be a loss too. Times have changed. Little kids aren’t playing with the matchbox cars on the floor anymore. Everybody’s sitting on the couch looking at their phones. I’ve actually I mean, I’ve caught I’ve caught myself too, but I’ve taken stock like when all the families together, like how many people in the room are sitting on their phones. Right? This is the time that we live in it’s a fact of life, but a lot of people listening to this are experiencing a change in traditions and plans.
Victoria Volk: And one definition of grief is the natural, it is the natural and normal response to change or loss. The change in familiar patterns, habits, or traditions. As I said, if this is your first Christmas, without a loved one, I’m sure you’ve already given this a lot of thought. There’s going to be a lot of change. Change is a significant cause of grief. We just don’t call it that. We don’t articulate it or think about it that way, which is why it’s so hard to deal with some of these changes and expectations that aren’t being met.
Victoria Volk: First of all, we don’t even think about it as a grieving situation. We don’t articulate it to ourselves do we even share it with somebody else? How can they even understand or disappointment? Something that disappoints me might not even be a big deal to somebody else, but this is a thing, like, then what you have people doing sometimes is they’re minimizing what you’re experiencing or minimizing what you’re trying to share. And it can hurt you greatly into someone else it’s not a big deal, but sometimes we just need to learn to be a listening ear and be supportive. And even if it doesn’t seem like a big deal to us, we just try and be the support. Right? That’s one thing you can do this holiday season.
Victoria Volk: The good news is, though, is that and this is why I talk about a lot too, is we have choices. Grievers just don’t think they have any options. They’re just the victim.
They’re stuck with whatever is it going to happen and it won’t be good enough, but that’s not true. What is true is that we can’t change what has happened. We may not have a lot of influence or power to change what will be but we can choose how we respond to those changes and how we respond to those losses.
Victoria Volk: I want you to take some time to figure out and identify all of the changes that you may be experiencing during the holidays, but do it during these pre-holiday days. As we time is quickly passing by, just take stock, kind of play play it out to the end. Right? Like, think about the holidays coming up and the different rituals and traditions and things that you used to do with your loved one. Think about all of those different changes, everything that will be different this time around, and then choose to not sit and be the victim. Reframe how you will see these next several days and weeks as you go through the holidays.
Victoria Volk: And here’s some advice if you want to take it. First of all, try to have fewer expectations. Put your hands up and ride the roller coaster without expecting what the ride will be actually be like.
Victoria Volk: And secondly, reframe how you see things. You get to choose how you make what the holidays happen. You can’t change what’s happened in the past and can’t change what will happen in the future, but you can change. You can change. You can also choose how you respond to what’s happening today. Do you want to be saddened and gloomy during the holidays? Who would? I don’t. The principles and actions of the grief recovery method, which is what I facilitate through my program Do Grief Differently are dedicated to helping people discover and complete what was left emotionally unfinished by a death, divorce, or other loss. In the interest of helping both grieving people and the friends and family near them, I thought I’d share holiday tips that give some basic, practical, and emotionally helpful guidance.
Victoria Volk: So there’s ten tips. The first five relate primarily to the death of someone important to you. And that person might have been a loved one or may have been what we call a less than loved one, but you will probably still be affected by their absence. And the second set of five tips relates either to the death of a spouse or to divorce. And we’re not comparing those experiences just suggesting that the tips can be helpful in either situation.
Victoria Volk: So here are five tips for the holidays, if you’re grieving the death of someone important to you. Don’t isolate yourself. It’s normal and natural to feel lost and alone, but don’t isolate. This is one of the mess of grief. Right? Grieve alone. Even if you have to force yourself to be with people and participate in normal activities, just do it. If someone asks you to go out and do something, go and tell people, you know what, keep asking. Even if I say no this time, you just keep asking. One of these times, I will say yes.
Victoria Volk: Tip two: Don’t misuse food or alcohol to cover up or push down your feelings. As children, when we were sad about something, we were often told, don’t feel bad, have a cookie, you’ll feel better, and cookies don’t make the child feel better, it makes the child feel different, and the real cause of this sadness is not addressed. When we get older, alcohol and drugs are used for the same wrong reasons to mask feelings of sadness.
Victoria Volk: Tip number three: Talk about your feelings, but don’t expect a quick fix. It’s essential to have someone you trust to talk to about your memories and the feelings they in evoke. Ask your friend to just listen to you and try not to fix you. You’re sad. You’re not broken. You just need to be heard.
Victoria Volk: Tip number four: While it’s important to talk about your feelings don’t dwell on them. Telling the same sad story over and over is not helpful. In fact, it can establish and cement a relationship to your pain. It’s better just to make a simple statement of how you feel in the moment. For example, say, I just had a sad feeling of missing him or her. You’ve likely heard me say, referring to support groups, support groups can be amazing for connection and meeting new people and it’s getting you out of the house. Right? And I’m saying, don’t grieve alone, so you go to support group. Great. But here’s the thing about support groups is if it’s the type of support group where it’s a repetition of the same stories over and over and over and nothing is moving you forward. You don’t feel like it’s getting you forward or moving in your life. It’s not, helping you grow and not that you have to grow through grief. I think I should do an episode on that, but if you let your grief be a part of you and you integrate it in a way that you give it the time and space and you feel it and you’re sitting with it and working through it by doing the work, which we do and Do Grief Differently. That’s different. That’s taking action. And this is what you don’t have in a lot of support groups. There is no action. So it’s just a lot of the same story and that doesn’t help you move forward in your life. If that’s what you’re desiring to do, I think there’s a time and space and a phase for support groups and things, but definitely use your own discernment, but that’s just kind of why that I wanted to say about support groups in this episode.
