childhood grief

Recently, I was listening to a life coach podcaster going on about how children don’t have the mental capacity to deal with emotional pain. She went on to say that it’s “a good thing,” as it’s a coping mechanism she referred to as “disassociation.” She went on to add how “it’s brilliant” how, as children, we’re able to do this and “avoid and numb out.” However, once an adult, this no longer serves us. She went on and on a few more minutes, and, I was so frustrated listening that I turned it off and unsubscribed when she began to share how she coped with her feelings (as an adult) with food. Well, what she was experiencing was grief – she didn’t call it for what it was. And this is part of the problem. It’s almost as if “grief” is some taboo word.

It became apparent to me that this woman, although educated in life coaching and all the things adults struggle with, had little understanding of grieving children — and truly, what children are capable of.

She did get one thing right; children’s brains aren’t as mentally and emotionally developed as adults. However, children grieve just as adults do. They may grieve a bit differently. Still, all the same – anger, sadness, guilt, shame, etc. are emotions grieving children also experience.

So what got me all fired up?

Why should these feelings not be addressed by those who love and care for children? Whose responsibility is it when a child does not know how to process their emotions?

Caregivers either allow the child to grieve, fully expressing all their emotions, or, later in adulthood, default to what we’ve been taught. Often, that is behavior modeled after our parents. And, we all know grief isn’t something that’s commonplace education in the home or at school, and also isn’t near as common-talk as the weather.

There is no judgment or criticism from me if you default to what you know – I get it.

It did me zero favors to “brilliantly disassociate” while I was experiencing bed-wetting, excessive tardiness, and struggled, overall, for years to find my way.

My loved ones were grieving their own way. They, too, didn’t have the education on what to do with their feelings – much less mine. If you’re a parent, read about the ACE study. You’ll see why this fires me up. And, the ACE study doesn’t even address losses such as moving.

The negative impact of not addressing childhood grief is why I am so very passionate about grief recovery – for adults and children alike. It is in grief education where we can raise future generations to be emotionally resilient. Adults can lead and teach from example, empowering themselves, in their own lives, in the process. Educating ourselves is the greatest gift we can give each other when it comes to grief. And, I believe, children are more than capable of learning ways to grieve in a healthy way.

I am very much looking forward to facilitating a Helping Children with Loss group in whichever community wishes to host this program.

Once a week, for four weeks, I teach you how to help the child or children in your care to navigate and complete their grief — what a beautiful gift to give your child or children. As the person entrusted to their care, it is your duty to tend to all needs – including emotional. And, you can do so by receiving education and new tools. It is possible to empower yourself with knowledge, knowing how to help the children in your care deal with painful feelings. Let me help you – help them.

much love, victoria

P.S. Are you interested in bringing the Helping Children with Loss Program to your community? Please email me at victoria [at] theunleashedheart [dot] com.

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