Victoria Volk: Tip number five: This time doesn’t heal. Actions do. Speaking of actions. Right? The myth that time heals a broken heart is just that. It’s a myth. Time can’t heal a broken heart anymore than air can jump into a flat tire. Time just goes by. It is the action you take within time that can help you feel better.
Victoria Volk: Speaking of feeling better, before we get into the next five tips, I just want to share a little bit about the new sponsor to my podcast, Magic Mind. I’ve been using their two-ounce shot for not quite the last thirty days. I think I have maybe four bottles left. And what I’ve noticed the onset after a few days is this calm that almost is new to me. It’s when I’m feeling like I have a lot on my to do list. If you just read my recent newsletter, it was all about checking lists, making lists and checking them off and all this and that about lists, but because we make all kinds of lists. But I love a good list, but at the same time, all the lists can become overwhelming and when getting close to the holiday season and whatever is going on in your life, it is a list that can help keep you organized, but it can also feel overwhelming, right? When we keep adding stuff to the list. Well, magic mind might be the thing that can help you as it’s helped me check things off the list.
Victoria Volk: And it like I said, it’s just kind of helped me notice this calm that has come over me when I’m using it. When I take that two-ounce shot in the morning with my coffee, it’s not a replacement for coffee, although it can be. You can drink it alongside your coffee. I take my get my first cup in, and then I take the shot, and I go about my day, and it helps you get into a flow state. It helps for me, it’s helped call me. I don’t know. It’s like I find my focus. A lot easier to get certain tasks done. And I’ve just really it actually tastes good too, but I’ve actually just really liked using it. And they’re actually gonna be launching in January in all of the Sprouts markets.
Victoria Volk: But for you listening to this, you can actually get fifty-six percent off your first subscription plus another twenty percent off your one-time purchase the first purchase, excuse me, with my discount code, “grieving voices”. So if you go to magicmind.com slash grieving voices and use the coupon code, “grieving voices” altogether, all caps, you will receive an additional twenty percent off your first purchase. And I just say try it and see what you think. Give it a good a week for sure of using it every day. They say after three days, you will notice a difference, but and I did. But after five days, I think it is, you kind of get more of the benefits because there’s neurotropics in it, adaptogens, matcha green tea, plus twelve other magical ingredients. And I like how the founder James Baeshara has says in his video about it. He says, athletes have gatorade, and creatives now have catorade. And I love that because as a creator, we can have a million things, like a million tabs open in our brain a day. Not to mention all of the family stuff and things that go on in our lives such as grief.
Right?
Victoria Volk: And so if there is anything that can help as we’re going through the grievance process or just as we’re navigating life, you know, this is just another kind of tool in our toolbox that we can use to help our brains function more optimally. And if that’s something you’re looking for, then I again checkout magicmind.com/grievingvoices for twenty percent off your subscription.
Victoria Volk: Alright. Back to the list in the next five tips. And so here’s five tips if you are grieving the death of a spouse or have experienced divorce. Tip number one: Just because you feel lonely doesn’t mean you’re ready to start dating. Don’t start dating while your heart is still broken or you will guarantee that the next relationship will fail. Being ready to date is a function of the actions you take within time to repair your heart. This is valid whether you’re dealing with a death or a divorce.
Victoria Volk: Tip number two: Don’t get too busy. Avoid hyperactivity. This is one of the myths of grief too, keeping busy. Be careful not to get too busy. Being super active just distracts you. It doesn’t help you deal with your broken heart. And you know what? There can be a lot of healthy. You’re deemed healthy distractions too. Just, let’s say, you’re an ultra-marathoner. That takes a lot of time. It takes a lot of determination and a lot of time commitment. And if you’re doing that has a distraction, from your feelings and for what’s happening in your life or the stressors of life. It’s a healthy coping mechanism for stress, of course, but if you’re not doing things in other aspects of your life to address your emotional well-being, then it could just possibly be a coping mechanism, a sterb, a short-term energy-relieving behavior. And it can become something that you become addicted to for that reason.
Victoria Volk: Tip number three: Maintain your normal routines. Adapting to the changes in your life following the death or a divorce is an enormous adjustment. You are learning how to move from being with someone to being alone, and it’s never a good idea to add a host of other changes while you’re trying to adapt to so much disruption in your life.
Victoria Volk: And tip number five: Go through the pain not under it, not over it, and not around it. It’s very tempting to try to avoid the pain associated with a broken heart, but it’s also a very bad idea. Whenever you skirt the pain, you’re also pushing it down which is only temporary. It will always come back to haunt you.
Victoria Volk: And tip number five: Find effective guidance or you will sabotage your future. While the grief of a broken heart is the normal reaction to the death of your spouse or to the end of a romantic relationship, it’s very helpful to find effective tools to help you discover and complete everything that was left emotionally unfinished otherwise, you will drag your emotional baggage into the next relationship and ruin it before it even starts.
Victoria Volk: There’s your five tips for each different type of loss, and a lot of these really just reiterate the six myths of grief. Don’t feel bad, grieve alone, replace the loss, be strong, keep busy, and time heals all wounds. For most people, the first holiday season after the death or a divorce is the most painful, but that’s not true for everyone. And for many, the second, third, and subsequent years are very painful. And since time doesn’t heal emotional wounds, as I’ve just said, people often report feeling says years go by. No matter when your loss occurred, it’s most important that you become aware that recovery is possible and to learn which actions will help you create some momentum and movement in your life. And when I say momentum and movement, it’s just progress. It’s getting back out into the world, integrating the experiences that you’ve had through the grief, through the years, however long it’s been and reframing, it’s a lot of reframing.
Victoria Volk: And often it takes support to help you shift your perspective to to modify your beliefs about grief, to shift how you feel about certain aspects of your relationship that you could you can’t go back and change. But again, you can change how you respond today. Because really the relationship continues whether the person has died or whether you’re divorced, there’s some sort of emotional continuation. Right? And so you can hold on to anger and bitterness and resentment and or the pain of the loss itself and the sadness and maybe even the hurt, even the most loving relationships, people hurt us you can hold on to all of that or you can recover from the pain. And when I say recover because a lot of people in the grief space have a lot of opinions about the word recover and the word heal. But when I say recover, it is recovering from the pain so that when you have these holidays coming up, you’re not taking back to that like this heart-wrenching pain that takes you down for weeks or days or even months on end into this, depression that you can’t find your way out of. It’s possible. Recovery is possible. And this is why I like the word recovery because it gives people hope. Because when people don’t have hope, that’s a slippery slope.
Victoria Volk: And I’m in the business of hope, so I like the word recovery. I’m gonna continue to use the word recovery. And because I know it’s possible. I know it’s possible. It happened for me. It’s happened to countless clients of mine and the thousands of people. I don’t even know how many people have gone through grief recovery. But it’s changed people’s lives, transformed people’s lives. One of the she’s marketing. She’s a trainer and things with the grief recovery institute. She was on my podcast early on. Her name is Sandy Derby. I’m gonna link to her up in the show notes because, I mean, she was addicted. She had a meth addiction. She was in an abusive relationship. And she was on a fast track to a really self-destructive life. She had a lot of trauma from her father and other family members, satanic ritualistic abuse. I mean, she went through the gamut of trauma and pain and suffering in her life and grief recovery, my friend, changed her life. And she is in the whole business just like me. And this is this is why I’m so passionate about this work.
Victoria Volk: So whether this is your first year of being without a loved one or it’s your tenth. I don’t care. It’s never too soon. It’s never too late. Reach out for help. Make twenty twenty-four the year of you. Alright. I’m gonna put those resources in the show notes. And if you have any questions about Do Grief Differently or anything else that I’ve said, and if you wanna join the conversation, please do so on social media. I’m @theunleashedheart on Instagram, that’s typically my favorite social media place to hang out. I’m not on there a lot, but I will read messages if I get them, so I encourage you to reach out or send me an email, [email protected]. And if you found this episode helpful, I hope you share it with someone you know or love. Who could benefit from these tips and come back to it anytime. I mean, the podcast is here. This is a free resource. Do this for you. It’s a labor of love and have many blessings for this upcoming season. My heart goes all out to all of you grievers. I know you. I wanna say I am you, but I grieve differently now. It’s not like it used to be for sure. I feel like we’re all lifelong grievers. I mean, there’s always something. There’s always something that life is gonna throw at us. Always. But we can build an emotional resilience and empower ourselves with new tools and new knowledge and a new belief about what we are capable of. A new belief about what it means to grieve in a healthy way. That’s where we can change, and that’s where we have choice. So remember, when you unleash your heart, you unleash your life, my friend. Much love.
Educational, Grieving Voices Podcast, solo episode |
National Grief Awareness Week | Facts, Stats, and Grief in the Workplace
SHOW NOTES SUMMARY:
December 2nd-8th is National Grief Awareness Week. So, I thought I would do what I do best, and that is to bring attention to grief education. The better prepared and educated we are about grief, the more connected, empathetic, and patient we become.
In this week’s episode, I will share facts, statistics, and insights about grief. Some of what you’ll hear has never been shared on the podcast. You’ll learn staggering statistics that even caught me by surprise!
Additionally, workplace grief is a common challenge within companies, and if you are a business owner with employees, a CEO, or an employee, this is an episode for you! And it’s also an episode I hope you share with your manager, HR, or griever you know.
With someone dying in the United States every 11.14 seconds, there are a lot of grieving people out there, and my phone should be ringing off the hook. However, it’s not, and I share my theory on why in this episode.
Please tune in next week, where I’ll keep the National Grief Awareness Week education coming with a podcast about Grief and the Holidays.
RESOURCES:
_______
NEED HELP?
- National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 1-800-273-8255
- Crisis Text Line provides free, 24/7 support via text message. Text HOME to 741741 to connect with a trained Crisis Counselor
If you are struggling with grief due to any of the 40+ losses, free resources are available HERE.
CONNECT WITH VICTORIA:
Victoria Volk: Hello. Hello. Thank you for tuning in to grieving voices. I am your host, Victoria V of The Unleashed Heart, and today is the first of two episodes for National Grief Awareness Week. And this episode is going to be about just facts and statistics and some insights around grief. And particularly, I’m going to end with talking about grief in the workplace. So just some basic general facts about grief.
Victoria Volk: Grief is a universal experience. It is something that everyone will encounter at some point. It is the natural response to loss, not just limited to death, but also to significant life changes such as divorce, job loss, or major relocations, for example. And if you’ve never listened to a podcast of mine that talks about different examples, there are more than forty plus different losses that we can have, which include intangible losses such as loss of safety, loss of security, loss of trust.
Victoria Volk: Grief is also an individualized process. Each person experiences grief in their own unique way, and there is no one size fits all approach to grieving, and individuals may go through the process at different rates. It’s why you have some people that appear to be fine after two, three, four years. And why you see some people still struggling after, like myself, after thirty years. And it’s not that the people who appear to be fine at your three or four or five, it’s that maybe they’ve just gotten really good at coping. Or maybe they’ve done some really deep work and they’ve really worked on their grief and that’s why they are in a healthier place in their lives. But don’t assume that just because someone appears fine that they are. Because there is no timeline. This is another fact of grief. There is no timeline. It doesn’t follow a linear timeline. And the traditional stages of grief that we hear about such as denial, anger, bargaining depression, and acceptance are not experienced in a fixed order, and individuals may revisit these stages multiple times. And In fact, Elisabeth Kübler-Ross never intended these fight these stages of grief to even apply to death. It was through her work in working with terminally ill patients that she found that these are the emotions really and things that those individuals go through, which many grievers do too, but that wasn’t the intention of her work.
Victoria Volk: And I’ve actually had Ken Ross, her son on my podcast, which I can link to in the show notes, but she even stated herself that that wasn’t the intention of that work. In the memoir she wrote before she passed. Also, grief has a physical and emotional impact. It can have both physical and emotional effects that can manifest into physical symptoms like fatigue, changes in appetite, trouble sleeping, and emotional aspects such as sadness, anger, guilt or, or even numbness. Their cultural variations and religious beliefs that significantly influence how individuals express and cope with grief as well. Different cultures have unique morning rituals and traditions that will shape their grieving process. As I kind of mentioned earlier with the loss of trust and safety and security, these are what we would call maybe secondary losses. Such as loss of also routine, social connections, and sense of security. These additional losses can complicate the grieving process immensely.
Victoria Volk: Another fact of grief is that grieving children will present differently than adults. And may not always express their grief verbally. They may show their grief through changes in behavior, school, performance, or through play. Now, yes, they may grieve differently than adults, but a lot of the things that say adults resort to to feel better you’ll find that teenagers do as well, such as shopping or drinking drugs or relationships.
Victoria Volk: Another fact of grief is that it grief has experienced differently at various stages of life. Children, adolescents, adults, and the elderly have unique ways of coping with an understanding loss. And truly, this really depends on what you learned as a child and how you will cope and express your grief. If you didn’t learn how to do so as a child, you will resort to what you learned as an adult, and especially as a child who experiences grief, for example myself, where you grow up with it, it will express differently over time.
Victoria Volk: Another fact of grief is that feelings of guilt and regret are very common. Individuals may struggle with unresolved issues or unfulfilled wishes leading to a complex emotional landscape, and this is the crux of grief. This is honestly what we address through grief recovery, not just feelings of guilt and regret, but these all of the complex emotional feelings that are what keep us stuck in holding on to our pain.
Victoria Volk: And also, another fact of grief is that support is crucial. Having a support system is crucial and navigating grief. Friends, family, and support groups or professional counselors like myself can provide comfort and understanding during the grieving process.
Victoria Volk: Another fact is that, prolonged or complicated, I’ll put that in quotations, “complicated grief” can contribute to mental health issues such as depression or anxiety. This is where seeking professional help is important for those who find it challenging to cope with their grief. Now when we say coping with your grief, I would have you reflect for a moment or two on how you believe you are coping? And do you believe that that is a healthy coping mechanism. I’ve worked with a client who works diligently at her work and in her life and very high performing and running is her thing. She runs ultra-marathons and she realized in working with me and learning about grief that that was her escape. She was using running as a coping mechanism, as escapism. And so even these healthy things or these things that appear to be healthy and productive can be unhealthy. We’re not sitting with our feelings. We’re not giving ourselves in our heart space that time to work through and process. We’re escaping. Our minds are very creative in finding ways to do so.
Victoria Volk: And finally, while grief is a challenging experience, many individuals find ways to grow and develop resilience through the process. So, resiliency and growth is possible. Grief can lead to personal growth. Increased empathy and a deeper appreciation for life. But you’re not gonna find that if you don’t get off the couch, if you don’t get out of the bed, you just won’t. It’s not gonna come knocking on your door. You have to go after it. This is why I’m so passionate about the work that I do. This is why I’m so passionate about this podcast. And sharing this information week after week and bringing others people stories to you because they didn’t lay in decay. They got off the couch. They got out of the bed. This is what we need to do. This is the work. That is the work. It’s not to keep on going and just sweep it under the rug. It’s to keep on going by doing the work. Grief Recovery is the work. One of my clients she said that. That was her revelation to me was that, she always heard that you have to do the work and she’s like, what what’s the work? What is the work? No one actually says what the work is. And after grief recovery said, this is the work.
Victoria Volk: I wanna shift gears a little bit and just talk about share some statistics about grief. These are particular to the United States. While I can provide general insights, and the most recent statistics, it is important to note that specific statistics about grief can vary and will change over time, so depending when you’re listening to this, it may be irrelevant. But additionally, grief is a deeply personal and subjective experience and we just can’t quantify all aspects. But here are some general observations and statistics related to grief in the United States.
Victoria Volk: Did you know that there is actually website. The United States deaths clock, I will put a link in the show notes, but I was actually quite surprised that there’s such a website and that this exists. But on there, it states that a person dies approximately every eleven point one four seconds. There are two million eight hundred and thirty thousand six hundred and eighty-eight deaths per year, seven thousand seven hundred and fifty-five deaths per day, three hundred and twenty-three people will have died within the hour of you listening to this. Seventeen deaths on average per day in my own home state of North Dakota, and the leading causes of death include heart disease, cancer, unintentional injuries, chronic lower respiratory diseases and more.
Victoria Volk: Let these stats sink in. Every eleven point one four seconds a person dies in the United States. Think about all of those families left behind and the grieving’s left. My phone should be ringing off the hook. However, I understand why it’s not, and it goes back to the six myths of grief I’ve spoken about many times on this podcast. I will link to that episode and the show notes that because that may resonate with you and maybe help you understand why you may not have reached out for support.
Victoria Volk: Another fact of grief is that the National Alliance for Grieving Children as estimates that over four point eight million children in adolescence in the US will experience the death of a parent. My hand is raised, that is me. Although when I was a grieving child, there was no other child in my class. I don’t even know in elementary put together if that experienced the death of a parent. So I was very much alone in my grief in that time.
But of course, a parent doesn’t have to die. I mean, many children are experiencing their parents’ divorce. Where there is a parent that doesn’t live in the same area or their parents are estranged. And maybe they don’t even have their father or their mother in their life at all, and that can be equally devastating for a child.
Victoria Volk: I wanna shift gears to grief in the workplace. The grief recovery institute reports that grieving employees may experience difficulty concentrating, decision-making and productivity. I’ll share more grief stats in the workplace in just a moment, but finally, there are types of grief that are talked about such as this is another fact of grief talking about complicated grief. You may have heard that term where it’s a condition where the grieving process is significantly prolonged and severe. Estimates suggest that a small percentage of individuals may experience complicated grief. However, in my opinion, grief is grief. Grief that is lasting thirty-plus years is still grief. Labeling it as quote, complicated grief because it’s still impacting a grieber after a certain amount of time has passed does nothing to help a griever move forward. What people fail to understand is that grief will forever create feelings of sadness. However, it’s the pain associated with the grief that keeps people in emotional jail. As grievers, we get comfortable with the pain and resist releasing it for fear of any other awareness or inner work that will be needed to move forward. What comes next feels too uncertain and unknown this causes grievers to feel overwhelmed and that recovery from the pain is impossible.
Victoria Volk: So After hearing these general insights in these facts, I wanna share facts directly related to grief in the workplace considering this will affect nearly every single adult listening, whether you work for someone else, or you run your own company, this information will apply. Grief can significantly impact the workplace affecting both employees and employers. In the United States alone, grief-related losses and productivity may cost companies as much as one hundred billion dollars annually. The twenty twenty-two cost of dying report showed how much time and energy families spent dealing with the death of a loved one and the burden it placed on them. The results revealed a crisis of attention, time and energy. On average, settling a loved one’s affairs took thirteen months, twenty months if the estate went through probate. And cost more than twelve thousand dollars. For grievers, something has to give and often it’s work performance.
Victoria Volk: And while comprehensive statistics might vary, here are some general insights and stats related to grief in the workplace. As I mentioned, there’s a loss of productivity due to difficulty concentrating, decision-making challenges and emotional distress. According to the Grief Recovery Institute, grieving employees can cost companies billions of dollars annually in lost productivity. That is that hundred billion dollars I mentioned. Grief can lead to increased absenteeism as employees take time off to cope with their loss and attend funeral services. A study published in the Journal of Organizational Behavior found a positive correlation between grief and absenteeism. I mean, are we even surprised? I mean, truly, the grieving process can impact the individual experiencing a loss in their coworkers who may be asked to do more to compensate for the loss productivity of a grieving coworker. Coworkers may experience empathy fatigue or emotional exhaustion as they support grieving colleagues or may experience guilt not knowing what to do or how to respond to the grief of a coworker. They may even develop resentment.
Victoria Volk: A survey by the grief recovery institute found that a significant number of employees feel their employers are ill-equipped to handle grief in the workplace. Employers who are supportive and understanding in the face of employee grief may foster a more positive work environment. Some companies have implemented grief support programs, counseling services or employee assistance programs to help employees cope with loss.
Victoria Volk: According to a survey by the International Foundation of Employee Benefit Plans. About eighty percent of employers offer EAPs or employee assistant programs which may include grief counseling, which may include grief counseling, by the way. Not all workplaces have formal bereavement policies and the length of bereavement leave varies among companies such as, say, some as short as a few days. Some studies suggest that longer bereavement leave periods may be a so aid with better mental health outcomes for grieving employees. Grieving employees may be at a higher risk for developing mental health issues such as depression or anxiety. And addressing mental health concerns in the workplace, including grief-related issues, is gaining recognition as an essential aspect of employee well-being. Providing training for managers to recognize and respond appropriately to grieving employees is becoming more common in progressive workplaces as well. So we’re seeing progress and there is hope.
Victoria Volk: If you’re a manager or an employer, I want to give you some things to say to a grieving employee and what not to say. So things to say to a grieving employee. Often when a coworker reach turns to work after the death of a lockdown, we don’t know what to say, so we don’t say anything. But staying silent can make the grieving coworker feel isolated. So for example, show empathy. Say something like I’m glad you are back and we’re here for you. Or we can’t change what happened, but if there’s anything we can do to make your life easier, know that we are all here for you. You can acknowledge that grief is ongoing. Say something like, how are you today? Is better than, how are you? It allows people to answer honestly beyond just responding I’m fine. Show up with a specific offer. And make it clear that it’s okay if the person wants to decline, such as I’m in the lobby if you want to talk. I will be here for the next hour whether you come down or not. Take cues from the griever. You can say something like, I’d love to hear more about your loved one whenever that might be convenient for you. I want to respect your privacy.
Victoria Volk: And these are some things not to say. While well intended, these phrases focus on trying to make the loss go away rather than acknowledging its magnitude. Five phrases to avoid when talking with a colleague who has just lost a loved one. You are going to be fine. You’re still young so you can still have another child and get married again. For example, he or she is in a better place. Everything happens for a reason. Time heals everything. These are not helpful. And so please refer back to these if you find yourself in this situation and maybe say it to a friend or if it’s a coworker, This is information that you can share with those you know too to help them know what to say and what not to say.
Victoria Volk: I wanna move forward with talking about bereavement time because it is recommended that employers provide at least twenty days of bereavement leave for close family members. However, only four days is the average bereavement leave allotted for the death of a spouse or a child. Whereas three days is the average time off given for the loss of a parent, grandparent, domestic partner, sibling, grandchild, or foster child. For employees who have closed familial bonds, it can be helpful when bereavement leave is available for the deaths of relatives outside the immediate family. You can’t put a value on people’s feelings toward one another based solely on their relationship on the family tree. So it is essential for employers to be aware of the potential impact of grief on the workplace and to consider implementing supportive policies and programs. Keep in mind that the experience of grief is highly individual and workplaces should approach these matters with empathy and flexibility. Two areas companies can address today is rethinking bereavement leave policies and to address brief illiteracy by bringing in an educator like myself or in making grief training a part of HR onboarding. When loss inevitably happens and affects your team and colleagues, they will feel more confident and clear about how to collaborate and communicate with each other if they’re provided with the correct information and tools.
Victoria Volk: I hope that this information has been helpful if you are an employer and even if you are an employee, share it with your manager. This is something that affects the company as a whole and their bottom line. So this is a societal problem. This is an everyone issue. Grief is an everyone issue because it does affect everyone. I thank you for tuning in during this National Grief Awareness Week into this episode. Did you find any of the facts or stats alarming or surprising? Have you personally experienced challenges related to grief as a manager or employee? Please share your thoughts on social media. I’d love to keep the conversation going. I hope you come back for next week’s episode, where I’ll conclude National Grief Awareness Week by talking about grief and the holidays. And until then, remember, when you unleash your heart, you unleash your life. Much love.
Childhood Grief, Divorce, Educational, Grieving Voices Podcast, Parenting, Podcast, solo episode |
Part II | Supporting Children Through Divorce and The Holidays
SHOW NOTES SUMMARY:
This episode is a follow-up to the last one to bring awareness to Children’s Grief Awareness Day on November 16th, 2023.
In this episode, I dive into supporting children through divorce and their challenges during the holidays. We must recognize that children experience various forms of grief and that parents play a crucial role in helping them cope with loss. Parents who receive early education on loss are better prepared to support their children effectively.
The impact of divorce on children is explored, highlighting the multiple losses they experience and the difficulties they face in understanding love and commitment. It can’t be stated enough that parents face many challenges in being present and acknowledging their children’s feelings during a challenging time, such as navigating all of the changes that occur as a result of a divorce (or separation), particularly when the parents are grieving themselves.
This episode implores all adults to empathize with children struggling, particularly during holidays and challenging family situations. As a society, we must break the cycle of inadequate support by providing better guidance to the next generation.
I encourage all listeners to engage with the episode and provide feedback to help shape future discussions on supporting children through divorce and the holidays. We adults must raise awareness about children’s grief, advocate for improved support systems, and empower all parents to navigate challenging situations with sensitivity and understanding. Future generations depend on what we adults choose to do or not do in response to children’s grief.
RESOURCES:
_______
NEED HELP?
- National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 1-800-273-8255
- Crisis Text Line provides free, 24/7 support via text message. Text HOME to 741741 to connect with a trained Crisis Counselor
If you are struggling with grief due to any of the 40+ losses, free resources are available HERE.
CONNECT WITH VICTORIA:
Victoria Volk: Hello friend. Thank you for tuning in to this episode. And it is a follow-up episode to the one before last week, Children’s Grief Awareness. And I said in that episode that I would bring in part two where I’d be talking more about supporting children through divorce and through the holidays as it relates to grief and divorce in general.
Victoria Volk: And I wanna share that, the first episode, Children’s Grief Awareness part one, has not been a very popular episode, and I just want to share how sad that kind of makes me not kind of, it does make me sad. And I suppose, I’m not sure exactly who you are listening to this. Do you not have children? Do most people who listen to this podcast not have children? Are you older? And maybe your children are older? And don’t have young children anymore, that could be. I would love to know why that episode isn’t resonating or if it did, please share that too.
Victoria Volk: And I would just love to know like who’s really on the other side listening to my voice. Are you listening in the car? Are you listening while you wash dishes? Are you listening on your commute? Or when you’re walking, I would love to know. So please share your feedback on the podcast directly please email me. Consider this like you supporting me in research. Because I’m really am curious. Please email me at [email protected] or find me on social media, Instagram is usually where I like to is my go to @theunleashedheart, and on Facebook, you can message me, Victoria The Unleashed Heart.
Victoria Volk: Anyway, I’m sure you can find me. Links are in the show notes too. If you are interested in helping me do that research. I would love to know who you are listening because I really am curious why that episode isn’t so popular, but regardless because I’m so passionate about children’s grief and the child grievers out there because I was one and I grew up as one. I’m still going to record a part two even though that last episode may not have been as popular because I feel like it is such an important topic because even if your children are older, they’re teenagers this still applies to you if your children are adults, who may be are starting their own families. Please share this with them too. I guarantee you that you probably know or have a child in your life, and this is just great information to have in your back pocket or to share with someone you know.
Victoria Volk: So, piggybacking on what I shared last week. There are some points I want to drill home. Point one is that children learn how to deal with loss at a very early age. That’s something I didn’t talk about in the last episode, but the vast majority of parents don’t realize that children, by the age of three, have learned or developed seventy-five percent of the skills that they will use for the rest of their lives to deal with issues that face them. Most parents rarely know or think about this when they are dealing with the daily issues related to their children. I’ve been there so many times, I can’t even tell you. Parents are very much in the moment when they’re talking to their children and likely they don’t even take into consideration how their children store things in their personal belief system.
Victoria Volk: While the vast majority of the information that parents pass on is of value. Like, we all, we are the teachers. Right? Mixed in with all of that good information can be also misinformation on how to deal with loss. And I’ve talked about this before on the podcast, but when your back is up against the wall and you have a grief experience, you’re gonna resort to what you know. And even when your children are faced with a grieving experience, you as a parent are gonna resort to what you know and likely what you were taught as a child is what you will pass on to your child. Unconsciously or consciously, some things, we don’t even really think about it. We just respond. Right? We just react. And that’s what we tend to do is respond in a knee-jerk reaction.
Victoria Volk: Point two I wanna make is that grief is more than an emotional response to death. I’ve talked about this so many times, but again, it bears repeating when it comes to childhood grief too. Because it’s not just about death, and children don’t need to be dealing with a death to experience grief. Comes in a lot of forms. Many losses that impact a child may seem insignificant to you as the adult for like example, let’s say, their favorite toy, and they can’t find it. They lost it. Where another child broke it. It seems insignificant to use the adult or the parent. But to us, it’s like, I can just buy go buy another one. I mean, there’s a million in one soccer balls or whatever it is. But to the young child that lost that toy or that whatever it is, it can be overwhelming. Especially if maybe it was a gift or something like that. Likewise, as adults, we become accustomed to friends saying things to us that we might find upsetting. And we might take offense. And in the moment, but we often are able to look at that comment if we take a step back, look at it from a broader perspective, and based on our relationship, not let that statement have a long-lasting emotional impact on us.
Victoria Volk: However, adolescents and teens do not have an adult’s perspective. And can find one negative comment or a breach of confidentiality emotionally devastating. In both situations, children are dealing with a very real grief grieving experience. And without realizing it, the way parents respond to these early grieving experience can establish a pattern for how the child learns to deal with loss for the rest of their lives. Even though as parents, we don’t see these early issues as being related to grief. They have nonetheless set a reactive response to loss in the child’s belief system. And it’s not like we’re trying to pass on bad information to our children. It’s just something that happens. A child is the most complex thing we ever bring home and they do not have detailed cautionary information stamped on the bottom of them. Right? They don’t come with a manual.
Victoria Volk: Point three, early education on loss for parents helps prepare children. The children in their life Grief Education is prevention. This is prevention. Most parents never think about helping their children deal with personal emotional loss until there is a crisis of some kind. It may be the death of a family member, a friend, or a pet that forces them to act. And it might be a divorce or some other major life event. Rarely do parents realize that they have already inadvertently given children in ineffective tools to deal with loss, even with previous minor issues their children may have experienced. And when parents face a crisis, they equally find themselves lost, like, as anyone would. Right? Like grief devastating loss just flips your entire world upside down. So your first thought might be to send your child to a professional for assistance. But the problem with that is that the children may see the professionals as advice as being in conflict with what they have already learned. A complicating factor, no matter the value of what this professional tries to teach them, can be conflicting information if the parents are not on the same page as that professional. And so mixed information or interactions with the child can just all it does is create more confusion. Taking all of that into account alone, should have you running to the bookstore or going on to Amazon and ordering the book when children grieve just based on what I just said. Or finding a support group program, like someone like me who facilitates the Helping Children with Loss program. Rather than waiting to for you to recognize that your child is struggling, you can help though with an overwhelming loss in advance, why wait for there to be a devastating loss or an issue to surface before we decide to help our children. Doesn’t it make more sense to teach parents the things they need to know to help their child feel safe to express their sadness during those first three years of life? And again, this is when these children aren’t just starting to develop the belief system that they will use for the rest of their lives. That is why Helping Children with Loss, When Children Grieve The Handbook is prevention. This information is prevention.
Victoria Volk: Now that I’ve gotten these three points out, I wanna start talking about divorce in the holidays as it relates to children in their grief experience. And it might surprise you that we actually divide divorce into two different categories, long-term or sudden. And the difference with divorce is that there is often one partner who has been struggling for a long time. While the other partner has been unaware, that things are not right. And so when the later gets served with divorce papers, it can have the impact of a sudden death, and some children are very aware of a problem in their household. I would say most are aware because children are sponges. They take in information in all kinds of ways and their eyes and ears are always listening and hearing and seeing and watching. So they have often seen and been subjected to arguments between their parents over an extended period of time. And for those children, the announcement of a divorce will fall under the heading of a long-term condition. And on the other hand, some parents manage to conceal from their children, their personal difficulties with each other. And when children who were not aware of any major problems are informed of an impending divorce, their reaction is also as if a sudden death has happened. The impact can be overwhelming to a child. And there’s a high probability that a child may begin to participate in a variety of short-term energy-relieving behaviors in response to the sudden news of their parents’ divorce. It could be said that a divorce is a family matter. And even though there is truth in that comment, the bottom line is that the couple is getting the divorce and the children are in the line of fire. The collateral damage to the children can be monumental.
Victoria Volk: The children caught in a divorce are experiencing multiple losses. What loss or losses are they experiencing? Well, look at the conflicting feelings caused by a change or an end in a familiar pattern of behavior. So some examples of losses that children may experience while their parents are going through divorce is a loss of patient that this family would be together. The loss of trust, loss of familiarity and routines, loss of safety, loss of childhood, loss of residence, and or the change to dual residences. Any one of these losses is enough to break a child’s heart. Not to mention, feel overwhelming.
Victoria Volk: So let’s look at each of these in a little bit more detail. Looking at the loss of expectation that the family would be together, children are taught about love and honor and trust and loyalty by their parents. They learn how to be loving and considerate how to resolve conflicts and how to get along with others. And from literature and films and religious institutions, children also learn that the vows exchanged in the marriage ceremony pledge a commitment to those virtues. And whether or not you’ve experienced this, think about how can fusing and disturbing it must be to children when their parents cannot maintain that pledge to each other. Also, take loss of trust. Imagine the conflicting feelings children must experience as a divorce scenario unfolds, or explodes before their eyes. What reference point do they have to deal with those feelings? It is very difficult teach your children about love and simultaneously teach them about divorce. Given that implicit promise that the family will always be together, the divorce itself represents a major breach of trust.
Victoria Volk: Moving on to loss of familiarity and routines, this is difficult all by itself, and it’s often greatly intensified by the fact that children may be undergoing other major transitions as they move from childhood to adulthood. We know all too well that the stresses and strains of those transitions can have powerful consequences. And those transitions can be happening in every age bracket.
Victoria Volk: Next, loss of safety. Familiarity in routines build safety in a sense of well-being. The patterns established within a family are usually dismantled by divorce. Children flailing around and the emotional aftermath of a divorce often do not feel very safe. Safety and familiarity go hand in hand, so it is a good idea to limit the amount of additional changes.
Victoria Volk: Loss of childhood. The instinct for survival can take many forms. For the most part, survival actions are beneficial. Sometimes they backfire. The scenario in which children take care of a parent is one example of such a backfire. It is understandable that children who would instinctively try to protect the very person or people who are supposed to protect them. It’s the child’s way of trying to guarantee their own survival. But this impulse to care take puts them in conflict with their own nature. Divorce tends to turn children into amateur psychologists. It spurs them to analyze and figure things out. It forces them to grow up before their time and to take on attitudes and actions that are not appropriate to their time of life.
Victoria Volk: And I can say this specifically for myself that that holds a lot of truth just for my own experience of my dad passing when I was eight years old, my parents didn’t divorce. He died, but like I said earlier, divorce can be this long-term experience where it can be this like a sudden death. And so that’s where there’s similarities that can be expressed in divorce, as well as a death of a parent.
Victoria Volk: And talking about loss of residence or change to dual residences, everything that I’ve talked about has been magnified when the move is the result of a divorce. The moves or changes caused by the divorce carrying emotional weight which is added to the fact that moving in and of itself changes everything that is familiar and routine for a child. Think about it. If you change your job, you’re going to a new you might move across to a different state, you’re going to have new coworkers, new neighbors, new friends. You’re leaving old friends and colleagues behind. The same goes for children. But it’s on a scale that taking all these other things into consideration and what I’ve already shared you can see why this would have probably long-term effects on the well-being of a child.
Victoria Volk: And here’s what I’ll say to all of this. When as parents, we work on our own grief and work to resolve what is emotionally complete for ourselves and the losses that we’ve experienced in our life, whether it’s loss of trust or loss of safety or loss of our spouse or parent. We learn how to simply be present with a child in our life. Regardless of their age. You can simply be and not have to do anything. You don’t have to fix your child. You don’t have to give advice. You don’t have to jump in or change a subject. You can just listen and acknowledge. And this is what builds trust with children. And I will go on to say to starting first, going first, speaking to how you had expectations for your life with your significant other that didn’t work out, but that doesn’t mean that that child has loved any less. It doesn’t mean that you care about that, the other parent, any less. You might, but to not use that time that you have with your child to bad mouth or talk about the other parent, but instead use the time that you have with your child to. Let them share. Let them express. Let them give voice to what they’re feeling, to what they’re thinking. That is what builds trust with children.
Victoria Volk: And this is where grief recovery is the most helpful because you can simply learn how to connect with your child at an emotional level. And not take away the feelings of the child. That’s not the goal. It’s not the goal to fix just to be and listen. And so as we’re navigating the holidays coming up and the changes of homes or sharing the holiday with a significant other or your now ex-spouse, or ex-significant other. Think about that. Think about what that child put yourself in the shoes of the child. What will they be experiencing? What would how are they feeling about especially if this is the first holiday the first Thanksgiving or the first Christmas where the child is feeling torn between two homes. Feeling torn from their mother, being feeling torn from their father, or whatever the situation is. It could even be a grandparent and a parent. Right? I mean, there are so many different scenarios to what a family looks like these days that I just my point is though is to think about the child put yourself attempt to put yourself in that child’s shoes. And your child may say, well, you might ask, well, how are you doing? I’m fine. Children might appear to be fine. They might appear unscathed. But I guarantee you all of the change and disruption to their life, especially if it was I would say regardless if it was like this long-term thing that they saw issues, they knew that there were issues versus feeling like it was a sudden death. Either way, there is gonna be changes that the entire family will have to navigate and adapt to.
Victoria Volk: And I think if the child is brought into the fold of that experience and not shut out or, I mean, if you might think that you’re protecting them, but if protecting them is not letting them talk about their feelings or not letting them share or not having them have a voice that is not helping them. And so I just wanted to encourage you if you find yourself in this situation or someone who is or if it was a death, let’s say it was a death of a parent, all of these things can still apply that I just talked about. There’s still going to be a lot of change. There’s still going to be a lot of uncertainty and by keeping those points in mind that I started out this episode with, you can be a soft space. And a place for a child to turn to not to be fixed, but to be heard.
Victoria Volk: And I guess that’s my whole point in sharing this episode. These two episodes is to bring awareness to childhood grief because it is a thing. Even though child children may appear fine, they may appear like they’re not being affected. I guarantee you they are on some level. They could just be expressing what they’ve learned from you. They could be emulating what they’ve learned from you. And so take that into consideration like how have you shown up in your grief and express that to your child regardless of what their age is because you can look back in hindsight and you’re always a parent. You’re forever a parent. That never changes. So whether it is an adult child or whether it is a young child, this is an episode where you can reflect on the past and think about the lessons that you passed out to your children and maybe share this episode with them and have a conversation. Maybe some things that you would have liked to have done differently or that you wish would have gone differently. That’s grief too. Grief is a loss of hope, dreams, and expectations. Anything that we wish would have been or could be different, better, or more.
Victoria Volk: And that’s what I gotta say about that. This is for the children out there, the grievers, the most vulnerable among us, and you grow up one day. I know you’re a child. You’re not as a child, you’re not probably listening to this. But as an adult, if you were a child who experienced a lot of grief and you grew up with grief. I see you. I hear you. I know you because I am you. And this is why I’m so passionate about sharing this information today in this episode and the last episode. And I do hope that the downloads go up because there are a whole lot of children suffering in this world and there are a whole lot of adults who grew up as children who felt as though they were suffering.
Victoria Volk: And if you are now a parent like me and you were a child griever, you can break the cycle. You can break those patterns and those things that you learned that were misinformation and unhelpful to you you can learn new knowledge and new tools to support your children and to break that cycle moving forward. That’s all I gotta say today on this topic. I hope you found it helpful. Please share it with a parent that you know or love or use it as a tool for yourself to become a better version of yourself as a parent to children that you are raising. And remember, when you unleash your heart, you unleash your life. Much love.